"Bill thought he was the President, too"

                         The order of battle begins!

All week the fight between the rich guys, Igunga MP, Rostam ‘The shark’ Aziz and IPP boss Reggie ‘The whale’ Mengi has been in progress - to the delight to the rest of us.

Someone has accused both of having a joint conspiracy to sell their papers and hype up their media houses. It could be. One never knows. The ways of the rich guys are many. 

The shark started it. On Tuesday he waltzed through the offices of Prevention and Combating of Corruption Bureau (PCCB) and handed over a written testimony of the crimes allegedly committed by the whale. The PCCB received the dossier and it is now peacefully gathering dust in its offices.

In short, the shark was accusing the whale for his love for loans from banks. The rest of us have been asking – what’s wrong with taking loans from banks? I thought that’s the whole idea of having banks in the first place! That’s business. Sharks and whales can happily go to banks, get loans and trade.

The shark has accused the whale of getting a 28 billion loan from some bank. The shark was very touched by the fearsome amounts of the money. According to the him that dosh could build 100 brand new secondary schools to educate the poor kids of the United Republic of Tanzania. How touching. Suddenly sharks are now very sympathetic to the poor.  

But wait,one big, fat minute! How many secondary schools could the 133 billion stolen from the EPA scandal build? How many hospitals could the 40 billion shillings stolen by the Kagoda ghosts build? What about the 60 billion Dowans scandal which was about to happen? How many desks could the blatant thieving of that money stolen from radar scandal build?

How many teachers could be decently paid my monies stolen from Songas, IPTL, Deep Green rip-offs? If that money was decently used in this country, Tanzania could be calling itself a rapidly developing country!

Anyway the battle continues. The whale has now decided to counter, counter-attack. He has filed a formal suit at the High Court in Dar, demanding at least 10.5 billion/- from the shark for publishing false and defamatory statements against him through various media outlets.

The shark had accused the whale for being: “A fraudster, chronic debtor, tax evader, dishonest, uncreditworthy and an unethical businessman.”

And now the show goes to the High Court. The whale demands 10.5 billion/-in general damages and another 500 million/- in punitive damages. Some serious money that. I wonder how many secondary schools that money could build in the future. Maybe 10 universities – za nguvu!

Who knows, the whale might decide to be generous with the money, if he wins the case. So we might suggest that when he starts thinking of schools we should suggest the names. 

Arusha town could do with the University of Kambi ya Fisi. Lindi town, down south, needs a University of Chamaki Nchanga. Tukuyu town could be graced with a University of Masyabala.Tanga residents should be kicked of their lazy ways and be awarded with a University of Waja Leo. As for now - to the courts! 




                                       PASSAGE OF TIME LEAVES OUT NO ONE !!!  
                                                  I thought it happened only to me, 
                                  but was consoled and encouraged after receiving this, 

                                                                       RICHARD GERE  

                                                  ROGER MOORE (JAMES BOND  007)

                                                           ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

                                                                         CLINT EASTWOOD

                                                                        ROD  STEWART

Ou-c-h!

What’s your foreskin status?

If I heard Dr Kigoda right in the Bunge, circumcision among men in the fight against HIV/Aids helps. Some MP from Pemba, appropriately called Hafidh Ali Tahir (Dimani) had been asking about the joys of circumcision in the Bunge.

Joys? I don’t know about that. In his biography, ‘The road to freedom’, Africa’s icon, Mzee Nelson Mandela told the rest of us what happened when his group of young men reached puberty.

Mzee narrated that when the ngariba (cut-man) cut off the foreskin, you were supposed to jump up and yell: “I am a man!” When it came to our Mzee’s turn and the ngariba struck, Mzee said the pain was so intense that he forgot to yell the magic words.

Today times have changed. I got the ‘cut’ on day one. My old girl told me that when tots are born they have to do a wee and a pooh, which is good practice for stuff you are going to do for the rest of your life. I poohed but there was no wee. So the doctor searched my naughty parts only to find no pee hole on it. So he decided to do the operation of cutting it right there and then. I hear my pee flew all over the doc’s face and he called me a toto tundu.

But I still have memories of my brothers being hauled to the theatre howling for dear life. They will be awaited with a ‘cut-man’ with a sadistic glee on his face. I would never like to meet such a guy in the dark.

Today there is anesthesia, local anesthesia. The medics isolate your naughty parts and remove the foreskin while you are reading a newspaper or eating a sandwich. Then you go home. No need to yell that you are a man. You may have to walk a bit gingerly as the painkiller wears off, and might not be able to have fun with it for awhile. But that’s about it.

Trouble is, how to ask our honorable MPs if they have done the job themselves. Hon Tahir has obviously had the job done to him. In Kiswahili it is easier: “Mheshimiwa, umekata?” Even then, you could get extreme answers.

The MPs who comes from a ‘cut’ culture could feel offended that you even dared ask them such obvious things. You have to apologies effusively if you want to get away with such a question.

With an MP who doesn’t come from a ‘cut’ culture you might also get into trouble; “What is it to you, damn it? Whether I am cut or not, does it matter? The people of my constituency elected me to come and represent them in the Bunge. Not, I repeat, not how I look down there. I think this is a violation of human rights and I am going to sue you in court.”

“Sir, we have just heard that ‘cutting’ helps in the fight against HIV/Aids and…”
“You can bloody go to hell with your cutting business! Aids, or swine flu, I don’t care! And, by the way, my wife likes it as it is! Get out of my face, now!”

And, come to think of it, the question is awkward enough to ask our honorable MPs. The language must be couched appropriately. Now there is a question on ‘marital status’ to ask if the Hon. is married or not.

Maybe we should ask about the ‘foreskin status” of the Hon.? If it is negative society should assume that the MP is circumcised. If his foreskin status is positive, society would assume that that the Hon MP needs a cut. Ou-u-c-h!

Wala haiwezekani!

Choose: Politics or private business

The prez, Jack Mrisho.has told public rulers to choose to trade or become real politicians. They have chosen both. And there is nothing Jack can do about it. Maybe fire them outright. Which, he can’t do. Everyone knows that they are his buddies.

You see there is the selfishness which is inborn in mankind. We spend the rest of our lives trying to control that basic interest. But most of us fail. So we succumb to greed.

You have money, so you also want to be an MP. But that is not enough. How about being a minister? Even that is not enough. You want to be a prime minister.

But that also is not enough. How about wanting to be the president? That is cool. But, believe me dear reader, even that is not enough. After president they even eye the post of the Almighty himself. They want to be God!

As the prez, you can’t ask those psychological types to choose. They want to be both – businessmen and politicians. One feeds on another. If you have a bus company you would also like to sit at the Bunge in Dodoma. There you can lobby for another hefty loan of 29 buses from the ministry of transport and whatever. You talk to the movers and shakers themselves.

If you want to sell power to Tanesco, you support things like fake dealers calling themselves Richmond. The deal sails through like a ship in calm waters. Dare I say that the rich guys are swarming to join the parliament to go and do business there - not to represent their people!

So it’s me, me and me alone in their psyche. You cannot tell those guys to choose. Most the politicians cum businessmen have actually bought their way to the political positions. Some have used their businesses to oil the wheels of CCM. Everybody knows that. Everyone knows now that a cabal of businessmen is ruling Bongo by proxy.

This really is Jack Mrisho’s ball game. I also welcome the plan the sweeping reforms to the existing leadership ethics legislation. But, believe me those businessmen posing as politicians will never voluntarily choose between the two.

Maybe a Chadema MP, Mzee Ndesamburo, had a point when he said: “You can’t separate politics and business…in the past, such a thing was tried and it failed. If this law is eventually passed, I will hand over control of my businesses to my children and grandchildren…and continue with politics.”

That’s great honesty from Mzee Ndesamburo. They all will do that and declare that they don’t run any businesses. By the time the law is passed those businesses with be owned by baby ‘directors’ busy pooing and wee-weeing in their nappies!

Kula mkuyati

As horny as the Sultan of Zenj

No. It not my headline. I learnt it from music star, an African-American called George Benson. It was a lovely number. I am sure it still is.

Take two. Zenj. I love Zenj. The food, the guy and chicks and even the hypocrisy. They pretend a lot of stuff, even swear that there are no gays.

It doesn’t bother me. Humanoids are basically pretentious. We pretend to be what we are not. So when I was making my periodic sojourn to Zenj, I visited the Zanzibar museum.

I love history and I was amazed that one of the Sultans, Seyyed Said Bargash Bin Sultan had, believe it or not, a hundred wives! I read that stuff again and it said the guy had 100 chicks waiting for his works.

How did the guy do it? Then there were no viagra or scialis or erecto (super) tablets. You know the stuff the used today to pep up the works downstairs. He must have been using some strong local muti. I have heard of our local stuff – mkuyati. In Zimbabwe there is the famed vukavuka. I hear you and your partner will go for it like rabbits!

So how did the Sultan sustain a 100 wives? I looked at his bed in the museum and wondered how he did the job. Was there a secret gadget designed to help the bwana mkubwa in the works. The guy could have easily died of exhaustion.

In fact Zanzibar did not need to have a violent and bloody revolution. All the revolutionaries had to do was supply the sultan with more wives and the guy would have killed himself with chicks!

Did he make the wives queue for the fun? If this was the stuff then how could he rule? Because there was a saying that then: ‘If Zanzibar coughed, the Mainland caught a cold!’

But what if the sultan was always in different positions, with his wives. I mean how was he supposed to run Zanzibar? And there were no mobile phones then, when he could just ring the chick of the hour not to,er, grace the royal chamber!

Because if there were cellphones then the Sultan could always ring his prime minister and say “Oi, don’t call me. I am on the job with ten wives. Just tell the Brits to go to hell. If they want more negotiations give them Zenj chicks!”

But really, a 100 wives boggles the mind. Is it vanity or what? Mind you I hear that some of our ministers also have harems. They keep battalions of wives and try to multiply themselves as much as possible. No wonder the economy is is plummeting. The government is constantly in different positions. Mid you not in development policy, but in bed!

Good luck to them. What I will do is start a consultancy service. My shop will be selling viagra, scialis, vukavuka, mkuyati and erecto. Then I will be making friends with our modern-day sultans to bolster the population of the United Republic of Tanzania!

U-hanga wanaume Kenya

Kenyan women to strike?

The tale from Kenya is that the mademu in Kenya will deny their men folk conjugal rights to protest their dilly-dallying in the political process there. As neighbors we can only worry that Kenyans might go back to their nasty ways of butchering each other like they did last year. More than 1,500 died and the physical and psychological wounds are still fresh.

For certain Raila Odinga’s wife, Oda Idinga has agreed that withholding the joys of sex from their husbands for seven days could help pressure Kenyan politicians to speed up solving Kenya’s political troubles.

But politicians quickly forget that. It’s only their passion for power which matters. So the women have decided to inflict a penalty – no sex for seven days! The question is – will they succeed?

Personally I doubt it. Studies have shown that women are even more prone to power abuse than men. Power is sexy, you know. It equals getting money, legally and mostly illegally. But it’s money. Human beings find that very sexy.

So the question of Mzee Mwai Kibaki suffering from u-hunger is out. If Mama Kibaki goes on strike I am sure there are thousands of other Kenyan young bints who will gladly share state house bedroom with mzee.

The same goes for Premier Raila Odinga. I am sure there are thousands of Luo chicks who would love to replace Mama Oda Odinga. I say Luo women, because our neighbors are still hot about the ‘tribe’ thing. Ethnicity. Who wouldn’t want to be the first lady? So sexually starving Kenyan men simply won’t work.

Some have openly wondered if the Tanzanian fisadis should be starved sexually. That in a weeks time the fisadis will be suffering from acute cases of u-hunger and they will beg the Tanzanian people for mercy. That they will return the money in exchange of a chance to have a bonk.

Again, that is nonsense. As I said, money is extremely sexy. So once it is known that fisadis have taken tonnes of money from EPA, Kagoda, Tangold, Radar rip-off and other cases of grand theft (without punishment) the women, and some men, will be stalking them day and night.

Steal money and to put the icing on the cake nothing happens to you. You will still be called mheshimiwa thief and the chicks will be swooning before you with desire. What more can a man want? I always maintain that crime pays in Bongo.

We already have cases of fisadi guys who has been bonking chicks by the truck load and then buy them Rav4s per fling. I hear Toyota motors have sent these fisadis notes of congratulations for boosting the sales of their cars in Tanzania.

I have talked to a lot of women who have said, quite cynically, that a car for a sexual fling is worth it. “Who will know?” asked young lass with a cocky look on her face.

Indeed, who will know? You cannot tell. But you definitely can see her fancy car. Appearances are important to some feeble minded individuals.

In fact the thing to worry here is that the fisadis might die of exhaustion. It’s in their character. They want all the monies for themselves. So they will definitely want all the chicks for themselves. That could claim a lot of casualties. The fisadis may die of overdoing things.

So a few conscientious women might go on strike to teach the men a lesson. But thousands others will be hovering on the background, just waiting for a chance to partake in the feasting of the ill-gotten gains.

vuta ganja!

Fight cancer, smoke ganja!

No, its’not me saying. It is some US research team which has discovered the joys of smoking week. That it kicks the backsides of cancerous cells in women’s tits.

I have always suspected that weed has therapeutic elements in humans. It has a ‘feel-good’ effect on dour men and women. Not me, of course. I tried it when I was little and I saw the heavens come down sto crash me. It was not a very good experience.

Then I tried it while in the National Service. In fact we all tried it in the National Service. It did wonders to your drill session, from 11 a.m. to 1.00 a.m.. The biggest fun was the drill sergeant used to come to our gang and smoke ganja with us, before going to bark orders at us. Left turn!, Right turn! Mark time! (makitaima!) It was most hilarious seeing him pretending to be serious on the drill grounds.

We all did weed. I would like to see all those pretenders wearing suits who would tell me that they did not do weed. That they did not smoke ganja sometimes in their lives. Maybe, like Bill Clinton, they didn’t inhale.

Ganja has been having a very bad press. It is time world governments think of de-criminalising weed. The police in Mara region waste valuable time, eti, chasing and arresting weed growers, The thing is doing wonders to the local Mara Region economy. It is a lucrative export to neighbouring Kenya. That is what I cll good neighbouriness.

Holland has done the right thing. They have legalised it. You can go in some bar and buy a beer and a joint of marijuana and blow your blues away. No hassles.

I can’t understand us. You can buy a bottle of whisky and go ahead and pulversise your liver. That is regarded as cool. All is quiet. But if you take out a joint and light up the entire police force will be pointing guns at you. Police should be fighting armed robbers and rapists, not weed smokers.

Now science is discovering that if you do a bit of weed the cancer of the tits will leave you alone. In fact a lot has been said about the joys of cannabis sativa, or weed.

Some say that it does wonders to those who wallow in sex. Some guys around the Lake Victoria area say that when they blow the stuff they work like a horse.

In Iringa Region they eat the stuff. Lovely vegetables. In war soldiers use it to stave off fear. In war, the end justifies the means. I read somewhere that soldiers would be given stuff before they go to fight.

Now it is said weed is medicinal. Maybe the police should be informed about this. Most people are not smoking ganja to get bombed or something. They are simply avoiding the spread of cancer in their bodies!

Zipigwe Mahakamani

And now let’s rumble!

I had lovely week-end. Fights. Philippino Manny Pacquiano silenced a noisy British light welterweight, Ricky Hatton with a left hook in the second round in Las Vegas. Pacqiano simply switched off the lights for Ricky Hatton and that was it.

Then at home there was another fight – the shark versus the whale. After withstanding a withering attack from IPP boss, Reggie ‘the Whale’ Mengi, Igunga MP Rostam ‘the Shark’ Aziz went on a widely expected counter-attack.

He hit back by describing Mengi as a ‘corruption whale”. According to the shark, the whale has been very good at getting all those loans and not very good at paying them back.

But one would have thought that the whole idea of business is to get access to loans, do your gig, and repay the money. The whale’s legal reps were on Monday facing the media and swearing that the loans have been repaid.

According to the ‘Shark’, the ‘Whale’ played an active role in corrupt activities that contributed to bankruptcy of the National Bank of Commerce, which was owned by Tanzanians, and led to the its privatization at a throw–away price.

I hardly can re-call hearing a word of protest on the NBC scandal, from members of the CCM’s Central Committee at that time. This really opens the Pandora’s box.

The ‘Whale’ has brushed aside the ‘Shark’s allegations and told him to go to court: “I would like to give Rostam Aziz some free advice. He should go to court if he was wants to clear his name and defend himself against the corruption allegations leveled against him.”

Rostam has been adamant: “I’d like to make it clear that all the allegations against me are lies and rubbish.”

Lies and rubbish, eh? I think Rostam and other five business sharks should go to court. It seems like the Kagoda robbery was a pipe-dream. It never happened and the government can testify to that. EPA never happened, they say.

Curious thing – why was Rostam concentrating on damning down Mengi, instead of telling Tanzanians how squeaky clean he, the shark, is? Because the widely perceived conclusion is that the two fisadi fish, the shark and the whale, have been up to no good. Both are crooks. Allegedly! So why not go to the courts?

The Speaker of the Bunge Sam Six, has said that he doesn’t like the ‘Shark and the Whale show’, at all. That’s just too bad. But for the rest of us Tanzanians, who have seen our country being prostituted by financial pimps for the last three years, who would like to know – who is fooling whom?

This is a continuing match. Let the accused go to the courts and I am sure it will come out as to who is the real shark and who is the whale. The people of Tanzania will be the refs. It’s time to rumble now!