Conjugal visits in lupango considered

I gather that the Registrar of the Arusha-based International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda has given the green light that allows detainees to practice their conjugal rights during the time of their detention.

Now I wonder if the guys want to turn the prison into a bonking boudoir. The tribunal is for prisoners who are accused with heinous crimes committed a decade ago in Rwanda. Or the Registrar just wants to be funny?

Okay, I know that the two tribes – men and women need each other. As the Russian writer Anton Chekov said a century ago: “Women, without men, pine” They get, sickly and complain all the time. At school we used to say they were suffering from a disease called ‘uhanga’ or shortly, we called them ‘hungarians’. Nasty disease, that.

Chekov also observed something about men. He said “Men, without women, become stupid!” Which is very true? A man suffering from ‘uhanga’ can be very irritating, stupid and petty.

As a man I can understand this. There are some guys who find it hell to seduce women. The ‘my car this, my house that, my father is this, my PhD that and my off-shore account that…’ Those type of fellows. They are the great bores of today.

But we are not dealing with normal men here. We are dealing with guys who have been accused of unspeakable crimes against their fellow human being. The last thing a guy would want is to hear the murderous punk groaning with delight while at it with his chick in his prison cell!

Besides, the Registrar might cause a serious riot at the prison. How will the other prisoners, suffering from acute uhanga, take it? Okay, Bwana or Bibi Registrar might be allowed to bonk in prison. But it is very distressing to hear guys going at it in the next room, while you yourself are a ‘hangarian.’

And there are cheeky guys among both men and women. In the middle of passion the woman could start crying out that he is ‘killing’ her with love. The man could start groaning like a hungry lion that has just killed a zebra. Which fellow prisoner will tolerate that? They will simply pull the prison down!

What next? Gourmet meals for the prisoners of the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda? I am asking that because I hear the prisoners can e-mail from jail.

I hope that is not true. Because if is true then I will apply to go and live in that ‘prison’. With the internet I can file my pieces from jail, my chick can visit me once a week, and I can order good food and wine from jail. All of it paid for by the UN. What more can a man want?

Some of those prisoners from Rwanda are filthy rich. Subsequently an ATM machine placed in prison will only make sense. That, plus a small mini-supermarket.

What I was itching to ask UN authorities is – is the UN going to enforce the use of condoms or will the world body allow prisoners to make babies while in prison?