Invoiced! 'If you love me buy me a car '

The other day a chap was telling stories me about his love life. Actually he was complaining about his relationship with a chick. Most guys do complain about their love life, if you can offer enough ear, that is.

“I had hardly greeted her and she asked for my cell phone number, which I hastily offered, thinking that it was my good looks at work.” He said.

“Oh yeah!” I nodded, encouraging him on. Good looks? The guy looked like he had just stopped a speeding Bajaj with his face.

“I had hardly disappeared into the loo, before my cellphone rang. It was her
ladyship. Believe it on not, my man, she called me darling.

“There were a lot of darlings in between her sentences. Then she asked me to transfer five thou bob to her voda account.” He explained.

“Do you work as a voucher salesman to voda, or something?” I asked.
“No, man. She just ambushed me with the request. I said ‘why not? Since we were building this, you know, relationship…”

The geezer then transfered the money to her. Immediately after the transfer there was a beep. It was the chick. He phoned her back. “But I have just transfered money to your account. Do you still have to beep me?” He asked.

The dame told him that she needed the phone money to talk to her mother somewhere in the in the middle of nowhere in the United Republic of Tanzania. By the way did he know that her mother was sick?

The geezer told me that he made sympathetic noises and promised to do something about it for his now sick mother-in-law. That was it for then. Before he went to bed there was a call, from his ‘darlingi’ again. She said she missed him terribly and she would have invited him to her home. Except that she had not paid the rent for the next six months. Would ‘darlingi’ fix it?


“That was on day one?” I asked unbelievingly. The geezer nodded, beaming like he had just been announced a mega lottery winner. Then I knew I had a jerk for a colleague. I asked him if she had delivered the merchandise and he said no.

“On day two she beeped me and asked me to meet me her at this fancy hotel. She ordered some stuff I don’t even know. It cost me a bomb. But I paid for it. Later, we went to my place and, you know…”

“Yes, I know. You ended up playing draughts in your bedroom..” I sneered.
“Yeah. But that was after I promised to by her a car.”
“What? Are you crazy? You promised to buy her a car for sex? You are one hell of a geezer. Fall-l-a-a wee-e-e!”

Then I started thinking. I know there is a sucker born every minute in this world, but that was really something. The guy had a great job in the government thanks to his parents, but underneath he was really a hungarian.

The thing was he had simply been dealing with a glorified prostitute. Not a sex worker, mind you. With a sex worker you talk shop. How much? Five thou a trick. You pay, then wham, bang, thank-you ma’am. That’s it.

But this prostitute called herself ‘darlingi’ was simply milking the poor geek by using sex. The sex worker is honest and deserves more respect. But the glorified prostitute was simply tarting around and pretending to be decent which she was not.
The chap was a real jerk. How could one be manipulated like that in the name of love? Hardly had he even looked at her and he was being ‘invoiced’ in the name of love. The geek must have started very late in the love business!

No taxi over loading

The Dar es Salaam Regional Govermor, Bill Lukuvi, and police Commander, Sule Kova giving an on-the-spot guidance to Temeke cab driver, Saidi on good nutrition. They told him to eat plenty of veggies and to go slow on ugali and other starches. Meanwhile Commander Kova told the driver that traffic cops will keep a watchful eye on the cabman lest he overloads his taxi with himself

The human body

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach
• One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
• The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• Women reading this will be finished now.
• Men are still busy checking their thumbs for length

Dealing drugs is allowed in Bongo

You should hear the way government honchos and the police bay about the evils of hard drugs. They are evil, they say. They destroy lives, especially of our kids, they lament.
When he was campaigning to be the numero uno pessonovante in the Tanzania politics, the Prez, Jack Mrisho, told Tanzanians that he knew drug dealers - by their names. That he was about to unleash the might of the state against big time drug dealers. We, the wananchi are still patiently waiting for that move.

One thing you learn when you are a Tanzanian is to wait. As some Persian sage once said – it is only the first 100 years which are difficult while you wait.

But I believe that Tanzania is fighting drug trafficking with all its might. Six months ago cops nabbed a beat-nik in Kinondoni area. He was peddling cocaine. He was arrested with the evidence and also was found with serious wads of cash at his home.

When taken to court, the punk arrogantly pleaded guilty and was given a very stiff penalty of paying a 5 million shilling fine or six months in jail. He promptly paid the fine and went back to the criminal business of peddling drugs.

A fortnight ago another drug ‘mule’ was caught in the act of bringing in cocaine. Mules are those young men and women who use their bodies as ‘containers’ to transport hard drugs. The desperadoes usually store the drugs in their rectums.

After discharging cocaine pellets from his rear, he also arrogantly pleaded guilty. The punk was also given a hard sentence of 10 million fine or six months in prison. He promptly paid the fine and is now back in business in the streets.

Morogoro police are currently bragging that they arrested three guys who were bringing in ganja to Dar – some 200 sacks. The police never said the street value of the ganja. But I wouldn’t worry too much if I was one of the crooks. If convicted cocaine dealers are given a six months sentence with the option to pay a joke of fine, then ganja smugglers will be set free. The usual scenario is the cops usually relieve the crooks off the loot and sell it themselves.

From those sentences it is clear that the government is giving our young men and women a nod and a wink to go ahead to be drug ‘entrepreneurs’. Hundreds of hopeless desperadoes in Tanzania will gladly join in to be drug mules. You can openly see that in the streets Dar and Zenj, Stone Town.

In neighboring Kenya when the police catch you with a joint of ganja, you are fined double the value of the msokoto – plust 10 years in jail.
In Saudi Arabia if you are caught peddling drugs you may easily loose your head. It will be chopped off your neck with a razor sharp jambiyeh and may the Lord have mercy on your poor soul.

In the Far East and other places like Thailand you simply face the firing squad when you are caught messing around with drugs. I remember a lady in Dar who was suddenly prosperous and ostensibly doing very fine materially. The Yemen customs police saw drugs in her body containers. The authorities opened up her tummy, removed the evidence and left her to die, which she did.

But in Tanzania, do drugs and they give you an obscenely low fine which you pay and promptly go back to your ‘business.’ Preventive punishment is not in our culture. In fact big time thuggery is very rewarding in Bongo.

Hakuna kama elimu. Lakini…

Nilikuwa kwenye kona yangu moja kijijini nikiangalia watu. Mimi napenda kuangalia na kusikiliza watu.

Kidogo nikaanza kumsikiliza aliyekuwa mkuu wa mkoa wa Dar es Salaam (Sasa ni kuu wa mkoa wa Mwanza), Abas Kandoro akianza ku-rap kuhusu mradi wa kujenga mashule mengi tu kwa ajili ya watoto wetu wa mkoa huu. Poa kabisa.

Baadaye nikamuona kwenye TV. Sitazungumzia kuhusu rangi mbaya za nguo alizovaa. Nazungumzia mambo aliyokuwa anayasema. Alisema maradhi, umaskini, elimu kuwa ndiyo adui tuliokuwa tunapambana kuanzia tumepata uhuru.

Akasema lakini adui mbaya zaidi ni kukosa elimu. Poa sana plus plus!
Hamna kitu kibaya kama jitu mbunju. Baya zaidi limbunju ambalo linajifanya janja. Yako kila mahali, serijkalini makanisani, miskitini na mengi zaidi mtaani.

Hivyo bwana 'legino' wetu wa Dar es Salaam akasema kuwa wanaDar es Salaam tuchagie kwenye mpango huo wa shule ili sekondari hizo zijengwe. Namuombea Braza Kandoro kila la kheri.

Namuombea kwa sababu mimi binafsi sitoi senti tano kwa mchango huo. Naona wametoa namba ya akaunti ya kuchanngia. Sichangi kwa sababu baado nina maswali lukuki ya kuuliza.

Nani atakuwa na mamlaka na uwezo wa kuzitoa fedha hizo. Mtu mmoja au kamati? Majina yao nani? Sitaki kuchangia mitaji ya wahuni.

Uoga wangu ni kuwa hizo fedha zikianza kurundikana katika akaunti hiyo kila mwana kamati ataanza kuweka ‘kampuni’ ya ndugu zake ili kuanza kizitafuna. Yametokea hayo hapa Bongo, wala si mageni.

Kwanza bwana michoro. Atakuwa ni shemeji wa mjumbe wa kamati hiyo? Halafu ujenzi utakua ni wa matofali. Nani ataleta matofari hayo? Fulani, ambaye ni hawara wa mwenyekiti wa kamati. Yametokea hayo!

Jee, nani atawaajili wachimba msingi? Mwenyekiti wa kamati ya ujenzi ambaye atampa kazi hiyo kaka wa mchumba wake – yaani shemejie.

Nani ataleta simenti? Baba mdogo wa Katibu fulani katika serikali ya mkoa. Madawati je? Mchumba wa mwana kamati fulani. Haya! Nani ataleta madawati. Hayo yatakuja tu (Ingawa nasikia shule ya sekondari ya wasichana ya Msalato huko dodoma, wameanza kukaa sakafuni. Hakuna madawati)

Walimu je, watatoka wapi, Braza Kandoro? Zamani kazi ya waalimu ilikuwa inaheshimika sana. Siku hizi mtoto wako akisema anataka kuwa mwalimu kila mtu anamuona chizi!

Mimi ninashuku kuwa hizo fedha zitatafunwa na hakuna mtu ataulizwa swali lo lote. Fedha na mradi wa mabasi ya shule ya watoto wetu ziko wapi? Haya mchango wa madawati ya watoto wetu Dar es Salaam, nchango wake, ambao ulikuwa chini ya ofisi ya rais – fedha ziko wapi? Madawati yako wapi?

Ninachojua mimi kwa elimu dunia yangu, mtu anayeita watu wengune wachangie, kuna wengine wanangoja kuutafuna mchango huo. Kwa haraka sana nasema kuwa mkuu wetu wa mkoa anaweza kuwa na nia safi kabisa!

Lakini kuna wengine wanaongojea fedha ya kustaafu. Ukiwapa mwanya huo watazoa fedha hizo na kuingia mitini. Kwa kifupi ninawashuku wote wanaohusika na dili hii. Ni nani hao? Nani atasaini kutoa fedha hizo? Tutapata mahesabu kwa nani?

Sisi waBongo tumeumizwa sana na majambazi yanayovaa suti yakituambia utumbo kuhusu ‘maendeleo’ ya nchi yetu. Hasa wana maana maendeleo yao binafsi na familia zao!

Braza Abasi Kandoro ajue kabisa kuwa hilo si swala tu la kuchangia. Tunataka kujua nani watadhibiti fedha za wananchi. Tusije tukashikana makoo baadaye!

Taxi overload forbidden!



The Dar es Salaam Regional Govermor, Bill Lukuvi, and police Commander, Sule Kova giving an on-the-spot guidance to Temeke cab driver, Saidi on good nutrition. They told him to eat plenty of veggies and to go slow on ugali and other starches. Meanwhile Commander Kova told the driver that traffic cops will keep a watchful eye on the cabman lest he overloads his taxi with himself!

Killer robbers condemned, unarmed robbers forgiven

In a movie-style raid ten armed robbers on Friday killed a watchman and wounded 14 in a daring NMB bank raid, in Temeke in Dar es Salaam.

The gangsters, who came in three vehicles bearing government and SU numbers plate, carried heavy weapons including hand grenades. This was the first time a gang used hand grenades to rob a bank in Tanzania, but not the first time armed robbers targeted the NMB bank.

One of the grenades was used to blow up the security guard, Seif Mwikwike to bits. At least 14 people were injured, four of them seriously in the 15 minute raid in which the gangsters escaped with 150 million shillings.

Then grenades and the heavy weapons are widely believed to have seeped through Tanzania’s porous borders with its western neighbors, including Burundi and DRC.

Police have thrown a cordon around Dar es Salaam city and Home Affairs, Lawrence Masha has vowed that the police had mounted a major manhunt for the robbers. “We are confident we will get them all.

“It was a most unexpected and rapid incident, but we will make sure that we get to the bottom of this… they (robbers) should be assured that they are not going to get away with this. We are going to get them.” He promised.

While the Home Affairs minister was talking tough, Parliament in Tanzania’s un-built capital of Dodoma on Friday gave the nod to the unarmed robbery of Sh 15.48 billion that the government had failed to recover over the last decade.

The debts were in tax claims, uncollected accounts, theft or misappropriation of monies by public officials and expired government supplies across some agencies and ministries.

The money included Sh1.76 billion stolen at the Ministry of Water, between2001 and 2004, with the buying of the hugely over-priced water compressors. The ministry’s employees bought three water compressors at a price of $950,000 from Canada, instead of $210,000 for similar equipment from Belgium. This means $1.8 million dollars have been pocketed in that deal. No one has been arrested and no one has talked tough as the result of this daylight robbery without violence.

Deputy ministry for Finance Omar Yussuf Mzee, told Parliament while requesting for debt cancellation that about Sh 463 million was the amount stolen by dishonest workers. He said another Sh 11 billion was in pending arrears whose collection has become untenable, while Sh 1.3 billion has simply disappeared in irreconcilable accounts.

The Same East MP, Anne Kilango-Malecela told Parliament that his should be the last time the Bunge was asked to help the government clears debts it owes. “We will not accept in the future to hand you that privilege. It is unfortunate that we are letting thieves go scot-free.” She said, adding that Parliament should not approve embezzlement of public funds. The government has said nothing about taking stern measures on the unarmed robbers still in its offices.