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Bombs explode in Dar!
This noon my buddy and I sat sipping ginger tea when we heard a loud explosion.
“Must be the rains on their way out.” I observed as I reached out for a kitumbua.
My friend phone rang and he became all excited. “Adam a bomb!”
“Yeah! Yeah!.” Said I still feeling groggy from late night attentions, “If a bomb exploded then it must be by none other than Reggie Mengi of IPP. He is the one who has been exploding bombs – political bombs. Last week government minister Sophia Simba has been making noises to ban people from exploding political bombs…”
“No man. This is for real! Bombs have exploded at Mbagala. It could be a revolution…” he guys blurted, obviously confused.
“Nonsense. Mbagala has a ammo dump and ammo dumps tend to explode once you treat them carelessly.” I told my excited friend.
Indeed. I hoped that no one got hurt. In Bongo we have no civil defense units. People are not even told that such areas are no-go areas. But most people, and vibakas, love disaster. They usually go there to rob other nosey people.
Terrorist love such a scenario. You explode a small bomb and let the curious, nosey ones and vibakas gather there to ‘see’. That is when the terrorists explode the real big bomb and you have carnage amongst you. God forbid!
Eco-terrorists sabotage Union ceremony!
Last Sunday, a day which was supposed to be of jubilation, almost turned into a day of mourning. A plane from Dar sent to pick up Zanzibar President Amani Abeid Karume failed to land at Zenj airport. Instead it turned tail and went back to Dar es salaam.
A communiqué released by a shadowy terrorist group, the Adverse Weather Conditions Liberation Front (AWCLF) has vowed to sabotage the airport until the revolutionary Government of Zenj joins the muafaka talks.
The President of the United Republic of Tanzania, JK was a lonely figure as he waited for President Karume at Dar es Salaam’s Uhuru Stadium.
Even his well-known smile could not lift the mood of the AWCLF as it continued to pound both Dar es Salaam and Zanzibar with constant rains.
In Zenj, the secretary to the President, Haroud Shaib, cautioned against “wild speculation”. Some wild animals, like monkeys and Zenj lions (on tour from Ngorongoro) were seen lurking near the airport. Government officials vowed that the AWCLF would be defeated, not with harsh action, but by rectitude and kindness of the people of Tanzania.
Mr Shaib noted however that Zanzibar Chief Minister Shamsi Vuai Nahodha and his deputy Ali Juma Shamhuna and several members of the Zanzibar cabinet attended the 45 anniversary show. Some were photographed with Prez himself – they were reportedly talking about the weather.
Meanwhile a high-powered probe team has been set-up to check out the claims of AWCLF. I is comprised of respectable chaps whose names have been linked to EPA scandals. (Continued on Page 94)
Jobless? Start a Church
I was talking to a young lad and he was busy complaining of lack of jobs around. “Try clearing and forwarding.” I suggested helpfully.
“I can’t sir. I am not a member of the ruling party NEC. Neither do I belong to the CCM itself.” He complained.
“Ok. Why don’t you seek a job in some bank, or something?” I said.
“I would sir. But my father is not a highly placed official in the government. He is a peasant.”
“Okay. Try logging, my boy. It’s a good business.You simply cut trees and export them to Thailand and China. There is money there.”
“Mzee, But I don’t know the director of forestry.” The eager young man replied.
I looked at him thoughtfully. Obviously the lad needed help. He did not have his father’s coat tails to hang on. He was just alone, and he needed a job. Society was on the verge of making another gangster. That’s what jobless teens turn to. Most girls and boys turn to prostitution.
Then it came to me. “Look young man, why don’t you start a Church? There is good dough in churches. Something like Church enterprises. There is good dosh. It is tax free and TRA doesn’t bother you.”
“How do I do that sir?” he enquired anxiously.
“First give yourself a rank. Call yourself something like ‘Reverend’ Then you start preaching that you can cure anything – AIDS, you can make cripples walk, you can bring the dead back to life. Tell whoever will listen to you that you can raise the dead. They wake up from their graves and start dancing the rumba, or something.”
“Will they believe that sir?”
“Of course. Just believe in your lies and they will believe in whatever song you sing. Then after two months promote yourself to archbishop and say Haleluhya everytime.”
“But sir, will they buy that?”
“Of course. Never forget that there is a sucker born every minute in this world. They will believe whatever you say. It is good business, the, religion business.”
“Thanks sir. I think I will start a church.”
“Do that, my lad. You want me to suggest a name for your church?”
“Yessir!”
“Okay. Call it the Full Nondo Gospel Church. It pays. Just don’t forget to Haleluhya a lot. And when you get a crowd of worshippers announce that you will run for parliament”
“How so?”
“By that time you will have all those titles. You could call yourself prophet. So your name will be Dr. Prophet Nicodemus (MP) of the Full Nondo Gospel Church!”
“Sounds great, sir.”
“Go for it, young man!”
Tanzanian mwins Miss India contest
In a brilliant display of Indo-Tanzania cooperation Miss India was chosen in Dar es Salaam last week-end. Most Tanzanians leapt with joy when Miss Sunitra Prakash was chosen as Miss India for the next 12 years.
A Tanzanian source said Bongo has learnt a lot from India. “We have learnt that when we have to have these beauty contests we have to have certain categories. They have to be light skinned, and have nothing from shoulders up. If we can’t get those types in Tanzania then we will borrow some beauties from India.” He said.
He said that plans are afoot to take a dozen Tanzanian girls, with nothing from shoulders up, to go and train in India on how to look like Miss Tanzania. They should also know how to eat curry.
The Miss India event in Dar was seated with an all Tanzanian judge panel. They were Mr Tandoori Chakarbourty, Mr Amitabh Naan, Mr Bipin Suresh, Mr Pratap Singh Dhillon, Miss Muntaz Lawalawa and Mr Gutkha Tambuu. Also present was the contest organiser Miss Hashim Lundeng…sorry Mr Hashim, who has been the kingpin in organising the annual contest.
Others were Mr Bipin Daal Bajia who has a tight eye for good looking girls, Mr Bateta Wada and Miss Tikka Mushkaki who is an expert in beauty contests.
As the Miss India contestants displayed their curves soothing tunes by Jagjit and Chitra Singh were played, to the delight of the audience whose majority was African. One known Catholic worshipper intimated to this columnist that he would convert to Hinduism. “I have never been so touched by the ghazals of Jagjit and Chitra Singh.”
Sources in the ministry of fun, said that they are seriously thinking of organising the Miss India contest on a weekly basis. They said they will soon contact their minister to see the possibly of organising the event at State House. This will also boost the prestige of the nation. The nation will then look nice and pretty.
Ministry for fun officials also intimated that they will ask deputy minister Joe Bendera to teach the contestants how to play football. “The idea is to make them multi-talented. One minute they will be wriggling their arses and the next they will be playing football.” Said a source.
After her win Miss Sunitra Prakash was asked how she felt to win millions and become the new Miss India in Tanzania. “Ane, Ve in India like the pally
pally relations viz Tanjanya.” She said – a thing which caused a standing ovation.
Asked what makes two and two, she thought for awhile, “Ane, you know vee in India do sums like dat. Ve in India ask like dis, two two make vat? I say four. Sawa? You understand? Umeshalewa?”
Is the 'dudu' curable or not?
The almost desperate struggle to find the cure for HIV/Aids is going on and on. One thing about this struggle is humankind’s effort to wipe it out of the face if the earth.
The solution to the cure of the pandemic has ranged from the plausible to the ludicrous. Every herbalist swears by everything: “HIV/Aids is not a disease. It has its roots on poverty.” Claimed former South African president Thabo Mbeki. I wonder what South Africa’s president elect, Jack Zuma thinks of the war against HIV/Aids. Uncle Zuma is into wives. He has two wives and co0ming soon is a third nchumba.
Anyway Thabo Nbeki ended up getting a very bad press. But more thoughtful Africans have kept a deafening silence over the matter. Ask any African president whether he had drunk herbs as he or she was growing up and they will gladly say yes.
Of course the herbalist would not be wearing fancy white gowns and gloves. But people get cured. I once met a guy having a beer and I quickly pointed his foot. The last time I met him he had a very bad ulcer. Frankly he was stinking.
Now he was okay, having a beer and gave me his story: “I met this aunt from Dodoma. When I explained, she pooh-poohed the whole story. Then she ground a few leaves into a pulp and applied the stuff into the ulcer. The rest is history.”
The rest is for this scribe to tell you the guy who gave me his story is a medical doctor trained at Muhimbili University College of Health and Sciences
You see there are other cultures who are very brilliant at pinching from other cultures. The Europeans pinched the secret of destroying various fevers from the use of quinine. The Aztecs and Incas knew about the ball games ages ago.
We have been using local herbs for ages. But when quacks came in from foreign lands they got us proper medicines, with fancy wrappings to add value. We know that they spend ages in our forests looking for potions which has made Africans survive over centuries.
We have been stung by Africa’s deadliest snakes, we have survives slave trades – the American and Arab ones, we have been made dinners by lions and other carnivore.
All that abuse by other races and the African is still round. Enslaved and now you see the African competing against another African in the 100 metres of the Olympic finals. Wasn’t he a Kenyan last year?
Oh, they are about to find the latest way to fight HIV/Aids. Male ‘cuts’ could hold back HIV spread says a report. So they have discovered that, eh? A study shows that if the males have ‘cuts’, meaning circumcision this could significantly reduce new HIV infections in the population as a whole.
But the experts hastily add that you must wear the condoms. It seems that many have opted for local herbal potion. The foreigners are told to wait and use ARVs. They could work. I does not mean the end of the world. And they ignore the ‘roots’ Some even call it outright quackery.
But if that is quackery, how come once in a while you find some ‘experts’ in some bush eagerly sampling out our roots. Are they doing that for fun or has the African forests have something to offer the rest of humanity. It will be presented and discovered to the world by Western scientists, of course.
Stop governmen bullying!
The other day I was watching the Minister in the President’s Office, Hawa Ghasia performing in the Bunge. She was threatening MPs that their privileges and immunities that go with their offices do not cover them against holding classified government documents.
The baby-faced minister was wagging a government finger and threatening MPs that using such documents for political motives were breaking the law, that anyone holding such documents was liable to prosecution – because there is no immunity for such MPs. She was threatening MPs with jail.
Sounds like an idle threat to me. I mean MPs are politicians. If they get rot in government (and there is plenty of it), it is their job to blow the whistle. Some politicians have made quite a name for themselves – simply for doing their job. And may they be blessed for that.
Mama Ghasia should be reminded that the people of the United Republic of Tanzania, would never have heard of the theft of 130 bn /- External Payment Arrears accounts. They would never have heard of rip-offs of Kagoda. They would never even had a whiff of the Tanzanian Embassy premises in Italy, the buying of scrap helicopters of the army, the radar rip-off and presidential jet scam.
The scandals were not announced amid great fanfare to the people by the government of Tanzania. They were announced by patriotic MPs, who have had enough of crap. People can take just enough. Now they are saying enough is enough! That will not go away by crude government bullying.
Everyone knows whom the MPs Mama Ghasia was talking about. The government wants to paint them as some kind of criminals, stealing secrets
and embarrassing our great, benevolent government. That they are terrorists!
Well, the government’s ‘terrorists’ are the freedom fighters of the vast majority of Tanzanians. When they speak they are listened to and trusted by the people. If the government touches them it only makes them instant heroes.
From the way it was described, it is as if the ‘criminal’ MPs were busy stealing government secrets. That’s is very wrong, Mama Ghasia. MPs don’t go spying in government offices.
The fact is the sources of those ‘secrets’ are patriotic government officials who have had it up to their necks, with the muck they see within the government. They leak the stuff to clear their consciences and just try to do something in their humble way to fight the rot. They are the silent heroes, not from a sinister foreign organization, but from the government itself.
It is a surprise that the politics of the 1960s are creeping back in Bongo today. The government should stop the politics of intimidating the MPs. Presently Tanzanians are eagerly waiting the annulment of bad laws which are perceived oppressive and contrary to the constitution and good governance. That is what the government should be talking about. Government bullying in this age is of particularly of bad taste!
Cop caught poaching
A lowly corporal commanding the Loksale section in Monduli District, in Arusha Region last week decided to emulate Tanzanian leaders by ‘eating’ from his office. The corporal was caught poaching.
The corporal with an apt name of Amani, decided to wreak violence to the wildlife in his area. He was caught with three dead giraffes with a fellow poacher, the Loksale primary schoolteacher, one Amiru.
Wildlife officials caught the duo in a vehicle laden with the dead giraffes. They had with then two sub-machine guns, property of the police department.
He will face a court martial.
One can imagine in his defense, Corporal Amani chuckling and say: “But I was planning to sell meat from two giraffes. What about those big shots in Dar who stole $11 billion as tax exemptions from Tanzanians?”
Last week former finance minister, Basil Mramba told a Dar court that the tax exemption granted to an international gold production audit firm, which caused the country a loss of $11 million, was authorized by the Mkapa administration.
Mramba admitted that he signed the notice in favour of Alex Stewart (assayers) Government Business Corporation, but said it was on instruction from State House.
Sweet, just sweet! School kids sitting on floors, no books, no teachers, babies born on floors of local dispensaries and you give tax-exemption of $11 million!
The verdict is clear here. Corporal Amani and his fellow poacher should be given life behind bars for his crimes. On the other hand State House honchos should be given medals for exemplary service to our economy. Forgiving filthy rich wazungus from paying tones of money to the Tanzanian treasury!
