Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Kula mkuyati

As horny as the Sultan of Zenj

No. It not my headline. I learnt it from music star, an African-American called George Benson. It was a lovely number. I am sure it still is.

Take two. Zenj. I love Zenj. The food, the guy and chicks and even the hypocrisy. They pretend a lot of stuff, even swear that there are no gays.

It doesn’t bother me. Humanoids are basically pretentious. We pretend to be what we are not. So when I was making my periodic sojourn to Zenj, I visited the Zanzibar museum.

I love history and I was amazed that one of the Sultans, Seyyed Said Bargash Bin Sultan had, believe it or not, a hundred wives! I read that stuff again and it said the guy had 100 chicks waiting for his works.

How did the guy do it? Then there were no viagra or scialis or erecto (super) tablets. You know the stuff the used today to pep up the works downstairs. He must have been using some strong local muti. I have heard of our local stuff – mkuyati. In Zimbabwe there is the famed vukavuka. I hear you and your partner will go for it like rabbits!

So how did the Sultan sustain a 100 wives? I looked at his bed in the museum and wondered how he did the job. Was there a secret gadget designed to help the bwana mkubwa in the works. The guy could have easily died of exhaustion.

In fact Zanzibar did not need to have a violent and bloody revolution. All the revolutionaries had to do was supply the sultan with more wives and the guy would have killed himself with chicks!

Did he make the wives queue for the fun? If this was the stuff then how could he rule? Because there was a saying that then: ‘If Zanzibar coughed, the Mainland caught a cold!’

But what if the sultan was always in different positions, with his wives. I mean how was he supposed to run Zanzibar? And there were no mobile phones then, when he could just ring the chick of the hour not to,er, grace the royal chamber!

Because if there were cellphones then the Sultan could always ring his prime minister and say “Oi, don’t call me. I am on the job with ten wives. Just tell the Brits to go to hell. If they want more negotiations give them Zenj chicks!”

But really, a 100 wives boggles the mind. Is it vanity or what? Mind you I hear that some of our ministers also have harems. They keep battalions of wives and try to multiply themselves as much as possible. No wonder the economy is is plummeting. The government is constantly in different positions. Mid you not in development policy, but in bed!

Good luck to them. What I will do is start a consultancy service. My shop will be selling viagra, scialis, vukavuka, mkuyati and erecto. Then I will be making friends with our modern-day sultans to bolster the population of the United Republic of Tanzania!

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