Sophia runs away with her mouth!

Lovely times. The general population has been beyond themselves in the on-going game of powers shortage. Instead of getting electricity and power we have been getting plenty of hot air from an assortment of clowns masquerading as politicians.

While different government departments have been playing ping-pong on the electricity games, others have started hallucinating. Just the day before yesterday, the Prez Jack Mrisho, complained that he does not get enough support from foreigners in his struggle against grand graft, except the Brits and their Serious Fraud Unit, his inappropriately called minister of good governance, Sophia Simba has sworn that there is nothing with thosassociated with high doubtful deeds including high graft.

Sophia finds former attorney General Andy Chenge, squeaky clean. The minister of inappropriately called ‘good governance’ has been embattled for quite some time. But one thing one would say one admires is that she can utter some untruths without batting a lid. That is the Almighty Lord’s greatest gift to womanhood. I mean, how would you take this maza, when she goes before Mzee Mwinyi tribunal and say that all those CCM hero MP who refuse to be manipulated by the moneyed rich guys in the party are themselves fisadis?

She defended chief suspects, Rostam Aziz, Ted Lowassa, Nizar Karamagi, Andy Chenge among others, as the angels in the midst of the Tanzania society. Which is rubbish, of course. The minister of the inappropriately called ‘good governance’ is simply trying to insult the intelligence of the Tanzania people. If she was some sort of a comedienne, we would have applauded her sense of humour and even have called for an encore.

But this? I mean just where do they manufacture such types up to the point they are picked,eti, as ministers? The farce is also very cheap. It reminds one when we were in primary boarding school. There were always scraps among students. The unwritten law was never to separate the combatants, until we knew who got a really decisive thumping.

Usually the one who was ‘getting it’ would start fighting dirty - stones, sand on the face, grabbing of the balls down there, gouging of eyes. A drowning person will always clutch at a serpent - the sages of yore correctly said. Now is maza drowning? If not, why is she playing dirty by referring to Anne Kilango’s married life? That Aunt Anne married Mzee Malecela because she thought he was going to be president and naturally, she would be first lady.

That when Mzee Malecela did not achieve power, Aunt Anne vengefully turned her focus into a fisadi hunter in the party. What if Aunt Anne turned the tables on the inappropriately named ‘minister for good governance’ and asked her who is her husband or husbands? How many kids has she been blessed with? Same baba? Could she furnish Tanzanians with her academic background? I think those quick mouthed politicians should know this before they engage their mouths – people in glass houses should not throw stones! For, can they withstand the counter attack?

The withering counter-attack

After the attacks by the inappropriately called minister of ‘good governance’, Sophia Simba, against leading members of the anti-big time graft squad they have rallied and made a counter attack.

Former Prime Minister and CCM vice Chairman, Mzee John Malecela has dismissed Sophia Simba as a crazy nut who needs urgent psychological treatment from the Mirembe madhouse near Dodoma before heading back to Dar.

A day earlier Sophia had gone into a diatribe against Mzee John Malecela and his wife Anne Kilango Malecela. She accused them of having their wedding to be bankrolled by businessman, Jeetu Patel.

IPP boss Reginald Mengi called Sophia Simba an idiot: “There is an English saying that don’t argue with a fool, as people might not notice the difference.” But he said sometimes one has to respond, especially when some idiot starts to utter imaginary stuff from cloud-cuckoo land.

Sophia had accused Mengi of carrying fake CCM membership and that he never helped prop up the ruling party with finances. Which baffles some of us?

Is maza trying to tell the rest of us that if you are a businessman then you cannot join CCM unless you cough up some serious moola, then you will be regarded with an agreeable disposition by the rulers. That explains it, as to why the rich guys have hi-jacked the ruling party. The rest of us are to be used as fodder in the present election times.

Maza also accused Anne Kilango of having been a drug dealer. If that was the case then why didn’t she tell the anti-narc squad? Or was she working on a PhD in Applied Fibbing. Remember, that is not a crime in Tanzania. Some on-line university should hastily award her with a doctorate in manufacturing hot air. Welcome Dr. Sophia Simba!

I told you so, John Pombe!

A couple of months ago, I said the government was about to goof in it’s handling of 296 tonnes of fish caught by Philippino pirates of the cost of Tanzania.

It was a commendable job by Livestock Development and Fisheries Minister, John Pombe Magufuli and his troops. Then some smart Alecs in the ministry, definitely with a nod from John Pombe himself, started thinking like traders, which is none of their business. That was the start of the goof.

They hired a trader in Dar who had cold storage facilities in Mwenge, to store the fish as ‘evidence’ Eyebrows were raised amongst sane men. Why store that ‘evidence’ at 800 dollars a tonne a day when it had already been verified by the state organs?

Eye Spy suggested that it only needed a posse of learned judges to spend an hour at the Mwenge Cold storage facilities and write their reports on the evidenced. Then auction the fish fasta to Tanzanians before the storage bill soared to dizzying heights. Of course the smart Alecs ignored the advise from the nosey media. In our country only the politicians and the bureaucrats are capable for any thought. The rest of us are the goons.

And now – voila! John Pombe has come in eating humble pie. The government will distribute the fish, valued at Shs 2.07 billion for free! In hindsight he has suddenly discovered that the government does not do business.

John Pombe said the distribution would start next week. The consignment would be distributed to institutions such as schools, higher learning institutions, prisons, hospitals and orphanages.

When you goof, you simply should bite the bullet and duck. But not to be outdone John Pombe started thinking with his mouth, instead of his head. He said the institutions will not be allowed to sell the fish!

Aw, c’mon John! How do you ‘supervise’ a corporal from say, Magereza, from picking up the fish from Mwenge and dropping half the loot at the Ferry Fish market?

Forgery is a fine art in Tanzania. The Bank of Tanzania (BoT) was cleaned up (EPA) by crude forgers in collusion with BoT officials. Now what stops John Pombe’s ministry officials from not ‘going to work’ on the fish deal?

During elections 10,000 voters all of a sudden turn to 20,000, all of whom swear that they love the CCM. What stops a driver from the Chuo Kikuu who has been told to pick 2 tonnes of tuna fish from the cold storage godowns from adding a zero and pick 20 tonnes? Will John and his cohorts be there to arrest him?

Worse, the minister says that Tanzanians shouldn’t worry about the huge bill to the taxpayer. “The public should not be worried over the cost over the cost of the impounded fish. We should be happy of victory against fishing pirates.” John Pombe has said placatorily.

But most of us are very uneasy about this. The cost of preservation of the consignment is $800 per tonne per month. By mid August, the government paid $1.184 million for the 296.32 tonnes for a five-month period. No offense meant, John, but some of us normal Tanzanians might pull out our calculators and start wondering what 10 per cent of $1.184 million is.

Chiligati Watanzania siyo mabwege!

Waziri wa Ardhi, Nyumba na Maendeleo ya Makazi, John Chiligati amesema kitendo cha Rais Jakaya Kikwete, kutoa ardhi kwa wawekezaji si kuiuza nchi badala yake ni kukuza uchumi kupitia kilimo.

Chiligati amesema kuwa kitendo hicho hakiwezi kuwa ni kuuza nchi, kwa sababu wawekezaji wanakodishwa mashamba na wala hawamilikishwi, hivyo wakiondoka hawaondoki nayo.

Si kweli hata kidogo na ninadhani Bwana Chiligati anajua hiyo ni danganya toto. Mimi naona Chiligati, ambaye ni mkuu wa propaganda wa CCM anacheza na msamiati.

Kukodishwa maelfu ya ardhi ya Tanzania kwa miaka 99 ni nini, kama siyo kuuza? Ikipita miaka hiyo, huo mkodisho utaendelea – kwa miaka mingine 99. Ni nini hiyo? Na WaTanzania ambao watakuwa vitukuu na vilembwe wa watawala wa leo, na ambao wengi wanaishi vijijini, wataenda wapi? Sidhani kama wote watakuwa mawaziri wa ardhi, nyumba na maendeleo ya makazi au marais.

Kwa mtu yeyote anayeifikiria na kuipenda nchi yetu, atagundua kuwa huu ni ubinafsi mbaya sana. Kwa nini tunafikiria kama kuku? Maana yake kuku anaangalia njaa yake pale pale.Akishiba basi umetoka hiyo. Kesho itajijua yenyewe.

Wakati wa uhuru, miaka arobaini na iliyopita, Tanganyika ilikuwa na wananchi 12 milioni. Leo tupo 45 milioni. Wamezidi watu 30 na, milioni. Tukianza kuuza ardhi (mimi naona ni uhaini tu) na baada ta miaka 99 utakuwa na watu 70 milioni. Je,utawaweka wapi? Nchi yetu itakuwa ni ya manamba tu? Na waTanzania hawatakubali hiyo – zitapigwa tu!

Ukiangalia historia kidogo watawala waliota, baada ya kuambiwa na wakoloni mambo-leo, kuwa bila Tanzania kubinafsisha viwanda vyetu hatuwezi kuendela. Tumebinafsisha, tena kwa bei chee, na sasa tumebaki tunang’aa macho.

Juisi za embe na mananasi ‘zinatengenezwa’ nchini Saudi Arabia. Watanzania hawawezi kusindika juisi hizo. Nguo nzuri za pamba inayolimwa Shinyanga ‘zinatengenezwa’ Dubai. Watanzania hawawezi kushona nguo za pamba. Matusi hayo kwa Tanzania Bwana Chiligati! Inaonekana kuwa Watanzania hatuwezi kufanya lo lote.

Sasa anasema, na hiyo ni sauti ya watawala wetu, kuwa nchi yetu bila kuwa na wawekezaji katika kilimo cha mashamba makubwa haiwezi kuendelea. Huu utumbo tutaendelea kusikia mpaka lini? Hizi fikira tegemezi za watawala wetu zitaendedea mpaka lini?

Kujidharau gani huko kwa watawala, na kudharau waTanzania wenzao kuwa hawawezi kulima mpunga na ngano. Mpunga ni mpunga na ngano ni ngano. Kuna watumwa wa kimawazo (inferiority complex) ambao wanafikiria kuwa waarabu au wakorea wakilima mpunga unakuwa mzuri kuliko ule unaolimwa na mmatumbi huko Ifakara. Mtu mweupe akisema, hata upumbavu gani, anasikilizwa sana na watumwa hao wanaowahusudu watu weupe.

Haya tusaidiane – tunapata maendeleo gani kutoa ardhi yetu kwa wakoloni ambao watawala wanawaita wawekezaji. Tunapata nini kutoka kwenye kashfa ya Loliondo. Eti shule moja na kiwanja cha ndege. Ni lini wamasai wa Loliondo waliiambia serikali kuwa wanataka kiwanja cha ndege?
Tuambiwe faida tanayoipata au tutakayo ipata kwa kinadi ardhi yetu. Jamani kama hamna la kufanya, basi kuleni maraha tu. Lakini ardhi yetu muiache. Kama mtu hana la kufanya basi akae anywe chai. Siyo lazima aanze kuota cha kufanya. Ardhi yetu muiache!

Hawa ni majizi tu!

Katika kumbukumbu ya mzee wetu, Mwalimu Nyerere, aliyetutoka miaka kumi iliyopita wengi wetu tumekuwa tukilaani hali tuliyonayo nchini, kwa kijanja sana. Karibu kila mtu anasema - Enzi za Mwalimu…

Kusema hicho wakati tukimkumbuka, imekuwa ni kama watoto waliobakizwa yatima. Lakini kikubwa zaidi ni kuwa tumewahi kuwa naye na sasa tunalaani tawala zilizofuata kwa kujifanya kumsifu na kumuenzi Mzee.

Sasa kama watu wakimuenzi marehemu baba yako na kutosema lolote kuhusu wewe mwenyewe, basi ujue wanakuponda kiungwana. Wengi wametumia nafasi hii kuponda yaliopo.

Nimewahi kuishi katika nchi jirani,Kenya, kwa miaka mitatu. Nimeona wenzetu wakisema ‘uzalendo’, wao wana maana binafsi. Ndugu zetu walipambana na wakoloni wa Kiingereza huku wakijifikiria wao binafsi. Wakina Lord Delamare na wakoloni wengine walivyong’olewa, waliokuwa wanajiita wazalendo waliingia kwenye utawala na kufanya madudu zaidi ya wakolini wenyewe.

Niliona shamba la aliyekuwa rais, Mzee jomo Kenyatta kati ya barabara ya Nairobi na Nakuru. Kulia ni shamba la Mzee na kushoto shamba la Binti yake, Margaret Kenyatta. Kwa kifupi tu – ni kufuru.

Na usiambiwe, kelele zote kutoka kwa jirani zetu ni hasa kwa sababu hawana ardhi. Ardhi yote imenyakuliwa na wajanja na watawala. Wananchi walio wengi wanakaa katika mageto, wao wanaita rizavu (native reserves) mijini.

Biashara zote kubwa zilikuwa na ni za familia na rafiki zake. Mpaka sasa imekubalika, au inaonekana hivyo. Majizi yamekubalika tangu walipopata uhuru.

Tanzania tuna mfano tofauti. Tulipata kiongozi na wenzake waliyeongoza nchi. Siyo kikundi cha watawala ambao wanafikiria kazi yao ni wizi.

Ukifananisha na yaliofuata utamfanya Mzee Nyerere awe ni mtakatifu. Ukifananisha na majambazi, kama Mobutu wa iliyokuwa Zaire (DRC), Omar Bongo (Gabon), Mugabe ambaye anaiga Kenya, utamuona Mzee Nyerere ni tofauti kabisa. Kwake nchi ilikuja namba moja. Uzalendo.

Mwalimu kaondoka na sasa tumebakia na unafiki wa kutisha. Eti, majitu yanauza nchi, na yanasema yanafuata maadili ya Mwalimu.

Huu unyang’anyi wa rasilmali za taifa zisiusishwe hata kidogo na hayati Mwalimu. Huu ubinafsishwaji na wizi wa viwanda vya umma uwekwe mbali kabisa na Mwalimu. Majambazi yameuza nchi na tuyaite hivyo hivyo – majambazi.

Mafisadi tuwaite hivyo hivyo – majizi, hakuna kuanza kuwapaka wanja watu wanaotia kichefu chefu. Hivi sasa dhamira ya kutumikia umma ni ndoto. Uongozi kwapu kwapu ndiyo unatamba.

Shukrani moja kwa Mwalimu ni kuwa alituachia kipimo cha maana ya uongozi. Kwa hiyo kila mwaka kumbu kumbu ya kututoka kwake uwe ni wa kuyazomea majizi na majambazi hayo.

Mambo yanayotokea sasa ya kuuza (wao wanaita lease) ardhi, kama wale machifu wa karne iliyopita yaandikwe vizuri kabisa. Machifu hao waliuza ardhi ya Tanganyika ili kupata shanga za wake zao, ulevi kama whiski, na kaniki. Majina ya machifu wa leo yaandikwe na kumulikwa vizuri ili wajukuu na vitukuu vyao wajue kuwa mababu zao walikuwa ni wahaini wakubwa wa nchi hii nzuri.
Nionavyo mimi katika ujambazi unaoendelea hivi sasa, Hayati Mwalimu Nyerere ataendelea kuwa mioyoni mwetu. Na kwa majambazi na majizi yanayoendelea ni kuwa wananchi wa Tanzania wana mfano wa kuwafananisha nao. Huu uovu hautaruhusiwa kuendelea milele. Mwalimu katutoka. Lakini Mwalimu bado anaishi!

Those randy regions!

According to a study, the people in Shinyanga, Tabora, Lindi and Morogoro Regions go at each other in sexual activities as if there is no tomorrow. A Tacaids official has told a seminar that in Shinyanga a man can enjoy the attentions of up to nine babes monthly!

Well, I don’t know if that kind of sexual athletics can actually be called ‘enjoyment’. Having heard how the guys in Shinyanga, Mwanza and the environs, that can be very hard work.

In dating game the youngsters of age gather and the young chicks of age are offered to chose the guy they fancy – ‘chagulaga’ they call it. Once the guy is chosen by his potential paramour, he has to do a Usein Bolt and chase the chick, through the bush.

This involves a touch of steeple-chase, long jumps, hop, step and jumps. He just has to race her to the ground and after some champion wrestling to win her favours. You could say that is foreplay, Nyamwezi and Sukuma style.

This means if you come from the coast and find yourself in Tabora or Shinyanga, you could end up dying of ‘uhanga’, as those cheeky varsity students call it. Coastal people are not exactly re-known for the art of wrestling.

Anyway, Tacaids does not have a problem with how people have their fun. What bothers them is that multi-partners cause the spread of the deadly killer disease - HIV/Aids.

So the advice is the guys in those regions should slow down, you know, bonk with discipline. If there is anything like that. So you just ask yourself, what could be the cause of the sexual overdrive in those regions?

Could be their diet. Ugali and yoghurt. But it can’t be that. We all eat ugali and some sour milk and other stuff. Maybe the guys add snake poison to stimulate their gonad glands.

Or, another reason could be the size of the ugali itself. To these guys, and the luos and the rest of them, size actually matters. I have seen brothers from those regions who disciplined a huge mound of ugali. They eat so much, you could see sweat running down noses. This could be the reason why the need nine chicks a month to keep them happy.

Some say it could be a deliberate move by, who else? – the government of the United Republic of Tanzania. They deliberately keep the citizens of those poor regions in the dark. No power and the present rationing doesn’t help a bit.

Now what do you do in downtown Nzega in Tabora region, after you have gone to do your ka-farm of maize? You come home, and after some chow, go for some local pombe. Once home, you can’t listen to the radio, of course no TV, no lights and you can’t read. You look at the wife and start thinking.

For those single men, after the pombe they hit the bush and the chagulaga game commences. It’s very romantic, full moon, on God’s open-air guest house. It’s amazing that, apart, from regrettable HIV/Aids deaths, there aren’t many incidents of snake bites, by venomous reptiles!

Welcome to Dark es Salaam!

The citizens of Dar, no Dark es Salaam, have been baying, and are still are, for blood. They want their electricity, yesterday, or else! Not me! Over the years I have learnt not to raise my blood pressure because government incompetence and goofing. It’s not news.

Having been born an incorrigible optimist I thank the Almighty for my ability to look at the silver lining, not the cloud. If there is a problem, I don’t get angry, I get smart.

Take one. My ka-chick and I have all those lovely candle-lit dinners, every evening. It’s unbelievably romantic. Thanks to the government of the United Republic of Tanzania. Two of my neighbors have asked me for the government’s baby making ministry’s address. They are expecting to multiply in their family. Babies are on the way as a result of the romantic nights.

Personally, I am expecting to get the vacant job of Tanesco managing director. I hear some 50 guys have already applied. I will be the 51st, and believe me, I will get the job.

Don’t give me the bull-crap of not being qualified. Actually I have been withholding my PhD in Electricity Shedding for ages. Waiting for the right moments to strike. Timing is extremely important in these matters. So enter Dr. Adam Lusekelo (PhD Electricity Shedding)

I know, having Richmond in mind, Bwana Mkubwa, Jack Mrisho himself, will understandably be very suspiciously asking what miracles I will perform as the new boss of the utility company.

This will be easy streets for me. I will tell Mkuu that I will order for 10,000 transformers – from India, of course. These will be generously distributed throughout the country. Major towns like Msata in the coast region will get 500 machines. That will solve the problem of oncoming El Nino rains.

I will advice ‘Mzee’ that if the rains do not rain with discipline, that is, at Mtera and all those strategic rain catching area, he will have to dispatch post-haste, the Premier Mizengo Pinda to go to Thailand and buy some, lest there is drought. It has been done before with former Premier Ted Lowassa.

I will tell Mkuu that I have in place those indefatigable Tanzanian businessmen who have been helping this thankful nation how to cut all those deals like the radar thing, the Iveco trucks, and now 50 billion tractor deal, which will quadruple our agriculture in just five years time.

Super nationalist, Jayantial ‘Jeetu’ Patel has won the tractor deal. I will respectfully suggest that another super nationalist, Tarik ‘Bulbul’ Singh Sohal, of Idodi, in Iringa, be awarded the 10,000 transformer import deal.
But that is not all. As Tanesco boss I will assume that Tanesco has been possessed by the devil. So will summon all the preacher men in town to come and exorcise the devils (pepo), every week.