Stealing billions is national security?

I am a mtoto wa KiAfrica. Was raised here and now I hear plenty of shkamos from kids followed by the word ‘Mzee’. That is a sign of respect from the younger guys in society.

This automatically means I have to watch my step as ‘Mzee.’ No necking in bars, no bonking with some chick at the Gymkhana grounds or in the back-seats of cars. No getting sozzled on booze like there is no tomorrow, no childish fights for chicks and no peeing in public. In short, etiquette demands that I respect myself to the nearest decimal. And – no lying. Wazee don’t look pretty when they lie.

Be courteous, respect everybody, and obey the law. Certainly no bullying of the disadvantaged people in society. But when I was growing I was taught not to take any crap from anybody. Because the closer you look at society, the more you realize that there are plenty of hyenas out there dressed up as lambs.

Sober governments, which claim to respect democracy, the rule of law and good governance should also behave like adults. The thing is, do they? Hardly!

The recent events in the Bunge testify to that. The government, through the Speaker of the Bunge, Sam Six have been busy gagging legislators from asking questions on how the tax-payers’ monies have being spent. Or, more likely, mispent. Stolen.

The CCM government has been savaging the Deputy Leader of the Official Opposition in the National Assembly, Dr. Wilbrod Slaa after he demanded an explanation as to the controversial payments made by the Bank of Tanzania (BoT) to a string of dubious gold related companies. Reason? National security.

Said Dr Slaa: “To classify a company like Meremeta as a top secret military project is a deliberate attempt to the Government to mislead the public about this matter. This has nothing to do with national security.” He said.

“The Government should be honest about this thing and publicly disclose where the $155 million paid by the BoT to this company actually went.” He added.

It’s like a Mzee after being caught with his pants down performing lewd acts with someone in a public toilet. You ask him, “Mzee you were caught groaning with someone in the loo. What was happening?”

The Mzee comes out, breathing hard and grunts: “Nothing! And I will not say anything for reasons of national security!”

Others who have heard the grunting from the loo by the Mzee will shake their heads in belief and say: “Kale kazee ni kahuni sana! Kajambazi!”

Dr Slaa has told the House that he would not be silenced even after a government order – which is rightly so. Those MPs are at the Bunge not as beauty contestants. They are there to act on our (wananchi) behalf. Where are the bloody Meremeta billions?

If the money has been chopped, then Tanzanians have the right to know about that. But that is not bloody ‘national security’. It is theft. As Dr Slaa told the Bunge he was querying about grand theft in government, not the TPDF.

So the government would like to make us believe that what befalls the military equals to national security? Who said soldiers can’t be thieves? It’s like the dirty old man caught in the loo saying: “I was grunting in the loo because we were playing marbles!” Utterly laughable. The government is trying to use the ‘national security’ crap to intimidate us!

Even other MPs are fed up with the charade. They have warned against a rising tide of grand corruption in the country, saying efforts to fight the vice so far have been disappointing.

In a rare show of unity, key legislators from the ruling Chama Cha Mapinduzi (CCM) joined forces with their opposition counterparts in the House to demand much more decisive action from the government in tackling high-level graft.

Mama Anne Kilango Malecela (Same East – CCM) has issued a direct challenge to Premier Mizengo Pinda to give the House a proper briefing on progress made so far in the officially-declared war against grand corruption in the country.

We are ready to listen. But if Mzee (meaning Government) insists that when he was caught moaning with delight with a young chick in a public loo, they were playing marbles, then we will pretend to agree. That being caught grunting in the public loo is a matter of national security? Some utterances by the rulers deserve nothing but contempt and ridicule they deserve.

CCM MPs turn tail in Dodoma

Last week some MPs seethed with rage and vowed that this year’s Budget, tabled by Finance Minister, Mustafa Mkulo, will never see the light of day.

But now we know that it was drama all along. The MP for Ilemela in Mwanza Region, Tony Diallo told Braza Mkulo that he and his mates were going to dissolve the Bunge. “You are in trouble, brother.” He fumed, adding that Braza Mkulo was favouring his constituency and fishing to the Prez by building fancy two-way lanes from Msata nowhere. Then Tony marched out in a huff.

Nzega MP, Luke Selelii also foamed in the mouth and without mincing words said that the entire cabinet should be cursed for selfishness and an anti-people stance.

At least the Kobondo MPs, Kitonsi Mporogonyi, was more forthright AND HONEST. He accused Braza Mkulo of getting a cut in the cooking oil tax exemption. But he went even further and suggested that the MPs should get have their palms greased too. Which made sense to me – elongate the gravy-train.

Some stood up and took note to the high theatre. But some of us have been in the game for quite awhile. We called their bluff. The MPs were simply playing the cameras So it was eyeball-to-eyeball between Braza Mkulo and the tough talking MPs.

The nation held its breath. When the curtains were raised in Dodoma on Thursday the CCM tough talkers blinked, turned tail and chickened out of the debate.

The Speaker, Sam Six, had earlier warned that MPs that if they were opposed to the budget the Bunge would be dissolved and that would be that.. Not one MP from the CCM said fyoko! All of them said ‘aye’. Some of them reportedly suddenly developed strategic bouts of diarrhoea and did not show up at the Bunge at all!

Braza Mkulo airily brushed the MPs away and told them that they can go and jump in high hell and he is not even considering resigning from his prime post.

One thing I know in Bongo is that the calls for ministers resign are just MPs playing the cameras. In the United Republic of Tanzania, ministers and other personages of high consequence never resign. They are sacked, pure and simple.

Reason? You see to resign from the job of, say minister of finance, is to attract instant poverty. Which fool will do that? It’s like the tough talking MPs themselves. They figured that if the Bunge was going to be dissolved, then they were never sure if they will ever be voted back. So it was simply a question of money. Mshiko. Why risk your pay cheque?

I had hidden making my decision armed with an observation by an American scribe. He summed it all up: “Politicians are people who say a lot of words without saying anything.” He said.

He said if you believe them, you will believe anything. You are a goner. Umefulia!

EPA Two coming

I’ve heard about the stimulus package offered by the government and immediately winced painfully – welcome back grand corruption. If you are in Dar you can see the rot oozing and smell the stench from as far away as Chalinze.

Eti, in its so-called stimulus package the government plans to bail out co-operative unions and individuals for losses incurred in selling local crops on the world market.

Bail out? So the government is in the business of bailing out loss making firms and individuals? I think I qualify, immediately. I lost a million dollars trying to sell words and TV rights to the world media. I am in the news business, you see. Will our benevolent government compensate me?

You can look at naked corruption right in the eye. Who will determine which private companies incurred losses in selling local crops in the world market? Those guys don’t bother me. They could easily be bribed.

Take this scenario. A government official decides that Adam Lusekelo Company Unlimited has lost out in the world market. I could claim a million dollars. Of that million I will ‘voluntarily’ contribute $200,000 to some party fund (you-know-which-party). Predictably the money will be used to buy silly little hats and scarves for next year’s general elections, or simply be pocketed by some smart ass.

I can see it in my mind’s eye. Fisadi Jones and his likes are now busy forming fake companies, which will apply for compensations for their losses incurred in selling local crops in the world market. Monies which will be awarded to them and never be re-paid.

It will simply be EPA all over again. To put the icing on the cake, there will be another charade about taking people to the courts and it will die down, just like how the present EPA is being allowed to die down. No punishment, of course. It’s not in tour culture.

You see, it is so tempting. The government is actually forcing a handful of smart Alecs in the country to commit criminal activities. Now they are simply busy changing their names and forming shell companies and putting fronts for guys who will siphon off the ‘stimulate package’.

Hamad Rashid Mohamed, who is also the leader of the Official Opposition in Parliament, has been giving a free lesson on economics to government honchos: “In a free market economy, companies will be making profits and losses. Serious traders will always set their crop buying and selling prices depending on the futures market.

“The government will plunge the nation into another scandal similar to EPA.” He said, referring to the looting of $133 million from the Bank of Tanzania’s external payment arrears account.

And there is very great temptation to the con-men, with their fake companies to go for the fraud. In the United Republic of Tanzania the guilty ones are never afraid. The system is very just to the crooks – nothing happens them. Jails are very much still for thieves who steal the odd cell-phone or a couple of chickens.

Digesting this year’s beer budget

I sat at my favorite watering hole, with a pile of newspapers to read and digest the minister of finance’s offerings. There is lots of wishful thinking in our mindset. We still are looking for lovers abroad to keep us.

A waiter came and asked me what I wanted. “Beer.” I said while wincing within my body. I did not know the new price on booze, you see.

“Shilling elfu mbili mia tano, Mzee.” The waiter huffed with an unmistakable sadistic glee on his face.
“What? It was only two thou, yesterday!” I protested.
“New prices Mzee. Ask Mustafa Mkulo.” The waiter offered with the same look of satisfaction of seeing me wince under the new price imposed in our usually predictable beer budgets.

I didn’t say anything more, lest the waiter got a violent orgasm with happiness. It was not his fault, really. It is now left to beer consumers to, you know, adjust their habits.

I know some guys who have been instantly turned into alcoholic chemists. They mix their drinks to increase the ‘wham’ in their booze, for as cheap as possible.

A colleague orders a beer, a potent beer. Then he orders some Konyagi and starts mixing the stuff with a skill of the government chief chemist. By the time he finishes the mixture, he is floating away in cloud 14!

I know another mzee who is a pensioner. Before he comes to the watering hole he goes to this set-up where he buys a small bottle of local gin (gongo). Then he orders a bottle of Ze Kick beer and also mixes the stuff. I have always been touched by that look of quiet satisfaction when he takes the first sip.

The mzee then starts eating garlic in between sips. At first I was alarmed and asked for the reason.” It helps suppress the smell, you know, of that gongo from my mouth. You mother, at home hates it” he said.

I was getting drunk, just imagining the pongs of a spouse who has drunk a mixture of Ze Kick beer, gongo and raw garlic. I wonder if the next budget session will have some form of tax against smelly mouths. Because government is very instrumental in forcing people to go to ridiculous lengths to get a drink.

The thing is the government will never do away with guys who enjoy their beer. The idea is not to ‘fix’ them. The guys will always go for a drink, whatever happens.

The only casualty will remain the boozer’s family. It’s unpleasant, but the truth is that most boozers are driven to start to massage their family finances, in favour of accommodating their boozing.

Some boozers even brag about it. “Koma amisi abana bende kitali. Amenye ju nna!” A Mnyakyusa from the southern Mbeya region will yell. It simply just means that - get bombed and let the children go naked. Their mum will sort it out!

Praise thee women of the world. Where would the family be without you

CHOMBEZO LA ADAM LUSEKELO!!!!!

Kwanza nianze kueleza kabisa. Nikimwita kajambazi mwanafunzi wa Shule ya Pius Msekwa aliyemuuliza aliyekuwa Waziri Mkuu Lowassa Mkoani Mwanza namsifia. Ndiyo waTanzania tunaowataka. Wanaouliza maswali kama – kwa nini?

Alimuuliza mkuu kwa nini kauli za viongozi haziwiani na matendo yao. Na alimuuliza sababu za zilizomfanya rais ateue watu kama wabunge kuwa wakuu wa mikoa ilhali Bongo ikiwa na watu wengi wenye uwezo.

Namwita mwanafunzi huyo kajambazi. Kajambazi ka Bongo. Lakini nina maana mwanafunzi huyo ni shujaa. Ameuliza swali la akili. Nasikia vyombo vya usalama vilijaribu kumzonga mbavu. Siamini!

Mimi nafikiria kuwa vyombo vya usalama vina kazi muhimu zaidi kuliko kuwanyanyasa vijana wa kiTanzania wenye akili.

Nadhani vyombo hivyo vingemlinda sana mwanafunzi huyo. Ameonyesha kuwa bongo zimo ndani ya kichwa chake. Ningekuwa na fedha za kutosha ningekalipia hako kajambazi kenye akili mpaka kaende chuo kikuu. Ndiyo kitu tunachohitaji Tanzania. Bongo, na siyo wababaishaji

Kajambazi hako kalimuuliza waziri mkuu kuwa yeye na wasaidizi wake wanahimiza vijana kusoma kwa bidii na maarifa ili wawe viongozi wa taifa la kesho, lakini hawaoni hayo katika matendo yao. Lowassa alishindwa kujibu swali hilo.

Safi kabisa. Kajambazi hako kalikuwa kanasema mambo ambayo kila mtu mtaani anayasema. Mfano mimi. Nilimuona Hayati Mzee Nyerere nikiwa darasa la tatu. Mzee alikuja kwenye Open Day yetu, katika shule ya msingi ya Salvatorian, huko Kurasini, Dar es salaam.

Mzee alituambia kuwa sisi ni taifa la kesho. Poa kabisa. Tukaenda sekondari, mpaka chuo kikuu. Tulikuwa bado tunaaambiwa sisi ni taifa la kesho. Mzee ang’atuka na kurudi Butiama. Mpaka tukamzika Mzee wetu.

Baado kuna njemba zilizokuwa awamu ya kwanza, leo zipo. Awamu ya pili na njemba bado zipo. Awamu ya tatu. – njembist bado zipo. Na sasa awamu ya nne – njemba baado zinadunda tu! Aaa-a-a-a-h, masihara hayo!

Kama kajambazi kalivyokuwa kanasema haiwezekani kuwa mtu mmoja anakuwa kila kitu, Mbunge,Legino Kamishna, mwanyekiti wa Bodi ya Shirika la ndege la Tanzania, Msaidizi Kuu wa Chuo na mjumbe wa CCM NEC. Utani huo!

Leo mimi na uzao wangu kichwani mvi kibao – baado minjemba mingine imeezeeka na inatuambia sisi ni taifa la kesho. Jamani kesho hiyo ni ya lini? Watu tumekuwa! Tumeoa! Tumeachwa! Tumeoa tena! Tumejukuu! Baado tunaambiwa sisi ni taifa la kesho. Kesho ni lini? Eti mpaka ujipendekeze. Wengine mama zetu walitufunda na kutuasa tusijipendekeze.

Nadhani hawa wajomba wanaotutawala hawaelewi. Juu ya kuwa wanaweza kuchagua washikaji kwenye utawala, wananchi pia wanataka mabadiliko. Siyo Tanzania tu. Nchi zote ulimwenguni watu anachoka kuona sura zile zile kila siku.

Kale kajambazi ka shule ya sekondari ya Pius Msekwa kamesema kweli na kalindwe. Haiwezekani kuwa katika nchi ya watu 40 milioni na kuzidi mtu mmoja atakuwa na vyeo lukuki. Waziri yeye, Legino yeye,mbunge yeye, mwenyekiti wa bodi za wakurugenzi tatu ni yeye, mkurugenzi wa wachunga mbuzi wa Tanzania ni yeye. Utani huo!

Zenj advised to have a baby boom

People of Zenj have been strongly advised to go for each other, like there is no tomorrow, and make babies so that the Isles population can increase to respectable numbers – something like the Mainland population.

The Civic United Front (CUF) legislators in the House of Raps, sorry, House of Reps, have criticized family planning in Zenj in that it controls population growth. Wall-l-lahi tena!

Mr. Haji Faki Shaali (Mkanyageni- CUF) has asked Zanzibari intelligence to conduct covert operation to understand why Zanzibar’s population is actually shrinking.

“I think the study will discover that we have a high influx of foreigners entering Zanzibar everyday.” He suspected that Mainlanders have been sneaking into East Africa’s paradise isles without permission by the UN. There have been persistent rumours that Mainlanders have been settling in the Isles and pretending to be locals there, complete with khanzus and misuris..

To quell this trickery by Mainlanders the legislators asked the Isles’ government to re-introduce the use of passports to Mainlanders who travel to Zanzibar, but not to Zanzibaris who travel to the Mainland.

Mr Shaali’s views were echoed by Mr. Rachid Seif Suleiman (Ziwani-CUF) and Zakia Omar Juma (Special Seats-CUF). They all have strongly advocated that Zanzibaris should stop being lazy and manufacture as many babies as they can. The idea is to have a population equal to the mainland. The United Republic of Tanzania has 44 million people. This includes 2 million from Zenj.

Independent observers feel that if Zanzibaris want to catch up with the Mainland then they have really got hard work to do. They say that the Revolutionary Government is seriously deliberating start a Ministry of baby making.

It might be called the Ministry of Baby Making, Totos, Marine and Culture (UZALISHAJI) A mother of 14 in Zenj has been strongly tipped to get the job. She qualifies.

Meanwhile Tanzanians have been showing mixed reaction to plans to have a baby boom in Zenj. One minister, known to have strong connection to the EPA scandal said that he could not discuss the issue since it had something to do with ‘national security.’

He suggested caution: “I think this is a sensitive issue which could affect national security. I suggest that we have a referendum in Zanzibar to ask if there should be a baby boom or not. Zanzibaris are a sensitive lot. If you ask them wrongly they could accuse that it all has to do with the Union with the Mainland. They could suggest the dissolution of the Union.”

Amid the baby boom talk, the Isles Shadow Minister for Finance and Economic Affairs, Mr Said Ali Mbarouk has told the House, that this year’s budget does not show seriousness in tackling social and economic problems.

He said that Zenj has failed in its poverty reduction strategic programme (MKUZA) because abject poverty was now even more evident among many Zanzibaris.

You just wonder. If CUF legislators in Zenj want a baby boom, what are the tots going to be fed with? Sand? I think the rest of us in the United Republic of Tanzania should be told.