Chantal Biya: the first lady of Cameroon

At the African First Ladies Health Summit, which started on Monday in Los Angeles, one woman stood out...

from zenj with luv

Creative accounting in Zenj 

 

The pay is not the greatest in Zenj, The pay is not the greatest in all Bongo. Unless, of course, you are a politician in the winning party.

 

Which is why people most people have decided to 'eat’ using their offices. I remember a colleague (now doing time in jail) decided to  'kill’ his father three times before we found out his tricks.

 

Some 22 accountants in Zenj also decided to be creative and earn themselves some more dosh. The Zanzibari government painfully found out that the guys siphoned off a billion shillings. They paid ghost workers 

and promptly pocketed the money themselves.

 

Which makes sense to me. How do I starve when millions pass through my hands everyday?  You become, you know, creative.

 

Personally I would never have made a decent accountant. I would have been in jail ages ago.  Besides, I hate the power thing. I believe that accountants are sub-consciously dictators and sadists. Just look at their faces when they tell you that your cheque is not ready yet.

 

I mean it! Look at the sadistic glee your accountant wears on his or her face when they tell you that your money is not ready yet. You wonder if the guy is about to get an orgasm or something.

 

Over the years societies realised that accountants had this ‘thing’ about them. They created another department – the audit section.  Many an accountant have ended up in the lam. It’s not even a newsworthy story when an accountant is jailed.

 

Rock star, Sting, had 3.5 million pounds (7 billion) siphoned off by his accountant. Sting is a multi-millionaire. He never felt the sting of his accountant ‘eating’ his money. It was the auditors who found that out. The accounting thief

 

Partly the problem in Zenj is in names. Do you know that Haji Salum Haji and Salum Haji Salum are two different persons? They are not even related.

 

Okay try this: Iddi Pandu Iddi and  Pandu Iddi Pandu. Not related. They don’t even know each other. Jecha Haji Jecha and Hajji Jecha Haji are two different geezers. An auditor’s nightmare.

 

So the accountants in Isles got busy and creative. They discovered 1,400 Salum Haji Salums and lived it up – maybe acquiring more wives in the process (It’s s an African thing). Luckily they got nabbed.

nyama choma

plenty of nyama choma around

Eat nyama choma. That’s an order!

 

I frankly find it very hilarious. The Opposition in parliament has blamed the government for failing to enlighten the people on the benefits of eating nyama choma, beer and eggs for good health. 

 

At a show in Dodoma the opposition has also blamed the government for not forcing Bongo people to drink milk which is in abundance in the country.

 

Shadow Minister Mwadini Abbas Jecha who is MP for Wete (CUF) told the MPs that meat-eating, especially nyama choma, has always been down in the country. 

I take it that Hon. Jecha was trying to be funny. If it was that, then hats off to the mheshimiwa.

 

Armed with statistics, the shadow minister said on the average the people of Bongo eat only 12 kilos of meat 54 eggs and drink only 30 litres of milk, while every Kenyan chops 20 kilos of meat, 300 eggs sand guzzles at least 70 litres of milk per year.

 

The shadow minister said that people of Bongo should eat at least 50 kilos of meat, 300 eggs and 200 litres of milk a year. 

The mwashimiwa should be politely reminded that kind of talk borders on the ludicrous. It’s not that you have to present your good looks to get free meat, eggs and milk. 

You bloody have to buy the stuff!

 

You have to pay with good, old cold dosh. You pay for it. Okay, MPs can afford it. Why do you think they literary fall all over themselves come electiontime? Not because of a higher ideal. 

They want to get some money so that they can buy nyama choma (Near Dodoma) and guzzle beer.

 

In the morning you can drink a cold glass of milk while waiting for your scrambled eggs on toast.

To ask Tanzanians why are they refusing to eat eggs and eat meat and drink milk is insensitivity of the highest order. That, in the country where the vast majority the people live on literally nothing, but empty promises by the rulers.

 

Why don’t our honourables say that the people of Bongo should eat more fruit? It is healthy. I met a man from the Mbeya referral hospital He looked poorly. You could not say he was a picture of good health. One his daughters stopped near some fruit kiosk, and  "Baba, you have been told eat oranges". 

She bought two oranges for her daddy.

 

On enquiry the father was only suffering of lack of vitamin C. And some MPs say that Tanzanians should eat more meat, eggs and milk. 

Cruel joke!   

 

of male and female fish (or fishes?)

Only male fish should be harvested?

One thing I love about our Bunge is that it can be vastly entertaining. Apart from the bum numbing speeches you hear some gems of humour. 

Bum-numbing speeches because you get the impression what some honourables don’t know what they are talking about.

 

Y’see, Bongo have come to believe that guys wearing some mostly frayed and out of fashion suits are vastly intelligent than the rest of the wananchi. 

Which is nonsense, of course. Anyone, at least most of us can wear suits. What with the mtumba culture we have embraced? 

But does that make you clever? An emphatic no! I’ll tell you what – what is the biggest thing con-men do when they want to make a kill. 

They wear natty clothes and are usually armed with smart-looking briefcases.

 

Now that takes you in and you dip you hand, take out your wallet, gladly part with your hard gained moola.  But things are changing. 

If I see some bore droning on and on about what his or her ministry is going to do, or rather not do, to the people of Bongo, I stab my TV remote control for better entertainment. 

 

You know the guys are simply performing for the cameras. TV is a politician’s oxygen. Without it he is dead. No wonder they try as much as possible to compromise the press. And we oblige. Njaa. 

And which is why every biggie has started his press unit – stories and pictures of which are forcefully rammed down the throats of the conventional press. 

 

 But, as I said earlier the honourables can be funny. One suggested that the only way to increase fish stocks in our lakes and rivers is to catch only male fish. Which is brilliant!

 

The remaining male fish will be having a ball – having harems of female fish. You can imagine the fight of the female fish over a male salmon (Mbasa) in Lake Nyasa, or the migiebuka in Lake Tanganyika, or tilapia in Lake Vicky. 

But is the government ready to call the fish riot police to bring peace to furious female fish fighting over the few remaining male fish?

 

And, try telling that to a fisherman in, say, Lake Nyasa. 

The fish police will stop him and:  "Hey how many fish, what’s your catch there?"

"Twenty sir. Six males and fourteen females." The fisherman will reply.

"I am afraid you have to throw the females back to the lake. That’s government regulation".

"But sir, that is ruination! I have a family".

"Orders are orders! Female fish chicks will have to be thrown back to the lake. We need plenty of fish babies". the fish police, probably a sergeant, will bark

nana in iringa talks

Hi Lusekelo,

 

I am Nnala K. Mwakanyamale currently residing in Iringa town. I got an opportunity to read your article published in DAILY NEWS Wednesday, April 22, 2009 page 4. The heading of your short article goes this way,"When Imagination Run High".

 

I think reps from Tanzania Island have something in their minds far too than imaginations. When you talk about oil rich countries, it comes to mind that you are talkining about wealth. This is to say, you simply talk about rich countries. Crude oil is liquid, this is to say it is easily converted into monies given the importance attached to it. Besides, crude oil cannot be compred to food stuffs like mchicha, and social practices like marriege. Ofcourse, you can get married to a nigerian woman without benefiting from their crude oil reserves present in their country.

 

Actually, I have not ready the Muungano treaty and I do not know what it includes and excludes when it comes to the use of resources discovered or present from the other side. What I see, read and here is that there are potential problems regarding Muungano and there are no deliberate efforts to solve them. This can be one of the reason why, some Island reps start pulling out the Muungano pot when valuable assets like crude oil is being discovered on their side. I think they are trying to use loopholes present in the Muungano treaty, this is just my opinion.

 

Another reason from my own perspective is; Muungano was set to carter for joint benefit, I mean both Tanganyika and Zanzibar to win from it. This is to say, people from Tanganyika and Zanzibar had such expectation at the time their leaders signed the treaty. Mind you, planned course of action is not necessarily what is implemented. I think, especially people from Tanzania island are fade up by the Muungano implimentation given they are not opportunists and greedy.

 

Regards,

 

Nnala Mwakanyamale.

muluzi factor

Mubaraka welcomes Muluzi in Cairo, then

Et tu Bakili Muluzi?

 

Malawi’s former ruler, Bakili Muluzi has been charged with multiple counts of corruption, which is a polite way of saying stealing. 

He has allegedly pinched $12 million of his own people’s money. I hear he did this by fiddling and pocketing the dosh through the United Republic of Tanzania.

 

Muluzi, who was arrested last week by Malawian agents of the Anti-Corruption Bureau (ACB), has been charged with 42 counts of corruption, theft and breach of trust. ACB Director, Gustave Kaliwo Mr Muluzi allegedly stole another $50,000 which the Malawi government sent to its high commission in Dar es Salaam. Just like that!

 

There should be some complicity on the Tanzania and knowing how greedy we can be, with no compunction all.

 

The $12 million were donor funds. The moneys from Taiwan, Morocco, Libya and Rwanda, were meant for development projects.

 

First I give a nod of approval to the ACB and it’s agents. Muluzi is a rich man, he might have made the agents, er, see reason by giving out back-handers to agents. Of course compared to our agents in Tanzania Anti-Corruption ours are (ZZZZzzzzzz!).

 

Malawi has been suffering a crippling famine. Women have been selling their own children so that they can buy food for the rest of the children food.

 

And someone steals $12 million, and puts the money snugly in his account. One would hope Mr Muluzi is found innocent. 

But if found guilty for such nefarious deeds, he should be thrown in the lam for a long time It should not be like Bongo, where big time theft is rewarded handsomely.

 

We once were told to offer 'proof’ that some guys stole, while everybody knew, that the ruler and his hangers-on were doing some stealing in money or favour. But things are changing now.

 

So when you see some of our rulers, all teeth, shaking hands and looking at the cameras, you should look at the other side. They are calculating on how to raid their countries’ treasuries. 

But they should now start looking over their shoulders. Their former empire, where people once worshipped them and their families, will strike back. 

In fact it’s very past time to strike back. Just who do they think they are?

 

ACHANA NA MSOSI

ARE YOU A FOODIE OR NOT ?

Strange world. While we are worrying about hunger in East Africa, the people in the West are worrying about too much food. They have too much to eat. Too fat the gyms are making a killing while trying to reduce fat torsos.

Their mouths go to overdrive everywhere. Munch, chomp, chew! But they have large middle-classes, which mean food manufacturers pay attention to them.

So you get diet things - coke, yoghurt and chocolate and I think diet friends. They spend most of their times not eating than eating! They guys practically dig their graves with their teeth!

The wazungus are very picky eaters. I remember once the media said that fruit was good for you and everyone descended on fruit. Then someone talked about mad-cow diseases and the sale of beef crashed.

Now we have the scare of bird flu. The thing is a deadly killer. Several
people have been killed by the stuff – but hardly a tsunami number.

Some migrating birds from Europe are coming to Africa and if we don’t watch out they will infect out kukus and maybe kill most of us.

Well, I don’t know. If a guy got hold of his amore and offered her a charcoal grilled chicken. Will the bint say no?

Check the scenario. Some guy offers things to impress his mpenzi: “Hi baby, how about some grilled kuku and a lovely, drink. How does that sound?”

Ideally it would be: “Oh no! There is a danger of bird flu pandemic all over the world, you want to kill me or something?” she would scream and the guy will feel bad that he was planning to kill his woman.

But let’s be realistic. Here is a guy in Bongo, he has got his ‘pay’ from some exploiting company, then he goes to meet his baby: “Hi baby, how about a grilled chicken and a cold drink.”

She will hug him and say: “Oh you sexy man! How romantic you are! Throw in a couple of grilled bananas, to be washed down with a glass of chilled white wine.”

These things are a little exaggerated I think. Yes, there is HIV/AIDS. Education for the people will help tremendously. Education on the cheap, not seminars by people trying to be intelligent about it.

Bongo is ill-equipped to fight AIDS, and bird flu and even hunger. God loves Bongo. As a sage once said, when in dire straits always say – it could have been worse.

Now ask your lady or guy whether they would like grilled chicken and tell me if they will say no.