Virgins? Who wants virgins?

In one of last week’s  papers there was a picture of Food and Drugs Authority chief, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda and the Director of Criminal Investigation (DCI) Bob Manumba celebrating their handiwork. They had just arrested some of the fake drugs now swamping the country. So far no convictions, of course.

Some of the fake drugs are claimed to be bum boosters. Some are said to be restorers of virginity in women. Some are said to enhance the length of the schlong in men. That men using the drugs could literary grow a ‘third’ leg where their manhood is. This is stupid nonsense, of course.

You would think that few people will believe that rubbish about growing huge bums or boobs using chemicals – poisons, if you ask me. But then, how come that selling fake drugs is a multi-million dollar business. It means that there are millions of desperadoes out there who believe the crap.

I started wondering – why should a woman want a huge booster instead of normal buttocks? I suspect it is mainly something to do with satisfying the male ego. So most women oblige.

Men also waste a lot of their time wondering about the size, down there. The timeless question is – does size matter, or is it what you do with what you’ve got that matters? You get great laughs while in men’s public urinaries. Everyone holds his ka-thing as if he is holding the biggest third ‘leg’ in town. Implying that mine is bigger than yours. Very childish and amusing.

I wonder what women show off to each other when they are in the ‘ladies’ My bum is bigger than yours? My boobs are kiboko, than yours. They could feed six totos at a time!

It’s all human vanity, of course, I understand. But what I can’t understand in this ‘virginity’ thing. Even in the Holy Scriptures there is this ‘virginity’ thing. That when you go to heaven, you will be greeted by dozens of sexy virgins, ready to tear you apart.

It not that I don’t want to go to heaven. But the idea of being surrounded by dozens of virgins is, frankly, quite scary. Ask any honest man, meeting and entertaining a virgin is hard work. You have to be a mixture of a Casanova and a prize wrestler at the same times. Virgins? Not me!

Now when you are making sure of avoiding virgins at all cost, then you hear that there are women spending loads of money to buy creams to rub a woman’s you-know-where so that she gets back her virginity!

I mean, why spend all that money when they could simply buy a tube of Supa-Glue for 500 bob? Then they could be virgins again for a few bob. Of course we could have trouble when the woman decides to be ‘normal’ again.
Supa-Glue is a mother of all glues. How do you un-do it?

Maybe the women could borrow a tank from the army to blast off the offending glue from the ‘virgin’ who wants to have a normal sex life.

You wonder what’s next? Pills which will make one have multiple orgasms without having a partner? Wanking pills for kids who reach puberty? Bonga pills for men who find it a nightmare to seduce women. I am sure there are drugs to cure that, or are on their way