Eating crap for Christmas!

Predictably the season goes with plenty of eating of eating and drinking – good stuff, and mostly crap.

At least that’s what Tanzanian’s Food and Drugs Authority (TDFA) boss, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda seems to say. Her set-up has impounded 14,032 tins, weighing 452.09 kilogrammes of junk being sold as food.

Maggie said the junk was discovered in 28 shops in Kinondoni, 25 Ilala and 12 in Temeke in the Asia’s junkyard of Dar es Salaam. The stuff came as infant milk and has been dubiously increasing in the market in recent years. “We also discovered various items that were unfit for human consumption.” She added.

The junk was labeled in foreign languages which is neither English or Kiswahili, thus making it difficult to identify their origin. Which reinforces the arrogance which the smugglers have. What next – tinned shit from abroad?

Poor fellows, eager to join the ‘middle class’ are duped by the junk when they see pictures of the bouncy babies on the tins. They think if they buy and feed their totos with the junk, they with be bonnie looking like in the pictures! Which is a load of rubbish, of course.

The mothers are, in fact, poisoning their babies. I have read some research somewhere, feeding your bambino with such poisons might result into creating a hermaphrodite being. The result could be girls getting moustaces in puberty – or boys growing tits!

But to the young mother she thinks she looks cool, feeding her bambino with tinned shit. Wameuchinja!

Selling stuff which is unfit for human consumption is attempted murder. If someone attempts to give poison to someone in a local eatery, that is considered as criminal. What about if someone sells poison in a shop, branded as some infant formula, isn’t that attempted murder?

The TFDA boss, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda has given us a few figures of he illegal tinned shit her firm has impounded. What I can’t understand is she never said anything about people arrested for selling that stuff?

Surely there tins did not find themselves stacked in those Kinondoni, Temeke and Ilala shops, all by accident. They were bought, stacked and displayed in those shops by criminal people. Have there been any arrests? What are the punks selling the poisons to Tanzanians, to be fed to Tanzanian babies, charged with?

Or, it could be the shopkeepers ran away once they saw Maggie and her troops? It is easy to tell that this racket has been going on for ages and the guys getting bolder – poisoning Tanzanians at will. Any convictions for attempted murder Maggie? I think Tanzanians should be told.

Just for general information – China recently executed two top officials of the Chinese government firm which okayed the adding of poisonous substances in its infant formula.

But that is China. Punishment is never in our culture in the United Republic of Tanzania. Unless, that is you stole a chicken over Christmas. Then you are dead! Merry Christmas!

Loving each other to death!

Middle age can be tricky. I hear once you go through the process of procreation, the urge to need each other (men and women, I mean) recedes. With men, they would rather go for an odd chat or drink or two to while the day away.

The things you once cherished increasingly become less and less important. My late old guy used to complain when they have had a tiff with the old girl: “Son, the surefire way of assuring yourself trouble in life are two things – a woman and a car.”

I would chuckle and look the other way. What was the Mzee talking about? I mean in those crazy years it was normal talk to the gang about your exploits with your ka-chick. Ninety per cent of the talk was wild fantasies. You walked from Dar to Miriam College in Morogoro to see your chick. She escorted you from Morogoro back to Dar. Love, you see.

You would lie to the rest of the gang (we were called gringos) about your exploits. “Did you score?” the gang would ask you, their eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

“Of course.” You would lie, “What do you think I am, a wimp? Six bloody times! You should have heard her scream with pleasure” You could hear the gringos sigh with a mixture of frustration and desire.

Later the whole gang would quickly disappear into the nearest loo to ostensibly have ‘showers’. Some would were heard to fall flat on the wet floors of the bathrooms.

Before you know it, you are grown up. Money becomes a problem. Before you date her you must have the money. That’s when you are taught that before you spend money you must earn it.

This makes much sense to me today. You just cannot spend money you don’t have. Except, of course, you are an African government, like Bongo. I later came to learn that most of the toffee-nosed bums who did that, ended up being wimps when they grew up. But the culture is very much into fashion today. Individuals and governments. And all the wimps who spend money without working for it are called fisadis. I just wonder for how long we are going to continue with the culture of glorifying thieves.

Also the trouble with middle-age is that instead of working on the joys of this category of age, your body starts rebelling. Your body says: “Okay, old boy, go and kill that ka-little chick. Just right for you.” Your head says yes as you ogle her with desire.

But, south of the border, the ka-thing behaves like a little baby who is learning how to walk. Damn! You feel like singing to the little uncle down there: “Up you go, I said. Attaboy! You can’t let me down in Mzee’s hour of need”

Nothing. Then one day, the scientist of the world discovered those little blue pills. Take two and the fireworks begin. But the medicos forgot to warn the middle aged guys, that…simply don’t overdo it! In the process of trying to ‘kill’ somebody with joy, you might end up very dead yourself, with a cardiac arrest!

Hard times. How will it be, having a barful of grumpy middle-aged potential lovers? The guy thinks the ka-thing could be having the bug and the ka-dada worrying that the James Bond across the table is carrying a loaded gun with a deadly HIV virus, not necessarily at the service of Her Majesty the Queen? Hard times these!

Stop battering women!

We have just had the commemoration of 16 days of global activism to end gender-based violence. In short, men should stop thumping women - a thing which I agree with very much.

It is the Neanderthal in men which is mainly to blame. Once the man’s adrenalin starts to flow then there might be a problem for which violence is the only cure.

Men thump their women and the opposite sex respond by also doing nasty things as well. I once knew a lady who carried herself like some royalty – when she was not, angry. We simply envied her guy.

The dapper guy would ‘torture’ the rest of us by swinging around with the cool damsel, leaving the rest of us green with envy. Then one day she caught him betraying her trust.

No the lady didn’t fight. She just went for his wardrobe, took out his best suits and shredded each pair like a bunch of useless pieces of paper. Man, the guy had expensive outfit! To this day it is said that he has hydraulic problems with his system down there. Doctors have prescribed Viagra pills for him.

I wonder if it is the times. But many stories of fearful crimes crop up with the insecurities and jealousies among couples. Men batter their women. There are those horror stories too. I remember that picture of a young lady who ended up being splashed with sulphuric acid on her face.

The murderous punk is said to have splashed her with the acid while yelling that if he was being rejected then he would rather that all the men miss the charm of her beauty.

Another punk was so jealous of his chick that he killed her with a machete and went to string himself up. Another punk, a plain-clothes policeman shot his lover due to jealousy and simply disappeared. I hear he has never been caught ever since by the authorities.

You never stop hearing the horrors former lovers committed to each other. Most of the violent men should meet my sister, Tausi. She is a bombshell of a babe. But don’t be fooled by that name. Yes, she moves with the gaiety of a peacock but that is where it all ends.

Tausi also possessed one of the most lethal head-butts I have seen in a babe. One day at this watering hole the boyfriend was kind of misbehaving. His mouth was uttering profanities and other epithets. Tausi never lifted her hand until, that is, he hit her.

It was just like a movie. She head-butted him three times on the face in such rapid succession that it was not only the guy who didn’t know what hammered him but even those near the hapless guy were also left spellbound!

The ‘sweetie’ went down, ‘maroon soup’ literally gushing out of his reddened bloody nose. Some of us simply found it to be the unexpected sequel to poetic justice. Yes, bullies anywhere in the world should be thumped in return.

Which brings me back to the gender-violence thing. Should martial arts become compulsory for females?

God forbid. Experience shows that if you empower someone, whosoever they are, they would be tempted to use that power and use it corruptly. A female unarmed combat guru would simply be too dangerous a species for the masculine honeys.

Men are physically stronger but women are physiologically excellent. If you don’t agree, try getting pregnant. Making women physically superior also, would simply imperil men. A woman’s weapon of mass destruction is her compelling nightingale voice not the power to throw punches.

Women are simply dangerous as fighters. At least one man in the world, who found and harnessed that truth, is Libya’s Muamar Ghadafi. He has a legion of all women close bodyguards. And if you think he is not well protected, try getting near him.

I remember some Tanzanian men who formed a Tanzania Battered Husbands Society. They have complained that they are being battered by their wives.

Violence, in any form is horrible. Maybe we should teach our children to make love and not war when they grow up. And, with an eye on Tanzania’s population boom, we should also tell our babies – make love and not babies!

Married couples risk HIV infection?

Ye gods! Now we are being told that married couples are one of the groups at greatest risk of contracting HIV/Aids.

Hardly sexy news, that. On a weekend like this such talk in papers is such a kill joy. This will hit at the middle class most. For, they are the couples who make trips for the endless ‘sex seminars’ in say, Dodoma, Arusha and other urban centres.

I didn’t say that all guys who attend any of those endless seminars, and other assorted meetings are actually sex fiends. Some of them are quite law-abiding, God-fearing and Aids-fearing people.

The trouble with the Aids thing is that it has a lot to do with the psyche. Once that seed of doubt is planted in the head the rest becomes a real nightmare.

Imagine mzee comes back to Dar and hugs his wife: “Ahh, lovey dovey it’s great to see you! Let’s have a lovely dinner somewhere and then go home for some good loving.”

The wife might demur and start thinking nasty things about hubby. “Look at the thug. He has been romping and going at it with prostitutes in Arusha. I could strangle him or crush his nuts down there!”

OR, she could be looking at him in an amused manner. “At this rate my husband will kill us both. I hope he used some decent condoms when he was ‘working’ in this seminar…” Hardly thoughts to quicken the wife’s blood.

What about the husband? Wife come from a seminar in Dodoma and coos: “Hello, mume wangu! I missed you so much. I am so tired. All week I have been working hard…”

The husband would look at her suspiciously: “Did she say she was tired? I hope it had all to do with the actual seminar. She looks like she has indeed been exerting herself in something more sinister besides the seminar of poverty alleviation…”

And the evil thoughts could be in the husband. Then the husband might start failing in performing his husbandly duties. The hydraulic system down there fails completely. You look at the wife as if you are sleeping with a potential assassin. It can be hell.

Then you go for sex-aids. Viagra can be expensive even for the middle class guys. But the herbalist might try to help with all those potions. That is why when you read the adverts of the local herbalists, you notice that they start by saying that they can cure all hydraulic problems in men. ‘Nguvu za kiume’ is always at the top of the advertisement.

Of course total abstinence is the only option. But then, you would be abnormal to pretend that you don’t notice heart stopping beauty that is a Tanzanian woman.

The government should simply ban HIV/Aids forthwith or send it to some maximum security laboratory. Immediately!

Umasikini unaleta uroho

Neno ‘fisadi’ limekua linatumika sana siku mbili tatu hizi. Mimi mafisadi nawaita kwa neno tulilolizoea. Haya ni majizi na miroho tu. Kwa nini tunamwita anayeiba kuku au simu ya mkononi, ‘mwizi’ na anayeiba mabilioni fisadi? Ni kumpa heshima mwizi wa mabilioni?

Labda tuseme ukweli – Afrika yetu haikuwa tayari kujitawala. Maana yake wengine tunajikuta kuwa tumefikia kiwango cha kukata tamaa. Mimi nilifikiria kuwa tukijitawala, waAfrika tutakuwa na uchungu na nchi zetu. Lakini haijatokea hivyo.

Ghafla tumejikuta tumemwondoa mkoloni ili kuweka kundi la majizi, tena majizi yasiyokuwa na uchungu na wananchi wao. Hatuwezi kuendelea namna hii. Hatuwezi kukaa na hali hii ambayo sasa kwa kweli inatia kinyaa.

Wanasaikologia wanasema kwamba watu walio toka kwenye umasikini mkali wakipata madaraka mara nyingi wanabadilika sana. Mtu anajaribu kuukimbia umasikini ule aliouacha na kuuweka mbali sana nayo. Kwa hiyo wengi wao wanakuwa hawana kiasi. Kila wakiona fedha wanataka kuziiba ziwe zao (EPA).

Wengine wanaweza kuuza hata wake zao, mradi tu wapate fedha. Na nchi hii imeuzwa sana. Yaani sasa karibu kila mahali pananuka katika nchi yetu. Na kama kawaida hakuna hatua inayochukuliwa. Porojo nyingi tu.

Ni nini hasa kinachowafanya watu wengine wanaojiita viongozi (mimi nawaita watawala) wasiwe hata na chembe ya uoga wa wizi mkubwa kiasi hicho?

Maana yake sasa wananchi wanajua kwamba watawala walikua wanafanya kampeni,siyo kwenda kuwatumikia wananchi, bali kwenda kuwaibia. Mara nyingi watawala walikua wanajikinga kuwa kama kuna wizi unatokea basi wangependa kupata ushahidi ndiyo wachukue hatua.

Sasa kuna ushahidi wa kutosha. Mwenyezi Mungu ameamua kukaa upande wa wananchi wengi wanaodhulumiwa na kuibiwa na watu wanaojiita viongozi. Lakini hatua yo yote haijachukuliwa. Wakifumwa jamaa wanajiuzuru na kuendela kula mabilioni waliyotuibia. Hii itaendelea mpaka lini? Au tulie tu?

Sasa yamefika kwa wafadhili wetu. Nao sasa kinawakera sana. Huku watawala wanaziomba nchi zilizoendelea zifute madeni yetu na hapo wanawaibia wananchi utafikiria watawala hao hawana akili nzuri! Anakuwa masiala hayo!

Sasa Norway nayo imeanza kuwanyooshea kidole watawala wa Tanzania. Jumanne iliyopita waziri wa wa Mazingira na Maedeleo ya Kimataifa wa Norway, Bwana Erik Solheim amesema kuwa WaTanzania wahakikishe kuwa fedha za misaada zinatumiwa kwenye kazi inayouhusika.

Amesema walipa kodi wa Norway wanaanza kudhani kuwa wanafanywa mabwege, kutoa fedha za misaada ambazo zinaishia kukwapuliwa na watawala.

Lakini tutahakikishaje, wakati sirikali ni siri kali na inaendelea kuwa sirikali? Kama Profesa Shivji anavyosema wanasiasa na wabunge wako kwenye kazi hiyo kwa ajili ya kupata fedha na kuiba tu na mimi sioni watumishi waadilifu wa WaTanzania hapa!

Only male fish should be harvested?

One thing I love about our Bunge is that it can be vastly entertaining. Apart from the bum numbing speeches you hear some gems of humour. Bum-numbing speeches because you get the impression what some honourables don’t know what they are talking about.

Y’see, Bongo have come to believe that guys wearing some mostly frayed and out of fashion suits are vastly intelligent than the rest of the wananchi. Which is nonsense of course. Anyone, at least most of us can wear suits.

What with the mtumba culture we have embraced? But does that make you clever? An emphatic no! I’ll tell you what – what is the biggest thing con-men do when they want to make a kill? They wear natty clothes and are usually armed with smart-looking briefcases.

Now that takes you in and you dip you hand, take out your wallet, gladly part with your hard gained moola. But things are changing. If I see some bore droning on and on about what his or her ministry is going to do, or rather not do, to the people of Bongo, I stab my remote control for better entertainment.

You know guy is simply perfoming for the cameras. Telly is a politician’s oxygen. Without it he is dead. No wonder they try as much as possible to compromise the press. And we oblige. Njaa. And which is why every biggie has started his own press unit – stories and pictures of which are rammed to conventional press.

But, as I said earlier the honourables can be funny. One suggested that the only way to increase fish stocks in our lakes and rivers is to catch only male fish. Which is brilliant!

Trim presidential powers!

Religious leaders in the country have been meeting and protested against the excessive presidential powers, establishment of independent Judiciary and build a free Parliament.

The religious leaders call was contained in a 17-point document issued Dar last week at the end of a three-day inter-faith conference to discuss their role in promoting good governance in the country. Among the first thing they should have demanded from the government would have been to boot out the present minister of good governance, Sophia Simba, or axe the ministry altogether.

Anyone in his right mind, not only in the clerics in the United Republic of Tanzania, should think like that. In fact election laws, for example should be amended or scrapped a long time ago. In fact so far the government should concentrate in teaching most of us the meaning of ‘good governance’. Is seems most of us, badly need an elementary lesson in civics. One would think officialdom associate the subject with a beauty contest and fashion.

What is the point of going into the 2010 General Elections when we all know who will win and how the ‘elections’ will be won? Now that all Tanzanians know who is thieving with impunity and what crimes are being committed against the people of Tanzania and nothing happens.

Let’s start from the top. It is, and always has been, that those who will ‘eat’ in the next five years will be determined by how close they are to the throne. With all due respect, but the clerics have been pussy-footing with this topic since independence. What the colonialists left us were never democracies. What they left us were right-wing dictatorships, most with even even worse than the colonialist themselves.

Some few African countries have been lucky to have rulers with the fear of God in them. Like Tanzania. But most of them have simply been despicable monsters which normal people don’t want to be associated with.

The politicians know the value of being seen pally pallyling with the clerics in pictures. But the voice from the clerics should have been much louder than what we are getting. Tanzania is being raped and allowed to be raped by ‘investors’ with the tacit nod of people who call themselves leaders (rulers, to many of us)

The men and women of God, who live with us, should not acquiesce to this injustice and let the rulers get away with sin. Sin is sin and as people of God with should be more vocal against the on-going injustice, against the people of Tanzania.

I know no normal ruler will readily see the wisdom of the separation of powers in the ruling structure. But they all want to play chief. Only a few dozen years ago the chief used to be called husbands-of-husbands and other feudal claptrap. Believe me; they still want to be that. Our rulers sub-consciously want to be kings for life. They are eager to be called king-of-kings. Whoever they are, they are never mortal. They never let power nonchalantly flow off like water off a duck’s back, like Mzee Madiba (Mandela) or Mwalimu Nyerere. The rulers want to wear it to their graves.

They want only their friends and their hangers-on – some of whom we, the wananchi, question their sanity, to rule. Their only qualification is being friends with the throne. This just cannot go on.

If the moral authority in society is to keep quiet, and some obviously demented thugs are ‘given’ the authority to make mayhem in the country, then it is going to be partly the responsibility of the clerics and the executive. Power is never given. Power is wrestled

Tanzania should be a meritocracy, it now is has been turned by a ruling den of some Mafiosi, who are morally bankrupt without even shred of moral compunction in them. You know why we fail? Because our countries are being ruled by governors, who used to be called Sir Richard Turnbull and others, for the queen. The religious bodies are not helping by kowtowing to the whims of the kings in our countries, euphemistically called ‘president’.

Number of people with BP rising. Why?

An Indian heart surgeon, Dr Pujar Suresh recently paid a tour to give a free check out the conditions of the hearts of 200 people in Dar. He did not like what he saw.

The result of their medical conditions did not make sexy reading at all. He blamed bad eating habits, especially in the big towns like Dar es Salaam. It’s an easy analysis, in cities, lives a guy called Fisadi Jones. The more money he gets, he ends up increasingly to be a victim of his mouth and chow.

Eating, almost anything expensive, is his definition of the good life. He hardly is aware that in treating his tummy like a garbage dump,
he is actually slowly but surely digging his grave with his teeth.

The consumerist habits of the middle class, now pitifully reduced to an eating zombie is everywhere to see, especially in this festive season. The kids are wrongly being brought up to believe that fun is about serious gorging and drinking. Therein lies happiness, they wrongly think.

A young man could risk losing his babe, if he suggests, that they go for a nice little walk, you know, loose themselves in town and have fun on Chrismas day. That would be almost treasonable. Walk? Whom do you think she is, to be seen walking? You definitely are out!

So you don’t exercise, you don’t eat reasonably (I did not say a lot), you start getting all those problems. I remember being taught that walking to school is actually good for the little fellas. Today if couples, who have just entered the ‘rat race’ they could lynch you.

How dare you suggest that their little er…Fifi, walk two miles to her nursery school? Oh, our grand kiddies even have grand names too. I know a Maxine (Mhehe) Fifi (Mdengereko) and Junior (Mhaya) and Rihana (Mfipa).

One day I asked my lovely daughter (whose name is classified) why she had a funny name for her kid. She looked at me straight in the eye and said; “Because the names you gave us are not computer friendly, dad.”

Which means that the modern parents are at the mercy of Bill and Melinda Gates? I am sure shortly when you buy a laptop. There will be a large file for names. We could have names like Pixie Frou Frou, after the girl’s dog. The name of the town the kid was conceived like Paris Hilton after the daughter of the hotel magnate. Or, Brooklyn, one of David Beckman’s little boys.

It’s normal to be a copycat. Now you are an African American, until you grow to find out few African Americans give a damn about Africa. You could ape David Bekham and name you baby after the name of the town baby was conceived.

Say, two partners could have a quickie while spending a night at Mpwapwa or Kintinku in Dodoma Region. Say the dad is called Balyorugolu. Their baby could end up being called Kintinku Balyoluguru. Or Mpwapwa Kasusura? You see,Mpwapwa is no Paris.

I don ‘t know if those names will wash. I mean a guy like me – Lusekelo and end up with a kid conceived in Kisiju. Kisiju Lusekelo or Lusekelo Kisiju?

Hang on – let’s zoom back to what causes all those unhealthy pressures and the healthy life. I think it could be partly what we throw into our bodies, and partly the joining the rat race. You see it every day. Just observe carefully. (Watch this space) The truth is you cannot be everything at the same time!

Loving each other to death!

Middle age can be tricky. I hear once you go through the process of procreation, the urge to need each other (men and women, I mean) recedes. With men, they would rather go for an odd chat or drink or two to while the day away.

The things you once cherished increasingly become less and less important. My late old guy used to complain when they have had a tiff with the old girl: “Son, the surefire way of assuring yourself trouble in life are two things – a woman and a car.”

I would chuckle and look the other way. What was the Mzee talking about? I mean in those crazy years it was normal talk to the gang about you’re your and exploits with your ka-chick. Ninety per cent of the talk was wild fantasies. You walked from Dar to Miriam College in Morogoro to see your chick. She escorted you from Morogoro back to Dar. Love, you see.

You would lie to the rest of the gang (we were called gringos) about your exploits. “Did you score?” the gang would ask you, their eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

“Of course.” You would lie, “What do you think I am, a wimp? Six bloody times! You should have heard her scream with pleasure” You could hear the gringos sigh with a mixture of frustration and desire.

Later the whole gang would quickly disappear into the nearest loo to ostensibly have ‘showers’. Some would were heard to fall flat on the wet floors of the bathrooms.

Before you know it, you are grown up. Money becomes a problem. Before you date her you must have the money. That’s when you are taught that before you spend money you must earn it.

This makes much sense to me today. You just cannot spend money you don’t have. Except, of course, you are an African government, like Bongo. I later came to learn that most of the toffee-nosed bums who did that, ended up being wimps when they grew up. But the culture is very much into fashion today. Individuals and governments. And all the wimps who spend money without working for it are called fisadis. I just wonder for how long we are going to continue with the culture of glorifying thieves.

Also the trouble with middle-age is that instead of working on the joys of this category of age, your body starts rebelling. Your body says: “Okay, old boy, go and kill that ka-little chick. Just right for you.” Your head says yes as you ogle her with desire.

But, south of the border, the ka-thing behaves like a little baby who is learning how to walk. Damn! You feel like singing to the little uncle down there: “Up you go, I said. Attaboy! You can’t let me down in Mzee’s hour of need”

Nothing. Then one day, the scientist of the world discovered those little blue pills. Take two and the fireworks begin. But the medicos forgot to warn the middle aged guys, that…simply don’t overdo it! In the process of trying to ‘kill’ somebody with joy, you might end up very dead yourself, with a cardiac arrest!

Hard times. How will it be, having a barful of grumpy middle-aged potential lovers? The guy thinks the ka-thing could be having the bug and the ka-dada worrying that the James Bond across the table is carrying a loaded gun with a deadly HIV virus, not necessarily at the service of Her Majesty the Queen? Hard times these!

Majizi yafungwe kwanza kabla ya Marshal Plan

Wakati wa Mkutano wa Leon Sullivan mwaka mmoja uliopita kulikuwa na maneno ya kututia moyo sisi Wafrika katika mkutano wa Leon Sullivan unaoendelea huko Arusha. Binafsi nilipendezwa sana na maneno ya rais mstaafu wa Nigeria, Olusegun Obasanjo na mchungaji na mwanasiasa maarufu wa Marekani, Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson amekuwa na maoni kwamba ili kuiwezesha Africa kupata maendeleo ya haraka lazima jamii ya kimataifa, kwa makusudi, ibuni Marshal Plan kwa ajili ya Africa.

Sasa Marshal Plan ilifanywa na Umarekani kwa nchi za ulaya ziinuke kiuchumi baada ya kuteketezana katika vita vya pili vya dunia vya mwaka 1939 hadi 1945. Na kweli iliwezekana. Ndiyo leo tunaiona ulaya ilivyoendelea.

Mchungaji Jackson ndiyo ameshauri hiyo. Na mimi nakubaliana naye. Lakini naona kwanza kabla la hilo tufuate ushauri wa Obasanjo kwanza.

Yeye alitoa kauli nzito dhidi ya viongozi wa Afrika na kuwataka kupambana na rushwa katika nchi zao, hata kama zinawahusu viongozi wakuu waliopo madarakani na wale waliostaafu ndani ya nchi zao.

“Ili mataifa ya Afrika yaweze kupata maendeleo lazima viongozi wake wakubali kupambana na wala rushwa katika nchi zao, hata kama ni wakuu ndani ya nchi zao,” alisisitiza Obasanjo.

Nasikia kauli hiyo ya Obasanjo ilisababisha ukumbi mzima wa AICC kupiga makofi na kumshangilia, kitendo ambacho kilionyesha jinsi suala la ufisadi linavyowakera wengi wa Waafrika.

Kutoka Tanzania na Afrika nzima, lazima tufikie mahali tuanze kuulizana maswali na tuone hatua zikichukuliwa. Mwizi ni mwizi tu! Hatuwezi kusema rais au aliyekuwa rais akiiba basi ni ‘mla rushwa’ na mwizi wa kuku au simu ya mkononi ni mwizi wa kuuawa.

Wote ni wezi tu na lazima wachukuliwe hatua. Hata siku moja mwizi asije akaniomba mimi nimheshimu. Mimi nitakaa naye mbali sana.

Maana yake sasa barani Afrika imekuwa utani. Mtu anagombea urais ili aende akafuje mali, aibe na ajinufaishe. Eti, anaenda Uwanja wa taifa, anashika msahafu na kuapa kwamba atawatumikia Watanzania kwa utii, uadilifu na uwezo wake wote. Anaomba Mwenyezi Mungu amsaidie!

Huko ni kumtania Mwenyezi Mungu! Kumbejeli na kumkebehi Mwenyezi Mungu. Tumekubaliana kitaifa viongozi watalindwa mpaka Mungu akiwachukua. Hawatakufa na njaa. Lakini uroho hauwaishi.

Najua sisi bianadamu tunatabia ya uroho. Lakini kama wenzetu wa nchi zilizoendelea wanachukuliana hatua pale pale mauroho yanavyo washinda, lazima na sisi WaAfrika tuweke mikakati kama hiyo.

Obasanjo alisema: “Inabidi tukubali na tuwe tayari kuwafikisha mahakamani hata mawaziri na wakuu wa polisi kama wamehusika na vitendo vya rushwa, ndipo tutaweza kujipanga na hatua nyingine ya kukuza uchumi wa nchi zetu.” Alisema Mzee Obasanjo.

Kauli hiyo ya Obasanjo imekuja wakati marais kadhaa wastaafu wa Afrika, akiwamo yeye mwenyewe, wakiwa wanatuhumiwa kwa rushwa na matumizi mabaya ya madaraka walipokuwa viongozi.

Pamoja naye, orodha ya marais wastaafu wanaokabiliwa na tuhuma hizo ni pamoja na Benjamin Mkapa wa Tanzania, Frederick Chiluba wa Zambia na Bakili Muluzi wa Malawi.

Sawa kabisa. Nadhani JK amesikia vizuri sana kauli hiyo ya Obasanjo. Hakuna kitu kibaya sana kama wananchi kukosa imani na serikali yao!
Jirani zetu kama Zambia, Malawi wamaulizana maswali. Sisi tunangoja nini? Krismas?

Beat bus fares – walk!

Millions are disgusted by the recently bus fare hikes which have been rammed down our throats. Being a born optimist I have tried to look at positive side of the rising prices of fuel and the knock-on effect it has on the transport sector. I can see none, of course.

If you tickle the transport sector you tickle almost everything. Food goes up. The rising fuel price has made life hell for most of us. Even watching girls go by is getting to be quite expensive. If you give her the glad eye she tells will you she would love a fancy cell-phone.

You go: “Hi baby. How are you doing? How about a drink?”
“Nokia, thanks.” She replies.
Confused, you ask: “Did you say ‘no thanks’ or something?”
“I said ‘Nokia thanks. I don’t want a drink I would love a Nokia phone.” She tells you before you hastily flee to save your pocket from utter ruin.

The fuel price rises have even raised the costs of socialising. Now we consumers, mainly in Dar, have to pay for the stuff coming from the hinterland.

What I have been doing is making some counter-measures to make my life liveable. I have become a minimalist. You only buy what you need. In food I have almost become a vegan. Veggies are the stars in my diet. But it seems the vegetable producers have sent spies out to check on the consumption of vegetables. It is increasing. So the veggie producers have upped the prices of their product.

I am not a foody myself. You should eat only when you are hungry and only enough to live on. Don’t treat your body as a garbage dump. Red meat is definitely out. Only eat chicken and fish. But their prices are through the roof. So you buy them when celebrating New Year. So chicken and fish will be enjoyed in the New Year. Inshallah!

I don’t actually go to work. I work from my bedroom. This cuts costs of commuting. Why use two thousand a day in the hassle of jumping on and off daladalas in different parts of Dar es Salaam when you can text stories using your cell-phone? The late Chinese leader, Deng Xiao-Ping said: “It matters not if the cat is black or what, provided it catches the mouse.”

The way we are going on I fear the government might impose tax on breathing in our country. So I take deep gulps of fresh air every morning – just is case. You never know with governments. They have a tendency to impose impossible taxes on their citizens and lie to them that that is ‘development’ and the economy is growing.

Fuel prices and bus fare hikes. No daladala rides so maybe we should opt to exercising. Walking.

Actually we should walk more. It is good for the heart, researchers say. It also stimulates the blood circulation, gives you a feeling of well being, and makes you bloody tired!

Is the madness going to continue?

I read a mad statement from the Immigration Services Department that the government will this year stop issuing working permits to foreigners engaging in petty businesses reserved for locals.

Immigration services spokesman Abdi Ijimbo, said that foreigners are only allowed to invest in major businesses requiring huge capital.

Indeed. Do asking for a permit to come and sell plastic flowers in Tanzania need huge capital? Or do you need to call the selling of soap, toys and other knick-knack ‘major businesses?

The insult to the people of Tanzania continues unabated. Tanzanians cannot sell soap and other junk coming from the Far East, more than 40 per cent of it is plain junk and fakes.

The scandal at the immigration department has long been around, and as usual, no one has been caught. It doesn’t sound tough to me. All you have to do is to find who signed for a Chinaman or anyone from the Far East come to sell plastic flowers in Tanzania.

Now I know that most of the ruling party has sold off and been bought by the rich guys with money. They are currently busy trying to sweep the muck under the carpet. Trouble is the mound of pooh to be swept under the carpet is too big. The whole Tanzania house now stinks of fresh pooh. You have to have a mega-cold not to smell the stench.

It it now so country-wide and everyone is partaking in the looting. How can an Immigration man allow foreigners come to sell toy flowers to Tanzanians? Worse, once the Far East smart alecs, bring in their junk, they go into slave practice.

They hire young Tanzanian men ad women to walk from bar to bar to sell their stupid junk for them. The kids call what they are doing ‘a promotion’ for their junk. Slavery behind closed doors, if you ask me.

Who, in the first place, even imagines that Tanzania belongs to every tom,dick and hamisi – except, that is, Tanzanians themselves. Believe me dear reader, some thugs are just selling our country from our very feet right now. I think I could do with a bit of anger. Tanzanian should learn not to take crap from anyone including the government itself.

The immigration department is a government department. So has it been allowing in toy sellers from the Far East with government consent. Because if that is the case, then we might as well put up the entire country for sale.

It seems that the business of running the country has overwhelmed us. Let’s put it up for sale to the big powers. After all the second scrabble for Africa is in progress.

He first scramble for Africa had the Brits, Germans , French and the Belgians. The reasons are the same – Africa’s vast resources.

In round two of the scramble we have new entrants – India, China and maybe Brazil. Our ‘sons of Africa’ now in their air-conditioned offices are selling this country now. They are selling everything.

In 560 years rich Tanzanians will be going to China to see the lions and there might be wilderbeest migrations, not in the Serengeti, but in Uttar Pradesh region in India. The Africans will have sold their entire continent for whisky and shangingis!

Fried fish a la John Pombe!

Hurray! I hear that the ministry of livestock development, fisheries and is giving out fish - gratis. Courtesy to the exploits of the minister himself, John Pombe Magufuli and his brilliant shock troops within his ministry.


The fish was impounded by the ministry after they caught Philipino pirates off the coast of Tanzania. Immediately the ministry got ‘creative’ and after 5 month of being stored in some cold-storage in Mwenge at a privately-owned set-up the fish is now given out free of charge and the government is left with a tidy debt of $1.18 million. The rest is ancient history.

But, wait for one big, fat minute. There has been another hiccup. No free fish has been given out. It seems that the ministry’s brilliant bureaucrats cannot even give the chow free.

I take back what I said earlier that the fish should have been auctioned five months ago, that would have been a momentous job. Now I am told that even giving it away free is another problem. Maybe we should call the donors to help. Let’s face it guys, we cannot even give free fish to people.

It’s quite a lot of fish, John and his super intelligent shock troops are trying to give out – some 296.32 plus tonnes of tuna (jodari). I have had a bit of tuna steaks before (definitely not from John’s ministry). But you cannot just grill 296.32 tonnes of the stuff. Cooking oil is in very short supply in Bongo. If you want to grill it, you will destroy half the Sao Hill forest reserve.

But not to worry too much. My spies in the ministry of livestock development and fisheries have hinted to me that John and his staff have been burning the mid-night oil manufacturing a special menu on how to do the tuna for those who manage to get the fish.

I hear not much time has been spent on writing the prisoners’ menu. Their fish will just be boiled with a pinch of salt and some ugali. That should do. If they protest the jailbirds will be told that under no circumstances will their tuna be seasoned. If they say ‘fyoko’ the fish will be withdrawn and they could go back to the diet they are used to – ugali and rotten beans!

For schools the dentis will get their fish seasoned an onion or two for a school of 600 students. If I know the ministry well, the whole lot of the fish will be pinched by headquarters staff. I mean if they steal exams year in and year out, and steal scholarships for their kids, girlfriends and boyfriends, what stops them from stealing tuna?

And hospitals? That will be the easy one. When the technocrats of Muhimbili are asked how come there is not even a whiff of tuna smell in the wards at he hospitals there will always be an answer. An elaborate report will be written that there has been an outbreak of an unidentifiable disease. That there have been sudden losses of appetite at the referral hospital and in frustration the fish have escaped into the Indian Ocean again.

But for the high echelons in society, they will be given a special menu for them to ‘taste’ the tuna. One of the biggies’ wives would be advised to make some stir fried Indian Ocean tuna steak a la John Pombe.

State House cooks could be advised to present to mzee some Indian Ocean tuna fish done in coconut sauce and Ubwabwa. I also
guess the Bunge will want to have an explanation about swimming dead tuna fish from Muhimbili. What John’s ministry could do is suggest a heavy menu for the Parliamentarians.
It could consist of John Pombe’s succulent tuna chunks, marinated in thick Tamarind sauce and chapatis to be washed down with chilled dry Dodoma white wine. That could put MP’s in a more agreeable frame of mind to hear his story and momentous goofs.

A sucker is born every minute!

It must be the abject poverty we are facing as a country. Tanzania now sounds, Haiti the world’s poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. Nearly the entire country seems to run out of ideas to think. Now we are drifting en masse into superstition. Uchawi.

Every conman is on a feeding frenzy in Tanzania. And I mean every con-man is on the take. Most politicians jive us nearly everyday and some bums seems to believe the rubbish. A Bunge Committee finds out some blatant thievery over our Richmond racket, the proof is there and the culprits of the racket say that is not true – without batting a lid.

We, the suckers seem to agree with the hogwash. The racketeers arrogantly say they don’t believe in the report from the waBunge. They want a group of judges to prove them innocent, looking very ridiculous in the process.

Now they want a group of prophets to come from heaven and deny that there has been heavy thieving. Oh, the game is being played all over the country. Someone had suggested that the entire deals on mining in the country be re-examined. This is good thinking, of course.

But there is a deliberate attempt to scupper the whole deal. We Tanzanians take the crap with great joy. In the land deals we are busy giving out lands, to foreigners, eti, to increase our agricultural potential which is performing abysmally. We simply give fancy names like ‘kilimo kwanza’.

But one would have at least thought that there are things which are home grown – like juju. Every country has its home-grown version of juju. Not in Bongo. We have mostly fake rulers, fake policies and we have now even fake jujumen.

I have known about fake religionists, religious con-men, who yell about ‘sacrifice’. In short, is you give them money and you will be blessed by the Almighty. One wonders, just who gave them the power to cut a deal between you and the Almighty God?

Notice how many churches have sprouted in the country? Maybe the government should encourage this entrepreneurship (ujasiria mali) It is easy to analyse those things. Some guys think there is a short-cut to religious nirvana. Just keep bribing the guys who call themselves his shepherds and everything will be hunky-dory for you. You can bribe the mere mortals here on earth, but can you bribe God?

And now enterprising Tanzanian con-men have already taken a leaf from the religious con-men. It have been rumored that Nigerian con-men are very good at what they do. They are on first names terms with the Almighty.

They sound like what you hear in those churches which sprout like mushrooms. You want a husband? Everyone knows that young damsels in distress are desperate to get married.

But life is not that easy and young men are reluctant to get hitched. So they run off to some ‘church’ to give money to con-men so that they can get a ‘husband’. In most cases the ‘husbands’ ends up being the one yelling about knowing God on the first name basis. The so-called Nigerian juju men do exactly the same. Ask some conned girls and they will tell you about their horror stories.

People are jobless, the con-men will get you a job instantly – but for a substantial dollop of money. A girl want a baby, instead of going to check out with a gyno, she goes to some religious con-man and he mostly ends up providing stud services for the chick.

And since there is a sucker born every minute, a con-man called Fataki, in Dar es Salaam changes his name and becomes Babatunde Oyawole, from Nigeria, ready to make young girls pregnant for a hefty fee. Gigolos in the name of the Lord!

It’s a mixture of abysmal ignorance and plain stupidity which feeds on the victims. By the by, have you noticed that it’s mostly women who fall victims to those con-men. They steal the little money the have from their families, only to go and hand it over to the combined religious and so-called juju men.
I also hear that religious con-men travel to West Africa to go and get juju so that they get many worshipers, which means more sacrifices. Just remembers that for anyone calling for sacrifice, you should know that there are a group of guys who grow fabulously rich eating those sacrificial offerings – tax free!

Happy New Year! ... Maybe!

So the president of Unguja, Amani Abeid Karume and the de facto Pemba boss, have suddenly decided to kiss and make up, after a bitter struggle in the politics of the Zanzibar? Just like that?

And the rest of us are supposed to raise our hands in praise of the Almighty God. Not me. I find it very difficult to suddenly start believing in political miracles. How do we record this for posterity?

That it was a lovely morning in Zenj, as the glorious sun was rising from the East, the air in Zenj was pungent with the aroma of exotic spices, and maandazi, as Mzee, Dr, Bwana Mkubwa suddenly felt the need to phone his rival.

Imagine this:“Assalam Aleykum, Maalim.”
“Aleykum Salaam. Whatever you say, you stole the votes in 1995, you stole the votes 2000 and in 2005. So there!” the maalim’s eyes glow with evil intentions.
“Who’s talking about rigging elections? I am talking about a very serious matter here. I am talking about the expulsion of dudus.”
“What dudus? No Amani, you are not getting away with it this time, dudus or not!”
“Listen man. I am inviting you to attend my awarding of a PhD in mosquito expulsion from the Zanzibar Islands. I will get the doctorate from the Kairuki University Hospital in Dar is Ssalaam.”
“Kariuki Hospital? Surely it should be in Nairobi…” corrects the maalim.
“No, Professor Kairuki memorial hospital in Dar and maalim, I have other goodies to offer you and your buddies in the CUF.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” asks the maalim, who suddenly gets very keen to hear the Zenj president’s story. The Zenj president inches closer and whispers something into the maalim’s ear.

Suddenly he maalim is all teeth, any dentist would love that. “Say no more Amani, say no more. We will discuss the rest of the deal at the Prof Kariuki Memorial Hospital in Dar iss Ssalaam…” says Dr Shamhuna who is the deputy chief minister in Zenj. “Dr Kairuki,” Corrects Dr Shamsi Nahodha Vuai, the Chief Minister.

Impeccable sources in the Zanzibar swear that they do not know what deal has been cut amongst the heavyweights in the Zenj political establishment.

A cheeky observer, wearing a barghashiyeh, was seen thinking aloud:“These guys have been jockeying for positions in the next government. The thing is about who will be the next generation of eaters next year.’ The man was last seen being escorted with men wearing, SMGs, RPGs, tear-gas bombs, stun guns and other anti- personnel paraphernalia.

The crap of labeling people

I have been watching it with apprehension – this habit, by our media, of labeling people according to their position in government. A former goat herder rapidly changes his position and becomes minister so-and-so. Why isn’t he called goat herder so-and so?

Right now we have guys calling themselves ‘engineers’. CCM secretary-general Uncle Joe Makamba is a sexagenarian,yet he is still a lieutenant. One wonders when he will make it to captain. Captains George Mkuchika John Chiligati still think like socialist cadres. The guys haven’t heard that the internet has been around for the past 40 years.

Frankly, I don’t mind guys applying mascara and other make-up to their names to make them sound impressive. I just ignore that crap. But, maybe I heard wrong, even the Speaker of Parliament, Sam Six called the media and denied that he was “after former prime minister Ted Lowasa’s job as prime minister.”

Right now the wags on both side of the political divide are busy throwing mud at each other – to the delight of the rest us Wananchi. I frankly never knew that there were foul mouthed thugs with their basketfuls of money doing anything they can do to smear the good guys in the party.

Look at the lies the utterances of the Dar es Salaam CCM Secretary, Kilunde Ng’emda and CCM chairman, Johyn Guninita swearing that the IPP boss is not a members of the CCM. It’s so gross. Then after their political masters corrected them, they come in with a groveling apologetic letter. Eti secretary, eti, chairman. Those ignoramuses don’t even know their own party members. Or, one could say they went into strategic amnesia, when it came to Reginald Mengi’s membership. Thus goes the power of money!

Everyone knows that they are the thieves in some circloes of the CCM.. Everyone knows that they are desperately trying to call the shots in the party. They have bought some starving MPs but not all. Some have stood their ground and thumb their noses at the rich fisadis. And now the knives are out.

Crap like, Sam Six is gunning for Ted Lowasa’s job. A load of bull crap, of course. Nobody, but nobody ‘owns’ a job of president, prime minister, minister or any position in the Tanzania political establishment. This is never a monarchy. The great English playwright, William Shakespeare summed the entire game up: The world is a stage, you come and do your gig and as the curtain falls, bow out your adieu. Kwisha!

In fact Sam Six should not have given the rubbish from the CCM money bags even the honour of replying to that accusation. I mean what is wrong with aspiring to be a president, or prime minister or a minister or staying as a goat herder - and good luck to you with the in-coming El Nino?
Tanzanians should know that no one owns a ‘title’ in our land. The politicians actually encourage people to adorn them with mascara and make-up in their titles. The latest mascara application to the faces of our politicians is the PhD. All that is just childish vanity.

Si ujana au uzee, ni uadilifu!

Wala tusijidanganye kuwa tukia na watawala vijana ndiyo mambo yatakuwa safi kabisa Tanzania. Akizungumza na njini Dar es Salaam na vijana kutoka nchi mbalimbali za Afrika wakishiriki katika mpango wa kulea Uongozi wa Afrika (African Leadership Initiative) Rais Kikwete alisema kuwa vijana ndiyo Tanzania ya kesho na kama haikuweza kuwawekeza vya kutosha katika vijana wao na maendeleo yao, basi itakuwa haiwezi katika hali yake ya baadaye.

Rais Kikwete aliondoa kusikia kwa wachambuzi wa habai kama ataendelea na urais au hapana. Inaonekana ataendelea. Amesema akiendelea basi atawachngamkia vijana katika uongozi nchini.

Nakubali. Na maneno haya niliyasikia zamani sana – kuwa eti sisi ni taifa la kesho, eti sisi na tegemeo la nchi yetu tukufu Tanzania. Lakini rika langu limeangalia na kutafakari na kuona mambo yanavyokwenda na tukagundua kuwa yote hayo yalikuwa danganya toto.

Hapa tunazungumzia kuhusu madaraka. Na kitu madaraka ni simi inayokata pande zote mbili. Ni kali sana. Ukichukua vijana, mimi naona, ukimwondoa Hayati Baba wa Taifa, Mwalimu Nyerere, Mzee Rashid Kawawa, Mzee Abdul Sykes na wengine wachache wasiofika kumi, watu hawa waliochukua madaraka ujanani, ni wachache sana waliobaki kuwa ‘watu wa kawaida’.

Nilibahatika kuwaona wote kwa karibu sana wakati mimi nilivyokuwa kadogo. Mpaka walivyostahafu walikuwa wako vile vile, ila umri ndiyo ulionyesha, siyo kwa kusem hovyo, bali kwa busara zao.

Leo uzao wetu umeanza kunyemelea uzeeni. Wenzetu wengine wamepata madaraka makubwa sana. Lakini mimi nawaona wale wale. Wengine hawna taabu, lakini wengine wamekuwa vichaa kabisa. Wamelewa madaraka kabisa! Mpaka imefikia kuwa leo ukiwaona mafree wa Pugu unawakimbia kwa aibu.

Nikaanza kuwauliza wenzangu – hivi kwa nini wale wanamapinduzi tuliokuwa nao shule, tukaapa kufa kuikomboa Tanzania wamebadilika manna hiyo? Kwa ujumla tukagundua kuwa wengi wenye majidai ya kitoto na kijinga walikuwa wametokea kwenye kwenye nyumba za tembe kule kwao. Wametokea kwenye umasikini wa kutisha. Aliyepafanya mpaka waone shule alikuwa ni Baba wa Taifa na siasa yake ya elimu kwa wote. Hivi hivi wangekuwa wanachunga mbuzi kwao tu.

Kwa hiyo vijana hao, ambao sasa wamekuwa madarakani wanadiriki hata kumponda Mwalimu, kwa kuwawezesha kusoma shule na sasa wanataka kuwa viongozi. Kwa babau za kisaikologia baado wanaukimbia ule umasikini waliokuwa nao kabla hawajakuwa wamekombolewa na limu hiyo.

Kwa hiyo nyumba moja haitoshia, bali nyumba nane. Gari moja halitoshi ila magari kumi. Watoto kusoma Tanzania haiwezekani ni Ulaya. Mabinti zao wakipata chunusi puani, hakuma hospitali Tanzania, mpaka aende ulaya au sausi. Huo unaitwa ulimbukeni na siku hizi utauona sana kwa hao wanaoitwa vijana.

Na kijana ni kijana. Anataka wanawake wote wawe wake, ukimtaka mmoja utafukuzwa kazi. Majina mengi ninayo ya uhuni wanaofawanya hao wanaoitwa vijana wanaowaonea wenzao kwa mambo ya kupuuzi. Njemba imeshindwa kubonga, basi inaondoa upinzani kwa kumfukuza kazi mwenzake anayeshinda.

Kazi hawezi, lakini kwa sababu ni mtoto wa fulani, basi anaendelea kumbandikwa katika cheo hicho. Naona wengine wananing’inia kwa majina ya baba zao. Kwani Mwalimu na Mzee Kawawa walitegemea majina ya Baba zao?

Uchizi huo ukiendelea Africa itaanza kutawaliwa na watoto wa marais wa sasa. Usultani umeanza Gabon, Misri, Mzee Museveni nae anataka kufanya maajabu huko Uganda.

Tunachotaka ni viongozi wenye busara, siyo uzee au ujana. Kuna wazee wahuni na utawaambia vile vile. Na kuna vijana, na wao ndiyo wanaweza kuwa waharibifu zaidi. Nao tutawazomea vile vile.
Kwani hivi sasa, Tanzania inaburuzwa na matapeli walichache wenye hela ambao wanataka kuteka nyara nchi yetu. Ni wazee wale? Si vijana majambazi, wenye vijisenti tu, ambao wamekinunua chama tawala?

Wacha tu waendelee kuzipiga

Wiki mbili hizi kumekuwa na bonge la burudani kisiasa nchini kwetu. Mimi binafsi nimekuwa ni mmoja wa wananchi wanaoona kuwa mgogoro unaoendelea kwa upande fulani unamaslahi kwa WaTanzania. Nimekuzwa katika utamaduni wa kama mtu anataka kukuuzia ubabe wa kijinga na usiokuwa wa maana, basi kwanza mnatoka nje, mnananesa kwa ngumi na mateke, na atakayetoka na nundu shauri lake.

Nakumbuka, marehemu rafiki yangu mpenzi alikuwa akiwakatisha tama maadui zetu waliokuja na ngumi mkononi kwa kuwaambia kuwa ‘kupigana ni njia ya washenzi ya kupatana’

Wengine wamesema kuwa mgogoro unaotokea hivi sasa katika chama tawala ni wa kitoto. Mimi ninauangalia kimtizamo mwingine. Hao tunaowaita wazee nao pia walikuwa vijana siku moja. Wengine walikuwa hivyo hivyo, waadilifu, watu wa kuheshimika na watu poa kwa ujumla.

Wengine walikuwa chakaramu, wahuni, majitu ya hovyo kwa ujumla. Ila tu umri umewafanya walainike na kuficha makucha yao ya uzeeni. Lakini ukiwakwarua kidogo tu, wazee hao, wanarudia uchakaramu ule ule, na ukimuingilia hovyo atakupiga mabichwa usiyotegemea.

Sema tu wanatumia muda usiokubalika. Ukimuiona kijana asiyeenda disco akiwa na umri wa miaka 20 na, na kukimbizana na wenzie wa rika lake basi ujue kuna tatizo hapo. Na ukiona mzee wa miaka 55 anakwenda disco na kuanza kufukuzana na vijukuu vyake – eti wapenzi wake, napo hapo kuna matatizo makubwa.

Sasa tangu kupata uhuru, tumekuwa na chama kimoja cha siasa, ambacho kimefinyangwa kwa kiasi kikubwa na Baba wa Taifa, Hayati, Mwalimu Julius Nyerere. Ni yeye aliyekipa chama hicho heshima kubwa, kwanza kabisa kwa kujiheshimu yeye mwenyewe na kuwaheshimu wananchi wa Tanzania.

Wakati wa uhai wake, alisema tena na tena, umuhimu wa chama kuwa cha wakulima na wafanya kazi wa Tanzania. Aliwatilia ngumu sana majambazi yaliyotumia fedha kukinunua chama hicho. Lakini baada ya ya kumgoja Mwalimu apite njia yake hapa Ulimwenguni, majambazi hayo ya kisiasa, yameamua kuiteka nyara nchi nzima. Ndiyo wote huu ugomvi wao na vikaragosi vyao unaoendelea dhidi ya Watanzania.

Wengine wanasema kuna uwezekano wa chama tawala kugawanyika. Mimi sioni ubaya wowote kwa hilo. Ila ningependa wabunge mashujaa wenye kuipenda nchi yao wasiachie ngazi, hata wakidhalilishwa namna gani na wababe wa ‘Misheni Kota’ (Mission Quarters) Ilala, kama Sophia Simba na kundi lake. Wacha wababe, wao ndiyo waondoke na kuanzisha chama chao cha mafisadi.

CCM si chama kibaya. Ila kuna uchafu ambao unamahela, ambao wanataka kuendelea kufanya na kuendelea kufanya uovu wao kudhalilisha Tanzania. Majambazi hayo wacha yaendelee kuihujumu nchi yetu na tuone yatafika wapi. Hawawezi kundi la majambazi likaendelea kudhalilisha utu wa Watanzania kwa vipande 50 vya fedha.

Hali hii ya kuiendesha chi yetu kama gari bovu, haitaruhusiwa kuendelea milele. Hata Mwenyezi Mungu hatakubali uonevu huu. Mapambano yaendelee tu. Watanzania wanawajua mashujaa wao!

Sophia runs away with her mouth!

Lovely times. The general population has been beyond themselves in the on-going game of powers shortage. Instead of getting electricity and power we have been getting plenty of hot air from an assortment of clowns masquerading as politicians.

While different government departments have been playing ping-pong on the electricity games, others have started hallucinating. Just the day before yesterday, the Prez Jack Mrisho, complained that he does not get enough support from foreigners in his struggle against grand graft, except the Brits and their Serious Fraud Unit, his inappropriately called minister of good governance, Sophia Simba has sworn that there is nothing with thosassociated with high doubtful deeds including high graft.

Sophia finds former attorney General Andy Chenge, squeaky clean. The minister of inappropriately called ‘good governance’ has been embattled for quite some time. But one thing one would say one admires is that she can utter some untruths without batting a lid. That is the Almighty Lord’s greatest gift to womanhood. I mean, how would you take this maza, when she goes before Mzee Mwinyi tribunal and say that all those CCM hero MP who refuse to be manipulated by the moneyed rich guys in the party are themselves fisadis?

She defended chief suspects, Rostam Aziz, Ted Lowassa, Nizar Karamagi, Andy Chenge among others, as the angels in the midst of the Tanzania society. Which is rubbish, of course. The minister of the inappropriately called ‘good governance’ is simply trying to insult the intelligence of the Tanzania people. If she was some sort of a comedienne, we would have applauded her sense of humour and even have called for an encore.

But this? I mean just where do they manufacture such types up to the point they are picked,eti, as ministers? The farce is also very cheap. It reminds one when we were in primary boarding school. There were always scraps among students. The unwritten law was never to separate the combatants, until we knew who got a really decisive thumping.

Usually the one who was ‘getting it’ would start fighting dirty - stones, sand on the face, grabbing of the balls down there, gouging of eyes. A drowning person will always clutch at a serpent - the sages of yore correctly said. Now is maza drowning? If not, why is she playing dirty by referring to Anne Kilango’s married life? That Aunt Anne married Mzee Malecela because she thought he was going to be president and naturally, she would be first lady.

That when Mzee Malecela did not achieve power, Aunt Anne vengefully turned her focus into a fisadi hunter in the party. What if Aunt Anne turned the tables on the inappropriately named ‘minister for good governance’ and asked her who is her husband or husbands? How many kids has she been blessed with? Same baba? Could she furnish Tanzanians with her academic background? I think those quick mouthed politicians should know this before they engage their mouths – people in glass houses should not throw stones! For, can they withstand the counter attack?

The withering counter-attack

After the attacks by the inappropriately called minister of ‘good governance’, Sophia Simba, against leading members of the anti-big time graft squad they have rallied and made a counter attack.

Former Prime Minister and CCM vice Chairman, Mzee John Malecela has dismissed Sophia Simba as a crazy nut who needs urgent psychological treatment from the Mirembe madhouse near Dodoma before heading back to Dar.

A day earlier Sophia had gone into a diatribe against Mzee John Malecela and his wife Anne Kilango Malecela. She accused them of having their wedding to be bankrolled by businessman, Jeetu Patel.

IPP boss Reginald Mengi called Sophia Simba an idiot: “There is an English saying that don’t argue with a fool, as people might not notice the difference.” But he said sometimes one has to respond, especially when some idiot starts to utter imaginary stuff from cloud-cuckoo land.

Sophia had accused Mengi of carrying fake CCM membership and that he never helped prop up the ruling party with finances. Which baffles some of us?

Is maza trying to tell the rest of us that if you are a businessman then you cannot join CCM unless you cough up some serious moola, then you will be regarded with an agreeable disposition by the rulers. That explains it, as to why the rich guys have hi-jacked the ruling party. The rest of us are to be used as fodder in the present election times.

Maza also accused Anne Kilango of having been a drug dealer. If that was the case then why didn’t she tell the anti-narc squad? Or was she working on a PhD in Applied Fibbing. Remember, that is not a crime in Tanzania. Some on-line university should hastily award her with a doctorate in manufacturing hot air. Welcome Dr. Sophia Simba!

I told you so, John Pombe!

A couple of months ago, I said the government was about to goof in it’s handling of 296 tonnes of fish caught by Philippino pirates of the cost of Tanzania.

It was a commendable job by Livestock Development and Fisheries Minister, John Pombe Magufuli and his troops. Then some smart Alecs in the ministry, definitely with a nod from John Pombe himself, started thinking like traders, which is none of their business. That was the start of the goof.

They hired a trader in Dar who had cold storage facilities in Mwenge, to store the fish as ‘evidence’ Eyebrows were raised amongst sane men. Why store that ‘evidence’ at 800 dollars a tonne a day when it had already been verified by the state organs?

Eye Spy suggested that it only needed a posse of learned judges to spend an hour at the Mwenge Cold storage facilities and write their reports on the evidenced. Then auction the fish fasta to Tanzanians before the storage bill soared to dizzying heights. Of course the smart Alecs ignored the advise from the nosey media. In our country only the politicians and the bureaucrats are capable for any thought. The rest of us are the goons.

And now – voila! John Pombe has come in eating humble pie. The government will distribute the fish, valued at Shs 2.07 billion for free! In hindsight he has suddenly discovered that the government does not do business.

John Pombe said the distribution would start next week. The consignment would be distributed to institutions such as schools, higher learning institutions, prisons, hospitals and orphanages.

When you goof, you simply should bite the bullet and duck. But not to be outdone John Pombe started thinking with his mouth, instead of his head. He said the institutions will not be allowed to sell the fish!

Aw, c’mon John! How do you ‘supervise’ a corporal from say, Magereza, from picking up the fish from Mwenge and dropping half the loot at the Ferry Fish market?

Forgery is a fine art in Tanzania. The Bank of Tanzania (BoT) was cleaned up (EPA) by crude forgers in collusion with BoT officials. Now what stops John Pombe’s ministry officials from not ‘going to work’ on the fish deal?

During elections 10,000 voters all of a sudden turn to 20,000, all of whom swear that they love the CCM. What stops a driver from the Chuo Kikuu who has been told to pick 2 tonnes of tuna fish from the cold storage godowns from adding a zero and pick 20 tonnes? Will John and his cohorts be there to arrest him?

Worse, the minister says that Tanzanians shouldn’t worry about the huge bill to the taxpayer. “The public should not be worried over the cost over the cost of the impounded fish. We should be happy of victory against fishing pirates.” John Pombe has said placatorily.

But most of us are very uneasy about this. The cost of preservation of the consignment is $800 per tonne per month. By mid August, the government paid $1.184 million for the 296.32 tonnes for a five-month period. No offense meant, John, but some of us normal Tanzanians might pull out our calculators and start wondering what 10 per cent of $1.184 million is.

Chiligati Watanzania siyo mabwege!

Waziri wa Ardhi, Nyumba na Maendeleo ya Makazi, John Chiligati amesema kitendo cha Rais Jakaya Kikwete, kutoa ardhi kwa wawekezaji si kuiuza nchi badala yake ni kukuza uchumi kupitia kilimo.

Chiligati amesema kuwa kitendo hicho hakiwezi kuwa ni kuuza nchi, kwa sababu wawekezaji wanakodishwa mashamba na wala hawamilikishwi, hivyo wakiondoka hawaondoki nayo.

Si kweli hata kidogo na ninadhani Bwana Chiligati anajua hiyo ni danganya toto. Mimi naona Chiligati, ambaye ni mkuu wa propaganda wa CCM anacheza na msamiati.

Kukodishwa maelfu ya ardhi ya Tanzania kwa miaka 99 ni nini, kama siyo kuuza? Ikipita miaka hiyo, huo mkodisho utaendelea – kwa miaka mingine 99. Ni nini hiyo? Na WaTanzania ambao watakuwa vitukuu na vilembwe wa watawala wa leo, na ambao wengi wanaishi vijijini, wataenda wapi? Sidhani kama wote watakuwa mawaziri wa ardhi, nyumba na maendeleo ya makazi au marais.

Kwa mtu yeyote anayeifikiria na kuipenda nchi yetu, atagundua kuwa huu ni ubinafsi mbaya sana. Kwa nini tunafikiria kama kuku? Maana yake kuku anaangalia njaa yake pale pale.Akishiba basi umetoka hiyo. Kesho itajijua yenyewe.

Wakati wa uhuru, miaka arobaini na iliyopita, Tanganyika ilikuwa na wananchi 12 milioni. Leo tupo 45 milioni. Wamezidi watu 30 na, milioni. Tukianza kuuza ardhi (mimi naona ni uhaini tu) na baada ta miaka 99 utakuwa na watu 70 milioni. Je,utawaweka wapi? Nchi yetu itakuwa ni ya manamba tu? Na waTanzania hawatakubali hiyo – zitapigwa tu!

Ukiangalia historia kidogo watawala waliota, baada ya kuambiwa na wakoloni mambo-leo, kuwa bila Tanzania kubinafsisha viwanda vyetu hatuwezi kuendela. Tumebinafsisha, tena kwa bei chee, na sasa tumebaki tunang’aa macho.

Juisi za embe na mananasi ‘zinatengenezwa’ nchini Saudi Arabia. Watanzania hawawezi kusindika juisi hizo. Nguo nzuri za pamba inayolimwa Shinyanga ‘zinatengenezwa’ Dubai. Watanzania hawawezi kushona nguo za pamba. Matusi hayo kwa Tanzania Bwana Chiligati! Inaonekana kuwa Watanzania hatuwezi kufanya lo lote.

Sasa anasema, na hiyo ni sauti ya watawala wetu, kuwa nchi yetu bila kuwa na wawekezaji katika kilimo cha mashamba makubwa haiwezi kuendelea. Huu utumbo tutaendelea kusikia mpaka lini? Hizi fikira tegemezi za watawala wetu zitaendedea mpaka lini?

Kujidharau gani huko kwa watawala, na kudharau waTanzania wenzao kuwa hawawezi kulima mpunga na ngano. Mpunga ni mpunga na ngano ni ngano. Kuna watumwa wa kimawazo (inferiority complex) ambao wanafikiria kuwa waarabu au wakorea wakilima mpunga unakuwa mzuri kuliko ule unaolimwa na mmatumbi huko Ifakara. Mtu mweupe akisema, hata upumbavu gani, anasikilizwa sana na watumwa hao wanaowahusudu watu weupe.

Haya tusaidiane – tunapata maendeleo gani kutoa ardhi yetu kwa wakoloni ambao watawala wanawaita wawekezaji. Tunapata nini kutoka kwenye kashfa ya Loliondo. Eti shule moja na kiwanja cha ndege. Ni lini wamasai wa Loliondo waliiambia serikali kuwa wanataka kiwanja cha ndege?
Tuambiwe faida tanayoipata au tutakayo ipata kwa kinadi ardhi yetu. Jamani kama hamna la kufanya, basi kuleni maraha tu. Lakini ardhi yetu muiache. Kama mtu hana la kufanya basi akae anywe chai. Siyo lazima aanze kuota cha kufanya. Ardhi yetu muiache!

Hawa ni majizi tu!

Katika kumbukumbu ya mzee wetu, Mwalimu Nyerere, aliyetutoka miaka kumi iliyopita wengi wetu tumekuwa tukilaani hali tuliyonayo nchini, kwa kijanja sana. Karibu kila mtu anasema - Enzi za Mwalimu…

Kusema hicho wakati tukimkumbuka, imekuwa ni kama watoto waliobakizwa yatima. Lakini kikubwa zaidi ni kuwa tumewahi kuwa naye na sasa tunalaani tawala zilizofuata kwa kujifanya kumsifu na kumuenzi Mzee.

Sasa kama watu wakimuenzi marehemu baba yako na kutosema lolote kuhusu wewe mwenyewe, basi ujue wanakuponda kiungwana. Wengi wametumia nafasi hii kuponda yaliopo.

Nimewahi kuishi katika nchi jirani,Kenya, kwa miaka mitatu. Nimeona wenzetu wakisema ‘uzalendo’, wao wana maana binafsi. Ndugu zetu walipambana na wakoloni wa Kiingereza huku wakijifikiria wao binafsi. Wakina Lord Delamare na wakoloni wengine walivyong’olewa, waliokuwa wanajiita wazalendo waliingia kwenye utawala na kufanya madudu zaidi ya wakolini wenyewe.

Niliona shamba la aliyekuwa rais, Mzee jomo Kenyatta kati ya barabara ya Nairobi na Nakuru. Kulia ni shamba la Mzee na kushoto shamba la Binti yake, Margaret Kenyatta. Kwa kifupi tu – ni kufuru.

Na usiambiwe, kelele zote kutoka kwa jirani zetu ni hasa kwa sababu hawana ardhi. Ardhi yote imenyakuliwa na wajanja na watawala. Wananchi walio wengi wanakaa katika mageto, wao wanaita rizavu (native reserves) mijini.

Biashara zote kubwa zilikuwa na ni za familia na rafiki zake. Mpaka sasa imekubalika, au inaonekana hivyo. Majizi yamekubalika tangu walipopata uhuru.

Tanzania tuna mfano tofauti. Tulipata kiongozi na wenzake waliyeongoza nchi. Siyo kikundi cha watawala ambao wanafikiria kazi yao ni wizi.

Ukifananisha na yaliofuata utamfanya Mzee Nyerere awe ni mtakatifu. Ukifananisha na majambazi, kama Mobutu wa iliyokuwa Zaire (DRC), Omar Bongo (Gabon), Mugabe ambaye anaiga Kenya, utamuona Mzee Nyerere ni tofauti kabisa. Kwake nchi ilikuja namba moja. Uzalendo.

Mwalimu kaondoka na sasa tumebakia na unafiki wa kutisha. Eti, majitu yanauza nchi, na yanasema yanafuata maadili ya Mwalimu.

Huu unyang’anyi wa rasilmali za taifa zisiusishwe hata kidogo na hayati Mwalimu. Huu ubinafsishwaji na wizi wa viwanda vya umma uwekwe mbali kabisa na Mwalimu. Majambazi yameuza nchi na tuyaite hivyo hivyo – majambazi.

Mafisadi tuwaite hivyo hivyo – majizi, hakuna kuanza kuwapaka wanja watu wanaotia kichefu chefu. Hivi sasa dhamira ya kutumikia umma ni ndoto. Uongozi kwapu kwapu ndiyo unatamba.

Shukrani moja kwa Mwalimu ni kuwa alituachia kipimo cha maana ya uongozi. Kwa hiyo kila mwaka kumbu kumbu ya kututoka kwake uwe ni wa kuyazomea majizi na majambazi hayo.

Mambo yanayotokea sasa ya kuuza (wao wanaita lease) ardhi, kama wale machifu wa karne iliyopita yaandikwe vizuri kabisa. Machifu hao waliuza ardhi ya Tanganyika ili kupata shanga za wake zao, ulevi kama whiski, na kaniki. Majina ya machifu wa leo yaandikwe na kumulikwa vizuri ili wajukuu na vitukuu vyao wajue kuwa mababu zao walikuwa ni wahaini wakubwa wa nchi hii nzuri.
Nionavyo mimi katika ujambazi unaoendelea hivi sasa, Hayati Mwalimu Nyerere ataendelea kuwa mioyoni mwetu. Na kwa majambazi na majizi yanayoendelea ni kuwa wananchi wa Tanzania wana mfano wa kuwafananisha nao. Huu uovu hautaruhusiwa kuendelea milele. Mwalimu katutoka. Lakini Mwalimu bado anaishi!

Those randy regions!

According to a study, the people in Shinyanga, Tabora, Lindi and Morogoro Regions go at each other in sexual activities as if there is no tomorrow. A Tacaids official has told a seminar that in Shinyanga a man can enjoy the attentions of up to nine babes monthly!

Well, I don’t know if that kind of sexual athletics can actually be called ‘enjoyment’. Having heard how the guys in Shinyanga, Mwanza and the environs, that can be very hard work.

In dating game the youngsters of age gather and the young chicks of age are offered to chose the guy they fancy – ‘chagulaga’ they call it. Once the guy is chosen by his potential paramour, he has to do a Usein Bolt and chase the chick, through the bush.

This involves a touch of steeple-chase, long jumps, hop, step and jumps. He just has to race her to the ground and after some champion wrestling to win her favours. You could say that is foreplay, Nyamwezi and Sukuma style.

This means if you come from the coast and find yourself in Tabora or Shinyanga, you could end up dying of ‘uhanga’, as those cheeky varsity students call it. Coastal people are not exactly re-known for the art of wrestling.

Anyway, Tacaids does not have a problem with how people have their fun. What bothers them is that multi-partners cause the spread of the deadly killer disease - HIV/Aids.

So the advice is the guys in those regions should slow down, you know, bonk with discipline. If there is anything like that. So you just ask yourself, what could be the cause of the sexual overdrive in those regions?

Could be their diet. Ugali and yoghurt. But it can’t be that. We all eat ugali and some sour milk and other stuff. Maybe the guys add snake poison to stimulate their gonad glands.

Or, another reason could be the size of the ugali itself. To these guys, and the luos and the rest of them, size actually matters. I have seen brothers from those regions who disciplined a huge mound of ugali. They eat so much, you could see sweat running down noses. This could be the reason why the need nine chicks a month to keep them happy.

Some say it could be a deliberate move by, who else? – the government of the United Republic of Tanzania. They deliberately keep the citizens of those poor regions in the dark. No power and the present rationing doesn’t help a bit.

Now what do you do in downtown Nzega in Tabora region, after you have gone to do your ka-farm of maize? You come home, and after some chow, go for some local pombe. Once home, you can’t listen to the radio, of course no TV, no lights and you can’t read. You look at the wife and start thinking.

For those single men, after the pombe they hit the bush and the chagulaga game commences. It’s very romantic, full moon, on God’s open-air guest house. It’s amazing that, apart, from regrettable HIV/Aids deaths, there aren’t many incidents of snake bites, by venomous reptiles!

Welcome to Dark es Salaam!

The citizens of Dar, no Dark es Salaam, have been baying, and are still are, for blood. They want their electricity, yesterday, or else! Not me! Over the years I have learnt not to raise my blood pressure because government incompetence and goofing. It’s not news.

Having been born an incorrigible optimist I thank the Almighty for my ability to look at the silver lining, not the cloud. If there is a problem, I don’t get angry, I get smart.

Take one. My ka-chick and I have all those lovely candle-lit dinners, every evening. It’s unbelievably romantic. Thanks to the government of the United Republic of Tanzania. Two of my neighbors have asked me for the government’s baby making ministry’s address. They are expecting to multiply in their family. Babies are on the way as a result of the romantic nights.

Personally, I am expecting to get the vacant job of Tanesco managing director. I hear some 50 guys have already applied. I will be the 51st, and believe me, I will get the job.

Don’t give me the bull-crap of not being qualified. Actually I have been withholding my PhD in Electricity Shedding for ages. Waiting for the right moments to strike. Timing is extremely important in these matters. So enter Dr. Adam Lusekelo (PhD Electricity Shedding)

I know, having Richmond in mind, Bwana Mkubwa, Jack Mrisho himself, will understandably be very suspiciously asking what miracles I will perform as the new boss of the utility company.

This will be easy streets for me. I will tell Mkuu that I will order for 10,000 transformers – from India, of course. These will be generously distributed throughout the country. Major towns like Msata in the coast region will get 500 machines. That will solve the problem of oncoming El Nino rains.

I will advice ‘Mzee’ that if the rains do not rain with discipline, that is, at Mtera and all those strategic rain catching area, he will have to dispatch post-haste, the Premier Mizengo Pinda to go to Thailand and buy some, lest there is drought. It has been done before with former Premier Ted Lowassa.

I will tell Mkuu that I have in place those indefatigable Tanzanian businessmen who have been helping this thankful nation how to cut all those deals like the radar thing, the Iveco trucks, and now 50 billion tractor deal, which will quadruple our agriculture in just five years time.

Super nationalist, Jayantial ‘Jeetu’ Patel has won the tractor deal. I will respectfully suggest that another super nationalist, Tarik ‘Bulbul’ Singh Sohal, of Idodi, in Iringa, be awarded the 10,000 transformer import deal.
But that is not all. As Tanesco boss I will assume that Tanesco has been possessed by the devil. So will summon all the preacher men in town to come and exorcise the devils (pepo), every week.