Government plans for a thought police

The government is thinking of clamping down on the budding Tanzania media. In a crude plan to weaken the independent media it has proposed changes in our country’s media policy.

In its draft policy, the Government proposes that media owners should be allowed to operate only one kind of media outlet: print or electronic, and not all of them simultaneously.

So the smart asses in government plan to force those having multi-media systems to sell their other companies and engage in only one. Mind you this has nothing to do with the sharing of profits in the media business. But it has a lot to do with control.

We all know that an idle mind usually ends up being a seat for the devil. You just wonder – where did this come from in 21 century Tanzania? I would have thought that the government should have been urging for more and more people to launch more and more media outlets.

I have been watching this ridiculous charade over the past few weeks and came to the conclusion that the proposed changes are aimed at one person only – IPP boss Reggie Mengi.

They want to weaken him as he has been getting too big for his boots. It bothers them that he has TV, radio and newspapers, which are actually read, his radio listened to and TV watched. So they want to clip his wings and leave Tanzanians with good old ‘His Master’s Voice’.

So government honchos have been sitting in air-conditioned offices, eating and drinking at tax-payers expense – and planning to fix one man! If that’s not it, then I don’t know the meaning of word ‘idlers’.

And –why now? Is it because he has been talking about those economic sharks? Is the government being pressured by the ‘untouchables’ to introduce what amounts to dictatorship in the country?

To the brilliant fellows in government offices, only the government should own TV, which is hardly watched save for Ze Original comedy. Only the government should have radios, which is hardly listened to and only our glorious government should have the newspapers, which are hardly read.

Which means the Tanzanians source of news, views, opinions, education and entertainment will come from the glorious government. They call it ‘public owned’. But we know that they are owned by a few powerful government bureaucrats and used for their own interests.

Those outlets are, mostly run by government-controlled bureaucrats. The ‘Bwana nina watoto!’ types who would never dare rock the boat by allowing different views. This is very sad indeed. They are trying to roll back the country into the 60s. No self-respecting Tanzanian will accept such nonsense.

What is the government doing in the media in the first place? It is known all over the word that governments are very economical with the truth (read: mostly liars). That governments always have something to hide. It is not an untruth that most people distrust their governments.

And now, the government wants to weaken the private media and have the monopoly of the outlets. That will clearly fail. The genie is already out of the bottle and there is no way that the media in Tanzania can be reigned in by some imagined policy dreamed up by some idlers in the ministry of information.

Times have changed guys. You simply can’t crudely gag the media today. They tried that in the once mighty Soviet Union and the underground press, the samizdat, thrived until the country turned into the Russian Federation.

People’s Republic of China tried to tell the Chinese what to read and what to write and what to watch on TV. It failed phenomenally. Dictatorial Burma (Mnyamar) is crudely trying to suppress the media. The reports presently being smuggled out are even better presented than before the clampdown.

I mean, you wonder. Our country has a lot of things to worry about. It is presently being looted and raped from all sides. Our people don’t have safe drinking water. The medicare is abysmal. And now we are hearing of famine in this resource rich country. Isn’t that enough to worry about?

Surely that is more than enough to keep heads in government very busy, instead of hearing some clowning idlers trying to institute a thought police in Tanzania. No right thinking Tanzanian will buy that!

1.5m Kenyan men thumped by their wives

This is definitely an EAC matter. After the common market talks going on it now emerges that the aggressive Kenyan men are usually being thumped dizzy by their wives.

A report a lobby group championing the rights of men has revealed that more than 1.5 million ‘nyayo’ men in Kenya were everyday victims of domestic violence. In cases of reversed roles, the men are made to cook, wash clothes, clean the house and utensils and baby-sit.

Wal-l-lahi, I don’t believe that. It just can’t happen to the macho Kenyan men. East Africans, at least Tanzanians are used to see Kenyans trying to ride rough shod over the rest of us. When Kenyan politicians (Kenyan men) felt that they could break the East African Community, that had to be so.

When they wanted it back. It also had to be so. They even planned to fast-track the marriage of East Africa and make Bongo Kenya’s southern region. When Tanzania demurred, the macho men of Kenya responded with threats and insults. Tough guys those Kenyan men.

But the report by the Maendeleo Ya Wanaume Organisation of Kenya has revealed that some of the husbands in Kenya were even raped by their wives and inflicted with bodily injuries besides being insulted. Ye-woo-mi!

While Kenyan men are talking tough in those EAC meetings they usually are cowed, hen-pecked guys at home. They also find it difficult to report to the authorities for fear of social ridicule. (Kafuliwa na mkewe!)

So, you might meet Mr. Ojwang in downtown Nairobi. “Say, Ojwang, that looks like a nasty black eye there. What happened?”

“I had a drink too many and was hit by the door.” Ojwang explains. So you give him a ‘pole sana’ although you quietly wonder how doors could be so accurate. Bang on the eye or the snout!

According to the survey, most of those affected were newly weds and those in old marriages. The research found out that men had little say on issues concerning conjugal rights because women were the ones who determined when and how they should make love. For example a Mr. Kinyanjui might find his wife’s ‘Day Order” on his pillow saying; “Ndaring. You are to work until 6 in the evening. Dinner will be served at 7.30. Conjugal proceedings will commence at 9 p.m. sharp and it will strictly be in the missionary position. No hard breathing! Your Ndaring wife. Nyambui”

The Kikuyu’s in Kenya cannot say ‘darling’. They say ‘ndaring’. Just like the Wahaya cannot say ‘ng’ombe’. They say ngombe. But that is another story.

Back to the research. The groups’ chairman, Ndiritu Njoka has said the victims of violence are physically abused in their bedrooms at night and kicked out of the house. The men ended up sleeping in the sitting rooms, bars and cars. Big deal!

The fellow men I have talked to in Dar think that it all has something to do with the wallet. If she is holding the wallet, then help you God. She will definitely ‘marry’ the man she wants and some men have no choice but submit to becoming kept men. That can be hell. And to be raped by one’s wife is also hell on earth. Although I find it hard to imagine a man being raped. You just cannot force the man’s hydraulic system to work!

You can’t lie to her that you have a head-ache, or a muscle pull down there. I pity those guys. The Tanzania Media Women Association (TAMWA) should check out (I am sure we have some) whether we have such relationships in Bongo and the extent of the terrifying story.

Mwanadamu na uroho

Nilikuwa naviangalia vitoto vinacheza, kitu ambacho nainjoi sana. Mtoto hana aibu. Kila kitu wanachokiona wanataka kiwe chake. “Hii yangu! Hii yangu. Gari yangu!”

Huo ndiyo utoto. Lakini baada ya kufikiria kidogo nikagundua kuwa utoto ndani yetu haututoki, hata tukikua kiumri. Bado utakuta watu wazima wanaendelea na ‘hii yangu!’ mpaka waende kwa aliyewaumba. Sasa unaiba mabilioni ili iwe nini?

Karibu kila siku utakuta magazeti yanalia kuhusu rushwa nchi yetu. Dini zote kubwa na ndogo zinazungumza kuhusu kiasi. Sisi Bongo hatuna kiasi-ni kunyang’anya kila kitu.

Nilivyokua ughaibuni nilisoma kuhusu kijana wa miaka 27 ayekuwa anauza maziwa. Yeye alipata bahati nasibu na kushinda pauni milioni 15 za kiingereza. Kwa leo pauni moja ni sawa na shilling 2,000 za Bongo. Fanya hesabu mwenyewe.

Waandishi walivyomuhoji kijana huyo alisema kuwa amegundua kuwa juu ya kuwa na mamilioni hayo bado anakunywa vikombe viwili tu vya chai asubuhi na slesi za tosti mbili na siku nyingine na yai moja la kuchemsha. “Huwezi kula sahani kumi za mlo kwa ajili wewe ni milionea.” Alisema.

Haya, sasa yeye alishinda. Hapa Bongo hakuna hiyo. Ni watu kuiba kwa kutumia ofisi za wananchi wa Tanzania. Na hawawekwi hatiani. Si ajabu wanapewa vyeo zaidi. Hawa mabraza baado wanafikiria wanaweza kula sahani ishirini za mloo kwa kikao kimoja.

Kumbuka ni utoto ule ule wa ‘hii yangu!’ Wewe utapanda magari mangapi. Unakuta njemba ina magari 12 katika ua wake. Unaikuta njemba ina nyumba tano Dar, tano Arusha, flati mbili London.

Lakini hata ufanye nini, utalala kwenye chumba kimoja tu, na kitanda kimoja. Utakuwa na mchiki mmoja kwa wakati mmoja. Najua kuna mtawala mmoja huko Africa Magharibi aliyechukua machiki wanne kwa wakati mmoja. Akameza na vidonge sita vya Viagra vimsaidie nguvu za kiume. Kesho yake alikutwa amekufa. Uroho huo!

Watu matajiri wenye fedha wamegundua ubaya wa uroho na kujilimbikizia marundo ya fedha. Bill Gates ametoa dola million 25 kusaidia mapambano dhidi ya gonjwa la malaria linaloua mamilioni kila mwaka. Marehemu Carnegie wa umarekani aliamuru utajiri wake utumike kuanzisha maktaba katika nchi zote zinazoendelea.

Na hao wamepata utajiri wao kwa halali, siyo kwa kuwaibia wananchi wao. Siyo kama majambazi wetu wasiokuwa na silaha na wanaovaa siti, wasiojua neno ‘kiasi’ “Hii yangu!”

Lakini Mwenyezi Mungu ana breki zake kiboko. Ameamua hata mtu uibe vipi akikuchukua utaenda peke yako. Yale mashangingi uliyoiba hapa hayatoshi kuingia katika kaburi lako. Ule mlima wa vitu uliliokuwa unakusanya wakati unawaibia wananchi hautoshi kaburini. Utaviacha vyote hapa hapa!

Mafirauni ambao walitawala Misri zamani za kale walijaribu kwenda navyo vitu peponi, pamoja na watumwa. Wao wameudedi miaka elfu tatu iliyopita. Itakuwa mafirauni wa leo?

Sasa leo tunawaangalia watu wanaofikiri wataishi milele. Inanikumbusha vile vitoto vinavyosema ‘Hii yangu!’ Ni uroho tu. Hawakui!

Cheating spouses–things to come

Technology is closing in on those cheating. First it was the mini-microphone. You could bug some room and hear exactly what is going on - the huffs and puffs of two consenting adults at the height of passion. Actually some people like to hear those noises. It turns them on.

Now technology is getting better. You can actually see couples going at it even for more than an hour. Some guys, in fact most guys, like porno. I don’t. Since I know that is not real. They are just faking it.

Porn a multi-billion dollar industry. We have a big industry in porn in Bongo. It’s capitals are called Kinondoni, Ilala and Sinza. The CD’s have decided to supplement their incomes with porn.

Can be used for political purposes as well. Malasian Heath Minister Chua Soi Lek was having fun with a chick in some hotel in Kuala Lumpur. Or so he thought.

But some cheeky guys had installed Close Circuit Television cameras in the room he was having fun with his chick (not his wife, of course). The cheeky guys then made numerous DVDs of the minister and his mistress showing each other their art of sex. One DVD was an hour long of sustained activity. One wonders if he used Viagra.

Before he knew it the DVD was shown on TV stations, and worse, the cheeky guys started circulating it all over the country. They also widely distributed it in Johor, his home state.

The minister admitted that the guy who was bonking with a chick was himself. “I am the man in the tape. The girl is a personal friend”

He apologised to the prime minister and his family. “Who did this is not important. What is most important is my wife and my children have accepted my apology.”

I don’t know about that. Thai women are famous for revenge. One caught her man seeing another woman. She waited for him to sleep and she promptly cut off his, you know, naughty part off and threw it in the toilet.

Fortunately the guy had a presence of mind amid terrible pain. He grabbed his shlong and rushed of to the hospital, where they successfully reattached it.

Another guy was doing the hanky-panky when his wife heard about it. He was not so fortunate. She waited for him to start snoring his head off after plying him with booze. She promptly cut it off and attached it to a big balloon which floated to the heavens. They never found it.

So I would advise that Malasian Heath Minister that though he says his wife has forgiven him –still he should sleep with one eye open. One never knows with wives!

Hail to Chadema!

The ruling CCM was on Monday declared winner of the by-election in Busanda Parliamentary Constituency. It got 29,242 while its main rival Chadema got 22,799.

Chadema supporters heard the news in disbelief after learning that they had lost. But party Secretary General Dr Wilbroad Slaa asked them to accept the defeat, saying that there was no foul play and ballot papers were tightly guarded during the process.

That was great maturity on Chadema’s part. It was a victory for democracy. One thing is clear, though, that Chadema has shown itself to be a party to reckon with. And Mzee CCM has shown itself just that – Mzee!

Why? Because during the campaigns Mzee CCM was showing a pitiful signs of battle fatigue. Sending wazee who did not have anything tangible to tell the wananchi. They responded by booing and heckling the CCM politicians. That, clearly, is the shape of things to come and much more.

Come 2010, CCM must have developed a very thick political skin to withstand attacking salvos from the opposition.

I mean, how did the Minister of Energy and Minerals, Bill Ngeleja think the wananchi would respond when he told them that if they elected CCM in Busanda, there will get power all round? (Danganya toto). Where was the party over the last 45 years for heaven’s sake!

Standing before the wananchi and telling them that there might be some thieving thugs in the party, but it doesn’t mean that the entire party is stinking, simply is a silly joke. Especially when there is not even evidence of the minutest efforts to cleanse it.

Though it has been trying hard to look impartial, the ruling establishment has always backed the CMM. That was bad enough. But when the CCM started fielding paid thugs in the name of ‘Green Guards’ some of us started to worry.

The ploy could have intimidated the people of Busanda, but I am not sure if the urban population will take that kind of bullying sitting down. And the ruling party has taken advantage of the lack of information which is being used by the political establishment to spread a bunch of half truths.

In thumbing their noses at the media, CCM officials told them that they can write, broadcast all they want, but their news will never reach Busanda. Why? Busanda does not have electricity so the voters will not be swayed by TV or radio and the newspapers can hardly reach the constituency.

A cheap shot, of course. So the absence of electricity is deliberate, eh? To keep the people in the dark, both physically and mentally. But can they keep the urban populations in the dark too?

Does Prez Kikwete like hamburgers?

The internet has been white hot with howls of revulsion, from Tanzanians protesting on Prez, Jack Mrisho’s latest trip to the US of A. Of course he was accompanied by a posse of 40 guys, who ate, drank and made merry on his name. Kiliofu!

The job of accompanying the prez, is becoming a very lucrative one, if you ask me. Some $300 dollars a day for each of the hangers-on and other assorted officials come to $12,000 a day. Multiply that with 8 days, then you get a hefty $94,000 splashed on this trip. Knowing how these trips work, I would easily write off $500,000 on this latest shopping trip.

The prez also met the world’s most powerful man, Barack O, got some award on health, shook Secretary of State, Hillary’ Clinton’s hand and spoke to Tanzanians in LA. Lucky geezers, those Tanzanians in the US of A. they have been the president’s audience every time (and not once or twice) the president visited the States. To the chagrin of Tanzanians in Tanzania.

Tanzanians at home are said to be green with envy. They can’t see him at home because the president is busy traveling. But now it’s getting increasingly clear that if the wananchi want to see their president they will have to travel to the US of A. This will be at their own expense and no $300 dollars a day will be given to them.

Those grumbling against our benevolent president say the medical award could easily and much less expensively have been picked up by the minister of health.

But, that idea is quickly shot down by the battalion sized delegation which accompanied him. Tanzania has benefited tremendously from the visit. The Prez was the first African ruler to have a sniff at Barack O’s after-shave. They also looked good in pictures. Our sources did not say whether they discussed hamburgers or Kentuky chicken.

It is said that the battalion sized entourage have just benefited handsomely when the prez went for a tour in Araby only a month ago. The grapevine in Dar says nearly all of them bought brand new cars and mountains of goods which were imported gratis. Kiliofu!

It’s a great job being part of the posse. If a guy is going to travel around for 20 days of every month, then that is great money. If you can import and flog off anything you want after buying it abroad, then long live the president!

Tanzanians in the net have been asking – just where does the money for the jet-setting life comes from? For the travels are getting to be an intolerable and expensive joke.

Or, maybe critics are getting it all wrong. Maybe it is okay for primary schools to go without toilets and books as long as there is money to finance the travels of the mkuu and his gravy train. Who knows?

Some critics have been cheeky. They say it’s about time to change and honour the president’s penchant for the US of A. Some have suggested that he be called Amerigo in honour of the man who discovered and charted the mapping of the USA – Amerigo Vespucci.

But the name President Amerigo Mrisho Kikwete, just doesn’t sound right! Some have called him Vasco Da Gama. Which again doesn’t sound right? Vasco Da Gama sailed from Portugal to India to look for spices. What is the Tanzanian president constantly looking for, in the USA? Maybe he likes hamburgers.

If that’s the case then Bongo ought to talk to McDonalds to produce Big-Macs in Tanzania. One kiosk will be stationed at Ikulu in Dar, another one in Dodoma, one in Msata where the prez is expected to retire, when he retires. Big Macs should also be freely available in the presidential jet. The prez, should also be asked if he likes Kentuky chicken.

Some observers have said that maybe the mkuu simply likes to fly. They have called him the ‘Aviator’. Which is also alright. We could ask Americans to build the Tanzanian equivalent of Air Force One.

A flying Ikulu which will be constantly flying the skies of Tanzania and maybe he could also institute a minor cabinet re-shuffle in which he would appoint himself minister of foreign affairs!

Anazungumzia Bongo nini?

Power is a duty
By John Kay

Simon Johnson’s comparison of corporate financiers with Russian oligarchs has justifiably attracted attention. Mr Johnson, a former chief economist at the International Monetary Fund, has written an article for the May issue of The Atlantic entitled “The Quiet Coup”. He exaggerates for effect. But his underlying point is important.
When a group becomes too rich and powerful, it can wield influence over politics and over commercial activities in which its members are not directly involved. The effect is to enhance that wealth and power. This process is likely to end in political and economic crisis. That was the history of royal courts across Europe, from Versailles to St Petersburg. More recently, it has been the experience of many developing countries and transitional economies. In the three decades since Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan inaugurated the market revolution, it appears that Britain and the US have joined their ranks.

There is no direct connection between the financial turmoil and political sleaze. Britain’s row over MPs’ expenses and America’s scandals over congressional lobbying have their own specific origins. Yet there is an indirect connection. Parliamentarians believe the taxpayer should pay for their widescreen televisions and gardeners. Senior executives award each other ever more generous remuneration packages. Bankers genuinely believe that the state should carry off their toxic assets while they continue with business and bonuses as before. All demonstrate an exaggerated sense of entitlement.
Dukes and cardinals, oligarchs and financiers, fixers and traders become very wealthy not by virtue of their talents but as a result of the position they occupy. Legislators and the heads of large corporations readily come to feel that their functions deserve similar recognition. We may be relaxed that some people do become filthy rich, but we should not be relaxed about how they become so or how they behave once they are.
Few people quibble about Bill Gates’ fortune, although they may occasionally think that $50bn is rather a lot. They see the evident benefits of the personal computer revolution that he helped to bring about. They can admire the essential decency that has led him to devote much of his time to finding charitable ways to spend his money. It is difficult to think about bond salesmen in the same way, as it was difficult to feel positive about the hangers-on at the court of Louis XVI.
We need to reassert the notion that roles of authority are positions of responsibility rather than declarations of personal merit and routes to personal enrichment. That notion goes with old-fashioned concepts of social obligation and public service. An insistence that power is a duty, not a prize, is probably the most important reason why some countries in the world are rich and others poor. The point needs to be brought home in equal measure to legislators, chief executives and bankers.
Historians would find much that is familiar in today’s developments. In Washington, the young, fresh King Obama finds his economic councils filled by representatives of the same interests who advised his predecessor so unwisely. At the Palace of Westminster, the failing, flailing King Gordon surrounds himself more tightly with his trusted advisers, venturing forth occasionally only to address his subjects from a safe distance by YouTube.
When crisis strikes, the powerful barons react initially by using their power to protect themselves from the worst of the storm. So the banks receive trillions in state aid. Only if the anger of the populace grows large enough, or the resources of the state are exhausted, does a counter-coup provoke change. Breaking the political power of the financial services industry will not happen easily. That power may survive this crisis – as it survived the last. When the New Economy bubble burst in 2000, enough money was pumped into the system to sustain the establishment and pacify the population. Minor courtiers were executed but the essential power structure remained. But, as Louis XVI learnt as the guillotine fell, the longer reform is delayed, the bloodier the revolution. And the more unsettled and chaotic would be the eventual outcome for us all

Ndiyo dunia hiyo?

The Daily Blah comes of age

I was reading our august government publication last Wednesday when I saw an unlikely front page story – a guy in Mbezi Beach had decided to be a chick. And as if that was not enough, the guy/ka-chick had attempted suicide because of love! He or she was having too much of it.

Oh, you hear quite a few stories about guys, mostly men, killing themselves or even killing their lovers because of love. Those are usually page 3 stories in most news rags. You love someone to death.

But in sober official papers you hear gut-wrenching stories like: ‘Tanzanians told to work hard! Or another ruler yelling that ‘Hard work is the only answer. Or yet another official saying: ‘Tanzanians told to tighten their belts’, while the ruler himself is wearing a mayenu style trouser, like some Congolese musician.

But last Wednesday things were different. It has emerged that a guy called Abdallah Aluu had gone to China some ten years ago, had a sex change operation and came back as aunt Victoria. This was totally unusual, to us in Bongo.

On the same front page was a picture of the prez Jack Mrisho himself, giving an on-the-spot advise to Tanzanian students studying at Stanford University in San Francisco, USA.

That picture of the prez giving an on-the-spot guidance was ideal. Front page material for our government-owned newspaper. But a lead story of guy, now ka-chick, engaged in kinky sex disappointed some of us puritans. No sex please, we are Tanzanians!

As far as we are concerned there is nothing like having gays in Bongo. I remember a few years ago a group of American gays wanted to have a holiday in Zenj. The resultant furore in the Isles caused the US gay party to abandon plans to go and sun themselves in the beaches of Zenj.

Our local gutter press went ballistic (News of the Screws) when they saw ‘their’ story in the government-owned newspaper. Some vowed to sue the government for plagiarism.

One gutter rag went further and interviewed one of the former lovers of Aunt Victoria. A guy in Kinondoni swore that Abdallah ‘ka-chick’ Aluu was the meanest and hottest chick he had encountered in his love life.

I visited the newspaper stand there was this kinky rag with a picture of some er…very cool looking like chick who could easily win the Miss Kinondoni contest. At a closer look and reading the picture caption I was horrified to read that the ka-chick was in fact Abdallah Aluu or Aunt Victoria! God Almighty!

I thanked my stars that I was never the one to seduce the opposite sex while drunk. While most men’s horny instincts go into their heads when bombed. These guys could easily seduce Abdallah Aluu thinking that he was a real chick.

It immediately got me into thinking. We have to check the actual sexuality of those vain chicks competing to be miss something. The chicks could look really home grown. But are they real? The guys could have visited China five or ten years ago for a sex- change operation. We now must have medics present at the ubiquitous Miss Nonsense shows going on everyday in Bongo!

Pigs of the world unite

Wajinga ndio waliwao!

Mavungo

CCM campaigning for CUF?

I hear the CCM is proving to be smarter in the in-coming elections due in the Busanda constituency on Sunday. The reason is obvious enough – to split the CUF, Chadema vote. Of course the beneficiary will be CCM.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, remember? Predictably as soon as it splits the CUF, Chadema vote, the ruling party will then turn to CUF for the kill. It will paint CUF as a religion-based (Waislam) party and then hordes of Christians will recoil. Then as a coup-de-grace, the CCM will start presenting Chadema as a tribal party (Wachagga). This is done very subtly.

Just watch on-going events and you will know that is where the show is headed to. While CUF and Chadema will be busy trying to dodge the nasty accusations, some narrow minded Tanzanians will start to forget the heinous corruption accusations against the ruling party – EPA, Richmond, Tangold, Radar scandal… you name it, under the rule of the CCM.

Few can really tell if the people, who appear to be fed up to their necks on CCM alleged crimes will give another chance to the ruling party or not. Tanzanians appear to be genuinely angry at the way they are being treated by their rulers. Most say openly say that Tanzania now lacks genuine leadership.

Trouble is – what is the alternative? The Opposition is so fragmented that most Tanzanians regard them as another bunch of clowns. Nearly all parties have nothing new to say. Promises made by the CCM in the last elections are laughable - if not plainly a joke.

Most of the opposition is fraught with ego problems amongst its leaders. And, in closely watching some of the opposition show, you start smelling the hand of the CCM. There is too much clowning among the opposition politicians. Their entire line-up hardly qualifies to lead Tanzania after 2010.

For some of them to even imagine that they can grace our walls and smile their teeth off, after next years election is a pipe dream. People who have nothing to say and don’t even look good in pictures should simply belt up.

And, believe me, dear reader, voters like good looking guys. Ask Americans, Barrack O. And now even the English might give the conservative party leader, David Cameron, the leadership in Britain.

Most observers would have thought that the opposition should have concentrated on fighting for the legislature and leave the presidency alone. They obviously can’t win the presidential votes. The president, backed by the CCM/government juggernaut
will win.

Faced with that choice, the voters, might as well accept the usual khanga and t-shirts or a kilo of sugar and other insulting bribes and gnash their teeth in frustrated anger. But, in desperation voters might switch to the opposition in Busanda, like in Tarime. Remember, that is desperation.

Amani na Utulivu?

Adieu peace and tranquility!

On the front pages of some paper last week I saw pictures of some young CCM toughs, called commandos, wearing ninja-like baraclavas and shades.

They are throwing their weight around in the Busanda constituency in Geita District in Mwanza. Forced to the ground was a Chadema supporter. Now we know pictures usually don’t lie. There is a nauseating lie about the much-parroted peace and tranquility in our country.

Now we know where the stolen billions are channeled to. Some guys are using the money to run illegal private armies.

If the CCM shows the example of an outright hiring of thugs to force people to love the party, then other parties will follow suit! Then we will need just a spark to have an explosion.

It’s clear that the young thugs are being used as cannon fodder by the politicians who usually have nothing to say. They are an incompetent lot, politically bankrupt and even have yet to master the art of lying decently to the people. Frankly they should just get out and stop boring the people of the United Republic of Tanzania.

On Thursday CCM rulers, led deputy Secretary-General, Braza George Mkuchika were roundly booed and heckled by angry constituents. This was after the people politely listened to a CCM MP, Anne Kilango. The MP is widely respected for her stand against grand corruption and jealously hated by her own enemies in the party who think she is gunning for cheap popularity.

Enter Braza George Mkuchika and the heckling started. Understandably so. I am afraid of the game of playing ‘ostrich’ is being overdone by the ruling party. It is now looking so brazenly crude, for a CCM politician to stand up and yell: “Long live CCM!” to a people who have been so traumatized by various disasters in the party and government.

Now, when faced with a collective ‘No” from the people the ruling party has started to play dirty. Now you can’t rule by bullying using thugs wearing balaclavas and shades. They are just a step away from carrying guns.

You also cannot rule by using battalions of FFU, who swear that they are impartial and their allegeance to the people of Bongo. But everybody knows that the majority of them are just uniformed CCM party zealots. Do you remember former Dar es Salaam police boss, Alfredo Tibaigana. Well, now he wants to be an MP on a CCM ticket in next year’s general election. Impartial, eh?

You wonder what the bullying is for. Power, I guess. Basically politicians love powe - which is understandable. But what if, once you achieve power, you fail to utilize that power? Then one could safely assume that most politicos in Bongo want power, not for the higher ideal, but to guarantee their 'eating'. Msosi!

The people concerned (voters) realize that you cannot deliver. What then? You resort to crude bullying. Hired thugs, euphemistically called Green Guards belonging to the mighty CCM are now reportedly running sway in Busanda.

We all know that those tactics have a limit. Sooner or later the people get used to strong-arm tactics. Then they will fight back. They fought back in Kenya, didn’t they? One thing CCM should know is that they cannot force the people of Tanzania to love them, even by brandishing clubs at them and beating them up!

CHOMBEZO LA ADAM LUSEKELO

Tanzania watawala kibao - viongozi kau

Hivi majuzi Waziri Mkuu, Braza Mizengo Pinda alisema kuwa nchi inahitaji viongozi wasukuma maendeleo ambao wanakerwa na matatizo ya wananchi, badala ya watawala.

Braza Pinda alitoa kauli hiyo wakati akizungumza na watawala wanaojiita viongozi na wawakilishi wa sekta mbalimbali za jamii wakiwamo wa dini katika halmashauri za Kasulu na Kibondo mkoani Kigoma.

Alisema kuwa anakerwa na watendaji ambao wanakaa ofisini bila ya kuwafuata wananchi na kuwastua juu ya fursa zilizopo, ambazo zinaweza kuwainua kiuchumi.

Sisi wananchi tunajua fika kuwa sasa hivi kuna makatuni lukuki ambao wanajifanya ni viongozi, utafikiria uongozi ni kazi rahisi! Wengi wanakuwa kama watoto vile, kupoteza muda mwingi kutafuta midoli ya kuchezea, kama magari ya kifahari na kujikita katika mbwembwe mpaka wanatia huruma.

Nasema hivyo, kwa kuwa nina mifano mingi, hasa nje ya jiji la Dar es Salaam. Ukienda huko mikoani na wilayani, utaona watu wanasimama eti pale mkuu wa wilaya au mkoa anapoingia baa. Mimi naona uchizi huo; usiniambie ni heshima kwa mkuu. Ni uoga tu usiokuwa na msingi!

Lakini huwezi kumlaumu mtawala huyo sana. Wa kulaumiwa pia ni wananchi wanaofanya hivyo. Kumtukuza binadamu mwenzio kana kwamba yu Mungu-mtu kuna hatari sana. Baada ya muda, yawezekana akaanza kuamini kuwa yeye kweli ni mungu mtu, wa kupapatikiwa na kila mtu!

Mtawala mmoja, yeye ni waziri na ushahidi ninao, alikuwa anawasili mjini Dar es Salaam kwa ndege. Sasa dereva wake alikuja kumpokea kiwanja cha ndege. Dareva huyo aliacha shangingi la mkuu, likinguruma ili kiyoyozi ndani ya shangingi hilo kiendelee kufanya kazi!

Gari tupu, hamna mtu ndani, linanguruma kumngoja waziri ambaye ndege aliyokuwa amepanda hata haujatua. Dereva wa gari hiyo alikuwa amesimama pembeni na mwenye sura kama aliyekuwa anamngoja Mwenyezi Mungu mwenyewe afike.

Ni dhahiri kuwa dereva huyo alikuwa anafanya hivyo kwa amri ya mkuu. Waziri huyo anajiita profesa, lakini kwangu mimi ni katuni limbukeni tu. Ni dhahiri kuwa shule yake haikumsaidia sana. Angekuwa analipia mafuta ya gari hilo kutoka mfukoni mwake angethubutu kuamuru libaki bila kuzimwa muda wote?

Kwan nchi masikini kama yetu, kule tu kuwa na mashangingi, ni matusi kwa wananchi. Kuna magari mengi yanayoweza kufanya kazi ya mashangingi. Kwa kukubali ukatuni huyo, serikali inatueleza kwa vitendo, bila kusema, inavyotufikiria sisi wananchi. Unaenda baa na watoto wako hawajala!

Pia kuna uonezi kibao mikoani. Braza Pinda, angepitisha upekuzi wa kimya-kimya huko na kuona jinsi watu wanavyoonewa. Inakuwaje mkuu wa mkoa au wa wilaya awe na utajiri mkubwa ghafla mara tu baada ya kutinga katika kituo chake?

Kwa mfano, katika mkoa fulani wa kusini mwa Jamhuri yetu, watu walistukia ghafla mkuu wa mkoa huo tayari ana maelfu ya ekari, na analima ngano! Wakati wa kuvuna alikuwa akibeba ngano hiyo kutumia magari ya serikali. Sasa hivi ni milionea na hana wasiwasi. Lakini maelfu ya eka za mashamba ya ngano katoa wapi kama siyo kutumia ofisi yake vibaya?

Sasa, kama mkuu wa wilaya na afisa kilimo na kila ka-jiofisa, wote watafanya hivyo hivyo, si ndiyo basi, nchi inakuwa haina viongozi tena, bali watawala? Matatizo yetu Waafrika ni kuwa, tunajaribu sana kukimbia zile tembe za nyasi tulizokulia. Gari moja halitoshi, labda manne, ya nguvu! Nyumba moja ya kawaida haitoshi, mpaka liwe hekalu. Sasa, hiyo si njaa tena, bali uroho!

Kiongozi anatakiwa kuongoza, ili sisi wengine na watoto wetu tuige mfano wao. Wananchi hawawezi kuiga mfano wa watu waroho. Hao siyo viongozi. Hao ni watawala wa kudharauliwa na kuonewa huruma kwani matatizo yao ni ya kisaikolojia!

Wendawazimu!

The Ngorongoro Crater madness!

I have been thinking, and that brings great fear into my mind. Right now I hear the world-famous heritage, the Ngorongoro Crater National Park, is about to be scrapped from the world natural heritages list.

Reason? Some government nincompoops have okayed the rapid increase of human activities around the area under the control of the Ngorongoro Conservation Area Authority. This is simply madness!

For heaven’s sake, the Ngorongoro Crater is one of the wonders of the world. It is a place of breathtaking beauty by any account. The wildlife concentration is second to none in the world.

And then you hear that some nuts in government have allowed farming activities in the Ngorongoro. Why, for God’s sake? Wildlife should strictly be treated as that – wild!

I am sure neither the majestic lions nor any other wild creature at the Crater invited a species known as homo sapiens to go and farm in the conservation area. I am sure the comical hyenas of the Crater did not ask human beings to go and build kiosks, bars and guesthouses there. The animals in the Crater are strictly teetotalers, anyway. It’s all just human greed!

The animals are great to watch – at a distance. I am sure they don’t want to have homo sapiens as neighbours. Government rulers like to brag that we have 40 million hectares to spare. There are even very uncomfortable noises of offering land to foreigners. Surely the local agriculturists can be offered some land for agriculture, instead of having people squeezing animals at the national parks. It’s just criminal to turn Ngorongoro into a zoo.

Some 300 cars are allowed to go into the Ngorongoro Crater daily. More madness! If we have any government (I doubt it, sometimes) the number of vehicles going into the park should be halved, yesterday! This is a God-given present and we are duty bound to cherish and protect it. We shouldn’t reduce it to a gigantic car park.

Likewise there is madness, not unlike Ngorongoro in the Serengeti National Park. They have just completed building a 77-room Kempinski hotel called the Bilila Lodge.
The Ngorongoro madness

The ‘investors’ are said to have carried out the construction at a site rich in wildlife in such a way that “one moves around the large site on elevated walkways with the animals underneath. Which is a load of crap. They want to turn it into a Serengeti zoo.

I insist that only demented people in the Ministry of Natural Resources and Tourism would okay such a venture. Wild animals should be left to be just that – wild. You don’t go about building a concrete jungle pat on the middle of a national park! It is simply ugly. Why should human beings (thugs in suits) plan to make zoos of our national parks?

Kenya tried the same nonsense inside national parks. These contributed to an incredible reduction of wildlife in national parks in the last three decades. That will also happen here if this trend by mad people is left unchecked. There must an end to human greed somewhere. Leave our national parks alone!

"Bill thought he was the President, too"

                         The order of battle begins!

All week the fight between the rich guys, Igunga MP, Rostam ‘The shark’ Aziz and IPP boss Reggie ‘The whale’ Mengi has been in progress - to the delight to the rest of us.

Someone has accused both of having a joint conspiracy to sell their papers and hype up their media houses. It could be. One never knows. The ways of the rich guys are many. 

The shark started it. On Tuesday he waltzed through the offices of Prevention and Combating of Corruption Bureau (PCCB) and handed over a written testimony of the crimes allegedly committed by the whale. The PCCB received the dossier and it is now peacefully gathering dust in its offices.

In short, the shark was accusing the whale for his love for loans from banks. The rest of us have been asking – what’s wrong with taking loans from banks? I thought that’s the whole idea of having banks in the first place! That’s business. Sharks and whales can happily go to banks, get loans and trade.

The shark has accused the whale of getting a 28 billion loan from some bank. The shark was very touched by the fearsome amounts of the money. According to the him that dosh could build 100 brand new secondary schools to educate the poor kids of the United Republic of Tanzania. How touching. Suddenly sharks are now very sympathetic to the poor.  

But wait,one big, fat minute! How many secondary schools could the 133 billion stolen from the EPA scandal build? How many hospitals could the 40 billion shillings stolen by the Kagoda ghosts build? What about the 60 billion Dowans scandal which was about to happen? How many desks could the blatant thieving of that money stolen from radar scandal build?

How many teachers could be decently paid my monies stolen from Songas, IPTL, Deep Green rip-offs? If that money was decently used in this country, Tanzania could be calling itself a rapidly developing country!

Anyway the battle continues. The whale has now decided to counter, counter-attack. He has filed a formal suit at the High Court in Dar, demanding at least 10.5 billion/- from the shark for publishing false and defamatory statements against him through various media outlets.

The shark had accused the whale for being: “A fraudster, chronic debtor, tax evader, dishonest, uncreditworthy and an unethical businessman.”

And now the show goes to the High Court. The whale demands 10.5 billion/-in general damages and another 500 million/- in punitive damages. Some serious money that. I wonder how many secondary schools that money could build in the future. Maybe 10 universities – za nguvu!

Who knows, the whale might decide to be generous with the money, if he wins the case. So we might suggest that when he starts thinking of schools we should suggest the names. 

Arusha town could do with the University of Kambi ya Fisi. Lindi town, down south, needs a University of Chamaki Nchanga. Tukuyu town could be graced with a University of Masyabala.Tanga residents should be kicked of their lazy ways and be awarded with a University of Waja Leo. As for now - to the courts! 




                                       PASSAGE OF TIME LEAVES OUT NO ONE !!!  
                                                  I thought it happened only to me, 
                                  but was consoled and encouraged after receiving this, 

                                                                       RICHARD GERE  

                                                  ROGER MOORE (JAMES BOND  007)

                                                           ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

                                                                         CLINT EASTWOOD

                                                                        ROD  STEWART

Ou-c-h!

What’s your foreskin status?

If I heard Dr Kigoda right in the Bunge, circumcision among men in the fight against HIV/Aids helps. Some MP from Pemba, appropriately called Hafidh Ali Tahir (Dimani) had been asking about the joys of circumcision in the Bunge.

Joys? I don’t know about that. In his biography, ‘The road to freedom’, Africa’s icon, Mzee Nelson Mandela told the rest of us what happened when his group of young men reached puberty.

Mzee narrated that when the ngariba (cut-man) cut off the foreskin, you were supposed to jump up and yell: “I am a man!” When it came to our Mzee’s turn and the ngariba struck, Mzee said the pain was so intense that he forgot to yell the magic words.

Today times have changed. I got the ‘cut’ on day one. My old girl told me that when tots are born they have to do a wee and a pooh, which is good practice for stuff you are going to do for the rest of your life. I poohed but there was no wee. So the doctor searched my naughty parts only to find no pee hole on it. So he decided to do the operation of cutting it right there and then. I hear my pee flew all over the doc’s face and he called me a toto tundu.

But I still have memories of my brothers being hauled to the theatre howling for dear life. They will be awaited with a ‘cut-man’ with a sadistic glee on his face. I would never like to meet such a guy in the dark.

Today there is anesthesia, local anesthesia. The medics isolate your naughty parts and remove the foreskin while you are reading a newspaper or eating a sandwich. Then you go home. No need to yell that you are a man. You may have to walk a bit gingerly as the painkiller wears off, and might not be able to have fun with it for awhile. But that’s about it.

Trouble is, how to ask our honorable MPs if they have done the job themselves. Hon Tahir has obviously had the job done to him. In Kiswahili it is easier: “Mheshimiwa, umekata?” Even then, you could get extreme answers.

The MPs who comes from a ‘cut’ culture could feel offended that you even dared ask them such obvious things. You have to apologies effusively if you want to get away with such a question.

With an MP who doesn’t come from a ‘cut’ culture you might also get into trouble; “What is it to you, damn it? Whether I am cut or not, does it matter? The people of my constituency elected me to come and represent them in the Bunge. Not, I repeat, not how I look down there. I think this is a violation of human rights and I am going to sue you in court.”

“Sir, we have just heard that ‘cutting’ helps in the fight against HIV/Aids and…”
“You can bloody go to hell with your cutting business! Aids, or swine flu, I don’t care! And, by the way, my wife likes it as it is! Get out of my face, now!”

And, come to think of it, the question is awkward enough to ask our honorable MPs. The language must be couched appropriately. Now there is a question on ‘marital status’ to ask if the Hon. is married or not.

Maybe we should ask about the ‘foreskin status” of the Hon.? If it is negative society should assume that the MP is circumcised. If his foreskin status is positive, society would assume that that the Hon MP needs a cut. Ou-u-c-h!

Wala haiwezekani!

Choose: Politics or private business

The prez, Jack Mrisho.has told public rulers to choose to trade or become real politicians. They have chosen both. And there is nothing Jack can do about it. Maybe fire them outright. Which, he can’t do. Everyone knows that they are his buddies.

You see there is the selfishness which is inborn in mankind. We spend the rest of our lives trying to control that basic interest. But most of us fail. So we succumb to greed.

You have money, so you also want to be an MP. But that is not enough. How about being a minister? Even that is not enough. You want to be a prime minister.

But that also is not enough. How about wanting to be the president? That is cool. But, believe me dear reader, even that is not enough. After president they even eye the post of the Almighty himself. They want to be God!

As the prez, you can’t ask those psychological types to choose. They want to be both – businessmen and politicians. One feeds on another. If you have a bus company you would also like to sit at the Bunge in Dodoma. There you can lobby for another hefty loan of 29 buses from the ministry of transport and whatever. You talk to the movers and shakers themselves.

If you want to sell power to Tanesco, you support things like fake dealers calling themselves Richmond. The deal sails through like a ship in calm waters. Dare I say that the rich guys are swarming to join the parliament to go and do business there - not to represent their people!

So it’s me, me and me alone in their psyche. You cannot tell those guys to choose. Most the politicians cum businessmen have actually bought their way to the political positions. Some have used their businesses to oil the wheels of CCM. Everybody knows that. Everyone knows now that a cabal of businessmen is ruling Bongo by proxy.

This really is Jack Mrisho’s ball game. I also welcome the plan the sweeping reforms to the existing leadership ethics legislation. But, believe me those businessmen posing as politicians will never voluntarily choose between the two.

Maybe a Chadema MP, Mzee Ndesamburo, had a point when he said: “You can’t separate politics and business…in the past, such a thing was tried and it failed. If this law is eventually passed, I will hand over control of my businesses to my children and grandchildren…and continue with politics.”

That’s great honesty from Mzee Ndesamburo. They all will do that and declare that they don’t run any businesses. By the time the law is passed those businesses with be owned by baby ‘directors’ busy pooing and wee-weeing in their nappies!

Kula mkuyati

As horny as the Sultan of Zenj

No. It not my headline. I learnt it from music star, an African-American called George Benson. It was a lovely number. I am sure it still is.

Take two. Zenj. I love Zenj. The food, the guy and chicks and even the hypocrisy. They pretend a lot of stuff, even swear that there are no gays.

It doesn’t bother me. Humanoids are basically pretentious. We pretend to be what we are not. So when I was making my periodic sojourn to Zenj, I visited the Zanzibar museum.

I love history and I was amazed that one of the Sultans, Seyyed Said Bargash Bin Sultan had, believe it or not, a hundred wives! I read that stuff again and it said the guy had 100 chicks waiting for his works.

How did the guy do it? Then there were no viagra or scialis or erecto (super) tablets. You know the stuff the used today to pep up the works downstairs. He must have been using some strong local muti. I have heard of our local stuff – mkuyati. In Zimbabwe there is the famed vukavuka. I hear you and your partner will go for it like rabbits!

So how did the Sultan sustain a 100 wives? I looked at his bed in the museum and wondered how he did the job. Was there a secret gadget designed to help the bwana mkubwa in the works. The guy could have easily died of exhaustion.

In fact Zanzibar did not need to have a violent and bloody revolution. All the revolutionaries had to do was supply the sultan with more wives and the guy would have killed himself with chicks!

Did he make the wives queue for the fun? If this was the stuff then how could he rule? Because there was a saying that then: ‘If Zanzibar coughed, the Mainland caught a cold!’

But what if the sultan was always in different positions, with his wives. I mean how was he supposed to run Zanzibar? And there were no mobile phones then, when he could just ring the chick of the hour not to,er, grace the royal chamber!

Because if there were cellphones then the Sultan could always ring his prime minister and say “Oi, don’t call me. I am on the job with ten wives. Just tell the Brits to go to hell. If they want more negotiations give them Zenj chicks!”

But really, a 100 wives boggles the mind. Is it vanity or what? Mind you I hear that some of our ministers also have harems. They keep battalions of wives and try to multiply themselves as much as possible. No wonder the economy is is plummeting. The government is constantly in different positions. Mid you not in development policy, but in bed!

Good luck to them. What I will do is start a consultancy service. My shop will be selling viagra, scialis, vukavuka, mkuyati and erecto. Then I will be making friends with our modern-day sultans to bolster the population of the United Republic of Tanzania!

U-hanga wanaume Kenya

Kenyan women to strike?

The tale from Kenya is that the mademu in Kenya will deny their men folk conjugal rights to protest their dilly-dallying in the political process there. As neighbors we can only worry that Kenyans might go back to their nasty ways of butchering each other like they did last year. More than 1,500 died and the physical and psychological wounds are still fresh.

For certain Raila Odinga’s wife, Oda Idinga has agreed that withholding the joys of sex from their husbands for seven days could help pressure Kenyan politicians to speed up solving Kenya’s political troubles.

But politicians quickly forget that. It’s only their passion for power which matters. So the women have decided to inflict a penalty – no sex for seven days! The question is – will they succeed?

Personally I doubt it. Studies have shown that women are even more prone to power abuse than men. Power is sexy, you know. It equals getting money, legally and mostly illegally. But it’s money. Human beings find that very sexy.

So the question of Mzee Mwai Kibaki suffering from u-hunger is out. If Mama Kibaki goes on strike I am sure there are thousands of other Kenyan young bints who will gladly share state house bedroom with mzee.

The same goes for Premier Raila Odinga. I am sure there are thousands of Luo chicks who would love to replace Mama Oda Odinga. I say Luo women, because our neighbors are still hot about the ‘tribe’ thing. Ethnicity. Who wouldn’t want to be the first lady? So sexually starving Kenyan men simply won’t work.

Some have openly wondered if the Tanzanian fisadis should be starved sexually. That in a weeks time the fisadis will be suffering from acute cases of u-hunger and they will beg the Tanzanian people for mercy. That they will return the money in exchange of a chance to have a bonk.

Again, that is nonsense. As I said, money is extremely sexy. So once it is known that fisadis have taken tonnes of money from EPA, Kagoda, Tangold, Radar rip-off and other cases of grand theft (without punishment) the women, and some men, will be stalking them day and night.

Steal money and to put the icing on the cake nothing happens to you. You will still be called mheshimiwa thief and the chicks will be swooning before you with desire. What more can a man want? I always maintain that crime pays in Bongo.

We already have cases of fisadi guys who has been bonking chicks by the truck load and then buy them Rav4s per fling. I hear Toyota motors have sent these fisadis notes of congratulations for boosting the sales of their cars in Tanzania.

I have talked to a lot of women who have said, quite cynically, that a car for a sexual fling is worth it. “Who will know?” asked young lass with a cocky look on her face.

Indeed, who will know? You cannot tell. But you definitely can see her fancy car. Appearances are important to some feeble minded individuals.

In fact the thing to worry here is that the fisadis might die of exhaustion. It’s in their character. They want all the monies for themselves. So they will definitely want all the chicks for themselves. That could claim a lot of casualties. The fisadis may die of overdoing things.

So a few conscientious women might go on strike to teach the men a lesson. But thousands others will be hovering on the background, just waiting for a chance to partake in the feasting of the ill-gotten gains.

vuta ganja!

Fight cancer, smoke ganja!

No, its’not me saying. It is some US research team which has discovered the joys of smoking week. That it kicks the backsides of cancerous cells in women’s tits.

I have always suspected that weed has therapeutic elements in humans. It has a ‘feel-good’ effect on dour men and women. Not me, of course. I tried it when I was little and I saw the heavens come down sto crash me. It was not a very good experience.

Then I tried it while in the National Service. In fact we all tried it in the National Service. It did wonders to your drill session, from 11 a.m. to 1.00 a.m.. The biggest fun was the drill sergeant used to come to our gang and smoke ganja with us, before going to bark orders at us. Left turn!, Right turn! Mark time! (makitaima!) It was most hilarious seeing him pretending to be serious on the drill grounds.

We all did weed. I would like to see all those pretenders wearing suits who would tell me that they did not do weed. That they did not smoke ganja sometimes in their lives. Maybe, like Bill Clinton, they didn’t inhale.

Ganja has been having a very bad press. It is time world governments think of de-criminalising weed. The police in Mara region waste valuable time, eti, chasing and arresting weed growers, The thing is doing wonders to the local Mara Region economy. It is a lucrative export to neighbouring Kenya. That is what I cll good neighbouriness.

Holland has done the right thing. They have legalised it. You can go in some bar and buy a beer and a joint of marijuana and blow your blues away. No hassles.

I can’t understand us. You can buy a bottle of whisky and go ahead and pulversise your liver. That is regarded as cool. All is quiet. But if you take out a joint and light up the entire police force will be pointing guns at you. Police should be fighting armed robbers and rapists, not weed smokers.

Now science is discovering that if you do a bit of weed the cancer of the tits will leave you alone. In fact a lot has been said about the joys of cannabis sativa, or weed.

Some say that it does wonders to those who wallow in sex. Some guys around the Lake Victoria area say that when they blow the stuff they work like a horse.

In Iringa Region they eat the stuff. Lovely vegetables. In war soldiers use it to stave off fear. In war, the end justifies the means. I read somewhere that soldiers would be given stuff before they go to fight.

Now it is said weed is medicinal. Maybe the police should be informed about this. Most people are not smoking ganja to get bombed or something. They are simply avoiding the spread of cancer in their bodies!

Zipigwe Mahakamani

And now let’s rumble!

I had lovely week-end. Fights. Philippino Manny Pacquiano silenced a noisy British light welterweight, Ricky Hatton with a left hook in the second round in Las Vegas. Pacqiano simply switched off the lights for Ricky Hatton and that was it.

Then at home there was another fight – the shark versus the whale. After withstanding a withering attack from IPP boss, Reggie ‘the Whale’ Mengi, Igunga MP Rostam ‘the Shark’ Aziz went on a widely expected counter-attack.

He hit back by describing Mengi as a ‘corruption whale”. According to the shark, the whale has been very good at getting all those loans and not very good at paying them back.

But one would have thought that the whole idea of business is to get access to loans, do your gig, and repay the money. The whale’s legal reps were on Monday facing the media and swearing that the loans have been repaid.

According to the ‘Shark’, the ‘Whale’ played an active role in corrupt activities that contributed to bankruptcy of the National Bank of Commerce, which was owned by Tanzanians, and led to the its privatization at a throw–away price.

I hardly can re-call hearing a word of protest on the NBC scandal, from members of the CCM’s Central Committee at that time. This really opens the Pandora’s box.

The ‘Whale’ has brushed aside the ‘Shark’s allegations and told him to go to court: “I would like to give Rostam Aziz some free advice. He should go to court if he was wants to clear his name and defend himself against the corruption allegations leveled against him.”

Rostam has been adamant: “I’d like to make it clear that all the allegations against me are lies and rubbish.”

Lies and rubbish, eh? I think Rostam and other five business sharks should go to court. It seems like the Kagoda robbery was a pipe-dream. It never happened and the government can testify to that. EPA never happened, they say.

Curious thing – why was Rostam concentrating on damning down Mengi, instead of telling Tanzanians how squeaky clean he, the shark, is? Because the widely perceived conclusion is that the two fisadi fish, the shark and the whale, have been up to no good. Both are crooks. Allegedly! So why not go to the courts?

The Speaker of the Bunge Sam Six, has said that he doesn’t like the ‘Shark and the Whale show’, at all. That’s just too bad. But for the rest of us Tanzanians, who have seen our country being prostituted by financial pimps for the last three years, who would like to know – who is fooling whom?

This is a continuing match. Let the accused go to the courts and I am sure it will come out as to who is the real shark and who is the whale. The people of Tanzania will be the refs. It’s time to rumble now!