Govt to build pyramids in Dodoma

Okay, we know that human beings are all equal – or rather, are supposed to be equal. But over ages humanoids have come to realize that some human beings are more equal than others.

Now we are sure about that. Even in death there are others who are more equal than the rest of us. Those are the rulers of Tanzania. From now on the rulers will be dying in style.

Tanzania is to become the first East African country to build pyramids as official resting places for deceased and other great Tanzanians who have shaped the nations history.

Presently the government is looking for an international firm to provide a detailed design for a state-of-the-art cemetery at Iyumbu village in Tanzania’s unbuilt capital of Dodoma.

Sources say that Tanzania’s supplier-in-chief, Sailesh Vithlani, has shown vigorous interest to supply the super pyramid for the rulers. Sailesh Vilthani is of the radar rip-off repute.

He could use his vast experience to supply the entire TPDF with equipment and grease civil servants palms to get the DTRs grave contract. He could qualify as grave-digger-in-chief. Payment will be in dollars at an account in Switzerland.

The government has acquired 120 hectares of land for the purpose and the Prez, Jakaya has given the nod for the establishment of Dead Tanzanian Rulers burial (DTRs) Act.

The graveyard will take into account the religious customs of Muslims, Christians and others. For example, dead former leaders will be asked if they would prefer their graves to be air-conditioned or not, before they are buried.

The DTRs will also be supplied for the comforts of death while in their graves, including their conjugal rights, in the hereafter. Piped classical music will be connected to every grave

It is said that some of the rulers have been casting some envious eyes at the pharaohs of Egypt. They would also prefer to be mummified for posterity.

The rulers, who preferred anonymity, said that, like Egypt’s pyramids of Giza in Egypt, Tanzania could have the pyramids of Dodoma. In 4,000 years’ time Dodoma could be a bustling pyramid site which will attract millions of tourists. The DTRs will be comfortably waiting to be discovered by the archeologists of the day – just like the pharaohs.

Critics have pooh-poohed the whole idea as a waste of time and resources. “The biggest problem could be getting those dead Tanzanian leaders in the first place. With dead rulers, it’s fine. But I am not so sure about dead Tanzanian leaders.” said an analyst.

He said another problem could be who will make it to the comforts of the pyramids of Dodoma. “The monied traders have bribed and compromised their way into ruling party. It now belongs to them. They might also sneak into the pyramids of Dodoma and pretend that they qualify to be buried there as EPA heroes. In Tanzania anything is possible.” Said an observer.

Chombezo la Adam Lusekelo

Aliyekuwa Rais wa nchi ya Peru, Marekani ya Kusini, Alberto Fujimori amebamizwa lupango miaka sita – kuna kesi zingine zinakuja. Amehukumiwa hivyo kwa kutumia vibaya madaraka.

Mpaka sasa tunadhani hayo hayawezi kutokea Bongo. Lakini huko ni kudhani tu. Yatatokea siku moja. Lazima tuanze kuulizana maswali. Siyo watu wanaapa kuitumikia nchi yao kwa uadilifu halafu wanaanza ufisadi na uonevu wa watu wao na kuuza nchi yao kipande hadi kipande.

Fujimori pia alikabiliwa na mashitaka ya kuteka nyara maadui wake, ufisadi na hata kutoa amri ya kuua kwa watu waliokuwa wakimpinga kisiasa. Akipatikana na hatia anaweza kupumzika lupango kwa miaka hadi 30.

Mbabe huyo alikuwa akitawala nchi hiyo ya Peru kama shamba lake binafsi. Kwanza wananchi walivyopamba moto alikimbilia Japan ambako ukoo wake ulitokea. Lakini alivyorudi marekani ya kusini tu alirudishwa Peru, na hatimaye alipelekwa kortini na sasa yuko lupango.

Sawa kabisa! Ni kwamba haiwezekani mijambazi miongo ikajiingiza katika siasa za nchi kilaghai na kuapa itawatumikia wananchi wa Tanzania. Ikishapata hizo ofisi, mara nyingi kwa kununua kura au kuhonga, inaiba kifashisti!

Halafu kuna kulindana sana, nchi hii. Naambiwa kuwa miaka mitatu hii watu walikuwa wanalipa fadhila kwa watu waliochangia katika uchaguzi uliopita. Mimi siiti kuchangia, naita magendo. Kuhonga. Unahonga chama tawala, kinakupa ofisi halafu unaanza kuiba kama huna akili nzuri.

Sijui jamaa hawa wanatuona sisi mimbunju? Wanatuona sisi mabwege kweli kweli! Mafala wa kutupa! Na mwisho ya yote – tutawafanya nini? Wao wana mabunduki.

Ukihutubia wananchi unakuwa umezunkukwa na FFU wenye urefu wa futi nane, wameshika mabunduki na marungu. Nani atafanya fyoko?

Lakini dikteta Ferdinad Marcos wa Ufilipino pia alikuwa na askari wa kuzuia fujo wenye futi nane, mabunduki na marungu. Lakini wananchi wakamwambia aambae tu. Mwisho nchi ikawa haitawaliki.

Mwisho bwana Marcos akaita jeshi. Wanajeshi wakaja na mabunduki na vifaru na sura za kibaghaili kweli. Wananchi hawakujali. Eti jeshi lilioloapa kulinda mipaka ya nchi linatumiwa kuwatishia wananchi. Watu wakawazomea na kuwaambia wawauwe tu.

Masista wakawa wanazunguka vufaru hivyo na kuweka mauwa kwenye mitutu ya mabunduki ya wanajeshi hao. Askari wakaanza kuona nishai- utapigaje risasi masista? Marcos akaachia ngazi.

Hapa Afrika Frederick Chiluba alijiona mjanja huko Zambia. Ufisadi huo huo. Alijifanya kaokoka. Katika mlokole huyo hakuona kibaya akiiba dola 48 milioni za waZambia. Na hakuamini alipovishwa pingu na kupelekwa mahakamani! Aliyekuwa mbabe huyo sasa ana ugonjwa wa presha kali na wasiwasi. Inabidi kila wakati apelekwa kutibiwa huko Afrika Kusini,

Bongo jamaa wametulia tuli - wanauza nchi tu. Tutawafanya nini? Sisi wananchi tunafanywa mibwege. Lakini iko siku tutaanza kuulizana maswali.

Of leaders and rulers

When we are born, human kinds first think about ourselves. Me. My mother, then my father. But the paramount thing is me. Selfishness is inherent in us from day one.

Then when the brood starts to grow and you find yourself with brothers and sisters. You start to be taught by your parent that there is this business of sharing. Watch all kids – they just don’t like it. They want the ‘me’ aspect.

Then you are taken to school and decent teachers drum in the sharing aspect into your little head. In our primary school report every end of the term there was this line - consideration for others.

School succeeded to remove the ‘me’ in some of us, at least to a decent extent. But not to most of us. We grew up with ‘me’ until we became adults and assumed public office. They call it public office, but to most guys it simply means the opposite. It becomes a private office.

So if it is ‘my’ office, how can I ‘eat’ it? If that hangover of selfishness stays with in you to adulthood you are going to be more susceptible to corruption.

You want all the money in the world to be yours, all the chicks or guys to be yours and all the lavish attention to be yours. You might be 50 years old but the child in you is still intact. You are a middle aged fake and a thief. You could look dapper and in smart suits, but you are still a thief.

When you are given public office it’s even worse. You start assuming airs and arrogance sets in. Because suddenly you have toughs guarding your every move, protecting your home and family. You might end up chasing away your own aunt from the village who comes to your place without an appointment. It has happened before.

Now to some of us spectators of this human farce there comes in the question of language. The media casually call these human clowns ‘leaders’.

Not me. Leader comes from the word ‘lead’. To lead you are supposed to show an example so that the decent people you are leading acknowledge and follow your example.

I was a great admirer of the late Mwalimu Nyerere. The moment you met him you realised that he was a human being. A great man, but a human being. That was leader and a half. Some people even went to ridiculous levels of aping even the way he spoke.

Mwalimu basically despised money and concentrated in the business of running the country. Sometimes making wrong decisions. He mostly admitted when he goofed and said he was only human.

But now Tanzanians are getting very short of leaders. Leaders are an endangered species! The are some guys who think leadership is about body guards and parades. I call those guys ‘rulers’ not leaders. They like to show muscle, pomp and circumstance. But they steal tax-payers money like hell! They steal from us.

How could you name a thief a leader? We cannot follow that example. Tanzanians cannot all be thieves. Some of us were decently brought up. We have a conscience. We were constantly taught that it is wrong to steal!.

Today it is chic for thieves to call themselves ‘leaders’ I cannot admire that. They can steal and rule with guns. My question always is: How many eggs do they eat at one breakfast sitting - a hundred?

Being gentlemanly with crooks

“It was pure forgery. It is a criminal offence according to the law these people should have been arraigned. I am not satisfied with how the president handled the issue. We cannot run this country with double standards!”

Not me speaking – lest I be called a trouble-maker. It none other than Dr.Wilbrod Slaa, the Chadema, Secretary-General. “You can’t take to court someone who has stolen just Sh 5,000 and let free those stealing billions from our banks. These are double standards!” Dr Slaa went on bitterly.

But I have a word for him. You see, there are some people, especially within the ranks of the rulers of this country, who simply don’t look good in being behind bars.

These guys live in air-conditioned homes, wear natty suits, work in air-conditioned offices, are driven in air-conditioned cars and even have air-conditioned friends in high places. So they are used to air-conditioning.

Now according to reasoning in high places these air-conditioned unarmed robbers cannot go to jail. This is because Segerea remand prison or any other jail in Bongo do not have air-conditioning.

Also our unarmed crooks who have raided the BoT also tend to smell great. They use the best colognes and after shaves money can buy. According the thought at the top, you just cannot throw those air-conditioned crooks to mix with the stinking wretched of the earth who are manning our prisons. Donors will simply not like it.

Dr Slaa should know that jails are for crooks! And those guys who did in billions are…er, well, air-conditioned crooks. Now there is a difference there, I hasten to add. It is not that they have not been punished.

You see the air-conditioned gentlemen who robbed BoT have been punished real badly. For one, they have been given crippling punishment like being forced to surrender their passports. This means they will not be flying abroad to go and buy their natty suits and perfumes.

Another punishment is that their air-conditioned houses and cars have been seized. The air-conditioned crooks are painfully wincing under the tough punishment meted by our no-nonsense government.
The air-conditioned crooks have been banned from riding air conditioned cars. They have also been banned from spraying perfume to their well shaven faces.

Another punishment is that the crooks have been banned from socialising with their air-conditioned friends.

So Dr Slaa should know that punishment is punishment. If you don’t know anybody and you steal Sh5,000, you go straight to Segerea remand jail.

If you steal billions and have air-conditioned friends at the top, then our government comes in heavily and punishes you. No air-conditioned cars and no using to your using your passport to go shopping abroad! Very strict, our government is.

Madness and religious crap!

Recently some well-dressed religious types, holding bibles, went outside the Dar’s Julius Nyerere International Airport. The guys were praying and waiting to fly to Europe and the Far East to preach the gospel - minus their passports and other travel documents. They were nuts, of course!

The seventeen men, woman and an innocent child, have been sleeping rough outside the airport for days. The madmen came to the airport complete with their own luggage: “We have no passports or air tickets just our Bibles. God sent us here to go and spread his word and we are waiting to go to the areas he wishes. We will fly to different destinations.” one of them said.

Human beings are very gullible animals. That’s why there are religions, politicians and con-men. Many people are easily deceived. Millions are told and promised rubbish and they believe it.

Some of them reach a point of even committing suicide, believing that they are going to heaven. In Uganda, on March 17,2000, some murderous nut in Uganda calling himself a preacher locked his 500 followers in church and burned them to death. The murderous cult leader believed the end of the world had come.

At the end of last year, some guys in Kyela district were told –and believed – that Jesus Christ himself would land in a special Air Tanzania flight to the village of Tenende near Kyela.

The dum dums has sold their property and went to the village to wait for Jesus Christ to come and pick them up. Of the Messisah flight was cancelled (Any Time Cancelled)

In the US another cult leader, Jim Jones led his ‘flock’ of 1,200 people to their death. He decided that the end of the world was then. He made a cocktail laced with deadly cyanide and all of them died excruciating deaths. Simply madness!

The religionists are now being a pest. Near where I live there used to be a club. We used to boogie the night away decade ago. Now it has been taken over by the religionists. Their main job is, not to preach the teachings of Christ, but to frighten their followers.

They talk about witchcraft, that they can raise people from the dead, they can bring jobs, the single woman and men are told that they will get husbands and wives. Whackos are told they have devils. That the devils will be exorcised from their bodies and all such rubbish. The hilarious part of it is that the people believe that nonsense and actually pay for it.

One lady religionist once came to me while I was having a drink in a nearby watering hall. “I have watched you and God has said to me that he loves you.” The lady said.

“I know that. I love him too. He has been very nice to me.” I replied.
“God loves you and I will pray for you.”
“Here in the bar?”
“Yes I will pray for you right here.”
“No way, dada. You go to pray for me in your church.” I told her. The born-again left looking very disappointed.

I sat wondering, was the lady trying to tell me that God loves or did she simply have a crush on me?

Monkey wees on Zambian President Rupia Banda


A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he held a news conference on the economy in the capital Lusaka.
Journalists laughed as Mr Banda jokingly remonstrated with the offender: "You [monkey] have urinated on my jacket." Impeccable sources have said that the opposition parties in Tanzania are thinking of importing the Zambian chimps and stationing them at Ikulu in Dar es Salaam

Recycled human peee... Cheee-e-rs!

The crew of the International Space Station (ISS) have celebrated a new on-board water system by raising a toast of their own recycled urine.
They clinked their water bags together and said "cheers", after thanking ground control.
Pictures courtesy of NASA.

Cow urine juice in India!

A new soft drink made from cow's urine may be launched in India by a hard line Hindu group known for their opposition of Western food imports.
The manufacturers say small quantities of the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases.
An officer in charge of the manufacturing unit in Kanpur said the product will be sold nationwide and that it will beat other soft drinks.

Opinion polls? What opinion polls?

They in their dying days, those political fakes. They are now desperately trying to stay on the centre stage of the Tanzanian political scene. They have been bankrolling some ‘opinion polls’ to show who is still in the national psyche. They are the political kaputniks. They cannot accept the fact that they are finished. That they are history!

But not to them. In a definitely warped figment of their imagination they imagine that they still are names to be reckoned with. They hallucinate that they matter to the existence of the United Republic of Tanzania. I strong feel that those disgraced thugs who still buy their way to stay in the limelight should be taken to the Muhimbili Psycho Ward. I think they need medical attention.

Now they start crap called ‘opinion polls’. We know that those opinion pollsters are so juiced up in the filthy fisadi lucre that it is embarrassing. But then, these are the times of buying and selling of the media hacks to the highest bidder. What with the civic and general elections on the way?

The smart reader will, of course, be very wary of those ‘opinion polls’ full of those political thugs desperately in need of credibility. It is just a white wash. It’s like telling the people of Tanzania that nothing happened in the Richmond scandal, EPA money was not stolen, Meremeta is a children’s rhyme and the BoT twin-towers are parts in a game of logo!

Of course I could read about opinion polls in more decent societies. But
our ‘opinion polls’ simply stink to high hell. Who commissioned them? In which areas of the country where was the smelly opinion polls made? Who funded them?

To me it sounds like those ‘polls’ are fisadi oriented. You hire a couple of greedy journos of doubtful repute (nina watoto bwana!). Then you juice them up a little with ‘nauli’, and they will be praise-singing about how pretty you are. You can see it almost everywhere and we will be seeing even more of the rubbish as we head towards the elections next year.

But, what do people really think of different members of society? The Chinese outlook could be a curious example. China's prostitutes are better-trusted than its politicians and scientists, according to an online survey published by Insight China magazine.

The survey found that 7.9% of respondents considered sex workers to be trustworthy, placing them third behind farmers and religious workers.
"A list like this is at the same time surprising and embarrassing," said an editorial in the state-run China Daily.

Politicians were far down the list, closer to scientists and teachers.
Insight China polled 3,376 Chinese citizens in June and July this year.
"The sex workers' unexpected prominence on this list of honour... is indeed unusual," said the China Daily editorial.

"At least [the scientists and officials] have not slid into the least credible category which consists of real estate developers, secretaries, agents, entertainers and directors," the editorial said. Soldiers came in fourth place.

Maybe those are the ‘opinion polls’ we ought to have. Instead of tarting up
failed politicians with questionable mental dispositions who should ask the people questions like – who would you trust more, a Kinondoni prostitute (CD) or a politician promising nirvana to Tanzanianss next year?