Fried fish a la John Pombe!

Hurray! I hear that the ministry of livestock development, fisheries and is giving out fish - gratis. Courtesy to the exploits of the minister himself, John Pombe Magufuli and his brilliant shock troops within his ministry.


The fish was impounded by the ministry after they caught Philipino pirates off the coast of Tanzania. Immediately the ministry got ‘creative’ and after 5 month of being stored in some cold-storage in Mwenge at a privately-owned set-up the fish is now given out free of charge and the government is left with a tidy debt of $1.18 million. The rest is ancient history.

But, wait for one big, fat minute. There has been another hiccup. No free fish has been given out. It seems that the ministry’s brilliant bureaucrats cannot even give the chow free.

I take back what I said earlier that the fish should have been auctioned five months ago, that would have been a momentous job. Now I am told that even giving it away free is another problem. Maybe we should call the donors to help. Let’s face it guys, we cannot even give free fish to people.

It’s quite a lot of fish, John and his super intelligent shock troops are trying to give out – some 296.32 plus tonnes of tuna (jodari). I have had a bit of tuna steaks before (definitely not from John’s ministry). But you cannot just grill 296.32 tonnes of the stuff. Cooking oil is in very short supply in Bongo. If you want to grill it, you will destroy half the Sao Hill forest reserve.

But not to worry too much. My spies in the ministry of livestock development and fisheries have hinted to me that John and his staff have been burning the mid-night oil manufacturing a special menu on how to do the tuna for those who manage to get the fish.

I hear not much time has been spent on writing the prisoners’ menu. Their fish will just be boiled with a pinch of salt and some ugali. That should do. If they protest the jailbirds will be told that under no circumstances will their tuna be seasoned. If they say ‘fyoko’ the fish will be withdrawn and they could go back to the diet they are used to – ugali and rotten beans!

For schools the dentis will get their fish seasoned an onion or two for a school of 600 students. If I know the ministry well, the whole lot of the fish will be pinched by headquarters staff. I mean if they steal exams year in and year out, and steal scholarships for their kids, girlfriends and boyfriends, what stops them from stealing tuna?

And hospitals? That will be the easy one. When the technocrats of Muhimbili are asked how come there is not even a whiff of tuna smell in the wards at he hospitals there will always be an answer. An elaborate report will be written that there has been an outbreak of an unidentifiable disease. That there have been sudden losses of appetite at the referral hospital and in frustration the fish have escaped into the Indian Ocean again.

But for the high echelons in society, they will be given a special menu for them to ‘taste’ the tuna. One of the biggies’ wives would be advised to make some stir fried Indian Ocean tuna steak a la John Pombe.

State House cooks could be advised to present to mzee some Indian Ocean tuna fish done in coconut sauce and Ubwabwa. I also
guess the Bunge will want to have an explanation about swimming dead tuna fish from Muhimbili. What John’s ministry could do is suggest a heavy menu for the Parliamentarians.
It could consist of John Pombe’s succulent tuna chunks, marinated in thick Tamarind sauce and chapatis to be washed down with chilled dry Dodoma white wine. That could put MP’s in a more agreeable frame of mind to hear his story and momentous goofs.

A sucker is born every minute!

It must be the abject poverty we are facing as a country. Tanzania now sounds, Haiti the world’s poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. Nearly the entire country seems to run out of ideas to think. Now we are drifting en masse into superstition. Uchawi.

Every conman is on a feeding frenzy in Tanzania. And I mean every con-man is on the take. Most politicians jive us nearly everyday and some bums seems to believe the rubbish. A Bunge Committee finds out some blatant thievery over our Richmond racket, the proof is there and the culprits of the racket say that is not true – without batting a lid.

We, the suckers seem to agree with the hogwash. The racketeers arrogantly say they don’t believe in the report from the waBunge. They want a group of judges to prove them innocent, looking very ridiculous in the process.

Now they want a group of prophets to come from heaven and deny that there has been heavy thieving. Oh, the game is being played all over the country. Someone had suggested that the entire deals on mining in the country be re-examined. This is good thinking, of course.

But there is a deliberate attempt to scupper the whole deal. We Tanzanians take the crap with great joy. In the land deals we are busy giving out lands, to foreigners, eti, to increase our agricultural potential which is performing abysmally. We simply give fancy names like ‘kilimo kwanza’.

But one would have at least thought that there are things which are home grown – like juju. Every country has its home-grown version of juju. Not in Bongo. We have mostly fake rulers, fake policies and we have now even fake jujumen.

I have known about fake religionists, religious con-men, who yell about ‘sacrifice’. In short, is you give them money and you will be blessed by the Almighty. One wonders, just who gave them the power to cut a deal between you and the Almighty God?

Notice how many churches have sprouted in the country? Maybe the government should encourage this entrepreneurship (ujasiria mali) It is easy to analyse those things. Some guys think there is a short-cut to religious nirvana. Just keep bribing the guys who call themselves his shepherds and everything will be hunky-dory for you. You can bribe the mere mortals here on earth, but can you bribe God?

And now enterprising Tanzanian con-men have already taken a leaf from the religious con-men. It have been rumored that Nigerian con-men are very good at what they do. They are on first names terms with the Almighty.

They sound like what you hear in those churches which sprout like mushrooms. You want a husband? Everyone knows that young damsels in distress are desperate to get married.

But life is not that easy and young men are reluctant to get hitched. So they run off to some ‘church’ to give money to con-men so that they can get a ‘husband’. In most cases the ‘husbands’ ends up being the one yelling about knowing God on the first name basis. The so-called Nigerian juju men do exactly the same. Ask some conned girls and they will tell you about their horror stories.

People are jobless, the con-men will get you a job instantly – but for a substantial dollop of money. A girl want a baby, instead of going to check out with a gyno, she goes to some religious con-man and he mostly ends up providing stud services for the chick.

And since there is a sucker born every minute, a con-man called Fataki, in Dar es Salaam changes his name and becomes Babatunde Oyawole, from Nigeria, ready to make young girls pregnant for a hefty fee. Gigolos in the name of the Lord!

It’s a mixture of abysmal ignorance and plain stupidity which feeds on the victims. By the by, have you noticed that it’s mostly women who fall victims to those con-men. They steal the little money the have from their families, only to go and hand it over to the combined religious and so-called juju men.
I also hear that religious con-men travel to West Africa to go and get juju so that they get many worshipers, which means more sacrifices. Just remembers that for anyone calling for sacrifice, you should know that there are a group of guys who grow fabulously rich eating those sacrificial offerings – tax free!

Happy New Year! ... Maybe!

So the president of Unguja, Amani Abeid Karume and the de facto Pemba boss, have suddenly decided to kiss and make up, after a bitter struggle in the politics of the Zanzibar? Just like that?

And the rest of us are supposed to raise our hands in praise of the Almighty God. Not me. I find it very difficult to suddenly start believing in political miracles. How do we record this for posterity?

That it was a lovely morning in Zenj, as the glorious sun was rising from the East, the air in Zenj was pungent with the aroma of exotic spices, and maandazi, as Mzee, Dr, Bwana Mkubwa suddenly felt the need to phone his rival.

Imagine this:“Assalam Aleykum, Maalim.”
“Aleykum Salaam. Whatever you say, you stole the votes in 1995, you stole the votes 2000 and in 2005. So there!” the maalim’s eyes glow with evil intentions.
“Who’s talking about rigging elections? I am talking about a very serious matter here. I am talking about the expulsion of dudus.”
“What dudus? No Amani, you are not getting away with it this time, dudus or not!”
“Listen man. I am inviting you to attend my awarding of a PhD in mosquito expulsion from the Zanzibar Islands. I will get the doctorate from the Kairuki University Hospital in Dar is Ssalaam.”
“Kariuki Hospital? Surely it should be in Nairobi…” corrects the maalim.
“No, Professor Kairuki memorial hospital in Dar and maalim, I have other goodies to offer you and your buddies in the CUF.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” asks the maalim, who suddenly gets very keen to hear the Zenj president’s story. The Zenj president inches closer and whispers something into the maalim’s ear.

Suddenly he maalim is all teeth, any dentist would love that. “Say no more Amani, say no more. We will discuss the rest of the deal at the Prof Kariuki Memorial Hospital in Dar iss Ssalaam…” says Dr Shamhuna who is the deputy chief minister in Zenj. “Dr Kairuki,” Corrects Dr Shamsi Nahodha Vuai, the Chief Minister.

Impeccable sources in the Zanzibar swear that they do not know what deal has been cut amongst the heavyweights in the Zenj political establishment.

A cheeky observer, wearing a barghashiyeh, was seen thinking aloud:“These guys have been jockeying for positions in the next government. The thing is about who will be the next generation of eaters next year.’ The man was last seen being escorted with men wearing, SMGs, RPGs, tear-gas bombs, stun guns and other anti- personnel paraphernalia.

The crap of labeling people

I have been watching it with apprehension – this habit, by our media, of labeling people according to their position in government. A former goat herder rapidly changes his position and becomes minister so-and-so. Why isn’t he called goat herder so-and so?

Right now we have guys calling themselves ‘engineers’. CCM secretary-general Uncle Joe Makamba is a sexagenarian,yet he is still a lieutenant. One wonders when he will make it to captain. Captains George Mkuchika John Chiligati still think like socialist cadres. The guys haven’t heard that the internet has been around for the past 40 years.

Frankly, I don’t mind guys applying mascara and other make-up to their names to make them sound impressive. I just ignore that crap. But, maybe I heard wrong, even the Speaker of Parliament, Sam Six called the media and denied that he was “after former prime minister Ted Lowasa’s job as prime minister.”

Right now the wags on both side of the political divide are busy throwing mud at each other – to the delight of the rest us Wananchi. I frankly never knew that there were foul mouthed thugs with their basketfuls of money doing anything they can do to smear the good guys in the party.

Look at the lies the utterances of the Dar es Salaam CCM Secretary, Kilunde Ng’emda and CCM chairman, Johyn Guninita swearing that the IPP boss is not a members of the CCM. It’s so gross. Then after their political masters corrected them, they come in with a groveling apologetic letter. Eti secretary, eti, chairman. Those ignoramuses don’t even know their own party members. Or, one could say they went into strategic amnesia, when it came to Reginald Mengi’s membership. Thus goes the power of money!

Everyone knows that they are the thieves in some circloes of the CCM.. Everyone knows that they are desperately trying to call the shots in the party. They have bought some starving MPs but not all. Some have stood their ground and thumb their noses at the rich fisadis. And now the knives are out.

Crap like, Sam Six is gunning for Ted Lowasa’s job. A load of bull crap, of course. Nobody, but nobody ‘owns’ a job of president, prime minister, minister or any position in the Tanzania political establishment. This is never a monarchy. The great English playwright, William Shakespeare summed the entire game up: The world is a stage, you come and do your gig and as the curtain falls, bow out your adieu. Kwisha!

In fact Sam Six should not have given the rubbish from the CCM money bags even the honour of replying to that accusation. I mean what is wrong with aspiring to be a president, or prime minister or a minister or staying as a goat herder - and good luck to you with the in-coming El Nino?
Tanzanians should know that no one owns a ‘title’ in our land. The politicians actually encourage people to adorn them with mascara and make-up in their titles. The latest mascara application to the faces of our politicians is the PhD. All that is just childish vanity.

Si ujana au uzee, ni uadilifu!

Wala tusijidanganye kuwa tukia na watawala vijana ndiyo mambo yatakuwa safi kabisa Tanzania. Akizungumza na njini Dar es Salaam na vijana kutoka nchi mbalimbali za Afrika wakishiriki katika mpango wa kulea Uongozi wa Afrika (African Leadership Initiative) Rais Kikwete alisema kuwa vijana ndiyo Tanzania ya kesho na kama haikuweza kuwawekeza vya kutosha katika vijana wao na maendeleo yao, basi itakuwa haiwezi katika hali yake ya baadaye.

Rais Kikwete aliondoa kusikia kwa wachambuzi wa habai kama ataendelea na urais au hapana. Inaonekana ataendelea. Amesema akiendelea basi atawachngamkia vijana katika uongozi nchini.

Nakubali. Na maneno haya niliyasikia zamani sana – kuwa eti sisi ni taifa la kesho, eti sisi na tegemeo la nchi yetu tukufu Tanzania. Lakini rika langu limeangalia na kutafakari na kuona mambo yanavyokwenda na tukagundua kuwa yote hayo yalikuwa danganya toto.

Hapa tunazungumzia kuhusu madaraka. Na kitu madaraka ni simi inayokata pande zote mbili. Ni kali sana. Ukichukua vijana, mimi naona, ukimwondoa Hayati Baba wa Taifa, Mwalimu Nyerere, Mzee Rashid Kawawa, Mzee Abdul Sykes na wengine wachache wasiofika kumi, watu hawa waliochukua madaraka ujanani, ni wachache sana waliobaki kuwa ‘watu wa kawaida’.

Nilibahatika kuwaona wote kwa karibu sana wakati mimi nilivyokuwa kadogo. Mpaka walivyostahafu walikuwa wako vile vile, ila umri ndiyo ulionyesha, siyo kwa kusem hovyo, bali kwa busara zao.

Leo uzao wetu umeanza kunyemelea uzeeni. Wenzetu wengine wamepata madaraka makubwa sana. Lakini mimi nawaona wale wale. Wengine hawna taabu, lakini wengine wamekuwa vichaa kabisa. Wamelewa madaraka kabisa! Mpaka imefikia kuwa leo ukiwaona mafree wa Pugu unawakimbia kwa aibu.

Nikaanza kuwauliza wenzangu – hivi kwa nini wale wanamapinduzi tuliokuwa nao shule, tukaapa kufa kuikomboa Tanzania wamebadilika manna hiyo? Kwa ujumla tukagundua kuwa wengi wenye majidai ya kitoto na kijinga walikuwa wametokea kwenye kwenye nyumba za tembe kule kwao. Wametokea kwenye umasikini wa kutisha. Aliyepafanya mpaka waone shule alikuwa ni Baba wa Taifa na siasa yake ya elimu kwa wote. Hivi hivi wangekuwa wanachunga mbuzi kwao tu.

Kwa hiyo vijana hao, ambao sasa wamekuwa madarakani wanadiriki hata kumponda Mwalimu, kwa kuwawezesha kusoma shule na sasa wanataka kuwa viongozi. Kwa babau za kisaikologia baado wanaukimbia ule umasikini waliokuwa nao kabla hawajakuwa wamekombolewa na limu hiyo.

Kwa hiyo nyumba moja haitoshia, bali nyumba nane. Gari moja halitoshi ila magari kumi. Watoto kusoma Tanzania haiwezekani ni Ulaya. Mabinti zao wakipata chunusi puani, hakuma hospitali Tanzania, mpaka aende ulaya au sausi. Huo unaitwa ulimbukeni na siku hizi utauona sana kwa hao wanaoitwa vijana.

Na kijana ni kijana. Anataka wanawake wote wawe wake, ukimtaka mmoja utafukuzwa kazi. Majina mengi ninayo ya uhuni wanaofawanya hao wanaoitwa vijana wanaowaonea wenzao kwa mambo ya kupuuzi. Njemba imeshindwa kubonga, basi inaondoa upinzani kwa kumfukuza kazi mwenzake anayeshinda.

Kazi hawezi, lakini kwa sababu ni mtoto wa fulani, basi anaendelea kumbandikwa katika cheo hicho. Naona wengine wananing’inia kwa majina ya baba zao. Kwani Mwalimu na Mzee Kawawa walitegemea majina ya Baba zao?

Uchizi huo ukiendelea Africa itaanza kutawaliwa na watoto wa marais wa sasa. Usultani umeanza Gabon, Misri, Mzee Museveni nae anataka kufanya maajabu huko Uganda.

Tunachotaka ni viongozi wenye busara, siyo uzee au ujana. Kuna wazee wahuni na utawaambia vile vile. Na kuna vijana, na wao ndiyo wanaweza kuwa waharibifu zaidi. Nao tutawazomea vile vile.
Kwani hivi sasa, Tanzania inaburuzwa na matapeli walichache wenye hela ambao wanataka kuteka nyara nchi yetu. Ni wazee wale? Si vijana majambazi, wenye vijisenti tu, ambao wamekinunua chama tawala?

Wacha tu waendelee kuzipiga

Wiki mbili hizi kumekuwa na bonge la burudani kisiasa nchini kwetu. Mimi binafsi nimekuwa ni mmoja wa wananchi wanaoona kuwa mgogoro unaoendelea kwa upande fulani unamaslahi kwa WaTanzania. Nimekuzwa katika utamaduni wa kama mtu anataka kukuuzia ubabe wa kijinga na usiokuwa wa maana, basi kwanza mnatoka nje, mnananesa kwa ngumi na mateke, na atakayetoka na nundu shauri lake.

Nakumbuka, marehemu rafiki yangu mpenzi alikuwa akiwakatisha tama maadui zetu waliokuja na ngumi mkononi kwa kuwaambia kuwa ‘kupigana ni njia ya washenzi ya kupatana’

Wengine wamesema kuwa mgogoro unaotokea hivi sasa katika chama tawala ni wa kitoto. Mimi ninauangalia kimtizamo mwingine. Hao tunaowaita wazee nao pia walikuwa vijana siku moja. Wengine walikuwa hivyo hivyo, waadilifu, watu wa kuheshimika na watu poa kwa ujumla.

Wengine walikuwa chakaramu, wahuni, majitu ya hovyo kwa ujumla. Ila tu umri umewafanya walainike na kuficha makucha yao ya uzeeni. Lakini ukiwakwarua kidogo tu, wazee hao, wanarudia uchakaramu ule ule, na ukimuingilia hovyo atakupiga mabichwa usiyotegemea.

Sema tu wanatumia muda usiokubalika. Ukimuiona kijana asiyeenda disco akiwa na umri wa miaka 20 na, na kukimbizana na wenzie wa rika lake basi ujue kuna tatizo hapo. Na ukiona mzee wa miaka 55 anakwenda disco na kuanza kufukuzana na vijukuu vyake – eti wapenzi wake, napo hapo kuna matatizo makubwa.

Sasa tangu kupata uhuru, tumekuwa na chama kimoja cha siasa, ambacho kimefinyangwa kwa kiasi kikubwa na Baba wa Taifa, Hayati, Mwalimu Julius Nyerere. Ni yeye aliyekipa chama hicho heshima kubwa, kwanza kabisa kwa kujiheshimu yeye mwenyewe na kuwaheshimu wananchi wa Tanzania.

Wakati wa uhai wake, alisema tena na tena, umuhimu wa chama kuwa cha wakulima na wafanya kazi wa Tanzania. Aliwatilia ngumu sana majambazi yaliyotumia fedha kukinunua chama hicho. Lakini baada ya ya kumgoja Mwalimu apite njia yake hapa Ulimwenguni, majambazi hayo ya kisiasa, yameamua kuiteka nyara nchi nzima. Ndiyo wote huu ugomvi wao na vikaragosi vyao unaoendelea dhidi ya Watanzania.

Wengine wanasema kuna uwezekano wa chama tawala kugawanyika. Mimi sioni ubaya wowote kwa hilo. Ila ningependa wabunge mashujaa wenye kuipenda nchi yao wasiachie ngazi, hata wakidhalilishwa namna gani na wababe wa ‘Misheni Kota’ (Mission Quarters) Ilala, kama Sophia Simba na kundi lake. Wacha wababe, wao ndiyo waondoke na kuanzisha chama chao cha mafisadi.

CCM si chama kibaya. Ila kuna uchafu ambao unamahela, ambao wanataka kuendelea kufanya na kuendelea kufanya uovu wao kudhalilisha Tanzania. Majambazi hayo wacha yaendelee kuihujumu nchi yetu na tuone yatafika wapi. Hawawezi kundi la majambazi likaendelea kudhalilisha utu wa Watanzania kwa vipande 50 vya fedha.

Hali hii ya kuiendesha chi yetu kama gari bovu, haitaruhusiwa kuendelea milele. Hata Mwenyezi Mungu hatakubali uonevu huu. Mapambano yaendelee tu. Watanzania wanawajua mashujaa wao!

Sophia runs away with her mouth!

Lovely times. The general population has been beyond themselves in the on-going game of powers shortage. Instead of getting electricity and power we have been getting plenty of hot air from an assortment of clowns masquerading as politicians.

While different government departments have been playing ping-pong on the electricity games, others have started hallucinating. Just the day before yesterday, the Prez Jack Mrisho, complained that he does not get enough support from foreigners in his struggle against grand graft, except the Brits and their Serious Fraud Unit, his inappropriately called minister of good governance, Sophia Simba has sworn that there is nothing with thosassociated with high doubtful deeds including high graft.

Sophia finds former attorney General Andy Chenge, squeaky clean. The minister of inappropriately called ‘good governance’ has been embattled for quite some time. But one thing one would say one admires is that she can utter some untruths without batting a lid. That is the Almighty Lord’s greatest gift to womanhood. I mean, how would you take this maza, when she goes before Mzee Mwinyi tribunal and say that all those CCM hero MP who refuse to be manipulated by the moneyed rich guys in the party are themselves fisadis?

She defended chief suspects, Rostam Aziz, Ted Lowassa, Nizar Karamagi, Andy Chenge among others, as the angels in the midst of the Tanzania society. Which is rubbish, of course. The minister of the inappropriately called ‘good governance’ is simply trying to insult the intelligence of the Tanzania people. If she was some sort of a comedienne, we would have applauded her sense of humour and even have called for an encore.

But this? I mean just where do they manufacture such types up to the point they are picked,eti, as ministers? The farce is also very cheap. It reminds one when we were in primary boarding school. There were always scraps among students. The unwritten law was never to separate the combatants, until we knew who got a really decisive thumping.

Usually the one who was ‘getting it’ would start fighting dirty - stones, sand on the face, grabbing of the balls down there, gouging of eyes. A drowning person will always clutch at a serpent - the sages of yore correctly said. Now is maza drowning? If not, why is she playing dirty by referring to Anne Kilango’s married life? That Aunt Anne married Mzee Malecela because she thought he was going to be president and naturally, she would be first lady.

That when Mzee Malecela did not achieve power, Aunt Anne vengefully turned her focus into a fisadi hunter in the party. What if Aunt Anne turned the tables on the inappropriately named ‘minister for good governance’ and asked her who is her husband or husbands? How many kids has she been blessed with? Same baba? Could she furnish Tanzanians with her academic background? I think those quick mouthed politicians should know this before they engage their mouths – people in glass houses should not throw stones! For, can they withstand the counter attack?