Please leave our land alone

There are the disquieting reports that the government has leased or is planning to lease 1000 square of farmland to South Koreans.

The media quoted Korean officials as saying that 1,000 square kilometers (386 sq miles) would be developed – half for local farmers, half to produce processed goods for South Korea.

According to reports, the deal was a result of recent Premier Mizengo Pinda’s visit to the far eastern country. The government has refuted such media reports. My question is – just who manufactured those lies? Smoke without a fire? Tanzanians certainly need a re-assurance for such dangerous allegations. Where the South Koreans lying?

In April this year it was reported that Saudi Arabian investors want to lease 500,000 hectares of farmland in Tanzania to grow rice and wheat. President Jakaya Kikwete is reported to have told the Saudis that Tanzania could lease them Land covering up to 10,000 hectares for 99 years!

“Tanzania is ready to do business with you…there is a 100 million (40.5 million) hectares) of good arable land.” Reuters quoted Mr. Kikwete as telling Saudi businessmen.

Well, the president might have felt that way. But not in my name. I can boldly say not in the name of millions of Tanzanians who seem to have no say in their destiny. The rulers might call it investment, I call it a potential land grab. Just like the Greek, English and German settlers during colonialism.

All wars of liberation in Africa have been about land. In the end Africans found themselves being ‘manamba’ in foreign settler-owned farms for sisal, cotton, tobacco and other farm produce - through slave labour. It never at any point ‘improved’ their lives in any way, other than terminally affect the African inferiority complex.

Can’t Tanzanians produce rice and wheat to export to Saudi Arabia? Can’t Tanzanians produce whatever North Koreans want for export to that far eastern country? I mean, how the Black African survived over 1,000 years. Now we are being told that the Saudis or Koreans are going to ‘liberate’ us economically.

Right now some of the rulers have sold of chunks of Loliondo and in northern Tanzania. The arrogance displayed by those foreigners whom I plainly called colonialists, in cahoots with the local slave rulers, is simply astonishing.

The local rulers are busy spinning yarns that the Masai of Loliondo are Kenyans who have come over to disturb Arabian princes, busy hunting lions (to prove their machismo). Maybe the minister for tourism, Ms Shamsa Mwangunga, who has a rep for speaking untruths, can tell us just how Tanzania benefits from hiring out a chunk of our country for the pleasures of Arabian royalty?
As we are headed towards the general elections next year all political parties should tell us their stand on the land issue. Many of us are getting increasingly alarmed by some rulers who want to treat our country as their private estate. This land belongs to all Tanzanians, not a few who find themselves in ruling positions.

Cursed be the house niggers!

While Africa was fighting for independence in the 60’s Black people in US were fighting for their civil rights. One of the Black civil rights leaders was the legendary Malcolm X. His main fight was against those civil rights leaders who had sold out to the Whites.

These were called house niggers, because the Black house slaves ended up loving their white masters more than the master himself. Others Blacks called them ‘coconut’, because they were black outside and white inside, when you peered at their consciences.

The colonialists did the job on Blacks too. The French decided to make Black Frenchmen – the assimile. The Portuguese called them asimilados – Black Portuguese, who loved the master more than the master loved themselves.

The great Portuguese soccer legend Eusebio will not take it too kindly if you called him a Makonde from Mozambican. In the English theatre in Africa the late president of Malawi, Kamuzu Hastings Banda would kill you if you dare say he was Malawian. And even today, you might be sued like hell if you called former attorney-general of Kenya, ‘Sir’ Charles Njonjo, a house nigger.

But don’t laugh and rest on your laurels. There are guys who are remnants of the 19th century slave trade in East Africa - the house niggers of today. They love the former slave master, Arabs more than he loves himself. They don’t only love the Arabs, they think, in their twisted psyche, that they are Arabs!

They are willing to sell the lands of their ancestors to the Arabs. Just like those 19th century ‘chiefs’ sold-out to the likes of the great German thief, Karl Peters. They think it is normal to a bunch of Arabs to come to the United Republic of Tanzania and call it United Arab Emirates.

Tanzanian house niggers leased off some lands in Loliondo, in Arusha region, to their masters in return for a few pieces of silver, and trinkets like gold watches and chains. This is simply treason. You don’t swear to uphold the constitution of the United Republic of Tanzania and, as commander-in-chief swear to protect the borders of this potentially great, but much abused country, only to parcel it off as some playground to some Arabs!
The area in question located within Loliondo game-controlled area (LGCA) is a territory within territory. Hired thugs of the FFU provide 24-7n security and unauthorized visits strictly forbidden. This is a Bantustanisation of the Masais. All in the name for pieces of silver and gold chains for the house niggers’ wives.

Some of us find it very insulting for Tanzanian house niggers to sign off their country like that. We don’t want our country to be called United Arab Emirates, just like the Arabs would understandably not want their country to be called Tanzania. You simply wonder what next to this insult – that alll Tanzanian men and women submit to be wives for the Arabs. If loliondo can be called Arabiya, then let the whole country be called that and we will be bowing before the king of UAR. The slave mentality seems to be deeply ingrained in us.

Okay, let’s be a bit democratic. All those Tanzanian clowns who feel that they want to be slaves of the Arabs should be allowed to go there yesterday and live happily with their masters.
The deal for the Arab colonialist was struck in 1992, that they infringe our territorial rights for 10 years. Now it is 2009. Has another deal, from 2002 to date, been struck by our hungry house niggers to humiliate Tanzanians in their own country? When will they just get out of our country? This land belongs to Tanzanians, not Arabian colonialist and their mad, local house niggers, who will sell their own mothers for a few pieces of silver!

Virgins? Who wants virgins?

In one of last week’s  papers there was a picture of Food and Drugs Authority chief, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda and the Director of Criminal Investigation (DCI) Bob Manumba celebrating their handiwork. They had just arrested some of the fake drugs now swamping the country. So far no convictions, of course.

Some of the fake drugs are claimed to be bum boosters. Some are said to be restorers of virginity in women. Some are said to enhance the length of the schlong in men. That men using the drugs could literary grow a ‘third’ leg where their manhood is. This is stupid nonsense, of course.

You would think that few people will believe that rubbish about growing huge bums or boobs using chemicals – poisons, if you ask me. But then, how come that selling fake drugs is a multi-million dollar business. It means that there are millions of desperadoes out there who believe the crap.

I started wondering – why should a woman want a huge booster instead of normal buttocks? I suspect it is mainly something to do with satisfying the male ego. So most women oblige.

Men also waste a lot of their time wondering about the size, down there. The timeless question is – does size matter, or is it what you do with what you’ve got that matters? You get great laughs while in men’s public urinaries. Everyone holds his ka-thing as if he is holding the biggest third ‘leg’ in town. Implying that mine is bigger than yours. Very childish and amusing.

I wonder what women show off to each other when they are in the ‘ladies’ My bum is bigger than yours? My boobs are kiboko, than yours. They could feed six totos at a time!

It’s all human vanity, of course, I understand. But what I can’t understand in this ‘virginity’ thing. Even in the Holy Scriptures there is this ‘virginity’ thing. That when you go to heaven, you will be greeted by dozens of sexy virgins, ready to tear you apart.

It not that I don’t want to go to heaven. But the idea of being surrounded by dozens of virgins is, frankly, quite scary. Ask any honest man, meeting and entertaining a virgin is hard work. You have to be a mixture of a Casanova and a prize wrestler at the same times. Virgins? Not me!

Now when you are making sure of avoiding virgins at all cost, then you hear that there are women spending loads of money to buy creams to rub a woman’s you-know-where so that she gets back her virginity!

I mean, why spend all that money when they could simply buy a tube of Supa-Glue for 500 bob? Then they could be virgins again for a few bob. Of course we could have trouble when the woman decides to be ‘normal’ again.
Supa-Glue is a mother of all glues. How do you un-do it?

Maybe the women could borrow a tank from the army to blast off the offending glue from the ‘virgin’ who wants to have a normal sex life.

You wonder what’s next? Pills which will make one have multiple orgasms without having a partner? Wanking pills for kids who reach puberty? Bonga pills for men who find it a nightmare to seduce women. I am sure there are drugs to cure that, or are on their way

Privatised Bongo in 30 years time

In the next thirty years The United Republic of Tanzania might not look like it is now We will have gone though a successive regimes and presidents. I might even contemplate to become on of those presidents myself.

For - anyone can be a president. Right now the CCM government is fiercely resisting the number one issue of the Tanzanian democracy. It does not want independent candidates – a thing which is highly undemocratic, although we claim to be building a democracy.

As it is in Tanzania, democracy is only at play when and if the CCM wins. A reason which is ludicrous. But the CCM has its freedom, even if it means slowly to strangle itself. The people of Tanzania will not forget EPA, Richmond, Kiwira coal deposts and other scandals in a hurry. Those scandals were borne and nursed by CCM and its government, none
other!

And independent candidates are on their way – whether CCM likes it or not. I know that there are some CCM guys chafing under the guys who have bought out the CCM, not because of any higher ideal, but because they have the money. I know the good guys in the CCM resent it, but their party has been bought out by people whom polite society call ‘thugs in suits.’

CCM fears that if independent candidates are allowed the good guys in the CCM might opt to become independents, rather than be tarnished by thugs in suits.

But things will change – they will have to change! You just cannot dictate to the people of Tanzania to that extent. We have heard of politicians being booed in different fora. Those in power should know that the word ‘fisadi’ will not be out of fashion in the year 2010, elections.

If he independent candidate will enter the fray, then count my name in for president. You simply lie yourself to the top and promise Tanzanians things you will never deliver.

Now there is this selfish thing, which same call privatisation. I don’t mind privatisation – if it is done properly. Not like that joke at Kiwira coal mine. That is simply grabbing a coal mine.

I fear the next president and some minister might collude to cut out chunks of Tanzania for themselves. I wonder what the present president will fancy. Bagamoyo is a very historical town. Maybe our president, Jack Mrisho, might fancy it and say that from now on the historical town is actually his, through the Bagamoyo Heritage Company Ltd. If we want to visit it then the rest of us might pay in dollars.

Another president might fancy the Serengeti National Park and privatise it. We have to pay in dollars enter to see thw wildlife The next president might say he is in love with the Selous National Park. He will own Selous Game Park Company Ltd. and become partners with his family and girlfriends and a friendly minister of national resources and tourism.

The president of Zanzibar might say he has started the Stone Town Company Ltd. If you want to enter it, you must pay in dollars, of course. By the way I hear that the plum parts in Stone Town is slowly being bought out by the ruling class!

What will I fancy when I become the prez of the United Republic of Tanzania (If it is still there)?. Oh well, I will look at the Kilimanjaro National Park very closely.

We could privatise it and I will order that it be bought by the Roof of Africa Company Ltd. It will be owned my chick and I, of course. I will be in partnership with the then minister of natural resources and tourism.

In thirty years time Tanzanians will be owned by companies of former presidents and ministers who earlier had sworn that they will serve the country diligently and honestly, so help them God!

Chombezo la Adam Lusekelo

Nilikuwa nasikia mambo ya kutisha kuhusu ushirikina. Kuwa watu wanaenda kiwango kisichofikirika, ili kufikia malengo yao katika maisha. Wengi wanaenda kuloga.

Wanawake wengi wanaenda kuloga ili wapate wachumba. Wakimpata mchumba wanaenda kuloga ili mchimba asimwache. Nimeongea na wanaume wengi kwenye migahawa ambao wamekiri kuwa ndoa zao zimevunjika baada ya mzee kukuta tunguli zikining’inia chini ya kitanda cha maharusi. Nasikia wanawake wanapenda kuloga penzi, kusudi liwe moto moto na njemba isiangalie pembeni.

Wanaume wanaloga sana kupata vyeo. Sasa hivi wengi wa wanasiasa wetu wanalogana ili kushinda kwenye ubunge. Nasikia wakati wa kampeni za uchaguzi jamaa wanakuwa na ‘kamati ya ufundi’ ili kuloga watokeze washindi katika uchaguzi.

Unajua saikologia ya ulozi siyo ngumu sana. Wachawi wanaitumia kuweza kushitua akili zako, ili uweze kuamini kisichoaminika. Sasa kama akili yako itaamini kwa dhati kuwa ulozi huo utafanya kazi basi utajikuta kuwa kweli mambo yanaenda kama unavyotaka.

Mwaka 1905 mpaka 1907 wafuasi wa Kinjeketile waliambiwa na mchawi wao kuwa risasi za wakoloni wa Kijerumani zitakuwa maji, katika mapigano ikiwa watapiga ukulele ‘Maji! Maji! wakati risasi za Wajerumani zikirushwa katika vita hiyo ya ukombozi. Kwa hiyo wakathubutu.

Huo ushupavu haukutosheleza sana. Kwani silaha za wananchi hazikuwa bora. Katika mapambano unahitaji silaha zenye kufaa juu ya kuwa na ushupavu na nia ya kushinda.

Wapiganaji wa Mau Mau, nchini Kenya walikuwa wanakula kiapo cha ubongo wa msaliti aliyechinjwa mbele yao. Ubongo huo ulichanganywa na damu na kuliwa na makuruta wa Mau Mau huku wakiapa kuwa watamdunda Mwingereza na kuikomboa nchi yao.

Kuna limbwata. Mdada anaambiwa aweke kipande cha nyama sehemu zake za siri, halafu ampikie mpenzi wake. Akimlisha tu, basi jamaa ataharibikiwa. Na kweli akili ya yule mwanamke itashitushwa sana kumuona mpenzi wake anakula uchafu huo. Amethubutu na ataamini kuwa kuanzia wakati huo njemba hafurukuti.

Mwana siasa anaweza kupelekwa makabirini saa sita usiku na kukubali kunyolewa sehemu za siri ili ashinde. Kwa wanaume anaambiwa ukifanya kitu kisichofikirika, utakiwa tajiri wa kupindukia. Lakini wendawazimu wanaamini hiyo. Ndiyo maana unasikia mambo ya ajabu yakitokea katgika ushirikina.

Hivi sasa polisi mkoani Rukwa, wanamshikilia Afisa tabibu wa Hospitali ya Nkasi, kwa tuhuma ya kumnajisi mtotoo wake wa kike wa umri wa miaka mitano.

Inasemekana kuwa tukio hilo lilitokea usiku wa Agosti 29 mwaka huu, nyumbani kwa mtuhumiwa katika eneo la Isunta. Binti yake alipiga makelele kwa maumivu na majirani walikuja kumkamata na kumpeleka kituo cha polisi cha Namanyere.

Chizi huyo alivyoulizwa akasema kuwa alikuwa amelewa! Mimi nashangaa hata walimuuliza wa nini. Wangemkata kajambazi kake kanakomnning’inia hapo chini kwa sababu naona kalinfamya awe kichaa kabisa!

Nahisi sababu hasa ya kufanya kitendo hicho cha uovu ni kuwa mchawi wake alimpa masharti ya kupata utajiri. Tumesikia manbo mingi sana yasiyofikirika ambayo vichaa hao wanavifanya ili kupata eti utajiri. Wanaume wanaambiwa wawaue au wawabake mama zao wazazi, au watoto wao.

Mimi naona adhabu ya kifungo haitoshi. Tuanze kufikiria adhabu ya pale pale. Jamaa kama hawa wahasiwe. Siyo watu hawa. Kwani wala hata wanyama hawabaki watoto wao. Hio ni ugonjwa, na dawa yake ni kutoa hiyo sehemu inayoleta ugonjwa huo. Kama tunavyotoa jipu mwilini!

Malawi man conceals ex-wife's private parts

Police in Chileka, Blantyre have rearrested Samuel Mayinga for concealing his ex-wife's private parts through magic for going out with another ma, almost two years after he was arrested on same allegationsThe Malawi mystery

The ex-wife, Edina Lasitoni, reported to Chileka police last week that after assurances by her ex-husband in 2007 that he would free her from the magic spell, she only had sex with her new man for a couple of days before Mayinga allegedly ‘locked’ her again.

Chileka Police Station spokesperson Stella Ndelenga said police rearrested Mayinga last week and charged him with conduct likely to cause breach of peace. He is on remand at Chichiri Prisons and will appear in court on a date to be decided later.

Ndelenga said Mayinga did not meet the assurances he made to police in court in 2007 that he would free his ex-wife of the magic spell.

Ndelenga said Lasitoni only enjoyed her conjugal rights with her new husband for about three days before she was ‘locked’ again.

She said last December Lasitoni ended her relationship with the other man and reconciled with Mayinga on the understanding that he would ‘unlock’ her as per Mayinga’s demand.

“Surprisingly, after their reconciliation, every time Mayinga wanted to have sex with her, her private parts kept disappearing. Fed up with the situation, the woman chased Mayinga away,” Ndelenga said suggesting that Mayinga was failing to undo his magic.

Ndelenga claimed Mayinga, on his rearrest last week, pleaded with the police to accompany him to the bush to look for the concoction to unlock her. She said police refused because last time they did the same but it did not work.

Muhimbili: Payday! Payday!

I hear some ghosts are waltzing around the wards of the Muhimbili Medical Centre, busy doing nothing and just wasting the much-needed oxygen there.

I can take that. You see there are a lot of idlers waltzing in government offices, wasting time, talking hot air and consuming all that oxygen. What I can’t stand is that the bums are getting paid for it!

In its rare admission of government incompetence it has been found out that the government has paid money to ghosts. The ministry of education has 1,413 who have been paid serious moola – some Shs 3 billion shillings. Some guys in that ministry must be feeling very comfortable. That kind of money is nothing to sneeze at.

Even happier are guys in the ministry of health. Some 1,511 ghosts are taking it easy. Some Shs 4.5 billion has been chopped in the national hospital. I also can take that. That is peanuts compared to what the ghosts did to the Kagoda Investment robbery scheme where the country benefited with the disappearance of $40 million.

We must be a country of geniuses. How does the money just ‘melt’? Someone has suggested that the ghosts should be arrested post-haste. But there is something tricky here – how do you arrest ghosts?

One can’t see ghosts, although I swear I feel them when I enter most government offices. When your heart beats faster and you see those shifty-eyed looks from almost every official you meet.

Muhimbili boss, Prof Leonard Lema has refuted such claims about ghosts marching to his accounts offices and drawing salaries and perks. He asked the ministry of in the civil service, Dr (not yet) Hawa Ghasia to send him the names of the ghosts so that he can take steps to arrest the situation. He will have ghost handcuffs at the ready.

Now, anything can happen in Bongo. You could see names like Drs Kibasila, Mwaisela, Sewa Haji, Dr MOI, Dr Hematology, Dr OPeeDi, Dr Pediatrician and other distinguished doctors’ names in the pay-roll.

Others could be Dr I. Pullem (Dentist). This department must be also receiving a mouth-pong allowances to induce them not to run off to better paying jobs in Sausi. I hear some dead doctors are eligible for car loans. These doctors are never seen every day around Muhimbili. But their timing of being around on pay-day is legendary.

But you wonder how the government officers bless such ingenious ways of paying ghosts. Are the ghosts of Muhimbili, the ministry of education and Kagoda, in any way related? I think Tanzanians should be told. Because if they are, then Bongo is in trouble. We so far been cowed to submission into thinking that the owners of Kagoda are beyond reproach.

Govt to build pyramids in Dodoma

Okay, we know that human beings are all equal – or rather, are supposed to be equal. But over ages humanoids have come to realize that some human beings are more equal than others.

Now we are sure about that. Even in death there are others who are more equal than the rest of us. Those are the rulers of Tanzania. From now on the rulers will be dying in style.

Tanzania is to become the first East African country to build pyramids as official resting places for deceased and other great Tanzanians who have shaped the nations history.

Presently the government is looking for an international firm to provide a detailed design for a state-of-the-art cemetery at Iyumbu village in Tanzania’s unbuilt capital of Dodoma.

Sources say that Tanzania’s supplier-in-chief, Sailesh Vithlani, has shown vigorous interest to supply the super pyramid for the rulers. Sailesh Vilthani is of the radar rip-off repute.

He could use his vast experience to supply the entire TPDF with equipment and grease civil servants palms to get the DTRs grave contract. He could qualify as grave-digger-in-chief. Payment will be in dollars at an account in Switzerland.

The government has acquired 120 hectares of land for the purpose and the Prez, Jakaya has given the nod for the establishment of Dead Tanzanian Rulers burial (DTRs) Act.

The graveyard will take into account the religious customs of Muslims, Christians and others. For example, dead former leaders will be asked if they would prefer their graves to be air-conditioned or not, before they are buried.

The DTRs will also be supplied for the comforts of death while in their graves, including their conjugal rights, in the hereafter. Piped classical music will be connected to every grave

It is said that some of the rulers have been casting some envious eyes at the pharaohs of Egypt. They would also prefer to be mummified for posterity.

The rulers, who preferred anonymity, said that, like Egypt’s pyramids of Giza in Egypt, Tanzania could have the pyramids of Dodoma. In 4,000 years’ time Dodoma could be a bustling pyramid site which will attract millions of tourists. The DTRs will be comfortably waiting to be discovered by the archeologists of the day – just like the pharaohs.

Critics have pooh-poohed the whole idea as a waste of time and resources. “The biggest problem could be getting those dead Tanzanian leaders in the first place. With dead rulers, it’s fine. But I am not so sure about dead Tanzanian leaders.” said an analyst.

He said another problem could be who will make it to the comforts of the pyramids of Dodoma. “The monied traders have bribed and compromised their way into ruling party. It now belongs to them. They might also sneak into the pyramids of Dodoma and pretend that they qualify to be buried there as EPA heroes. In Tanzania anything is possible.” Said an observer.

Chombezo la Adam Lusekelo

Aliyekuwa Rais wa nchi ya Peru, Marekani ya Kusini, Alberto Fujimori amebamizwa lupango miaka sita – kuna kesi zingine zinakuja. Amehukumiwa hivyo kwa kutumia vibaya madaraka.

Mpaka sasa tunadhani hayo hayawezi kutokea Bongo. Lakini huko ni kudhani tu. Yatatokea siku moja. Lazima tuanze kuulizana maswali. Siyo watu wanaapa kuitumikia nchi yao kwa uadilifu halafu wanaanza ufisadi na uonevu wa watu wao na kuuza nchi yao kipande hadi kipande.

Fujimori pia alikabiliwa na mashitaka ya kuteka nyara maadui wake, ufisadi na hata kutoa amri ya kuua kwa watu waliokuwa wakimpinga kisiasa. Akipatikana na hatia anaweza kupumzika lupango kwa miaka hadi 30.

Mbabe huyo alikuwa akitawala nchi hiyo ya Peru kama shamba lake binafsi. Kwanza wananchi walivyopamba moto alikimbilia Japan ambako ukoo wake ulitokea. Lakini alivyorudi marekani ya kusini tu alirudishwa Peru, na hatimaye alipelekwa kortini na sasa yuko lupango.

Sawa kabisa! Ni kwamba haiwezekani mijambazi miongo ikajiingiza katika siasa za nchi kilaghai na kuapa itawatumikia wananchi wa Tanzania. Ikishapata hizo ofisi, mara nyingi kwa kununua kura au kuhonga, inaiba kifashisti!

Halafu kuna kulindana sana, nchi hii. Naambiwa kuwa miaka mitatu hii watu walikuwa wanalipa fadhila kwa watu waliochangia katika uchaguzi uliopita. Mimi siiti kuchangia, naita magendo. Kuhonga. Unahonga chama tawala, kinakupa ofisi halafu unaanza kuiba kama huna akili nzuri.

Sijui jamaa hawa wanatuona sisi mimbunju? Wanatuona sisi mabwege kweli kweli! Mafala wa kutupa! Na mwisho ya yote – tutawafanya nini? Wao wana mabunduki.

Ukihutubia wananchi unakuwa umezunkukwa na FFU wenye urefu wa futi nane, wameshika mabunduki na marungu. Nani atafanya fyoko?

Lakini dikteta Ferdinad Marcos wa Ufilipino pia alikuwa na askari wa kuzuia fujo wenye futi nane, mabunduki na marungu. Lakini wananchi wakamwambia aambae tu. Mwisho nchi ikawa haitawaliki.

Mwisho bwana Marcos akaita jeshi. Wanajeshi wakaja na mabunduki na vifaru na sura za kibaghaili kweli. Wananchi hawakujali. Eti jeshi lilioloapa kulinda mipaka ya nchi linatumiwa kuwatishia wananchi. Watu wakawazomea na kuwaambia wawauwe tu.

Masista wakawa wanazunguka vufaru hivyo na kuweka mauwa kwenye mitutu ya mabunduki ya wanajeshi hao. Askari wakaanza kuona nishai- utapigaje risasi masista? Marcos akaachia ngazi.

Hapa Afrika Frederick Chiluba alijiona mjanja huko Zambia. Ufisadi huo huo. Alijifanya kaokoka. Katika mlokole huyo hakuona kibaya akiiba dola 48 milioni za waZambia. Na hakuamini alipovishwa pingu na kupelekwa mahakamani! Aliyekuwa mbabe huyo sasa ana ugonjwa wa presha kali na wasiwasi. Inabidi kila wakati apelekwa kutibiwa huko Afrika Kusini,

Bongo jamaa wametulia tuli - wanauza nchi tu. Tutawafanya nini? Sisi wananchi tunafanywa mibwege. Lakini iko siku tutaanza kuulizana maswali.

Of leaders and rulers

When we are born, human kinds first think about ourselves. Me. My mother, then my father. But the paramount thing is me. Selfishness is inherent in us from day one.

Then when the brood starts to grow and you find yourself with brothers and sisters. You start to be taught by your parent that there is this business of sharing. Watch all kids – they just don’t like it. They want the ‘me’ aspect.

Then you are taken to school and decent teachers drum in the sharing aspect into your little head. In our primary school report every end of the term there was this line - consideration for others.

School succeeded to remove the ‘me’ in some of us, at least to a decent extent. But not to most of us. We grew up with ‘me’ until we became adults and assumed public office. They call it public office, but to most guys it simply means the opposite. It becomes a private office.

So if it is ‘my’ office, how can I ‘eat’ it? If that hangover of selfishness stays with in you to adulthood you are going to be more susceptible to corruption.

You want all the money in the world to be yours, all the chicks or guys to be yours and all the lavish attention to be yours. You might be 50 years old but the child in you is still intact. You are a middle aged fake and a thief. You could look dapper and in smart suits, but you are still a thief.

When you are given public office it’s even worse. You start assuming airs and arrogance sets in. Because suddenly you have toughs guarding your every move, protecting your home and family. You might end up chasing away your own aunt from the village who comes to your place without an appointment. It has happened before.

Now to some of us spectators of this human farce there comes in the question of language. The media casually call these human clowns ‘leaders’.

Not me. Leader comes from the word ‘lead’. To lead you are supposed to show an example so that the decent people you are leading acknowledge and follow your example.

I was a great admirer of the late Mwalimu Nyerere. The moment you met him you realised that he was a human being. A great man, but a human being. That was leader and a half. Some people even went to ridiculous levels of aping even the way he spoke.

Mwalimu basically despised money and concentrated in the business of running the country. Sometimes making wrong decisions. He mostly admitted when he goofed and said he was only human.

But now Tanzanians are getting very short of leaders. Leaders are an endangered species! The are some guys who think leadership is about body guards and parades. I call those guys ‘rulers’ not leaders. They like to show muscle, pomp and circumstance. But they steal tax-payers money like hell! They steal from us.

How could you name a thief a leader? We cannot follow that example. Tanzanians cannot all be thieves. Some of us were decently brought up. We have a conscience. We were constantly taught that it is wrong to steal!.

Today it is chic for thieves to call themselves ‘leaders’ I cannot admire that. They can steal and rule with guns. My question always is: How many eggs do they eat at one breakfast sitting - a hundred?

Being gentlemanly with crooks

“It was pure forgery. It is a criminal offence according to the law these people should have been arraigned. I am not satisfied with how the president handled the issue. We cannot run this country with double standards!”

Not me speaking – lest I be called a trouble-maker. It none other than Dr.Wilbrod Slaa, the Chadema, Secretary-General. “You can’t take to court someone who has stolen just Sh 5,000 and let free those stealing billions from our banks. These are double standards!” Dr Slaa went on bitterly.

But I have a word for him. You see, there are some people, especially within the ranks of the rulers of this country, who simply don’t look good in being behind bars.

These guys live in air-conditioned homes, wear natty suits, work in air-conditioned offices, are driven in air-conditioned cars and even have air-conditioned friends in high places. So they are used to air-conditioning.

Now according to reasoning in high places these air-conditioned unarmed robbers cannot go to jail. This is because Segerea remand prison or any other jail in Bongo do not have air-conditioning.

Also our unarmed crooks who have raided the BoT also tend to smell great. They use the best colognes and after shaves money can buy. According the thought at the top, you just cannot throw those air-conditioned crooks to mix with the stinking wretched of the earth who are manning our prisons. Donors will simply not like it.

Dr Slaa should know that jails are for crooks! And those guys who did in billions are…er, well, air-conditioned crooks. Now there is a difference there, I hasten to add. It is not that they have not been punished.

You see the air-conditioned gentlemen who robbed BoT have been punished real badly. For one, they have been given crippling punishment like being forced to surrender their passports. This means they will not be flying abroad to go and buy their natty suits and perfumes.

Another punishment is that their air-conditioned houses and cars have been seized. The air-conditioned crooks are painfully wincing under the tough punishment meted by our no-nonsense government.
The air-conditioned crooks have been banned from riding air conditioned cars. They have also been banned from spraying perfume to their well shaven faces.

Another punishment is that the crooks have been banned from socialising with their air-conditioned friends.

So Dr Slaa should know that punishment is punishment. If you don’t know anybody and you steal Sh5,000, you go straight to Segerea remand jail.

If you steal billions and have air-conditioned friends at the top, then our government comes in heavily and punishes you. No air-conditioned cars and no using to your using your passport to go shopping abroad! Very strict, our government is.

Madness and religious crap!

Recently some well-dressed religious types, holding bibles, went outside the Dar’s Julius Nyerere International Airport. The guys were praying and waiting to fly to Europe and the Far East to preach the gospel - minus their passports and other travel documents. They were nuts, of course!

The seventeen men, woman and an innocent child, have been sleeping rough outside the airport for days. The madmen came to the airport complete with their own luggage: “We have no passports or air tickets just our Bibles. God sent us here to go and spread his word and we are waiting to go to the areas he wishes. We will fly to different destinations.” one of them said.

Human beings are very gullible animals. That’s why there are religions, politicians and con-men. Many people are easily deceived. Millions are told and promised rubbish and they believe it.

Some of them reach a point of even committing suicide, believing that they are going to heaven. In Uganda, on March 17,2000, some murderous nut in Uganda calling himself a preacher locked his 500 followers in church and burned them to death. The murderous cult leader believed the end of the world had come.

At the end of last year, some guys in Kyela district were told –and believed – that Jesus Christ himself would land in a special Air Tanzania flight to the village of Tenende near Kyela.

The dum dums has sold their property and went to the village to wait for Jesus Christ to come and pick them up. Of the Messisah flight was cancelled (Any Time Cancelled)

In the US another cult leader, Jim Jones led his ‘flock’ of 1,200 people to their death. He decided that the end of the world was then. He made a cocktail laced with deadly cyanide and all of them died excruciating deaths. Simply madness!

The religionists are now being a pest. Near where I live there used to be a club. We used to boogie the night away decade ago. Now it has been taken over by the religionists. Their main job is, not to preach the teachings of Christ, but to frighten their followers.

They talk about witchcraft, that they can raise people from the dead, they can bring jobs, the single woman and men are told that they will get husbands and wives. Whackos are told they have devils. That the devils will be exorcised from their bodies and all such rubbish. The hilarious part of it is that the people believe that nonsense and actually pay for it.

One lady religionist once came to me while I was having a drink in a nearby watering hall. “I have watched you and God has said to me that he loves you.” The lady said.

“I know that. I love him too. He has been very nice to me.” I replied.
“God loves you and I will pray for you.”
“Here in the bar?”
“Yes I will pray for you right here.”
“No way, dada. You go to pray for me in your church.” I told her. The born-again left looking very disappointed.

I sat wondering, was the lady trying to tell me that God loves or did she simply have a crush on me?

Monkey wees on Zambian President Rupia Banda


A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he held a news conference on the economy in the capital Lusaka.
Journalists laughed as Mr Banda jokingly remonstrated with the offender: "You [monkey] have urinated on my jacket." Impeccable sources have said that the opposition parties in Tanzania are thinking of importing the Zambian chimps and stationing them at Ikulu in Dar es Salaam

Recycled human peee... Cheee-e-rs!

The crew of the International Space Station (ISS) have celebrated a new on-board water system by raising a toast of their own recycled urine.
They clinked their water bags together and said "cheers", after thanking ground control.
Pictures courtesy of NASA.

Cow urine juice in India!

A new soft drink made from cow's urine may be launched in India by a hard line Hindu group known for their opposition of Western food imports.
The manufacturers say small quantities of the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases.
An officer in charge of the manufacturing unit in Kanpur said the product will be sold nationwide and that it will beat other soft drinks.

Opinion polls? What opinion polls?

They in their dying days, those political fakes. They are now desperately trying to stay on the centre stage of the Tanzanian political scene. They have been bankrolling some ‘opinion polls’ to show who is still in the national psyche. They are the political kaputniks. They cannot accept the fact that they are finished. That they are history!

But not to them. In a definitely warped figment of their imagination they imagine that they still are names to be reckoned with. They hallucinate that they matter to the existence of the United Republic of Tanzania. I strong feel that those disgraced thugs who still buy their way to stay in the limelight should be taken to the Muhimbili Psycho Ward. I think they need medical attention.

Now they start crap called ‘opinion polls’. We know that those opinion pollsters are so juiced up in the filthy fisadi lucre that it is embarrassing. But then, these are the times of buying and selling of the media hacks to the highest bidder. What with the civic and general elections on the way?

The smart reader will, of course, be very wary of those ‘opinion polls’ full of those political thugs desperately in need of credibility. It is just a white wash. It’s like telling the people of Tanzania that nothing happened in the Richmond scandal, EPA money was not stolen, Meremeta is a children’s rhyme and the BoT twin-towers are parts in a game of logo!

Of course I could read about opinion polls in more decent societies. But
our ‘opinion polls’ simply stink to high hell. Who commissioned them? In which areas of the country where was the smelly opinion polls made? Who funded them?

To me it sounds like those ‘polls’ are fisadi oriented. You hire a couple of greedy journos of doubtful repute (nina watoto bwana!). Then you juice them up a little with ‘nauli’, and they will be praise-singing about how pretty you are. You can see it almost everywhere and we will be seeing even more of the rubbish as we head towards the elections next year.

But, what do people really think of different members of society? The Chinese outlook could be a curious example. China's prostitutes are better-trusted than its politicians and scientists, according to an online survey published by Insight China magazine.

The survey found that 7.9% of respondents considered sex workers to be trustworthy, placing them third behind farmers and religious workers.
"A list like this is at the same time surprising and embarrassing," said an editorial in the state-run China Daily.

Politicians were far down the list, closer to scientists and teachers.
Insight China polled 3,376 Chinese citizens in June and July this year.
"The sex workers' unexpected prominence on this list of honour... is indeed unusual," said the China Daily editorial.

"At least [the scientists and officials] have not slid into the least credible category which consists of real estate developers, secretaries, agents, entertainers and directors," the editorial said. Soldiers came in fourth place.

Maybe those are the ‘opinion polls’ we ought to have. Instead of tarting up
failed politicians with questionable mental dispositions who should ask the people questions like – who would you trust more, a Kinondoni prostitute (CD) or a politician promising nirvana to Tanzanianss next year?