Friday, July 31, 2009

Tanesco’s sums don’t add up!

I have never claimed to be a mathematician in my life. Just did a bit of arithmetic and other things when I was little while watching all those mathemagicians ‘solve’ problems on the blackboard at school. Algebra and geometry and other things were very successful at putting me on a long snooze in class.

But last week’s sums from Tanesco simply don’t add up – and I am not that thick. You spend $6 million dollars to spruce up a company house. Then you arrange to sell that house to yourself for $60,000. Does that sound remotely fair? It sounds mad to me. But it has happened in the United Republic of Tanzania where nobody gets outraged

Energy and Minerals minister, Bill Ngeleja has sworn in Parliament that he has been unaware that the utility boss, Tanzania Electric Supply Company (Tanesco) Managing Director, Idrisi Rashid has been sprucing up his residence for a paltry $6 million dollars – with the intention of buying it for a colossal sum of $60,000.

Bill swore that he heard the news for the first time in Parliament when Sumve MP, Ricky Ndassa (CCM) revealed the shocking facts that Tanesco spent the $140 million on repair of seven residences occupied by Tanesco directors. Presumably, after spending Tanesco monies to rebuild those houses they will be sold for a song to the bosses.
“These are shocking allegations. I was not aware of them. I was shocked when I heard them for the first time from the MP. I just cannot let them go like that.” Said Bill Ngeleja.

The MP, Ricky Ndassa said that the staggering expenditure was approved by the management without the knowledge of the board of directors (read: Bored of Directors). Now you instantly wonder why those board of directors are there in the first place. They are there to be ignored, I guess. And to give some guys some chow.

When contacted outside Parliament, the Tanesco boss shrugged off the MP’s allegations saying the matter was a Parliamentary affair.

Last year, Dr Rashid had said that Tanesco was facing serious financial problems and had failed to implement its strategic power development production and distribution projects.

The Tanesco boss told a workshop for MPs that the firm had been forced to increase tariffs to meet its objective to improve power supply. Tanesco needs $1.6 billion to improve power production and distribution infrastructure and systems.

It is not known what exactly has been improved in those houses which he now the bosses want to buy. Unconfirmed sources say it would definitely include jacuzzis, Olympic size swimming pools, in-house tennis court, bars and dozens of suites. The thing is are those capable of swimming in the first place? Of course the bars usually come in handy when impressing chicks. But can they swim?

Energy and Minerals minister, Bill Ngeleja has quickly adopted a pet tactic which is popular amongst Tanzanian politicians when they are caught snoozing in their offices. The government has formed a committee to investigate the scandal. If you are a student of Tanzanian affairs you immediately know that nothing tangible is going to come out of the probe team.Imetoka hiyo!
Ka-chick and the Afande in court

Last Wednesday the former police boss, Omar Mahita, was hauled before the courts by his former house help, Rehema Shabani. She claims that Mzee demanded more than household duties from her. You know, other more pleasurable, house duties.

Rehema claims as a result of their pleasurable and romantic encounter the two were blessed with a lovely baby boy. She even surrendered the photo of the kid to the press. I saw the photo. The boy looks like, well, a former inspector-general of the Tanzanian police, I once new.

But ignore that. Looks can be very deceptive. I once had a chick with a crush on me because she claimed that I looked like Eddie Murphy. I angrily reversed that and told her she might say that Eddie Murphy looked like me and, no, we are not related. Eddie Murphy Mwakang’ata? Adam Lusekelo Murphy? It just doesn’t sound right!

Anyway, back to former police boss, Omar Mahita. Trouble is Braza Mahita has allegedly refused to support the upbringing of the boy. He has also sworn that the kid is not his. So the case has landed in the courts.

Media hacks have been kicked out from attending the proceedings. Magistrate Suzan Kihawa who has taken the case from Ms Ngwawasya has barred the press and ordered that it be heard in camera. So she ordered hacks to booted out.

This border on the ludicrous. Why kick the media out? Because it evolves around the alleged indescresssions of a former police chief? The case is not about police chief bonking their house girls here. A lot of ‘honorable’ guys have for ages been seeking solace in house helps.

I mean, they are women! I know it can be humiliating to start pawing a girl from the hinterland who a couple of months ago, came with serious acne and was as mshamba as they come. She would put your pair of shoes in the fridge and place your ice-bucket in the wardrobe.

Then, after decent nutrition offered by the family she turns into a beautiful African woman. Then she turns into a super seductress. After your visit to the watering hall, she comes and serves you dinner with wearing only one khanga.

The wife, who has been looking like a toad lately, is out to some seminar. And we know most men – when they drink, their minds go straight south of the border – to their crotches! Nine months later you get bouncy baby.

No man can adopt the moral high ground in that. Trouble comes with the upkeep. I know a judge who tried to dilly-dally with that department. The partner simply sneaked to the chambers and waited for the Bwana Mkubwa to come out of court, with his fancy robes and circumstance.

Then she ran to him, dumped the baby into his arms and ran off. Some woman, you would say! He stood there, looking very awkward, with baby on his arms.

Anyway with the latest technology I don’t see any problem. Why doesn’t the magistrate order Braza Mahita and his former house help, Rehema Shabani, to submit to a DNA test? That will save the courts from wasting the republic’s time.That way we will know for sure if the afande is going to pay the bills or not.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Designer colonialism in the works?

Our is a free country, we are told. Got our independence from the Brits in 1961. Nice going it has been until now when I have noticed flashes of colonialism by other colonisers, wanting to steal the economic show in this land of ours. Designer colonialism!

Don‘t play the racist nonsense on me, because I think people of Asian origin are doing pretty fine in the re-colonisation process. They have got their hands firmly on the economy of Tanzania. They run the show. Most of the people of Bongo bitterly and loudly, resent this. But it all falls into deaf ears.

I once tried to be of ‘Asian origin’ Went to the Far East, ate plenty of pilipili. But that did not help. When I came back I asked for a loan from banks, hoping that a bit of Asia had brushed off me. I got a stiff ‘NO’. From Black Tanzanians banks demand for collateral. Things like your grand-mother’s grandmother who can write her resume in English!

All this and our politicians pretend to place agriculture on the top spot. How can you have heavy agriculture without empowering Black Tanzanians who live in Tanzania? It is just a big filthy joke!

If the government doesn’t want to do some thinking then some of us will. In every region you target Black Tanzanian clans who actually belong there. They will definitely have the land. Offer them loans to do heavy farming and monitor the results. If 60 per cent of them succeed, we are in business. They will immediately be role models of the next generation.

Right now, who is the role model for Tanzanian children? Shaileth Pragji Vithlani of the highly dubious radar, helicopter and other scandals repute?
Vithlani, who never attended the National Service in Tanzania, or elsewhere, has the distinction of equipping the Tanzanian military with everything short of soldiers. He put together military deals worth $250, with a lot of help from the Tanzanian government officials.

Maybe the country should give him a distinction as a super patriot. His main role is said to “sweeten” deals for key government functionaries. Says government official: “There is very little, if any, transparency in defense contracts because they are supposed to be matters of national national military secrets. This has provided perfect cover for corrupt practices.”

They are doing very fine, those guys of Asian origin. Right now the have reduced the Mikumi and the Selous game reserves to their personal abattoirs.

The Minister for Natural Resources and Tourism, Shamsa Mwangunga has told the Bunge that the two game reserves were leading in rampant poaching in the country courtesy to the, wait for it – “people of Asian origin”

Those types were busy hunting Africans to sell as slaves only 150 years ago. Now they are hunting everything which moves. “Poaching activities in Morogoro Region are common particularly with people of Asian origin. They are disturbing us. They are hunting everything.” xhe said.

She said the poachers have been arrested now and then, but they are released by the cops who are up to their necks in corruption. Most of the cases have ended up in melting in police hands. Of course the police chief, Saidi Mwema could rotate the entire police squad in Morogoro, but he is too busy with other, more pressing, duties.

It seems like we, Tanzanians think that we own this country. For sure our designer colonialists know that they do!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Stop the uncouth behavior in Zenj!

Zanzibaris have always prided themselves with civilized behavior spawned over centuries in a fusion of cultures where Africa met Arabia, Persia, the Far East and the rest of the word. It presently has its lawmakers, the august House of Reps to runs things in the Isles.

But what has been rapped at the House of Raps, sorry reps, a fortnight ago is anything but ‘august’. It is far from inspiring respect. You start thinking of thuggery which has run riot from some politicians’ mouths. There definitely are guys calling themselves ‘Hon Reps’ who insist of thinking with their mouths, instead of thinking with their brains.

What of this business of some bankrupt politicians in the Isles calling the Mainlanders a bunch of daylight robbers? What is this business of rapping in the House of Reps that Mainlanders are colonialists?

Some of those Isles clowning politicians usually have nothing to say (There are also some in the Bunge in Dodoma) There is nothing dangerous like politicians bereft of something to say. Said the sages of yore: “A drowning man will clutch at a serpent, just to stay afloat.”

There are such psychological types in the House of Reps who are slowly, but surely, turning it into a House of Rappers. Just how do you look at a bunch of people insulting another sector of the populace as ‘colonialists’? The rappers in the House should know that insulting other people is not their preserve only. Mainlanders, too, can Tango. But you can not dignify such rubbish from the House of Reps by insulting them back.

The guys are so desperate for the attentions of the cameras and the media in general. They like to present themselves as saviors of the Isles. Unfortunately some people in Isles listen to such nonsense.

Unfortunately even the Union leaders have started to get tired of playing ‘nanny’ to the Union. Premier Mizengo is the latest chap who is tired of the persistent rubbish over union matters spewed by some Zanzibar ‘revolutionary’ leaders.

“One day if we find irreconcilable differences we may decide to break the union, but those who are forcing us to move into that direction should first think of the people who will be mostly affected.” he said.

Trouble is that those politicians, who are busy thinking with their mouths, do not think of those who will be affected with the break up of the Union. Those monsters are thinking only of their tummies (urojo). The moments Zenj stirs they will be the first ones to bolt and hide in Dar es Salaam.

A Zenj out of the union will be weaker and open to manipulation by their clique. You can easily count them with your one hand. What we are having here are potential power usurpers masquerading as nationalist. In a divided United Republic of Tanzania, they will rule!

Presently wags in both sides of the Union, have started speculating on who will lose in the unlikely event of a break-up? That is the easy one. Both sides!

Renowned academic, who is a guru in Union matters, Prof Issa Shivji has said the break-up of Tanzania would be a major setback for a continent aspiring for unity.

“With the break-up of Tanganyika and Zanzibar Union, every African is going to suffer. African unity is more important. We will not manage in the world affairs without unity.” He has warned.

He said there was no need for the two sides to exchange bitter words, as doing so would not solve the current problems; “We should not get emotional when discussing these issues. Leaders alone cannot solve these issues. Let the wananchi discuss it, too.” He has said.

Those critical of the Union and those demanding changes, Prof Shivji said, should never forget that “it’s the people who give legitimacy to the merger”.

Quite. One hopes that those political rappers in the Isles will hold their tongues for now - and start thinking intelligently and not fly off with their mouths!
Stink right under the president's nose!

You know how it is with dogs in the manger. When they are given food they eat voraciously, then take a nap. When another doggie approaches for some of the grub, the dog in the manger barks viciously and chases it away. Familiar, eh? Choyo is the Swahili word for it.

It goes that, I have eaten my fill, had enough, but you cannot have some of the chow. And I feel cool about such callous selfishness. Well there are such psychological types in the Ministry of Public Service Management in the Office of the President. Right under the Prez, Jack Mrisho’s nose!

When legions of our young fellows are desperate for school there are loads of free scholarships offered by a number of countries, which have long traditions of co-operation with Tanzania. The offers are gathering dust or are being used to wrap chapattis in the offices of the ministry.

The Indian government has offered 80 scholarships. The grateful Tanzania government is busy twiddling its thumbs and has ignored them.

The head of the Education Department at the Indian High Commission, Ms Gloria Paul, has said that of the 120 fully-sponsored scholarships only 42 had been filled. I frankly think someone should be thrown into jail for this blatant sabotage of our country. Right under the president’s nose!

“I am surprised that Tanzanians do not apply for such opportunities which are offered free of charge. The embassy provides free tickets to and from India, accommodation and other living expenses, but many Tanzanians do not want to take them up,” said Ms Paul.

Wrong Ms Paul. It’s not that Tanzanians do not want to take them up. It is just because of the dog-in-the-manger attitude in the ministry. I can’t go, so you can’t go!

Of course most scholarships are awarded to relatives and friends. And, there is no hiding this; most scholarships are actually sold to those with money. That has long been the tradition. But this time this is plain sabotage. Education is liberation. So of you block education for Tanzanian you are colonizing them mentally!

Ms Paul has said that lack of awareness and qualification may be a factor in the low qualification may be a factor in the low application for scholarships.

I don’t agree. There are dozens of very qualified young kids roaming around. Previously the courses were made available through the embassies responsible but the Tanzanian Government directed that all offers be channeled through the ministry.

Which has been a disaster! I wonder if the ministry should be there at all, in the first place. The ministry is being manned with such selfish guys devoid of an iota of patriotism. For heaven’s sake, take those kids to school. You guys sound like man-eating ogres! Uchoyo gani huooo-o-o-o?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Shida ya kupendwa kiasi hicho?

Nasikia wakina dada wanatumia madawa ya sumu ili kuongoza makalio na mahipsi (Bust up au Lift up cream) – eti ili wapapatikiwe na sisi wanaume. Sijapata kuona ujinga wa namna hiyo. Siyo tu ugonjwa, bali ni wenda wazimu Fulani.

Hii inakuja siku chache baada ya Mamlaka ya Chakula na Dawa (TFDA) kutoa athari zinazoweza kutokea kwa madada wanaotumia masumu hayo, ambayo yanaendelea kuuzwa na baadhai ya maduka hapa nchini.

TFDA imetangaza kwamba dawa hizo zina madhara kwa binandamu na kwamba zinasababisha saratani ya ngozi , magonjwa ya figo na hata magonjwa ya ubongo katika kipindi cha maisha ya mtumiaji.

Inasemakana watumiaji kwa sasa ni wasichana, hasa wanafunzi wa vyuo, sekondari na mabinti wa mitaani wenye tamaa ya kubadilisha maumbo kwa lengo la kuwavutia wanaume.

Inashangaza kweli. Hivi nani kawaambia hawa madada, wanaohaha kupata wanaume, kuwa wanaume wote wanapenda wanawake wenye mitako mikubwa kama nyumba na mihipsi inayoning’inia kwenye miili yao?

Kuna wengine wanapenda vipotable na kwa vyo vyote vile kila mtu ana kitu chake kinachomvutia kwa demu wake au fala lake (ndivyo wanaume wanavyoitwa).

Makalio? Mahipsi? Mimi inanikumbusha mzigo wa lori la tani kumi na kujaribu kuupakia kwenye gari la tani tatu na nusu. Utavunja springi!

Soko la wanaume ni kubwa sana. Kuna wengine wanaopapatikia hivi na wengine vile. Na kuna sisi tusiopapatikia wanawake wakubwa kama nyumba.

Lakini pia kuna wanaume wanaopenda wachumba wakubwa kama kasri. Wanawake nao ni vile vile katika kuvutiwa na wanaume – haidhuru wanaume wengi wanaapa kuwa hawitaji kunywa nasumu ili kuvutia wanawake. Wanasema kuvutio cha kwanza cha wanaume ni pochi yake tu.

Labda kweli. Kwa nini wanaume wanaitwa ATM au buzi au ‘mnene’? Sina uhakika. Lakini la kutisha ni kitendo cha mtu kunywa masumu na kuhatarisha maisha yake kwa ajili ya kupata wanaume! Wakina dada, hata mseme nini, nadhani mnawapa vichwa sana wanaume. Mpaka kufikia kutaka kujiua kwa makusudi mazima?

Kwa upande mwingine TFDA nao wanahitajiwa kulaaniwa vikali. Mbona kila siku tunaambiwa masumu hayo yanaingizwa nchini na kuuzwa wazi wazi katika baadhi ya maduka hapa nchini? Cha kushangaza ni kuwa sisi wananchi hatujaona hata siku moja waalifu hao waotawanya na kuuza madawa hao kuchukuliwa hatua za kusheria.

Vyombo vya dola vinasema kuwa vinawajua wahalifu waoshughulika na mihadharati na madawa ya sumu. Lakini hata siku moja hutasikia kuwa wamekamatwa watu wnaouza masumu hayo. Kuna nini?

Au ndiyo tabia yetu ya karibu kila sehemu nchini. Watawala wanavunga kuwa wanalifanyia kazi tatizo za rushwa nchini. Lakini tunazidi kunaona magendo na vitu haramu vikiingizwa nchini kinyume cha sheria. Wanaotenda makosa hayo hatuwaoni mahakamani hata siku moja!
The CCM is squeaky clean!

Aunt Anne Kilango the Same East Member of Parliament (CCM) has been seeing red in the Bunge about government sponsored criminals literary getting away with murder. She has said corruption in government was the root of the unabated poaching and smuggling of ivory from the country.

For the rest of us there was the usual sense of impotent helplessness when we heard that ivory worth $10 million has been intercepted in the Vietnamese port city of Hai Phong. The Ministry of Natural Resources and Tourism can talk till they foam in the mouth that they don’t know what is happening. I know they do.

The contingents of the two containers had what was exported as plastic waste. God knows when Tanzania had started exporting plastic wastes to as far away as Vietnam.

Government officials swear they don’t know a thing about the theft. Now after Anne Kilango’s outburst, suddenly the ministry officials are pretending to hunt for the culprits. A couple of very youngish guys have been broguth before the court. The ministry has always stunk to high heaven as part of the raping process of our country’s natural resources.

The Chinese and people from the Far East ‘investors’ seem to love to invest in poached and smuggled Tanzanian ivory. They also ‘invest’ in stealing timber and exotic woods from our country. Of course the government doesn’t know this. There is a large scale collusion, if you ask me.

More shocking is some ministry officials are involved in smuggling tonnes of elephant ivory worth millions of dollars. After Anne Kilango’s ‘pissed off’ speech in the Bunge, the Minister of Natural Resources and Tourism Shamsa Mwangunga hastily said that a parliamentary probe team to unearth the smuggling network is on the works. That is a tried and trusted way of sweeping things under the carpet, which Government officials excel at.

What Aunt Anne Kilango and her types in the Bunge should know is that, probe teams hardly work. You can count with your one hand the number of probe teams which have produced results. Most of the findings of probe teams have been ignored or are gathering dust in the equally dusty government offices. Nothing happens afterwards.

What our lawmakers should know is that Tanzanians are still treated to a culture of ‘crime and no punishment’. It is just a naked insult to Tanzanians for Ministry of Natural Resources officials to say they don’t know a thing about ‘plastic garbage’ worth $10 million plus smuggled to Vietnam. They should be sacked ‘en masse’. Is the ministry being run by the Chinese? If that is so, then we need a Mr. Wang to run it.

Aunt Anne Kilango also let loose another bombshell. She said the guy leading this theft is a CCM big wig. She said she knows the name of the guy and she is going to expose him. Welcome the next story – CCM vs. CCM!

But some of us always remember the words of CCM Secretary-General, Joe Makamba (don’t laugh). Joe told Tanzanians there might be members of the ruling CCM party who are quite rotten – EPA. Tangold, Meremeta, and all the rot we have been hearing over the past three years. But it does not mean that the majority of the CCM are all rotten. The party itself is squeaky clean, he said. Again, dear reader, don’t laugh. It could be painful to your ribs!


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Time to retire, Mzee Kingunge

Veteran politician, Mzee Kingunge Ngombale-Mwiru on Wednesday urged the Roman Catholic Church to withdraw a pastoral document giving its members with guidelines on electing political leaders.

Why? He said the document, authored by the Catholic Professionals of Tanzania and the Episcopal Conference’s Justice and Peace Commission was “divisive” and could spark “unnecessary chaos”.

It’s now getting to be very common, this scare-mongering from politicians who have nothing to say. They sound like the latest mushrooming ‘churches’ who want to win converts by scaring their poor, ignorant flock with endless sermons of devils, witchcraft, genies and other nonsense. You will hardly hear the preachings and the goodness of Christ!

So, politically, Mzee Kingunge is busy scare-mongering. When Tanzania was about to go multi-party it was none-other than Mzee Kingunge who was busy scaring us that a multi-party system would reduce Tanzania into blood bath. This was just when Tanzanians were recoiling from the horrors of the Rwanda genocide. We ignored him and presently Bongo is having a multi-party system. A bit shaky, but we have one.

Now he is into his pet project of scare-mongering again. This time he is talking about “religious differences” Mzee Kingunge has dangled the horrors of Lebanon where they had a 15-year religious strife in the 1970. He forgot to say that the strife also had something to do with class and ethnicity.

The Churches are seeking to influence on how to question prospective holders of political office before the 2010 general elections. What’s wrong with that?

Part of the Churches document says the country is experiencing “serious leadership problems” and calls on Catholics to participate in the forthcoming elections to choose ‘good leaders”. Again, what is wrong with that?

I thought the entire United Republic of Tanzania wants decent leaders and not a bunch of fakes masquerading as leaders. Of course most of them are just rulers imposed on us..

We know that there is a problem of most rulers especially in their credibility to do the job. We want all top leaders to be vetted by Parliament on if they can really deliver. It’s boring and unfair to see a bunch of ‘washikaji’ run the country. We want a meritocracy. We want the people to choose their representatives, including independent reps, to their parliament.

The fact is a great, capable guy or lady, who can deliver is just that. No bum will ask about his religion or his ethnicity, at least not in Tanzania. But most politicians always fail resist the devilish temptation of introducing religion. If you let them, then they graduate to the other evil-ethnicity.

I remember that the late Father of the Nation, Mwalimu Nyerere always warned us against these evils. He told us that once you hear someone peddling religion or tribe in their political campaigns, then run!

I have lived in a neighboring country for a couple of years, where to get a partner of your liking, your religion and tribe matters. It is ridiculous but true. Why should some people fear a call to elect decent guys in office? That is simply civic education which has been around for ages.

One would think that all Tanzanians, of different religious and ethnic divide should seek to question those claiming for political leadership. People should know the real people who want to serve and vote for them. People should also know the political con-men and kick them out. What’s wrong with that?
Maybe Mzee Kingunge Ngombale-Mwiru would like to concentrate on pinching his grand-children cheeks and go fishing with them. It could that he still thinks Tanzania is a one party country!
Killed for NOT smoking ganja!

The cops in the Kyela town in Mbeya Region have allegedly bludgeoned to death one Lucas Mwaipopo. His crime? He was not smoking ganja like his mates, who had run away from the scene. Now the police are saying that the late Lucas died of malaria of the head.

Youths in Kyela went ballistic and caused mayhem in the town. This blatant case of police brutality is second to the one which happened only a month ago in the nearby border town of Tunduma. Police gunned down a ‘bandit’ called Frank Mwachembe who was suspected for armed robbery.

Now the police in Dar are accused over the death of one Tuga Rashid who died in “suspicious circumstances” in police hands after he was arrested from his home in the city on Tuesday.

This time police boss, Saidi Mwema has appointed a seven-member team to investigate the killing of a man whose family members allege was tortured to death after being picked up from his home.

The Kyela cops have made laughable reasons for the death of Lucas Mwaipopo. That he was caught with some joints of ganja. Then he was peacefully escorted to the police station. There he started feeling sick and vomited. The good cops released him to his relatives who took him to the hospital where he subsequently died. Which is a load of bull, of course.

How can a man who has malaria be busy be indulging in smoking ganja? We all know what a bout of malaria is. Was Lucas Mwaipopo a superman with malaria who had the strength to blow weed at the same time?

. Then cops are usually very economical with the truth when they goof. They usually excel in such deeds, with blatant lies. After all, there is an old adage for the cops to hide behind – dead men tell no tales.

We still remember when a police officer (who is now in the lam) swore that innocent precious mineral businessmen from Kilosa, who were murdered by the cops, were actually armed robbers.

They subsequently claimed that the poor fellows actually charged the police who had no alternative except to gun them down. The businessmen’s corpses were found to have gunshot wounds at the back of their heads – execution style. Courtesy to the cops.

When challenged by a three man police patrol in Kyela Lucas Mwaipopo did not run away. His conscience was clear since he did not indulge in smoking ganja. He paid for that with his life when the three-man patrol descended on him and clubbed him to death. Or, died of malaria of the head, as the cops claim.

The cops could go for a different reason. That Lucas subdued the three policemen, grabbed their truncheons and hit himself on the head until he died. Just what is happening?

I wonder what yarn the police are presently spinning for the public this time. They could say the unfortunate young fellow was armed to the teeth, so they clubbed him to death.

Or the cops could lie that Lucal Mwaipopo was threatening national security, nchi itayumba and Tanzania could face a bloodbath if Lucas continued to hang out with his buddies who are ganja smokers.

It’s just ridiculous. When all other sober countries are thinking of de-criminalising the smoking of ganja, Bongo is killing people just for the mere suspicion of smoking pot.

The police should simply stop behaving like a bunch of Neanderthal men by going round killing people arbitrarily. Even Neanderthals had their rules. You don’t just go around killing people.

Police boss, Saidi Mwema, has called for justice and the rule of law. But do the cops know the meaning of the word ‘police’?
Aid with strings attached

Over the years we have been hearing our politicians let off some hot air that Tanzania will only accept aid without strings attached. It was good for the media, but hardly practical. If you believe that then you will believe that the Roman ruler, Julius Caesar was born in Yombo Kijichi!

Aid has always been coming to our country with steel wire strings attached. The so-called aid is mostly here to provide employment and cushion the unemployment statistics of the aid giver. I have seen electricians from all those ‘developed countries’ come to teach us how to fix electric bulbs and impart all those ‘skills’ to the locals.

They are called expats and live the lives of kings and queens here. I see only the African mind being infected with even more sense of inferiority complex. Mzungu is always rich, riding shangingis, having a dozen servants and some other lies they present to us here.

But in a way they stimulate the local CD industry trade. Some expats have even build houses, or some semblance of that for their local chicks. And the local chicks hold tight once they get their mzungu .

Whatever his drunken idiosyncrasies here, he is also looked by local chicks like an air ticket for a trip to ‘majuu.’ The visit by expats to African countries could easily pass as a sex tourism paid for by their governments.

Personally I am dead against the idea of being given aid by some rich countries. So when I heard that the Dutch will stop giving aid to Bongo, I was not exactly offended. It is a blessing in disguise.

Why? You see I always insist that Tanzania should stop having this totally ridiculous idea that there are people out there who love us and are willing jump into bed with us - fasta.

That ‘aid’ goes straight into the pockets of the local mafia. This cushions our local political mafia from facing embarrassing questions like – where does the tax-payers money go? How do EPA and Richmond and Meremeta and Tangold happen while our rulers swear that our country is poor?

Aid money is used to cover those cracks. If there was no aid money we definitely would be at each other’s throats and we would demand a credible explanation for such impunity and abuse.

I can boldly say that Tanzania is at the process of being gang-raped by the international mafia – in the name of welcoming ‘investors’. I can also boldly say that this is with the collusion of the local political mafia.

Now the Dutch government is said to be infuriated by the ‘mistreatment’ of a Dutch businessman. See what I am talking about? Every Dutchman in Bongo becomes an untouchable. Special guys. Who else? The Brits, surely. And Barrack O’s guys.

The Finance Minister, Mustapha Mkulo and the Dutch Development Minister, Bert Koenders have been cagey about what really has been happening and which Dutch business prince has been mistreated by those ungrateful Tanzanians. But I thank them, anyway.

Mr. Koenders is said to have said; “Enough is enough” to the goings-on in the government. What could it mean? Enough is enough demands for hefty bribes from government officials?

Let lose the Tanzanian imagination. The Dutch business VIP would have asked to own the entire Tanga region for the Mkumbara furniture project and could have offered a $1 million bribe to government mandarins. Don’t wince – They all do. BAE offered bribes to government officials to buy a radar system at twice the price.

In Tanga the government officers could have said they wanted more – say, $10 million. The pissed off Dutchmen could have said: “Enough is enough, you greedy Tanzanians! Why sell your country for so much?”
No? If not, then what? The Dutch are relatively honest guys. Why not tell us what really happened?
Wasiotaja mali watavuliwa ubunge?

Sidhani kama kuna kiongozi yo yote amewahi kutaja mali alizokuwa nazo na madeni yake. Yanakuwa mavungo tu. Labda hayati Mwalimu Nyerere.

Kwanza tangu uhuru hakuna kiongozi yo yote ambaye ameulizwa kuwa imekuwaje ghafla amekuwa tajiri. Siyo tabia na utamaduni wa Bongo. Mara nyingi ni wizi tu, lakini utamaduni wetu ni kuwa sisi tunasifu wezi.

Mimi nadhani hata hizi shuku za ufisadi wa hali ya juu uliofanyika. Haya yatakwisha hivi hivi. Wakuu wanafikiria mambo haya yatasahaulika na tutaendelea na porojo kibao. We anzisha tume fulani halafu wakileta uchunguzi wao, weka hilo faili kabatini. Imetoka hiyo!

Lakini upo mwisho wake juu ya kuwa.Watanzania tunaonekana siyo wachovu wa porojo. Sasa naona Spika wa Bunge Samwel Sitta amewatahadharisha wabunge kuwa mwaka huu atakuwa mkali na kuwachukulia hatua za kisheria watakaochelewesha kujaza na kurejesha fomu za kutaja mali na madeni yao.

Mimi binafsi siamini. Tangu uhuru, nani kachukuliwa hatua za kisheria kutajirika ghafla baada ya kupata utajiri wa ghafla?Kuna jambo la kuoneana aibu kwa uongozi katika awamu zote tangu tuanze kujitawala – au tangu kuanza kwa ukoloni mamboleo ambao tunao sasa.

Katika awamu ya kwanza wezi wa kutumia ofisi zao walikuwa wanajificha nyuma ya ndugu zao. Ulikuwa unaona ofisa anaendesha kagari feki kweli, lakini ni milionea, tena mzito.

Hivi leo kwa nini wabunge wasifanye hivyo hivyo? Tunajua Bunge letu limenunuliwa na wenye fedha. Sasa wanaanza kujiandika kazi katika nyadhifa mbali mbali za serikali kusudi kuvuna faida ya ya mtaji walioweka.

Kwani kuna kazi gani kuanzisha kampuni na kuandika majina ya wakurugenzi kama ifuatavyo; Mkurugenzi mkuu- Adam Lusekelo. Wajumbe wa bodi ni Lusekelo Adam, Njinja Maloni, Asumani Mwanjotile, Mama Chale na Bi Chiku ambao wote ma-besti wangu?

Unampelekea hiyo fomu bwana Spika naye ataridhika na kusema kuwa bwana Lusekelo ametaja mali alizokuwa nazo! Masiala hayo! Naona wangetumia karatasi za fomu hizo kwa manufaa zaidi – kama kuwapa waheshimiwa wa mahakama kuandikia. Nasikia mahakama zingine hazina karatasi za kuandikia.

Tutake tusitake, baado utamaduni tuliojenga ni wa kusifu wanyang’anyi wasiokua na silaha, wenye kuvaa suti na kuendesha magari ya fahari, na wenye ku-rap katika kila kumbi kuwa nchi yetu ni masikini.
Kuna njemba moja (Mkurugenzi wa Kampuni ya umma) aliambiwa ataje mali zake na washiriki wake katika kampuni hiyo. Basi alitia jina la mke wake, na wakurugenzi wanne, ambao baadaye ilijulikana kuwa ni watoto wake. Mkurungenzi wa mwisho alikuwa baado anavaa nepi! Bwana Spika ana kazi
Conjugal visits in lupango considered

I gather that the Registrar of the Arusha-based International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda has given the green light that allows detainees to practice their conjugal rights during the time of their detention.

Now I wonder if the guys want to turn the prison into a bonking boudoir. The tribunal is for prisoners who are accused with heinous crimes committed a decade ago in Rwanda. Or the Registrar just wants to be funny?

Okay, I know that the two tribes – men and women need each other. As the Russian writer Anton Chekov said a century ago: “Women, without men, pine” They get, sickly and complain all the time. At school we used to say they were suffering from a disease called ‘uhanga’ or shortly, we called them ‘hungarians’. Nasty disease, that.

Chekov also observed something about men. He said “Men, without women, become stupid!” Which is very true? A man suffering from ‘uhanga’ can be very irritating, stupid and petty.

As a man I can understand this. There are some guys who find it hell to seduce women. The ‘my car this, my house that, my father is this, my PhD that and my off-shore account that…’ Those type of fellows. They are the great bores of today.

But we are not dealing with normal men here. We are dealing with guys who have been accused of unspeakable crimes against their fellow human being. The last thing a guy would want is to hear the murderous punk groaning with delight while at it with his chick in his prison cell!

Besides, the Registrar might cause a serious riot at the prison. How will the other prisoners, suffering from acute uhanga, take it? Okay, Bwana or Bibi Registrar might be allowed to bonk in prison. But it is very distressing to hear guys going at it in the next room, while you yourself are a ‘hangarian.’

And there are cheeky guys among both men and women. In the middle of passion the woman could start crying out that he is ‘killing’ her with love. The man could start groaning like a hungry lion that has just killed a zebra. Which fellow prisoner will tolerate that? They will simply pull the prison down!

What next? Gourmet meals for the prisoners of the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda? I am asking that because I hear the prisoners can e-mail from jail.

I hope that is not true. Because if is true then I will apply to go and live in that ‘prison’. With the internet I can file my pieces from jail, my chick can visit me once a week, and I can order good food and wine from jail. All of it paid for by the UN. What more can a man want?

Some of those prisoners from Rwanda are filthy rich. Subsequently an ATM machine placed in prison will only make sense. That, plus a small mini-supermarket.

What I was itching to ask UN authorities is – is the UN going to enforce the use of condoms or will the world body allow prisoners to make babies while in prison?
Run! It's a guard guard lion!

A shop-keeper in Moshi Town, on the foothills of Mt Kilimanjaro, recently decided that he had have enough from the thieves who were constantly raiding his business. So, in a brilliant move at counter-measures, he decided to shave his doggie to look like a fierce lion. When thieves raided his place, and saw the animal, they fled in complete panic.Reports say that the shop-keeper has since
experinenced quiet, and serene nights.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Rat curry and rice, please!

On Tuesday, 7th July we witnessed the peak of the Saba Saba festivities. I never go to the Dar es Salaam International Trade Fair, these days. I regard that as fun for kids or masochists – guys who like pain. Or guys who want to flog off junk, mostly plastics. That is in the midst of a now common dust wave you get there. And the noise. The place is so loud you couldn’t hear a jet plane land there.

The venue was called ‘Saba Saba Grounds’ when we were little. It was hell, but we thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. Dust, greasy chips and iced-cream, if you had the money. Then, if you had to wee you just found a corner and let loose. If you had to do the big jobs then you had to run to school. My school was nearby.

Today I can’t find a corner to do a wee, it will cause a small riot. For a middle-aged man to be found ‘watering the gardens’ at the DITF, it is simply unacceptable.

But I visited the place anyway toilets or not. Dust wave or not. Parking or not. Why? You see I am about to go into animal husbandry. I plan to raise some delicacies in the form of some rodents to grace my patch of land.

You see the Sokoine University of Agriculture (SUA) in Moro town has started a new project to raise giant rodents as a new source of protein for consumption in the country.

I have already registered my business to be called ‘Rat Inn’ which will serve culinary delights done in different styles of cooking in the world. I hear the rat, locally called Ndezi, can tickle many a palate in Tanzania.

SUA officials have said the Ndezi is so cheap to raise. You just get a male rat and his chick, put them in a box and forget about them for three months. You might find a battalion of Ndezis waiting for you - ready to eat.

Another good thing about the Ndezi is that they don’t have boring things, like family planning, in their programmes. They just eat grass and go for each other like there is no tomorrow. After a year I will be ready to launch the Rat Inn.

A sampling of the menu at the Rat Inn; Succulent pieces of protein rich steaks marinated in tamarind sauce and Mbeya fries.

OR, I could go Indian. How about Tandoori rat steaks grilled on hot coals served with garlic naan. That will be an Indian delight. Or, rat kebab sizzling in makhanwala sauce. How about – tikka rat mushkaki and some chapati? Or kadai rat steaks served with Kyela fried rice. These should appropriately be served with dry red wine.

Or, my place could do Chinese. How about sweet and sour rat legs in soy sauce and noodles. Or rat’s whiskers in dong-feng sauce for a stater.

Local dishes will be something like, Ugali na ndezi wa kupaka (coconut milk sauce) washed down with chilled Tanzanian beer. You warn your clients that they have to wait a few minutes for the Ugali to be done.

But if you are in a hurry you could get a quick Rat Pizza and a milk shake to tickle the stomach. I definitely will get in touch with the ‘rat pack’ fellows from SUA, sometimes next week. People have been yawning with hunger while there is an abundant supply of protein delicacies just around the corner. That is just scandalous! Everyone will be welcomed to the Rat Inn!

It will be a gender sensitive set-up. Men will be served with male rats while chicks will be offered female rats. This will be in line with the country’s policy of equality for all sexes.
Government on the dock

My spies tell me that the government has been placed on the dock and asked to explain the obvious collusion between the waheshimiwa and the country’s grand corruption.

I hear some 50 non-governmental organizations, under the umbrella of the Feminists Activists Coalition (FemAct), have met to deliberate on recent corruption outrages committed with the tacit nod of the government, they claim. Later they released a hard hitting statement which my spooks on-passed to me.

They were openly outraged; “Stories of syndicated grand corruption in the country are horrifying, and force us to draw the conclusion that the Tanzanian state has been hijacked!” The NGOs claim that the state has been bought wholesale and is dancing to the tunes of a few powerful moguls working as one in a powerful corruption network and syndicate to the detriment of the majority of Tanzanians.

“FemAct recognizes syndicated and grand corruption as all private gain-motivated abuse of public office, plunder of public property and lying in the name of ‘nationalisation’, corruption in the electoral processing, lack of transparency in public contraction processes, (meaning public procurement, public investment, privatization), budget execution without consideration of national priorities, discriminatory enforcement of laws and regulations and disobedience of public leadership ethics.” the hard hitting statement said.

FemAct demanded that government immediately and without excuse to prosecute all persons suspected all persons suspected of grand corruption cases and dismantle their corruption networks.

The held the government responsible to implement wholly the Parliamentary resolution on Richmond and provide credible a public restatement on all grand corruption scandals currently in public debate.

FemAct also demanded that the government disclose all existing investment contracts for public access and scrutiny and ensure state function enforcement organs especially the cops, The Directorate public prosecution, the Prevention and Combating of Corruption Bureau (PCCB) and the National Security (intelligent services) conduct their respective business in an accountable manner under strict adherence to professional ethics and expected competences.

The NGOs sounded genuinely angry. But will the government listen to such demands? Few believe it will. So far it has displayed a thick skin and pooh poohed the countrywide protests.

Most analysts expressed strong doubts if the government will listen this time.. “These guys are amazing. They are busy fiddling while Rome is burning. Either that is being tough or foolhardy.” One analyst sighed resignedly in the city recently.
Great bores of today

Last week, as always, I was sitting, minding my own business and watchig the world go by. I sat watching this budding new middle class which is fast developing in Bongo.

On my left was a fellow loudly talking about the virtue of his car. His vehicle was so-fast that it could hit Arusha town in northern Tanzania in two hours, he lied. Naturally, his listeners were nodding in agreement. Understandably so, the star was buying the booze.

If I was one of his listeners I would simply have asked him why should he risk life and limb attempting to zoom his way to Arusha when he could have flown there in half an hour.

Then the bore changed and started talking about his house. It had three bars, four sitting rooms, a TV room, 3 master bed-rooms. The guy kept droning on and on about his possessions. I chuckled under my breath and mentally asked him how many coffins had he amassed for himself.

The he announced, rather grandly, that his missus was coming to join them. Er, she had her own car, you see. After great deliberation, they had decided to have three cars. One for baba, one for mamaz and a sporting car for totos. Most amusing, I thought. Fisadi!

Then the wife walked into the restaurant, a sturdy chair was pulled for her by one of the grateful hangers-on. Maybe it’s in our culture that most African men like big bums on their women’s derriere.

One look at her ladyship and I decided that this was no ordinary big bum. This was a booster, a big booster. It could literally lift her body from planet earth straight to the geo-stationary orbit in space in no time. My imagination just went to the size of their bed. It certainly must have been a king-sized bed, for the man was not so small himself. But that was hardly my business.

What bothered me was when a couple came in with a baby. Junior was hardly 4 months old and the parents were exposing the cute thing to the elements in this open aired restaurant.

This was certainly wrong. The young couple wanted to be parents and beat-nicks at the same time. You simply are not allowed to raise babies in bars with guys guzzling booze and music blaring from speakers.

There is an old by-law which stipulates that kids under 18 are not allowed into bars. In Bongo almost all new-born babies are allowed to go and be tortured in bars!

Things really happen here. We are told that drunken driving is strictly forbidden. A joke, of course, since drunken driving is de rigueur in town. Watch how everyone who is anyone try to park their cars on vantage points near bars. The law usually shrugs offs and simply looks the other way.

Maybe we should make that a tourist attraction. Something like: ‘Welcome to Tanzania the land of Kilimanjaro, Zanzibar and drunken-driving. You may also mistreat your baby by going to booze with your bambino in noisy bars’

That will definitely attract all those wierdos from foreign lands to come and spend their green backs
in Bongo! Get drunk while changing nappies. Mungu ibariki

Chombezo la Adam Lusekelo

Alivyokuwa aki-rap kwenye mkutano wa CCM huko Dodoma, mwenyekiti wa chama aligusia vyombo vya habari. Siasa za kuchafuana zimeshamiri hapa nchini.

Pia alivilaumu baadhi ya vyombo vya habari kuwa vinatumia vibaya uhuru wa habari kwa sababu za kisiasa. Aliongeza kuwa , ipo minong’ono kuwa uhuru wa habari unatumika vibaya baada ya kuchukua kitu kidogo.

“Uhuru wa vyombo vya habari umekuwa ukitumika vibaya kwa baadhi ya vyombo vya habari kwa sababu ya kisiasa, kutompenda mtu. Kuna fununu kwamba vipo vyombo vya habari ambavyo hupewa kitu kidogo kufanya kazi hiyo. Hawa nawaomba wazingatie maadili ya kazi zao ili wautumie uhuru huo vizuri.” Ali-rap mwenyekiti huyo.

Sawa kabisa. Kazi yetu ya uandishi wa habari unazungumziwa sana, hasa na wanasiasa. Tunatakiwa tuandike ‘vizuri’, na tusichafulie watu majina. Tupambe. Ukisikia ‘tusichafulie watu’ ina maana ‘tusiwachafulie wanasiasa majina.

Mimi naona na sisi vyombo vya habari tuitwe Kizota, huko Dodoma. Tukafanyiwe semina kuelezwa tuandike nini hasa ambavyo vitawaonyesha ndugu zetu wanasiasa kuwa tunaandika ‘vizuri’?

Turudi nyuma kidogo tu. Wakati wa kampeni wa uchanguzi mkuu, wanasiasa waliwaandika kazi waandishi fulani wa habari, ili waripoti kila watakachofanya, isipokuwa labda kwenda chooni na wakiwa na hawara zao. Sisi wenyewe tunajuana sana.

Jobu hilo linafanywa hata leo. Na litazidi tukiingia katika uchaguzi mkuu wa mwaka kesho, Na nakubali kuwa kweli kuna baadhi yetu ni mazanga tu wanaotumia uandishi wa habari kujinadi kwa bwana ye yote atakayetoa vijisenti.

Mradi utumbo aliosema fulani utoke kwenye gazeti, TV, redio au sehemu zingine za vyombo vya habari. Mimi ninajua kuna watu wengine,hasa wanasiasa wanaopigia simu vyumba vya habari na kuuliza kwa nini utumbo waliosema siku kadhaa zilizopita hazikuchapishwa.

Lakini pia kuna mambo mengine hayakwepeki. Baado nchi inangoja kujua nini hasa kilitokea katika kashfa ya Richmond? Je mkataba wa Buzwagi kwenda kusainiwa Uingereza. Nini tena? Na mahela ya Benki Kuu je? Huko ni kuchafulia watu majina? Hii ni nchi yetu wote na siku hizi huwezi kujifanya unajificha. Watu watajua tu!

Kama mtu ana-swing na mke wa mwenzake tutajua tu. Huko siyo kuchafuliana majina. Kama kuna mchiki ambaye anajiuza ili apate feva fulani kiofisi au kisiasa, tutajua tu.

Kama kuna mtu mwizi kiofisi au kishirika itajulikana. Majitu wenyewe hayawezi hata kuficha hizo fedha walizoiba. Maana sisi hatuna utamaduni wa kuwa na fedha nyingi. Mtu aliyetoka kwenye kibanda cha nyasi akiiba vijifedha kidogo, utamuona tu.

Atataka kila mwanamke awe wake. Atataka magari mengi ya fahari. Atajenga jumba utafikiria yeye na mkewe wanataka kucheza tennis ndani ya jumba hilo

Mkuu amesema baadhi ya waandishi wamepewa kitu kidogo. Na ikigungulika kuwa baadhi ya wana siasa wamepewa makitu makubwa, kama mabilioni ya fedha, tukae kimya?

Waandishi na wanasiasa ni paka na panya. Hawawivi. Baadhi ya wana siasa wana mengi ya kuficha, pamoja na ufisadi. Kazi ya vyombo vya habari ni kifichua madhambi hayo na kuwaambia wananchi nchi yao inavyobakwa. Huko siyo kuchafulia watu majina.

Mwendawazimu akibaka kasichana ka miaka sita, tutasema. Na pia mwanasiasa akiibaka Jamhuri ya Muungano wa Tanzania na kuiibia mabilioni pia tutasema! Hatuwezi kukaa kimya, eti sababu kavaas suti. Situ ni vazi ambalo majambazi pia yanaweza kuvaa
My faza zis, my maza zat!

I hear some 17 kiddies belonging to big-shots have been given jobs at the BOT. Newsrags have been saying that some watoto kisukari have been getting jobs in high places.

That doesn’t bother me – the fact sugar kids have been getting plum jobs. Everyone, including the grand vegetables, wants to have their kiddies get plum jobs.

The thing is – can they deliver? I personally doubt it. This is a naked case of nepotism in high places. It means we are nurturing mediocrity.Their only qualifications is that they speak the English language with either an English accent or are pretending to be Americans, or something else.

But having been to majuu numerous times I have met countless bums who speak English.
What these guys who have been hired by the bank should be doing is to be receptionists, that’s all. Right now they have wormed their way into the BOT and other corporations. Soon they will be our decision makers in the central bank. That will be a mega disaster!

News rags claim that 17 kiddies of big veggies have been hired by the BOT. But that is simply not true. My spies tell me that there are much more than that. They simply drop the incriminating surname. So be very careful when you meet a chick calling herself ‘Nora Joseph’ Or a Pili Hamisi. We all have our African names like Lusekelo or Nalitolela.

But then, I could have an uncle who is some minister. So you simply drop the surname. But it lasts only for awhile. Sooner or later the truth comes out. The crony system is very much alive in Tanzania. Everyone is ‘son of’ (mtoto wa…), or brother-in-law of someone (shemeji wa,,)

They are flooded in the offices in Dar. I know quite a lot of them. Fakes. And they are very good at calling so-called for press-conferences. I call it self-promotion. I think the Tanzanian media should one day hold a media meet to talk on what is really news.

I know our trade has invaded by all those phonies. Kanjanjas. But now the phonies are invading the banks. They will go into our entire system and in sometime we will have to start asking ourselves a few questions.

You just cannot run a corporation loaded with the sons and daughter of big shots simply because they are their parents offspring. This habit will blow on our faces. It might temporality look cool a kid speaking nassly speaking English but, mark my words, it will one day explode!

Of, course if I was a boss of some corporation I will do exactly that – recruit sons and daughters of the big shots. This is just an easy way to compromise them. If you hire their sons and their daughters and steal big, who will say ‘fyoko’? Who will fire you from your job?
Spiki English priz!

Great! English is back. I always knew that we were making a mistake. The promotion of Kiswahili at the expense of English, I mean. Why couldn’t they be taught together?

I know guys had this anti-colonial feelings then. Eti if you talked in English you were showing off – which is nuts, of course. I went to my primary school and we were taught in both languages. Then the tinkerers came in. too much tinkering is bad for the nation.

Not that Kiswahili is bad. The language has helped forge this great nation of ours. In fact I am very proud of being a Kiswahili speaker. You go to other African countries and you find guys communicate in either English or French, not in Bongo.

Now it’s time we made citizens of the world. Lets teach in English, French and even Spanish. Mind you speaking English does not mean that you are smart. That you are intelligent.

I know a lot of stupidoes who speak English, just like I know a brilliant heads who speak Kiswahili. Some con-men speak Swangleis, which is a mixture of English and Kiswahili. MPs are very good at that when performing in the Bunge.

If you ask them to speak either Kiswahili or English only they cannot do that. They are bad at both languages.

Now Education and Vocational Training minister Jumanne ‘Jimmy’ Maghembe has said that the transformation to English medium teaching will take five years. Not enough books, additional teaching materials and sufficiently confident teachers, he said.

I have been having the joy of young Tanzanians mothers talking to their totos in English. They want to make up for lost time. You find a young mum asking her offspring: “Maxine, do you want a vanilla iced-cream or pistachio flavoured?” Even the name must sound very mzungu type. Maxine, not Sikujua or Sikuzani or Siyawezi. Those are not user-friendly. Even computers reject such names.

One understands. What we have now are English teachers who can’t speak English. They commit murder to the syntax: “I yamu to ze tawni going, priz.” Or something of that nature.

I saw examination paper of first year law students. I just wondered how he was admitted to the university. The thing was factually wrong and the guy simply did not know the English language.

In desperation he decided to communicate in Kiswahili. At the bottom of the paper he wrote: “Mwalimu nionee huruma, Kimombo kinanisumbua.” (Have mercy on me, I have a problem with my English)

The service industry, especially tourism sector, should also look closely into the language. I have heard our waiters whose English will make guys wince with pain. Overheard a waitress confronts a tourist: “Yes sah, what can I do you for?”
“I just want a beer. I don’t want to be done now.Yet!” answered the cheeky tourist.