adam lusekelo online

2010-12-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

Africa’s new crop of deadly clowns

It started with Zimbabwe’s dictator, Bob Mugabe. After ruling Zim since independence in 1980 Mzee Bob got a taste of power, loved it and decided to keep it.

Over decades the people of Zim got tired if him. They voted him out. But since he controlled the instruments of power and state muscle (army, police and party thugs) Mzee Bob decided to stay put. He thumbed his nose at his people and millions of Zimbabweans have now voted with their feet and fled the country.

Zimbabwe is run by Mzee Terror, his wife and cronies company limited. Ironically the people of Zimbabwe fought and died for freedom and independence in the chimurenga war of liberation. The liberators have turned into a terrorists.

Mzee Bob has been forced into a hated power-sharing form of government with opposition leader Morgan Tvangirai. This wa after the mzee clearly lost the elections. But he would have none of it

Enter Mwai Kibaki of Kenya. He too, had a taste of power and decided that no one else looked pretty being president of Kenya, except himself. So when the Kenyans voted him out, he decided that they were out of their minds. So he fiddled with the figures and crudely stole the elections. This was with a lot of help from the Kenyan electoral bodies appointed by Mzee Mwai himself.

The Kenyans told him to stuff it and decided to fight. More than 1500 Kenyan souls died in the mayhem until Mzee Kibaki agreed to common sense. He was forced o share power with the real winner, Raila Odinga of the Orange Democratic Movement (ODM). And Kenya now even has a new constitution.

Just when we are about to relax we hear there is another clown in Cote D’Ivoire. Monsieur Laurent Gbagbo, who has been ruling have the country for the past 10 years, has also taken a taste for power. Last week he got soundly clobbered by his opponent, Alassane Ouattara. Now war drums are sounding out all over the country. There is a smell of blood all over.

I was just wondering – is that it? Is this a new trend in our continent? In the post-independence 60s Africa had crude and brutal coups and a way to change power. Lately we have decided butchering each other as a way of sustaining power is too crude for almost everybody. Now we are having the blatant stealing of polls.

If you lose? Well, you stick around forcefully. You are wearing the guns. You have the murderous thugs on your payroll. You have the muscles. That, in common language, is called dictatorship. Is that the new trend in Africa?

Do people have to be pushed around until, in desperation, they decide to go for their pangas and stones and butcher each other? Because one can see it coming. Former President of Sausi, Thabo Mbeki has tried to talk sense to the two Ivorian leaders, but both sides seem to be adamant. Both have appointed and sworn-in their governments.

Looking at all those instances and you will find no noble ideal for the good of their people. In all cases it is all because of naked greed in all the three cases I have mentioned above. It is all about who does the eating.

One wonders – is Bongo next? Is that the shape of things to come or are we also going to opt for governments of ‘national reconciliation? I can see it being experimented in Zenj. Will it work?

2010-12-04T05:07:00.001-08:00

We demand a new constitution now!

Maybe she was being starry-eyed after being sworn-in as a new cabinet officer in the ministry of constitutional affairs last week. The brand new minister, Celina Kombani rejected the need for to overhaul the Tanzanian constitution branding the call for it “pedestrian.”

Privately I doubt if she lives in such a cloud-cuckoo land not know the overwhelming call for a new constitution. I gather she said that such talk is “pedestrian” which I wonder if the reporter wanted to equate with the Kiswahili – maneno ya mtaani.

“Let them come with something concrete in writing, showing which sections (of the constitution) have problems, why and suggest the alternative. The government should not be forced to respond to these sensitive issues through reading newspapers.”

Do I detect am tinge of pooh-poohinh of newspapers and the media in Aunt
Celina’s dismissal? Because I suspect that her ladyship is implying that
what is read in the papers ought not to be trusted or taken into serious
consideration. Only those words uttered in official circles are ‘serious’ and intelligents while the rest of us are bull-shitting! Only they can think and have the monopoly of brains.

If there was no need form constitutional review and reform why did the Prez, Jack Mrisho himself, think that the heavyweight issued merited a whole ministry? He should have made her a minister for something else.

Strange. For, at the same time opposition MP for Wawi, Hamad Rashid
Mohammed of the Civic United Front (CUF) has cautioned against the now
tired tactic of government pussy-footing to escape from responsibility.

Mr. Hamad said that his party has filed more than three letters to the
Government talks over constitutional changes nothing has been done: “Who
does not know the long cry of having a new constitution, we wrote a letter to
President Kikwete when he took over the office in 2005, and likewise to
former President Benjamin Mkapa but nothing has been done.” He said
That the ninth parliament he prepared private motion but was not given
a chance either.

Academics, politicians and the public at large have been clamoring and
calling for a review of constitution and everyone knows that – except Aunt
Celina. She thinks all that is “pedestrian.”

Which makes one wonder – was there a need for a whole ministry of
constitutional affairs? If so – then what is her job description then?
Maybe to tell Tanzanians that there is no need for a new constitution. So we got ourselves a brand new ministry of constitution affairs to tell us that we don’t need a new constitution! No wonder we have a bloated cabinet.

I hear that the minister cautioned that if not handled properly, it could
plunge the nation into serious problems.

Indeed. Dismissal and pooh-poohing of such matters of national importance
as “pedestrian” does not bode well for Bongo. Or, maybe Aunt Kombani
was a bit excited and loudly thinking with her mouth.

The minister further claimed that the craving for a full review of the
constitution was not in the interest of citizens and the government. It
reminds me of statements I used to read during the cold ideological wars between eastern European and capitalist countries,
of the 50s and 60s. Then you got those statements from the ministry of
Interior,

Today, I would wish that politicians should check their gearing systems,
before engaging their mouths. The demand for a new constitution is real. It should not, at any moment, be treated as a gift from politicians to the people of Bongo who voted for them in the first place!

2010-11-27T02:41:00.000-08:00

After poll gains I would consolidate myself

We are witnessing quite some exciting times. The political climes are changing. Opposition parties, Chadema and the Civil United Front (CUF) have made agreeable gains in the just-ended general elections while very questionable things have been coming from the ruling party, CCM and its government.

Political pundits have felt that CCM has for long been engaged in political self-destruct. It has been conducting political hara-kiri, thinking it could always manipulate Tanzanians and literally get away with murder. The people, through their votes are saying no. Not anymore.

I don’t know whether it’s a heightened sense of euphoria on the part of the opposition or ill advice. But Chadema has come out and said that they don’t recognize the results of the presidential elections in which the Prez, Jack Mrisho Kikwete, has been given the go-ahead to continue with the job for his final five-year stint.

If I was a member of the opposition, I would, of course, voice my serious misgivings about the results. I mean, everyone in Bongo is questioning – what has happened to millions of votes in the presidential votes which simply ‘disappeared’. Word in the street is that the figures were crudely messaged by the National Election Commission (NEC).

Even the state organs, like sekyuliti, have been implicated. They have snarled their denial. But then, they would do that, wouldn’t they?

Everyone with common sense in Tanzania knows this is the last dime for the NEC. I doubt if it will last another 12 months. And I think that is what the opposition should be fighting – the scrapping of that one-party supremacy anachronism called NEC.

If I was in the opposition, I would also mobilize for a strong movement for a new constitution. Not for the review, but the drafting of a brand new constitution. This colonial joke we call the constitution should go – fasta!

It is ridiculous. What we have got here is a constitution for a monarchy. The president is almost God. He reins over us mortals at will. We are all ruled and exist at his pleasure. Thank God we have had relatively level-headed God-fearing rulers since independence. What if we would be unfortunate and get murderous clowns as rulers, you wonder.

If I was the opposition, I would consolidate by intensifying the ‘Operation Sangara’, which everyone knows has borne fantastic results. I would concentrate on civil and parliamentary mobilization. Aim for more legislators in Parliament. Then, come 2015 we would have expected change.

You see, one would have thought that the focus should be of the big picture, not one passport size photo. On winning the wider war, not a battle. Whether you like it or not, the ruling CCM has been thumped on the nose.

Now, thumps to the nose are usu

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ally very painful, especially to people who have been used to riding roughshod over others. Bullies.

Ideology is dead, you see. There is only the ideology - of making money. The campaigns for office have been not about improving peoples’ lives. One side people knows that by saying they want to fight and improve the lives of their people, the candidates were actually meaning the lives of their own bank accounts and that of their families.

We have a start. But, come 2015 people will ask what development has been introduced in their constituencies. That’s a good start. If there is nothing to show for it, then they should be kicked out and make way for those more capable of delivering!

2010-11-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

The genie wakes up!

After more than 40 years of being subjected to outrageous doses of chlorophorm and other sleep inducing substances, the Tanzanians are waking up from a decades a long stupor. People, especially the youths, have decided to say that they have seen through the numerous farces and lies and they are going to do something about it.

After the elections, it seems not anymore. The people of Tanzania have said enough is enough. Basta - As the Italians would say when they have it up to their necks. The opposition numbers going to the Legislature have doubled to more than 50. Premier Mizengo ‘Pete’ Pinda has rightly been bounced back Very sexy, if you ask me.

I still don’t know about this democracy business in the CCM, when they bar men from contesting for the Speaker system. Still, I can breathe with Aunt Anna Makinda
in the Bunge and not some political dinosaur as Speaker.

Those ruling party MPs, who have been treating the Bunge like a well-paying and glorified air-conditioned guest house will have to wake up have been jolted to sanity after being kicked in the butt. More should be kicked out, now! The greatest victory for the majority of Tanzanians is the surprise realization – so it can be done then?

So a government of a bunch of clowns who have been acting as demi-gods can simply be removed by a vote? Indeed – who dares wins! The next thing is the knock-on effect. After last Sunday people have realized their own power.

Historically revolutions have been festered, reared and sparked from the cities. It is in the cities where you get the glaring inequalities in society and it is in the cities where you get a radicalized populace, eager to sacrifice themselves.

The changes in Bongo have started in Dar es salaam, Mwanza, Mbeya and other urban centres. In Mbeya they have even said it is better to hire a DJ than listen to the empty crap every five years.The genie has woken up and will never go back into the bottle. Everyone with anything upstairs knows that.

Some of us have sought refuge in cynicism. It seemed hopeless. That the country is being run mostly by a bunch of con-men masquerading as men of honor? Our country has been run by mostly thugs in suits brazenly standing there and telling the people that their grinding poverty and hopelessness is, eti, progress and development? That, having their kids sitting on floors in dusty rooms and a school comprising of one teacher is progress? All this while the thugs in suits are exporting their children to decent schools in foreign countries.

Tanzanians have watched with impotent anger as their country is being raped financially. in EPA, Kagoda, Deep Green robberies and nothing has happened. They have been told that their government will do something about it. Nothing. Zilch.

Presently the rape of Tanzanian’s forests continues and the poaching in the country’s national parks is going on unabated and people who perpetrated that crime were actually seeking political office. The rule of impunity will have to end.

We expect a howl of protest to nepotism and cronyism, which have been endemic in government and its promotion of numbing mediocrity.
I am sure that a Bunge with a combination of the likes of Tundu Lissu, Mheshimiwa Mnyika, Anne Kilango, Harrison Mwakyembe among others will quicken the blood of millions of well-meaning Tanzanians.

2010-07-13T10:00:00.001-07:00

Shkamoo Mzee Kikwete

Ah so. Mzee Dr Mohamed Gharib Bilal has bounced back as running mate of the incumbent president, Jack Mrisho Kikwete. Fine. Makes one think, who is he? The Mzee has been hovering in the background of the Zanzibar politics for ages.

One would have thought that he would have retired from Zanzibar politics and play with grandkids while sipping spiced tea. Not Mzee Bilal. He seemed to enjoy the political fray in the Isles. His opponents cursed him and most have wished that he would disappear in some forest in Zenj. But he would not go away.

He looks quite a spright old fellow and maybe he should stick around, laying foundation stones, opening dispensaries and having spiced teas. As you know, in most of our countries, these old guys never retire. PS and an assortment of civil servants can retire. Not politicians.

It reminds one 0f the late Mzee Deng-Tsiao Ping in Chinese politics of the mid-80. Father of China, the late Mao-Tse-Tung tried very much to oust this communist comrade, but Mzee Teng just would not go away. He eventually achieved power when Mao died. Now Mzee Teng is credited to the four modernizations which have made China a world power.

Old chaps can be quite handy in some places. They have a tendency to say ‘No’ and mean just that. Stubborn is the word. Teng Tsiao Ping stood up to the late Chairman Mao
To the chagrin of his boss and in the end he won with his neck intact on his shoulder.

In Bongo what we see is a bunch of psychophants who would agree with anything to please their boss. I hope Dr Bilal means it when he says that he will work diligently and obey the boss. I am sure in his age, he has come to realize that sometimes ‘working dilligently’ means saying ‘No’ to the boss. You see bosses all over the world always listen to what they want to hear and disregard the rest.

Most of us have never liked the scandals which have beset the outgoing government. Most of us are outraged with a sense of impunity by our rulers and no punishment for it. Is Dr Bilal going to look at Jack Mrisho in the eye and tell him, frankly, that this cannot go on? We hope so.

Oh, by the by, how will these two guys greet each when they meet at work? I find it hard to imagine Dr Bilal smiling sheepishly at his boss and saying: “Shkamoo, Mheshimiwa rais…”

I think they will resort to: “Assalam Aleykum.” Will be in order. Although The Prez, Jack is quite westernized and for the rest of us he does not mind a: “Hi Mr President…”

You see, why I am saying that, is because there are all those boot-lickers who grovel to power to the extent of embarrassing most other people. Something like: “Shkamoo mtukufu rais. Everything is ready mzee…”

Mzee? Surely Jack is not a mzee. He is middle-aged and to see old octogenarians address him as ‘mzee’ is liable to make us faint.

2010-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

2010-07-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

May we not discover oil

I am a born optimist, but I fail to tell myself that if Bongo were to tap oil tomorrow there is a bright future ahead us.

Our local press has been saying, incorrectly, of course, that if Tanzania discovers oil, then everything is going tot be roses and lovely things are going to come our way.

TV pictures of the oil spill caused by British Petroleum (BP) on TV, show horror stories by the mess created in the Gulf of Mexico in the US. People in tears because of ruined ways of lives. The BP has been forced to pay a tonne of money – and they will pay.

But why go to the US? Let’s look at our continent. What have the Africans who were blessed with oil have to say? Nigeria tapped oil 40 years ago and what have they to show for it? A constant civil war through religious and tribalism the, outrageous pollution, outrageous and unbelievable corruption which only Nigerians are capable of.

Gabon’s oil is owned by the former president Bongo’s family. Angola’s oil is owned by the Van Dunen clan which has been calling the shots, since the late first president Agustino Neto’s reign as president. The Nguemas in Guinea Bissau are milking their country’s wealth as if that is not their country. With such psychological types as an example in Bongo – who needs oil?

We are busy plundering what we have. We are constantly being bombarded that Tanzania is a resources rich country. We have the minerals; lovely fertile land, lakes and you name it.

But the next thing you hear is a load of rubbish and nonsense. That we have to tap nuclear power. That is? When we are pussyfooting with hydro-electric power? That? When were thumbing our noses at solar-power. Well, the US president, Barrack Hussein Obama has plans to start solar farms in the US.

When other people are getting sensible, our bums in suits are talking of nuclear power. The idea is to get uranium, send to France to be purified. Then bring it back to Bongo to fuel nuclear reactors for Tanzanians. Our bums, whom people say have been to school, think in such twisted manner.

They steal crude by the ship-loads in Nigeria and other African countries ‘blessed’. They are protected by the mafia law of ‘omerta’. Silence. We have such a law in our beloved Tanzania. We will be left with cavernous holes where our gold was, like Mwadui diamonds area.

Nigeria is slowly but surely being left with frightening pollution and poverty stricken peasants in the Niger Delta were the oil is being exploited. That is with a few crooks in government, most owning airlines and turning the country a free for all to rape.

One would have thought there would be legislature on the management of our natural resources. You see it’s criminal to have a system whereby one man can parcel off bits of a country in the name of ‘privatisation’.

They sold (or rather, gave away) the NBC in the ‘privatization’ How come the NMB had it shares floated and it went well? Jamani, even the Chinese are floating shares of a bank started by Chairman Mao Testing. They never sold it to one capitalist company?

So you want oil? Who is going to own it? BP or some of those big oil companies. What will Tanzanians get out of it? Remember, the people of the Niger Delta got fed up with the looting of their resources. Now they are fighting for it. Now it is a machine-gun galore.
Don’t let them fool you. It’s not that difficult running a country. The people want free, and decent, education. They want free, and decent medicare, and they want jobs aplenty not for anybody, but Tanzanians

2010-07-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

Sangomas win in World Cup

The sporting world is holding its breath. Will Paul the octopus bestow the winning to Spain or Holland this evening?

All week European witches, and say the world over, have been watching what Paul does. Paul the octopus has been predicting the outcome of many a World Cup match – with devastating results. Paul has been predicting correctly.

The last prediction was yesterday. Nearly the entire world watched in awe as the octopus chose a box with the German flag. Which meant that Germany would triumph over Uruguay to get the number three winner in the world cup finals?

On Friday Paul the octopus said that Spain will triumph over Holland in the finals today. We are watching. But some have not been charitable with their comments on how the world should treat the sangomas.

Someone said that Paul should be ignored, roasted nice and tender and be served with potatoes and beer. Someone in Spain said if Spain loses then Paul should be served with a glass of chilled white wine.

With us in Bongo, I think we should not eat Paul. I know that locally octopuses are a delicacy in our coast. Having grown up in Dar es Salaam, I have been hearing things about octopuses. I hear octopus is an aphrodisiac. I hear that octopus stimulates the gonads, not unlike Viagra!

So if, Spain wins the World Cup, just don’t be surprised to see me enjoying a calamari soup platter sometimes next week. You enjoy that and next week you will be so hot that they will have call in the fire-fighting services to cool you down.

It was a sad in the tournament as sangomas in the word lost to great soccer nations through sheer skills. The Samba Boys from Brazil succumbed to a 2- 1 defeat from the Dutch. I hear that the Dutch had a secret anti-sangoma counter measures. – cheese. They poured melted cheese to all those Brazilian witchcraft, called Santeria, and they could not mesmerize them with their fancy footwork.

Then the witches of the entire African continent could not zap the Uruguayans from South American. Even a tacit nod from Mzee Nelson Mandela himself did not help.

What we need now is an All-African Witches Conference to consult and deliberate on what went wrong at the World Cup meet in Sausi. Was it the too much vuvuzela noise? Were the jabulani footballs just too modernized for Africans, or was it the weather?

Whatever happens today, I have now come realize that the sangoma is doing great in the lives of people, including sport all over the world. I don’t mind, as long as nobody gets hurt.

2010-07-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

And the totos also rise?

After centuries of cutting of each others’ heads, the quartering of crooks, the Brits have been punishing and just general mayhem in the British Isles. Now those guys have decided to be more humane in their meting out punishment. Their last elections in which former prime minister Gordon David Brown lost to the liberal-dems and Conservatives coalition between David Cameron and David Clegg went on as smooth as fish and chips.

Not for the rest of us – especially the emerging democracies of the world. Electoral campaigning has been reduced to trading insults. I remember that enemy propaganda to opposition parties in Tanzania and most of Africa have been churning out silly stuff. Their favourite slime calling Mbatia gay. Now the head of CCJ is also being smeared as gay.

As if one’s sexual preferences matter to the rest o us. We hear a lot of hookers, hustlers and plain changudowas gallivanting in the corridors of all parties. Unless you are suffering from abysmal ignorance or are plain dumb you will never fail to notice them. Men will happily pimp their way up to gain a party post.

And now a new crop is coming out – sons and daughters. They also want to be in the fray. Not because for something just and noble. It’s the millions of unaccounted for, mostly filthy lucre in the ruling party which quickens their blood.

Their tactics are the same – one has been caught lying about his age and I am sure there are many more. Most have also lied about their educational background. Most political types abhor academic qualifications. Believe me to them it’s very profitable to be quick and fast with your mouth with than with your brain.

I hope our parties are taking into consideration some good looks too. Voters all over the world have decided that they don’t wan’t ogres and old men and women to cover their newsstands and TV. Look at Obama, in the US, David Cameron and Clegg in Britain. They want fresh faced youngish men – like me, for example. Even in Britain – after loosing through Gordon Brown the Labour Party is thinking of anointing much younger blood in the form of one of the Milliband brothers.

I hope that our parties, which are mostly full of political dinosaurs will appoint decent looking youngish totos, not necessarily sons and daughters of the stone age politicians. Never mind what is between their ears!

2010-06-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

The learned friends toilets are filthy!

I wonder if you have been to courts recently. As least I have been to some of them. Yesterday I had to visit the Kisutu Senior Magistrate’s court. It has something to do with the Daily Blah, that I wrote something about the evils of the TRA, that they were bullying businessmen in most parts of Bongo.

The guy got very sore. He took it personally and sued the paper to court adding that I should pay millions as damages. That was five years ago! So I went to court to clear things. My conscience was, and is still clear. I wonder what got into the poor chap to think that TRA meant him.

If it means that, it means if we talk about a rotten government, then we are talking about Jack Mrisho’s show. Then he should bundle into jail everyone who talks about his government. Which is just impossible. You can’t jail 40 million people.

Anyway, at the Kisutu court I saw a couple of the lawmen. Most of them were resplendent in their dark suits. The magistrates looked respectable strutting in their robes.

Then, I asked where the loo was. I had to go to the toilet. I was not surprised that the choo was not hidden behind the court. But I did not have to see it for as I was going round building the stench hit me like a heavyweight puncher’s right hand cross to the jaw.

I looked at my friend’s face and he shrugged; “We are even glad we have a toilet. Some places of justice don’t even have toilets.” He said. You have to look for some bush.

I did not say anything. I just pretended to survey the place and ran off to my friend’s office nearby. Having grown up in Dar I was not very surprised by the Kisutu Magistrate’s hole. Jail is hell in Bongo. That is why when all those desperadoes hear that they have to continue with staying in remand, some of them just smear pooh to their bodies in a bid to attempt to escape.

I would have thought if the learned friends contributed 10,000 shillings each to pay to the toilet cleaner things would a bit better. A magistrate under pressure from his bowels might easily give the wrong judgment or a witness might lie his or her head off, simply because they want to use the toilet.
I seriously think that the state coercive organs, the police, courts and others should seriously think of holding a mega-conference on the matter of stinking stations. For, I frankly think that there is a lot of injustices going on simply because once incarcerated most people can’t think straight, because of the stench of toilets!

2010-06-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Incompetent DCs to face the the music

I hear that Premier Mizengo Pinda is pissed off with some of the work of his DC’s. That if they fail to distribute fertilizer and other inputs in their respective areas this season DCs are going to face the music.

“Frankly speaking the government is not going to accept such irresponsibility. It is grave mistake and culprits will be taken to task.” The PM said in his recent tour in Rukwa Region.

I wonder why the PM wants to play DJ to the district commissioners now. The incompetence started since uhuru, when the rulers started giving out the posts of district and regional governors are rewards from the bwana mkubwa.

The premier was apparently referring to reports to of\ alleged massive theft of agricultural worth over 5bn/- shillings in Rukwa Region through the voucher system..

Mr Pinda said timely delivery of inputs under supervision of district
distribution committee, could have catapulted harvests of food and cash crops this season.

Rukwa is among the top four regions leading on the production of food
crops particularly maize in the country. Others are Mbeya, Iringa and
Ruvuma regions.

What beats the rest of us is why don’t our rulers fire those incompetents?. Kick them out? For one, those guys are mere thieves specializing on stealing from the wananchi. They just happen to have found themselves in those positions. Due to either knowing the top honcho or just his buddies.

When our rulers points a warning finger at them and there is no sign of punishment the rest of us wananchi exchange significant looks and wait for our turn to steal and get away with literary anything.

And thus it is going to be when there is crime without any retribution as it presently in Tanzania. At independence regional and district commissioner could at least read and write a report. After we have done wonders to our education system and reading has been made a luxury for the few we are now paying dearly for it.

Mr. Pinda and our rulers should understand that to return to the standards we used to have will be an uphill task and I doubt if that is achievable today or in the near future. But if it’s finger wagging which they are doing then that is quite pleasant and funny. And no one gets hurt!

Today, the change of regional and district commissioner comes after elections. Watch the end of this elections. All the failed politicians in districts and regions. They are going to be dumped in the regions as ‘commissioners’. Which is unfair. You cannot let a bunch of buddies, girlfriends and relatives run the country – eti governors.
This is not a democracy it has gotten to be a dynasty. So when PM Mizengo Pinda sees waster and grabbing going on, he should not blame the rest of us. The rulers should blame themselves

2010-06-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

JK’s motorcade succumbs to global warming

Now, it’s not getting funny. This world is full of terrorists everywhere. Last Monday our glorious Prez Jack Mrisho was busy inspecting the environs of Dar es Salaam in his super long, super sleek motorcade of black four-wheeled vehicles.

Suddenly his car stalled around Mavurunza in Kinondoni District, not due to the muddy roads he was inspecting, but because it had developed flat tire, the driver explained.

The prez, a former Col Jack Kikwete, a trained soldier, smartly changed vehicles and went into another super sleek, Japanese four-wheel drive to continue with inspecting the muddy roads of Kinondoni District.

But no sooner had Japanese car number two started when it also stalled. This is because the well-trained State House driver could not re-engage the four-wheel drive (WWD) gears to normal.

Other sources at Ikulu said they suspected that the State House transport department had been infiltrated by terrorists. Some sources said that when Tanzania intelligence agents visited the area the evidence had all the hallmarks of Al Qaeda agents. They it showed that they showed ball-bearings and nails attached to the tires.

But the news hounds accompanying the motorcades were not to be outdone: “Madam, are you sure that the car refused to go because it had been brain-washed by terrorists not to take the president on mud inspection of Dar as Salaam? We have sources who swear that the car broke down because of global warming and is aimed at embarrassing the entire Tanzanian government.”

“Could be.” The increasingly irritated presidential spokesperson says.
“Okay. Just to be sure madam. You are saying that the presidential vehicles stalled because of a flat tire, Al Qaeda terrorists in a deadly collusion with agents of global warming carrying ball bearings and nails. Is that it?”

“Look, you people why do you dwell on disaster only? These things are normal. Why do you harp on trivialities? Haven’t you ever seen presidential cars infiltrated by Al Qaeda before? Why don’t you write about developmental things like roads, mud?”

Sources in government say that citizens of the United Republic of Tanzania have jammed State House with e-mails enquiring about the health of their ruler.

Another Ikulu spokesman has hinted that they are going to write to Japan to determine whether there is going to be a random check of presidential vehicles. But generally, though alarmed a bit, the prez is smiling again.

2010-06-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

And the totos also rise?

After centuries of cutting of each others’ heads, the quartering of crooks, the Brits have been punishing and just general mayhem in the British Isles. Now those guys have decided to be more humane in their meting out punishment. Their last elections in which former prime minister Gordon David Brown lost to the liberal-dems and Conservatives coalition between David Cameron and David Clegg went on as smooth as fish and chips.

Not for the rest of us – especially the emerging democracies of the world. Electoral campaigning has been reduced to trading insults. I remember that enemy propaganda to opposition parties in Tanzania and most of Africa have been churning out silly stuff. Their favourite slime calling Mbatia gay. Now the head of CCJ is also being smeared as gay.

As if one’s sexual preferences matter to the rest o us. We hear a lot of hookers, hustlers and plain changudowas gallivanting in the corridors of all parties. Unless you are suffering from abysmal ignorance or are plain dumb you will never fail to notice them. Men will happily pimp their way up to gain a party post.

And now a new crop is coming out – sons and daughters. They also want to be in the fray. Not because for something just and noble. It’s the millions of unaccounted for, mostly filthy lucre in the ruling party which quickens their blood.

Their tactics are the same – one has been caught lying about his age and I am sure there are many more. Most have also lied about their educational background. Most political types abhor academic qualifications. Believe me to them it’s very profitable to be quick and fast with your mouth with than with your brain.

I hope our parties are taking into consideration some good looks too. Voters all over the world have decided that they don’t wan’t ogres and old men and women to cover their newsstands and TV. Look at Obama, in the US, David Cameron and Clegg in Britain. They want fresh faced youngish men – like me, for example. Even in Britain – after loosing through Gordon Brown the Labour Party is thinking of anointing much younger blood in the form of one of the Milliband brothers.
I hope that our parties, which are mostly full of political dinosaurs will appoint decent looking youngish totos, not necessarily sons and daughters of the stone age politicians. Never mind what is between their ears!

2010-01-17T03:51:00.000-08:00

Pinda goes public on his poverty!

The national jaw has dropped on the utterances of the premier, Mizengo Peter Pinda. Eyebrows have soared to the stratosphere. Is he okay? I mean, how do you just declare your personal poverty to the media and say you own peanuts? There ought to be a commission of enquiry about this. How can a prime minister of Tanzania be so poor?

Premier Pinda has said that he owns three shacks, which he calls houses, in Dodoma, Sumbawanga and a room on a shamba somewhere around Pugu. The Sumbawanga shack is somewhere called Makanyagio, definitely not in the posh area of the town.

Now Makanyagio area must have been an abattoir or a place they used to sell beef leftovers, like boiled hooves, heads, entrails (utumbo) and such. There are such places in most towns in Bongo.

So the premier called his property houses. Presumably he has not seen the castles which have been built in Mikocheni area and the likes in Tanzania’s urban centers. Tasteless godowns adorned with luminous lights here and there portrayed as residential houses.

You look at those godowns and you wonder - do those couples want to play lawn-tennis indoors? How do they communicate, by using the latest intercom technology?

But you understand the psychology. If you come from a hole in the ground for a home, you will want to revenge. Once you get fisadi money, you build your personal Ikulu so that the world sees that now you are made.

That mindset is at the sub-conscious of many a head. Big house, big car, big bank account, and probably big mama, as well. But you get surprises amidst the looting frenzy we live in. Former premier Judge Joseph Warioba is one surprise. He is relatively modest.

Premier Pinda comes in mind. He has about 25, 000 dollars in his account. Basi? The prime minister of the United Republic of Tanzania has only that? Is he serious? There must be a catch somewhere!

I mean, for example, there is this $40 million deal to bring tractors from India. Normally, the premier would have found this Tanzanian ‘businessman’ and there already have been two of them at each others’ throats to clinch the deal. The ‘businessman’ would have had the necessary ‘qualifications’ like being of Indian origin. Black Tanzanians can’t be businessmen, they cannot trade. Maybe selling the odd mango this season.

Then the premier would have given the deal to the Asian businessman, with homes in Switzerland, Bombay and Ottawa partnered with mzee’s brother Then the Pindas would have been awarded with the usual 10 per cent commission of $4 million to be salted away in some off-shore account, somewhere far from the prying eyes of envious Tanzanians. Wivu tu!

But no. The Premier talks of giving the deal to the SUMA JKT and TPDF Nyumbu, to assemble the darn tractors in Tanzania. Odd fellow, this guy. I mean, why can’t he just be normal like everybody else, grab the 4 million dollars and run? I mean, nothing will happen!

But he says strange things: “I am very comfortable and would not use my position to enrich myself. I am very privileged because I am being fed, housed and all my other needs are taken care of by the State and even in retirement. I consider this a reward enough to dedicate my energy to serving the republic.”

Kick me if I am dreaming! I think quite a number of us wananchi will need a wallop in the butt. This can’t happen in today’s Bongo! He has had sense to realize that you cannot eat 20 roast chickens all by yourself at one sitting. Because that is called greed –which is most contemptible. Great. Do such types still exist in the United Republic of Tanzania?

2010-01-12T02:50:00.000-08:00

MP’s car suffers from hernia!

Ah, so, the juju election campaign is on, eh? At least that’s what Kilindi MP Beattie Shelukindo has said. She has been seeing red over matters superstitious. Seeing visions of people with broomsticks wearing pointed noses, and big eyes not dissimilar to mine (watch the picture) casting spells in her constituency in a plot to make her lose the October elections.

The MP, who says that she will never be swayed from her path of seeking re-election in Kilindi has said that she has been having encounters of an odd kind whenever she visited her area to meet the people.

It is believed that one morning last week her pet cat winked at her and made suggestive and salacious noises at her in the morning while she was having breakfast. She warned the cat that she was married, but the cat cheekily kept on winking and being naughty.

The CCM MP said she believed the antics were part of a wider campaign by her political rivals to unsettle her in the runner-up to the elections. Then came the turn of her car. She said it was not unusual for her car to stall or be involved in accidents whenever she visited the constituency.

Then she added: “I am amazed what is happening to me these days…whenever I plan a tour to the constituency, my car breaks down. For instance I was rushing to a public rally recently when my car broke down in mysterious circumstances. It must have been a car hernia.” she said.

“I boarded a bus which also broke down. The second bus that I boarded met a similar fate, and I was late for the important meeting.” She complained. This naturally un-nerved the law maker.

Presumably the juju guys cast their spells on the ladyship’s shangingi. Then added other evil sorcery devises which stalled the subsequent buses she had boarded, resulting into her missing an important meeting with her constituents.

Beattie Shelukindo is not the only one worried about the ways of the juju men. A lot of politicians are presently busy seeking the attentions of witch-doctors. Some serious money is being thrown in the juju game.

They say, if you need to be an MP you must have at least 100 million, or even more, salted away as bribes and all those sweeteners, I call them insults, for the voters.

But to have a juju man or two is normal procedure. Which is why Beattie Shelukindo is worried about foul play? Tanga is one of the regions where politicians are said to ‘invest’ in their futures in juju. It is an open secret that people hailing from Tanga would rather invest in Dar es Salaam or other areas in Tanzania than in their home region. Unless, of course, you have a formidable witch or two to ‘clear’ the route for you.

Right now my spies in Upare tell me that an MP, who is also a professor, has lost his juju man. I did not know the almighty juju man also die like the rest of us. Disappointingly the witch-doctor has died. The MP’s pressure is soaring to dizzy heights. It is said the man might easily explode with worries any time.

He fiercely believes that this is not for nothing, but the evil deeds of jujumen of rival camps who have done the professor’s juju man in. This is not normal juju technology. The professor swears that the juju man’s death has all the hallmarks of nano-technology.

Ostensibly, Mrs. Shelukindo does not believe in juju. But she baffled her voters when she appealed to the ‘witchdoctors’ to endorse her as she had done a lot to bring development in the area.

“It’s time we stopped believing in witchcraft. We should change our mindsets, and concentrate on development and education.” She said.

Indeed. One wonders why then, did she narrate her juju story if she does not believe in juju. And why has she herself not transformed her mindset in the first place?

2010-01-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

Now... the Bill Ngeleja show!

I hear energy and minerals minister, Bill Ngeleja on Tuesday flipped at an ATM station in Dar and yelled profanities at the attendant, Pascal Mnaku.
His mistake? Pascal told ‘mzee’ that he should please give room to other people in the queue, who were waiting for their turn to draw some cash.

It seems that Bill was busy talking to a VIP (God?) on the phone and could not be disturbed while he was busy rapping on the phone in the ATM room.

That was enough insult to Bill, he started prancing like a champion boxer and threatening to annihilate the hapless watchman.

The minister then decided to offer the watchman his CV, just in case: “Do you know who I am?” he yelled. Then he started screaming unprintables at the poor fellow. Pascal says he was taken aback by this childish show of careless tantrum by a senior minister.

“I didn’t even know he was a minister. All I wanted him to do is ease him out of the ATM booth so that other people can use it. There was a long queue waiting while ‘mzee’ was busy speaking on his phone.” Said the tearful Pascal Mnaku.

You might think that this was a storm in a tea-cup and everyone might have quickly forgotten about it. Not, Bill. He made sure that Pascal Mnaku was hauled before him, like in some Kangaroo court, before him. He tried by atoning to his sins and offering to be Ngeleja’s campaign man, but ‘mzee’ was simply furious.

“I won’t forgive him until he gets a very stiff punishment!” yelled an outraged Bill Ngeleja to the terrified Ultimate Security bosses who had removed the watchman to the headquarters.

What the watchman, Pascal Mnaku is awaiting now is Bill’s wrath. What is the maximum penalty for the terrible offense of disturbing a minister who was in the very important job of talking to God while in an ATM booth?

Human rights activists have questioned the mental state of the minister, while at the time he was ranting at the watchman. He could have been exposed and indulged in too much of a joyous season, meaning that he could have had too much to drink and plenty to eat. These could have clouded his judgment and let lose traces of vanity common to those who find themselves in high government offices.
Impeccable legal observers are thinking of advising Bill Ngeleja not to forgive Pascal Mnaku’s heinous crime. But they have advised the minister to accept Pascal Mnaku’s offer to be his campaign manager in the Ngeleja campaign trail, which starts anytime now.

2010-01-09T06:14:00.001-08:00

EU aid with strings attached

The head of the European Union to Tanzania, Ambassador Tim Clarke has read the riot act to the Tanzania government, saying that the EU will no longer bankroll the now openly rampant graft in the country.

I like that, and I think it has long been overdue. Watching events over the past years the government has been acting as if the warnings are a big joke. They EU will say that, wouldn’t they? Something to please their governments back home.

I just hope the Mr. Clarke, and the EU in general, mean what they say. He wondered “the rationale of providing such resources at a time when the local media is full of corruption scandals, alleged abuses of power, of grotesque wastage of public resources, of elitism and insufficient attention given to the plight of the poorest of the poor, of the disabled, of the most vulnerable parts of society.”

I hope the government thinks about this. Otherwise we, the wananchi, might think what is the point of the EU pouring millions of euros into Tanzania government coffers when the money is openly stolen and pocketed by the rulers with impunity while efforts to curb these crimes are hardly made. What’s the point of any aid at all?

I think, like any family, if some members of the group feel they are being short-changed by the minority, we have to start asking each other some pertinent questions. How much did we get in aid? How did we spend that money? Who spent it?

Otherwise Tanzanians might as well line up, everyone gets his cut and everybody gets on with it. What’s the point of getting 383 million euros to buy silly four-wheel vehicles for district commissioners? It’s a question of status conscious Tanzanians playing around with badly needed resources.

Chadema opposition leader, Dr Wilbrod Slaa has just accused the ruling CCM party for importing 200 vehicles without paying taxes. Fine. They hold the guns so they can’t and don’t feel the need to pay tax. But can anybody really say that not paying tax is a crime, when a brilliant example is shown by the government?

“The government’s fight against corruption is just a rhetorical smoke screen unless we see the main corruption cases prosecuted, particularly
the infamous Kagoda Agriculture Company of the EPA (external payment arrears) scandal,” Dr Slaa said.

“Tanzanians and development partners are being cheated . The government talks about fighting graft, but in real sense nothing is being done.” He declared.

We Tanzanians already know that. It seems Ambassador Tim Clarke has work to do to find out what he already suspects!

2010-01-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

Zenj’s 10 year itch, again!

Now, what? Wags, including the CUF’s Foreign Affairs Director, Ismail Jussa have started thinking aloud with their mouths again. That there is need to allow the outgoing President Karume to consolidate peace initiatives in the Isles, so he thinks.

After deep deliberation I have started to wonder – it is a 10 itch which afflicts rulers in the Isles after that period which makes then come out kicking and screaming against retirement?

Just when the rest of the us citizenry were beginning to make a sigh of relief on the events in the Isles, then the likes Ismail Jussa opens up talk like” “There is nothing wrong in letting him )President Karume) finish what he has started.”

Who, in the name of the Almighty, has said that the coveted Union between Mainland Tanzania and the Isles, between the Late Mzee Karume and Mzee Nyerere has been finished?

We have constantly been at each others throats trying to survive and we are still on it. The people of people have been grumbling since Adam and Eye that for ages they have been treated as second class citizens. Some 50 years plus and both sides are far from satisfied with the Union. Should we call the founding fathers back?

The people of Tanzania had all but raised their arms in hopeless despair when lo, and Behold, out comes the Chairman of the Zanzibar Revolutionary Council and waves an olive branch to CUF. President Karume and CUP boss Maalim Seif and put their heads together to talk shop, not blood.

President Karume unleashed a killer blow to opponents of the union between the Zanzibar Islands, by saying that anybody from the Islands can be a president of the Zanzibar.

The country and our friends abroad rejoiced and we all now look forward to a new chapter to the sister Islands. Hopefully no more, uncouth and savage behavior from a government purportedly claiming to be civilized and democratic.

Then, the like of Jussa comes and sneaks in a line about changing the constitution to allow the out-going President Karume to “let him finish what he has started.”

I can see it in my mind’s eye. From the way things, Jussa and his mates are onto a good thing (urojowise) as long as President Karume stays at the top for awhile. How long? Well for a while.

There is nothing wrong with that selfish thought, it’s very human. As long as I am in the gravy train, the president of Zanzibar can go on for awhile or, even forever.

I am afraid Bwana Jussa, should realize a country if built by the collective, through ups and downs. You find some with a flash of brilliance, like President Karume, and some just a bunch of nincompoops.

What the citizens should do it to grab fast the progressive ideas like the good sounds coming from Zenj. The progressive ideas spurred by outgoing President Amani Abeid Karume must be embraced and promoted by the all the peace loving le we all expire and become history, if at all. Posterity will finish the job of peaces not individuals.people of Tanzania.
Bwana Jussa, it is not about us, human beings. After a whi

2010-01-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

Jihadhari na mamluki wa uandishi!

Nimeliona jambo hili linatokea mara kwa mara kukiwa na uchaguzi au kama kuna tukio ambalo limelitingisha taifa kama vile kujiuzulu kwa aliyekuwa waziri mkuu, Edward Lowassa na mawaaziri wawili. Naliona mwaka huu, linajirudia pole pole.

Jambo lenyewe ni kutokea kwa tabaka fulani katika fani yetu ya uandishi ya watu ambao huwezi kuwaita waandishi, bali mamluki wa fani hii.

Wakati wa uchaguzi uliopita wanasiasa waliajiri wazi wazi mamluki hao. Wao hawana maadili yo yote katika maisha yao. Wao wanachoabudu kiko katika madhabau (altar) ya fedha.

Watu kama hao watakupamba mpaka utaona kizinguzungu. Hawana aibu. Kama wewe ni jambazi lenye kuvaa suti, mamluki hao watasema wewe ni mkombozi na uishi milele, Amina!

Nakuwa wa kwanza kukubali kuwa wapo sana mamluki hao. Sasa hivi umetokea ujanja wa mamluki hao kutaka kuwakosha watu fulani waliotuibia mabilioni kuwa,eti, ni watu safi.

Kwanza mimi binafsi nashangaa kwa nini watuhumiwa hao wasichukuliwe hatua za kisheria? Nasema kila siku nchini hii mtu ukiiba kuku mmoja basi tunakuchoma na moto. Lakini ukiiba mabilioni – hapo sawa!

Mimi wala sitaupamba uhalifu huo mchafu na kuuita ufisadi. Nauita vile nilivyozoea – wizi! Mijizi imetuibia mabilioni, halafu sasa imeanza kupakaziana.

Tatizo la mwizi ni kusahau kuwa siku zake ni arubaini. Na jinsi ya kumpata mwizi ni kama ukitaka kumvua yule samaki wa baharini. Chuchunge.

Akiuma chambo wewe muongezee mshipi aende nao. Atakwenda weee-e-e! Akijua mambo shwari atameza chambo. Ndipo hapo utampata kwa ulaini.

We msomaji, unafikiria mambo hayo ya wizi baina ya viongozi tumeanza kutasikia leo? Wala! Tumeyasikia siku nyingi tu zilizopita. Lakini ukisema tu watu kama Mzee Kingunge Ngombale Mwiru wanakujia kama kifaru. Ushaidi uko wapi?

Mamluki wengine wanatafuta mambo ya ajabu kabisa. Ukabila.Eti akiwekwa mmasai mmoja hatiani basi kabila lake lote linaharibiwa jina na wengine kudhalilishwa. Utumbo mwingine huo. Hakuna kitu kibaya kama wapambe.

Wengine wanajidai kuwa wakati wa kuanza kampeni za uchaguzi nchini Tanzania hazijaanza. Wala msomaji asiamini madude hayo. Siku hizi kampani zinaanzishwa kila siku. Chini chini.

Unachotakiwa kufanya msomaji ni kuweza kusoma staili na mbinu tofauti wanazozitumia wanasiasa kufanikisha lengo hilo. Kwa sasa hivi mlengwa mkubwa ni yule mtu anayejiita mwandishi wa habari. Sisi wenyewe tunawajua. Wajomba hao wana njaa kali na wanasiasa wanawanunua wazi wazi.

Kimya kimywa tu unamuona bwana mdogo mmoja au kadada ghafla kanaanza kushabikia upuuzi wa fulani na kuuita habari. Nimeona Mbunge mmoja, yeye ni profesa, ghafla anashabikia mradi wa maji wa mjini Ilula, huko Iringa. Habari hiyo imetokea kwenye vijarida mtaani, kama mara tano hivi. Habari ile ile.

Mwanasiasa huyo ameisha mtia bwana maji wa Ilula jamba jamba, na kuuliza kwa nini maji hayatoki mjini Ilula. Jamaa amempa bwana maji siku 20 kueleza kwa nini Ilula iko kavu.

Swali ni kuwa, kwa nini sasa, kwa mbunge huyo kujifanya yeye ni bingwa wa kuleta maji mjini hapo. Mimi naona kama huo ni utani na kejeli kwa wananchi wa Ilula. Haya maji yanayoshinikizwa yatoke wakati huu yanatoka wapi? Ina maana kuanzia 2005 watu walikuwa hawajui maji mpaka alivyokuja mkuu na uchaguzi unaonekana huu umefika? Basi iko kazi.

Huku anakurupuka Waziri wa Utalii na Mali Asili, Shamsa Mwangunga amepiga marufuku safari za maofisa wake kusafiri kwenda nje kuzurura – wao wanaziita safari za kikazi. Eti kuendeleza utalii.

Kila mtu mwenye akili mzuri anajua kuwa sekta hiyo ya wizara ni ya wa wazururaji na watu wenye kwenda shopping kila siku. Sasa waziri huyo, baada ya kukaa kimya miaka, anasema amepiga marufuku safari hizo ambazo kwa msingi ni kudokoa fedha za walipa kodi. Hiyo ni danganya toto ya kila siku.

Mabilioni yemekuwa yanaliwa na maofisa wa serikali, na hata watu binafsi, kwa kusafiri nchi za nje. Huu mradi sasa umekuwa mkubwa kiasi ya kutia aibu. Lakini wao hawaoni hiyo. Sasa uchaguzi unakuja kila mjomba na anti wanajifanya nchi hii inawauma.

Shamsa hajatuambia lilicholotokea hasa hiko Loliondo, ambako waTanzania wa naonewa na kunyanyaswa na serikali yao. Shamsa hajasema wakoloni wa kiarabu wanaendeleaje na utawala wao wa sehemu kubwa kaskazini nchini Tanzania.

Nionavyo ni kuwa bado wabunge wengi hawana jipya la kusema na kwa watanzania wakati tukieleekea kwenye uchanguzi ujao mwezi Octoba. Wengi wa wapumbe wanasema hewa tupu. Wengi zaidi wanatayarisha shahada za PhD, juu ya kuwa kuwa wengi tumekubaliana kuwa hizo shahada ni hewa.

Lakini katika pumba nyingi unakuta watunga sheria wengine wanasema kunachowezekana kusikika. Napenda Mbunge Christopher ole Sendeka alivyowanyooshea wazazi wa Kiteto kidole kuwa yeyote atakaemzuia mtoto wa wa kike au yule ye yote yule,wa jimbo hilo la uchaguzi kutokwenda shule, astashitakiwa.

Sawa kabisa. Sheria hiyo ilikuwepo zamani na nilitegemea wabunge wangeivalia njuga sheria hiyo. Lakini naona wabunge wengu wako kwenye, kujenga U-dokta, na imaonyesha serikali nayo inanaafiki kuwepo kwa mafeki kibao kila mahala. Na huu ni mwanzo tu wa kasheshe itakavyokuwa mwaka huu.

Kuna hongo za kila siku katikakachuzi za nchini hapa. Sijui mwaka huu kutakua na nini kipya. Wasi wasi wangu ni kuwa sisi waTanzania tunaweza kufikitria kuwa hii nchi ni yetu, lakini mimi nina wasi wasi kuwa wajanja wanaweza wakawa wameiuza nchi hii zamani!

2010-01-09T05:50:00.000-08:00

Number of people with BP rising. Why?

An Indian heart surgeon, Dr Pujar Suresh recently paid a tour to give a free check out the conditions of the hearts of 200 people in Dar. He did not like what he saw.

The result of their medical conditions did not make sexy reading at all. He blamed bad eating habits, especially in the big towns like Dar es Salaam. It’s an easy analysis, in cities, lives a guy called Fisadi Jones. The more money he gets, he ends up increasingly to be a victim of his mouth and chow.

Eating, almost anything expensive, is his definition of the good life. He hardly is aware that in treating his tummy like a garbage dump,
he is actually slowly but surely digging his grave with his teeth!

The consumerist habits of the middle class, now pitifully reduced to an eating zombie, is everywhere to see, especially during the just ended festive season. The kids are wrongly being brought up to believe that fun is about serious gorging and drinking. Therein lies happiness, they wrongly think.

A young man could risk losing his babe, if he suggests, that they go for a nice little walk, you know, loose themselves in town and have fun. That would be almost treasonable. Walk? Whom do you think she is, to be seen walking? You definitely are out!

So you don’t exercise, you don’t eat reasonably (I did not say a lot), you start getting all those problems. I remember being taught that walking to school is actually good for the little fellas. Today if you tell couples, who have just entered the ‘rat race’ to walk, they could lynch you.

How dare you suggest that their little er…Fifi, walk two miles to her nursery school? Oh, our grand kiddies even have grand names too. I know a Maxine (Mhehe) Fifi (Mdengereko) and Junior (Mhaya) and Rihana (Mfipa).

One day I asked my lovely daughter (whose name is classified) why she had a funny name for her kid. She looked at me straight in the eye and said; “Because the names you gave us are not computer friendly, dad.”

Which means that the modern parents are at the mercy of Bill and Melinda Gates? I am sure shortly when you buy a laptop there will be a large file for names. We could have names like Pixie Frou Frou, after the girl’s dog. The name of the town the kid was conceived like Paris Hilton after the daughter of the hotel magnate. Or, Brooklyn, one of David Beckman’s little boys.

It’s normal to be a copycat. Now you are an African American, until you grow to find out few African Americans give a damn about Africa. You could ape David Bekham and name you baby after the name of the town baby was conceived.

Say, two partners could have a quickie while spending a night at Mpwapwa or Kintinku in Dodoma Region. Say the dad is called Balyorugolu. Their baby could end up being called Kintinku Balyoluguru. Or Mpwapwa Kasusura? You see,Mpwapwa is not exactly Paris.

I don ‘t know if those names will wash. I mean a guy like me – Lusekelo and end up with a kid conceived in Kisiju. Kisiju Lusekelo or Lusekelo Kisiju?

Hang on – let’s zoom back to what causes all those unhealthy pressures and the healthy life. I think it could be partly what we throw into our bodies, and partly the joining of the rat race. You see it every day. Just observe carefully. (Watch this space) The truth is you cannot be everything at the same time!

2009-12-17T07:37:00.000-08:00

Eating crap for Christmas!

Predictably the season goes with plenty of eating of eating and drinking – good stuff, and mostly crap.

At least that’s what Tanzanian’s Food and Drugs Authority (TDFA) boss, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda seems to say. Her set-up has impounded 14,032 tins, weighing 452.09 kilogrammes of junk being sold as food.

Maggie said the junk was discovered in 28 shops in Kinondoni, 25 Ilala and 12 in Temeke in the Asia’s junkyard of Dar es Salaam. The stuff came as infant milk and has been dubiously increasing in the market in recent years. “We also discovered various items that were unfit for human consumption.” She added.

The junk was labeled in foreign languages which is neither English or Kiswahili, thus making it difficult to identify their origin. Which reinforces the arrogance which the smugglers have. What next – tinned shit from abroad?

Poor fellows, eager to join the ‘middle class’ are duped by the junk when they see pictures of the bouncy babies on the tins. They think if they buy and feed their totos with the junk, they with be bonnie looking like in the pictures! Which is a load of rubbish, of course.

The mothers are, in fact, poisoning their babies. I have read some research somewhere, feeding your bambino with such poisons might result into creating a hermaphrodite being. The result could be girls getting moustaces in puberty – or boys growing tits!

But to the young mother she thinks she looks cool, feeding her bambino with tinned shit. Wameuchinja!

Selling stuff which is unfit for human consumption is attempted murder. If someone attempts to give poison to someone in a local eatery, that is considered as criminal. What about if someone sells poison in a shop, branded as some infant formula, isn’t that attempted murder?

The TFDA boss, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda has given us a few figures of he illegal tinned shit her firm has impounded. What I can’t understand is she never said anything about people arrested for selling that stuff?

Surely there tins did not find themselves stacked in those Kinondoni, Temeke and Ilala shops, all by accident. They were bought, stacked and displayed in those shops by criminal people. Have there been any arrests? What are the punks selling the poisons to Tanzanians, to be fed to Tanzanian babies, charged with?

Or, it could be the shopkeepers ran away once they saw Maggie and her troops? It is easy to tell that this racket has been going on for ages and the guys getting bolder – poisoning Tanzanians at will. Any convictions for attempted murder Maggie? I think Tanzanians should be told.

Just for general information – China recently executed two top officials of the Chinese government firm which okayed the adding of poisonous substances in its infant formula.

But that is China. Punishment is never in our culture in the United Republic of Tanzania. Unless, that is you stole a chicken over Christmas. Then you are dead! Merry Christmas!

2009-12-17T07:26:00.000-08:00

Loving each other to death!

Middle age can be tricky. I hear once you go through the process of procreation, the urge to need each other (men and women, I mean) recedes. With men, they would rather go for an odd chat or drink or two to while the day away.

The things you once cherished increasingly become less and less important. My late old guy used to complain when they have had a tiff with the old girl: “Son, the surefire way of assuring yourself trouble in life are two things – a woman and a car.”

I would chuckle and look the other way. What was the Mzee talking about? I mean in those crazy years it was normal talk to the gang about your exploits with your ka-chick. Ninety per cent of the talk was wild fantasies. You walked from Dar to Miriam College in Morogoro to see your chick. She escorted you from Morogoro back to Dar. Love, you see.

You would lie to the rest of the gang (we were called gringos) about your exploits. “Did you score?” the gang would ask you, their eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

“Of course.” You would lie, “What do you think I am, a wimp? Six bloody times! You should have heard her scream with pleasure” You could hear the gringos sigh with a mixture of frustration and desire.

Later the whole gang would quickly disappear into the nearest loo to ostensibly have ‘showers’. Some would were heard to fall flat on the wet floors of the bathrooms.

Before you know it, you are grown up. Money becomes a problem. Before you date her you must have the money. That’s when you are taught that before you spend money you must earn it.

This makes much sense to me today. You just cannot spend money you don’t have. Except, of course, you are an African government, like Bongo. I later came to learn that most of the toffee-nosed bums who did that, ended up being wimps when they grew up. But the culture is very much into fashion today. Individuals and governments. And all the wimps who spend money without working for it are called fisadis. I just wonder for how long we are going to continue with the culture of glorifying thieves.

Also the trouble with middle-age is that instead of working on the joys of this category of age, your body starts rebelling. Your body says: “Okay, old boy, go and kill that ka-little chick. Just right for you.” Your head says yes as you ogle her with desire.

But, south of the border, the ka-thing behaves like a little baby who is learning how to walk. Damn! You feel like singing to the little uncle down there: “Up you go, I said. Attaboy! You can’t let me down in Mzee’s hour of need”

Nothing. Then one day, the scientist of the world discovered those little blue pills. Take two and the fireworks begin. But the medicos forgot to warn the middle aged guys, that…simply don’t overdo it! In the process of trying to ‘kill’ somebody with joy, you might end up very dead yourself, with a cardiac arrest!

Hard times. How will it be, having a barful of grumpy middle-aged potential lovers? The guy thinks the ka-thing could be having the bug and the ka-dada worrying that the James Bond across the table is carrying a loaded gun with a deadly HIV virus, not necessarily at the service of Her Majesty the Queen? Hard times these!

2009-12-17T07:18:00.000-08:00

Stop battering women!

We have just had the commemoration of 16 days of global activism to end gender-based violence. In short, men should stop thumping women - a thing which I agree with very much.

It is the Neanderthal in men which is mainly to blame. Once the man’s adrenalin starts to flow then there might be a problem for which violence is the only cure.

Men thump their women and the opposite sex respond by also doing nasty things as well. I once knew a lady who carried herself like some royalty – when she was not, angry. We simply envied her guy.

The dapper guy would ‘torture’ the rest of us by swinging around with the cool damsel, leaving the rest of us green with envy. Then one day she caught him betraying her trust.

No the lady didn’t fight. She just went for his wardrobe, took out his best suits and shredded each pair like a bunch of useless pieces of paper. Man, the guy had expensive outfit! To this day it is said that he has hydraulic problems with his system down there. Doctors have prescribed Viagra pills for him.

I wonder if it is the times. But many stories of fearful crimes crop up with the insecurities and jealousies among couples. Men batter their women. There are those horror stories too. I remember that picture of a young lady who ended up being splashed with sulphuric acid on her face.

The murderous punk is said to have splashed her with the acid while yelling that if he was being rejected then he would rather that all the men miss the charm of her beauty.

Another punk was so jealous of his chick that he killed her with a machete and went to string himself up. Another punk, a plain-clothes policeman shot his lover due to jealousy and simply disappeared. I hear he has never been caught ever since by the authorities.

You never stop hearing the horrors former lovers committed to each other. Most of the violent men should meet my sister, Tausi. She is a bombshell of a babe. But don’t be fooled by that name. Yes, she moves with the gaiety of a peacock but that is where it all ends.

Tausi also possessed one of the most lethal head-butts I have seen in a babe. One day at this watering hole the boyfriend was kind of misbehaving. His mouth was uttering profanities and other epithets. Tausi never lifted her hand until, that is, he hit her.

It was just like a movie. She head-butted him three times on the face in such rapid succession that it was not only the guy who didn’t know what hammered him but even those near the hapless guy were also left spellbound!

The ‘sweetie’ went down, ‘maroon soup’ literally gushing out of his reddened bloody nose. Some of us simply found it to be the unexpected sequel to poetic justice. Yes, bullies anywhere in the world should be thumped in return.

Which brings me back to the gender-violence thing. Should martial arts become compulsory for females?

God forbid. Experience shows that if you empower someone, whosoever they are, they would be tempted to use that power and use it corruptly. A female unarmed combat guru would simply be too dangerous a species for the masculine honeys.

Men are physically stronger but women are physiologically excellent. If you don’t agree, try getting pregnant. Making women physically superior also, would simply imperil men. A woman’s weapon of mass destruction is her compelling nightingale voice not the power to throw punches.

Women are simply dangerous as fighters. At least one man in the world, who found and harnessed that truth, is Libya’s Muamar Ghadafi. He has a legion of all women close bodyguards. And if you think he is not well protected, try getting near him.

I remember some Tanzanian men who formed a Tanzania Battered Husbands Society. They have complained that they are being battered by their wives.

Violence, in any form is horrible. Maybe we should teach our children to make love and not war when they grow up. And, with an eye on Tanzania’s population boom, we should also tell our babies – make love and not babies!

2009-12-17T07:15:00.001-08:00

Married couples risk HIV infection?

Ye gods! Now we are being told that married couples are one of the groups at greatest risk of contracting HIV/Aids.

Hardly sexy news, that. On a weekend like this such talk in papers is such a kill joy. This will hit at the middle class most. For, they are the couples who make trips for the endless ‘sex seminars’ in say, Dodoma, Arusha and other urban centres.

I didn’t say that all guys who attend any of those endless seminars, and other assorted meetings are actually sex fiends. Some of them are quite law-abiding, God-fearing and Aids-fearing people.

The trouble with the Aids thing is that it has a lot to do with the psyche. Once that seed of doubt is planted in the head the rest becomes a real nightmare.

Imagine mzee comes back to Dar and hugs his wife: “Ahh, lovey dovey it’s great to see you! Let’s have a lovely dinner somewhere and then go home for some good loving.”

The wife might demur and start thinking nasty things about hubby. “Look at the thug. He has been romping and going at it with prostitutes in Arusha. I could strangle him or crush his nuts down there!”

OR, she could be looking at him in an amused manner. “At this rate my husband will kill us both. I hope he used some decent condoms when he was ‘working’ in this seminar…” Hardly thoughts to quicken the wife’s blood.

What about the husband? Wife come from a seminar in Dodoma and coos: “Hello, mume wangu! I missed you so much. I am so tired. All week I have been working hard…”

The husband would look at her suspiciously: “Did she say she was tired? I hope it had all to do with the actual seminar. She looks like she has indeed been exerting herself in something more sinister besides the seminar of poverty alleviation…”

And the evil thoughts could be in the husband. Then the husband might start failing in performing his husbandly duties. The hydraulic system down there fails completely. You look at the wife as if you are sleeping with a potential assassin. It can be hell.

Then you go for sex-aids. Viagra can be expensive even for the middle class guys. But the herbalist might try to help with all those potions. That is why when you read the adverts of the local herbalists, you notice that they start by saying that they can cure all hydraulic problems in men. ‘Nguvu za kiume’ is always at the top of the advertisement.

Of course total abstinence is the only option. But then, you would be abnormal to pretend that you don’t notice heart stopping beauty that is a Tanzanian woman.

The government should simply ban HIV/Aids forthwith or send it to some maximum security laboratory. Immediately!

2009-12-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

Umasikini unaleta uroho

Neno ‘fisadi’ limekua linatumika sana siku mbili tatu hizi. Mimi mafisadi nawaita kwa neno tulilolizoea. Haya ni majizi na miroho tu. Kwa nini tunamwita anayeiba kuku au simu ya mkononi, ‘mwizi’ na anayeiba mabilioni fisadi? Ni kumpa heshima mwizi wa mabilioni?

Labda tuseme ukweli – Afrika yetu haikuwa tayari kujitawala. Maana yake wengine tunajikuta kuwa tumefikia kiwango cha kukata tamaa. Mimi nilifikiria kuwa tukijitawala, waAfrika tutakuwa na uchungu na nchi zetu. Lakini haijatokea hivyo.

Ghafla tumejikuta tumemwondoa mkoloni ili kuweka kundi la majizi, tena majizi yasiyokuwa na uchungu na wananchi wao. Hatuwezi kuendelea namna hii. Hatuwezi kukaa na hali hii ambayo sasa kwa kweli inatia kinyaa.

Wanasaikologia wanasema kwamba watu walio toka kwenye umasikini mkali wakipata madaraka mara nyingi wanabadilika sana. Mtu anajaribu kuukimbia umasikini ule aliouacha na kuuweka mbali sana nayo. Kwa hiyo wengi wao wanakuwa hawana kiasi. Kila wakiona fedha wanataka kuziiba ziwe zao (EPA).

Wengine wanaweza kuuza hata wake zao, mradi tu wapate fedha. Na nchi hii imeuzwa sana. Yaani sasa karibu kila mahali pananuka katika nchi yetu. Na kama kawaida hakuna hatua inayochukuliwa. Porojo nyingi tu.

Ni nini hasa kinachowafanya watu wengine wanaojiita viongozi (mimi nawaita watawala) wasiwe hata na chembe ya uoga wa wizi mkubwa kiasi hicho?

Maana yake sasa wananchi wanajua kwamba watawala walikua wanafanya kampeni,siyo kwenda kuwatumikia wananchi, bali kwenda kuwaibia. Mara nyingi watawala walikua wanajikinga kuwa kama kuna wizi unatokea basi wangependa kupata ushahidi ndiyo wachukue hatua.

Sasa kuna ushahidi wa kutosha. Mwenyezi Mungu ameamua kukaa upande wa wananchi wengi wanaodhulumiwa na kuibiwa na watu wanaojiita viongozi. Lakini hatua yo yote haijachukuliwa. Wakifumwa jamaa wanajiuzuru na kuendela kula mabilioni waliyotuibia. Hii itaendelea mpaka lini? Au tulie tu?

Sasa yamefika kwa wafadhili wetu. Nao sasa kinawakera sana. Huku watawala wanaziomba nchi zilizoendelea zifute madeni yetu na hapo wanawaibia wananchi utafikiria watawala hao hawana akili nzuri! Anakuwa masiala hayo!

Sasa Norway nayo imeanza kuwanyooshea kidole watawala wa Tanzania. Jumanne iliyopita waziri wa wa Mazingira na Maedeleo ya Kimataifa wa Norway, Bwana Erik Solheim amesema kuwa WaTanzania wahakikishe kuwa fedha za misaada zinatumiwa kwenye kazi inayouhusika.

Amesema walipa kodi wa Norway wanaanza kudhani kuwa wanafanywa mabwege, kutoa fedha za misaada ambazo zinaishia kukwapuliwa na watawala.

Lakini tutahakikishaje, wakati sirikali ni siri kali na inaendelea kuwa sirikali? Kama Profesa Shivji anavyosema wanasiasa na wabunge wako kwenye kazi hiyo kwa ajili ya kupata fedha na kuiba tu na mimi sioni watumishi waadilifu wa WaTanzania hapa!

2009-12-17T07:04:00.000-08:00

Only male fish should be harvested?

One thing I love about our Bunge is that it can be vastly entertaining. Apart from the bum numbing speeches you hear some gems of humour. Bum-numbing speeches because you get the impression what some honourables don’t know what they are talking about.

Y’see, Bongo have come to believe that guys wearing some mostly frayed and out of fashion suits are vastly intelligent than the rest of the wananchi. Which is nonsense of course. Anyone, at least most of us can wear suits.

What with the mtumba culture we have embraced? But does that make you clever? An emphatic no! I’ll tell you what – what is the biggest thing con-men do when they want to make a kill? They wear natty clothes and are usually armed with smart-looking briefcases.

Now that takes you in and you dip you hand, take out your wallet, gladly part with your hard gained moola. But things are changing. If I see some bore droning on and on about what his or her ministry is going to do, or rather not do, to the people of Bongo, I stab my remote control for better entertainment.

You know guy is simply perfoming for the cameras. Telly is a politician’s oxygen. Without it he is dead. No wonder they try as much as possible to compromise the press. And we oblige. Njaa. And which is why every biggie has started his own press unit – stories and pictures of which are rammed to conventional press.

But, as I said earlier the honourables can be funny. One suggested that the only way to increase fish stocks in our lakes and rivers is to catch only male fish. Which is brilliant!

2009-12-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

Trim presidential powers!

Religious leaders in the country have been meeting and protested against the excessive presidential powers, establishment of independent Judiciary and build a free Parliament.

The religious leaders call was contained in a 17-point document issued Dar last week at the end of a three-day inter-faith conference to discuss their role in promoting good governance in the country. Among the first thing they should have demanded from the government would have been to boot out the present minister of good governance, Sophia Simba, or axe the ministry altogether.

Anyone in his right mind, not only in the clerics in the United Republic of Tanzania, should think like that. In fact election laws, for example should be amended or scrapped a long time ago. In fact so far the government should concentrate in teaching most of us the meaning of ‘good governance’. Is seems most of us, badly need an elementary lesson in civics. One would think officialdom associate the subject with a beauty contest and fashion.

What is the point of going into the 2010 General Elections when we all know who will win and how the ‘elections’ will be won? Now that all Tanzanians know who is thieving with impunity and what crimes are being committed against the people of Tanzania and nothing happens.

Let’s start from the top. It is, and always has been, that those who will ‘eat’ in the next five years will be determined by how close they are to the throne. With all due respect, but the clerics have been pussy-footing with this topic since independence. What the colonialists left us were never democracies. What they left us were right-wing dictatorships, most with even even worse than the colonialist themselves.

Some few African countries have been lucky to have rulers with the fear of God in them. Like Tanzania. But most of them have simply been despicable monsters which normal people don’t want to be associated with.

The politicians know the value of being seen pally pallyling with the clerics in pictures. But the voice from the clerics should have been much louder than what we are getting. Tanzania is being raped and allowed to be raped by ‘investors’ with the tacit nod of people who call themselves leaders (rulers, to many of us)

The men and women of God, who live with us, should not acquiesce to this injustice and let the rulers get away with sin. Sin is sin and as people of God with should be more vocal against the on-going injustice, against the people of Tanzania.

I know no normal ruler will readily see the wisdom of the separation of powers in the ruling structure. But they all want to play chief. Only a few dozen years ago the chief used to be called husbands-of-husbands and other feudal claptrap. Believe me; they still want to be that. Our rulers sub-consciously want to be kings for life. They are eager to be called king-of-kings. Whoever they are, they are never mortal. They never let power nonchalantly flow off like water off a duck’s back, like Mzee Madiba (Mandela) or Mwalimu Nyerere. The rulers want to wear it to their graves.

They want only their friends and their hangers-on – some of whom we, the wananchi, question their sanity, to rule. Their only qualification is being friends with the throne. This just cannot go on.

If the moral authority in society is to keep quiet, and some obviously demented thugs are ‘given’ the authority to make mayhem in the country, then it is going to be partly the responsibility of the clerics and the executive. Power is never given. Power is wrestled

Tanzania should be a meritocracy, it now is has been turned by a ruling den of some Mafiosi, who are morally bankrupt without even shred of moral compunction in them. You know why we fail? Because our countries are being ruled by governors, who used to be called Sir Richard Turnbull and others, for the queen. The religious bodies are not helping by kowtowing to the whims of the kings in our countries, euphemistically called ‘president’.

2009-12-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

2009-12-05T08:41:00.001-08:00

Number of people with BP rising. Why?

An Indian heart surgeon, Dr Pujar Suresh recently paid a tour to give a free check out the conditions of the hearts of 200 people in Dar. He did not like what he saw.

The result of their medical conditions did not make sexy reading at all. He blamed bad eating habits, especially in the big towns like Dar es Salaam. It’s an easy analysis, in cities, lives a guy called Fisadi Jones. The more money he gets, he ends up increasingly to be a victim of his mouth and chow.

Eating, almost anything expensive, is his definition of the good life. He hardly is aware that in treating his tummy like a garbage dump,
he is actually slowly but surely digging his grave with his teeth.

The consumerist habits of the middle class, now pitifully reduced to an eating zombie is everywhere to see, especially in this festive season. The kids are wrongly being brought up to believe that fun is about serious gorging and drinking. Therein lies happiness, they wrongly think.

A young man could risk losing his babe, if he suggests, that they go for a nice little walk, you know, loose themselves in town and have fun on Chrismas day. That would be almost treasonable. Walk? Whom do you think she is, to be seen walking? You definitely are out!

So you don’t exercise, you don’t eat reasonably (I did not say a lot), you start getting all those problems. I remember being taught that walking to school is actually good for the little fellas. Today if couples, who have just entered the ‘rat race’ they could lynch you.

How dare you suggest that their little er…Fifi, walk two miles to her nursery school? Oh, our grand kiddies even have grand names too. I know a Maxine (Mhehe) Fifi (Mdengereko) and Junior (Mhaya) and Rihana (Mfipa).

One day I asked my lovely daughter (whose name is classified) why she had a funny name for her kid. She looked at me straight in the eye and said; “Because the names you gave us are not computer friendly, dad.”

Which means that the modern parents are at the mercy of Bill and Melinda Gates? I am sure shortly when you buy a laptop. There will be a large file for names. We could have names like Pixie Frou Frou, after the girl’s dog. The name of the town the kid was conceived like Paris Hilton after the daughter of the hotel magnate. Or, Brooklyn, one of David Beckman’s little boys.

It’s normal to be a copycat. Now you are an African American, until you grow to find out few African Americans give a damn about Africa. You could ape David Bekham and name you baby after the name of the town baby was conceived.

Say, two partners could have a quickie while spending a night at Mpwapwa or Kintinku in Dodoma Region. Say the dad is called Balyorugolu. Their baby could end up being called Kintinku Balyoluguru. Or Mpwapwa Kasusura? You see,Mpwapwa is no Paris.

I don ‘t know if those names will wash. I mean a guy like me – Lusekelo and end up with a kid conceived in Kisiju. Kisiju Lusekelo or Lusekelo Kisiju?

Hang on – let’s zoom back to what causes all those unhealthy pressures and the healthy life. I think it could be partly what we throw into our bodies, and partly the joining the rat race. You see it every day. Just observe carefully. (Watch this space) The truth is you cannot be everything at the same time!

2009-12-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

Loving each other to death!

Middle age can be tricky. I hear once you go through the process of procreation, the urge to need each other (men and women, I mean) recedes. With men, they would rather go for an odd chat or drink or two to while the day away.

The things you once cherished increasingly become less and less important. My late old guy used to complain when they have had a tiff with the old girl: “Son, the surefire way of assuring yourself trouble in life are two things – a woman and a car.”

I would chuckle and look the other way. What was the Mzee talking about? I mean in those crazy years it was normal talk to the gang about you’re your and exploits with your ka-chick. Ninety per cent of the talk was wild fantasies. You walked from Dar to Miriam College in Morogoro to see your chick. She escorted you from Morogoro back to Dar. Love, you see.

You would lie to the rest of the gang (we were called gringos) about your exploits. “Did you score?” the gang would ask you, their eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

“Of course.” You would lie, “What do you think I am, a wimp? Six bloody times! You should have heard her scream with pleasure” You could hear the gringos sigh with a mixture of frustration and desire.

Later the whole gang would quickly disappear into the nearest loo to ostensibly have ‘showers’. Some would were heard to fall flat on the wet floors of the bathrooms.

Before you know it, you are grown up. Money becomes a problem. Before you date her you must have the money. That’s when you are taught that before you spend money you must earn it.

This makes much sense to me today. You just cannot spend money you don’t have. Except, of course, you are an African government, like Bongo. I later came to learn that most of the toffee-nosed bums who did that, ended up being wimps when they grew up. But the culture is very much into fashion today. Individuals and governments. And all the wimps who spend money without working for it are called fisadis. I just wonder for how long we are going to continue with the culture of glorifying thieves.

Also the trouble with middle-age is that instead of working on the joys of this category of age, your body starts rebelling. Your body says: “Okay, old boy, go and kill that ka-little chick. Just right for you.” Your head says yes as you ogle her with desire.

But, south of the border, the ka-thing behaves like a little baby who is learning how to walk. Damn! You feel like singing to the little uncle down there: “Up you go, I said. Attaboy! You can’t let me down in Mzee’s hour of need”

Nothing. Then one day, the scientist of the world discovered those little blue pills. Take two and the fireworks begin. But the medicos forgot to warn the middle aged guys, that…simply don’t overdo it! In the process of trying to ‘kill’ somebody with joy, you might end up very dead yourself, with a cardiac arrest!

Hard times. How will it be, having a barful of grumpy middle-aged potential lovers? The guy thinks the ka-thing could be having the bug and the ka-dada worrying that the James Bond across the table is carrying a loaded gun with a deadly HIV virus, not necessarily at the service of Her Majesty the Queen? Hard times these!

2009-12-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Majizi yafungwe kwanza kabla ya Marshal Plan

Wakati wa Mkutano wa Leon Sullivan mwaka mmoja uliopita kulikuwa na maneno ya kututia moyo sisi Wafrika katika mkutano wa Leon Sullivan unaoendelea huko Arusha. Binafsi nilipendezwa sana na maneno ya rais mstaafu wa Nigeria, Olusegun Obasanjo na mchungaji na mwanasiasa maarufu wa Marekani, Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson amekuwa na maoni kwamba ili kuiwezesha Africa kupata maendeleo ya haraka lazima jamii ya kimataifa, kwa makusudi, ibuni Marshal Plan kwa ajili ya Africa.

Sasa Marshal Plan ilifanywa na Umarekani kwa nchi za ulaya ziinuke kiuchumi baada ya kuteketezana katika vita vya pili vya dunia vya mwaka 1939 hadi 1945. Na kweli iliwezekana. Ndiyo leo tunaiona ulaya ilivyoendelea.

Mchungaji Jackson ndiyo ameshauri hiyo. Na mimi nakubaliana naye. Lakini naona kwanza kabla la hilo tufuate ushauri wa Obasanjo kwanza.

Yeye alitoa kauli nzito dhidi ya viongozi wa Afrika na kuwataka kupambana na rushwa katika nchi zao, hata kama zinawahusu viongozi wakuu waliopo madarakani na wale waliostaafu ndani ya nchi zao.

“Ili mataifa ya Afrika yaweze kupata maendeleo lazima viongozi wake wakubali kupambana na wala rushwa katika nchi zao, hata kama ni wakuu ndani ya nchi zao,” alisisitiza Obasanjo.

Nasikia kauli hiyo ya Obasanjo ilisababisha ukumbi mzima wa AICC kupiga makofi na kumshangilia, kitendo ambacho kilionyesha jinsi suala la ufisadi linavyowakera wengi wa Waafrika.

Kutoka Tanzania na Afrika nzima, lazima tufikie mahali tuanze kuulizana maswali na tuone hatua zikichukuliwa. Mwizi ni mwizi tu! Hatuwezi kusema rais au aliyekuwa rais akiiba basi ni ‘mla rushwa’ na mwizi wa kuku au simu ya mkononi ni mwizi wa kuuawa.

Wote ni wezi tu na lazima wachukuliwe hatua. Hata siku moja mwizi asije akaniomba mimi nimheshimu. Mimi nitakaa naye mbali sana.

Maana yake sasa barani Afrika imekuwa utani. Mtu anagombea urais ili aende akafuje mali, aibe na ajinufaishe. Eti, anaenda Uwanja wa taifa, anashika msahafu na kuapa kwamba atawatumikia Watanzania kwa utii, uadilifu na uwezo wake wote. Anaomba Mwenyezi Mungu amsaidie!

Huko ni kumtania Mwenyezi Mungu! Kumbejeli na kumkebehi Mwenyezi Mungu. Tumekubaliana kitaifa viongozi watalindwa mpaka Mungu akiwachukua. Hawatakufa na njaa. Lakini uroho hauwaishi.

Najua sisi bianadamu tunatabia ya uroho. Lakini kama wenzetu wa nchi zilizoendelea wanachukuliana hatua pale pale mauroho yanavyo washinda, lazima na sisi WaAfrika tuweke mikakati kama hiyo.

Obasanjo alisema: “Inabidi tukubali na tuwe tayari kuwafikisha mahakamani hata mawaziri na wakuu wa polisi kama wamehusika na vitendo vya rushwa, ndipo tutaweza kujipanga na hatua nyingine ya kukuza uchumi wa nchi zetu.” Alisema Mzee Obasanjo.

Kauli hiyo ya Obasanjo imekuja wakati marais kadhaa wastaafu wa Afrika, akiwamo yeye mwenyewe, wakiwa wanatuhumiwa kwa rushwa na matumizi mabaya ya madaraka walipokuwa viongozi.

Pamoja naye, orodha ya marais wastaafu wanaokabiliwa na tuhuma hizo ni pamoja na Benjamin Mkapa wa Tanzania, Frederick Chiluba wa Zambia na Bakili Muluzi wa Malawi.

Sawa kabisa. Nadhani JK amesikia vizuri sana kauli hiyo ya Obasanjo. Hakuna kitu kibaya sana kama wananchi kukosa imani na serikali yao!
Jirani zetu kama Zambia, Malawi wamaulizana maswali. Sisi tunangoja nini? Krismas?

2009-12-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

Beat bus fares – walk!

Millions are disgusted by the recently bus fare hikes which have been rammed down our throats. Being a born optimist I have tried to look at positive side of the rising prices of fuel and the knock-on effect it has on the transport sector. I can see none, of course.

If you tickle the transport sector you tickle almost everything. Food goes up. The rising fuel price has made life hell for most of us. Even watching girls go by is getting to be quite expensive. If you give her the glad eye she tells will you she would love a fancy cell-phone.

You go: “Hi baby. How are you doing? How about a drink?”
“Nokia, thanks.” She replies.
Confused, you ask: “Did you say ‘no thanks’ or something?”
“I said ‘Nokia thanks. I don’t want a drink I would love a Nokia phone.” She tells you before you hastily flee to save your pocket from utter ruin.

The fuel price rises have even raised the costs of socialising. Now we consumers, mainly in Dar, have to pay for the stuff coming from the hinterland.

What I have been doing is making some counter-measures to make my life liveable. I have become a minimalist. You only buy what you need. In food I have almost become a vegan. Veggies are the stars in my diet. But it seems the vegetable producers have sent spies out to check on the consumption of vegetables. It is increasing. So the veggie producers have upped the prices of their product.

I am not a foody myself. You should eat only when you are hungry and only enough to live on. Don’t treat your body as a garbage dump. Red meat is definitely out. Only eat chicken and fish. But their prices are through the roof. So you buy them when celebrating New Year. So chicken and fish will be enjoyed in the New Year. Inshallah!

I don’t actually go to work. I work from my bedroom. This cuts costs of commuting. Why use two thousand a day in the hassle of jumping on and off daladalas in different parts of Dar es Salaam when you can text stories using your cell-phone? The late Chinese leader, Deng Xiao-Ping said: “It matters not if the cat is black or what, provided it catches the mouse.”

The way we are going on I fear the government might impose tax on breathing in our country. So I take deep gulps of fresh air every morning – just is case. You never know with governments. They have a tendency to impose impossible taxes on their citizens and lie to them that that is ‘development’ and the economy is growing.

Fuel prices and bus fare hikes. No daladala rides so maybe we should opt to exercising. Walking.

Actually we should walk more. It is good for the heart, researchers say. It also stimulates the blood circulation, gives you a feeling of well being, and makes you bloody tired!

2009-12-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

Is the madness going to continue?

I read a mad statement from the Immigration Services Department that the government will this year stop issuing working permits to foreigners engaging in petty businesses reserved for locals.

Immigration services spokesman Abdi Ijimbo, said that foreigners are only allowed to invest in major businesses requiring huge capital.

Indeed. Do asking for a permit to come and sell plastic flowers in Tanzania need huge capital? Or do you need to call the selling of soap, toys and other knick-knack ‘major businesses?

The insult to the people of Tanzania continues unabated. Tanzanians cannot sell soap and other junk coming from the Far East, more than 40 per cent of it is plain junk and fakes.

The scandal at the immigration department has long been around, and as usual, no one has been caught. It doesn’t sound tough to me. All you have to do is to find who signed for a Chinaman or anyone from the Far East come to sell plastic flowers in Tanzania.

Now I know that most of the ruling party has sold off and been bought by the rich guys with money. They are currently busy trying to sweep the muck under the carpet. Trouble is the mound of pooh to be swept under the carpet is too big. The whole Tanzania house now stinks of fresh pooh. You have to have a mega-cold not to smell the stench.

It it now so country-wide and everyone is partaking in the looting. How can an Immigration man allow foreigners come to sell toy flowers to Tanzanians? Worse, once the Far East smart alecs, bring in their junk, they go into slave practice.

They hire young Tanzanian men ad women to walk from bar to bar to sell their stupid junk for them. The kids call what they are doing ‘a promotion’ for their junk. Slavery behind closed doors, if you ask me.

Who, in the first place, even imagines that Tanzania belongs to every tom,dick and hamisi – except, that is, Tanzanians themselves. Believe me dear reader, some thugs are just selling our country from our very feet right now. I think I could do with a bit of anger. Tanzanian should learn not to take crap from anyone including the government itself.

The immigration department is a government department. So has it been allowing in toy sellers from the Far East with government consent. Because if that is the case, then we might as well put up the entire country for sale.

It seems that the business of running the country has overwhelmed us. Let’s put it up for sale to the big powers. After all the second scrabble for Africa is in progress.

He first scramble for Africa had the Brits, Germans , French and the Belgians. The reasons are the same – Africa’s vast resources.

In round two of the scramble we have new entrants – India, China and maybe Brazil. Our ‘sons of Africa’ now in their air-conditioned offices are selling this country now. They are selling everything.

In 560 years rich Tanzanians will be going to China to see the lions and there might be wilderbeest migrations, not in the Serengeti, but in Uttar Pradesh region in India. The Africans will have sold their entire continent for whisky and shangingis!

2009-11-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

Fried fish a la John Pombe!

Hurray! I hear that the ministry of livestock development, fisheries and is giving out fish - gratis. Courtesy to the exploits of the minister himself, John Pombe Magufuli and his brilliant shock troops within his ministry.

The fish was impounded by the ministry after they caught Philipino pirates off the coast of Tanzania. Immediately the ministry got ‘creative’ and after 5 month of being stored in some cold-storage in Mwenge at a privately-owned set-up the fish is now given out free of charge and the government is left with a tidy debt of $1.18 million. The rest is ancient history.

But, wait for one big, fat minute. There has been another hiccup. No free fish has been given out. It seems that the ministry’s brilliant bureaucrats cannot even give the chow free.

I take back what I said earlier that the fish should have been auctioned five months ago, that would have been a momentous job. Now I am told that even giving it away free is another problem. Maybe we should call the donors to help. Let’s face it guys, we cannot even give free fish to people.

It’s quite a lot of fish, John and his super intelligent shock troops are trying to give out – some 296.32 plus tonnes of tuna (jodari). I have had a bit of tuna steaks before (definitely not from John’s ministry). But you cannot just grill 296.32 tonnes of the stuff. Cooking oil is in very short supply in Bongo. If you want to grill it, you will destroy half the Sao Hill forest reserve.

But not to worry too much. My spies in the ministry of livestock development and fisheries have hinted to me that John and his staff have been burning the mid-night oil manufacturing a special menu on how to do the tuna for those who manage to get the fish.

I hear not much time has been spent on writing the prisoners’ menu. Their fish will just be boiled with a pinch of salt and some ugali. That should do. If they protest the jailbirds will be told that under no circumstances will their tuna be seasoned. If they say ‘fyoko’ the fish will be withdrawn and they could go back to the diet they are used to – ugali and rotten beans!

For schools the dentis will get their fish seasoned an onion or two for a school of 600 students. If I know the ministry well, the whole lot of the fish will be pinched by headquarters staff. I mean if they steal exams year in and year out, and steal scholarships for their kids, girlfriends and boyfriends, what stops them from stealing tuna?

And hospitals? That will be the easy one. When the technocrats of Muhimbili are asked how come there is not even a whiff of tuna smell in the wards at he hospitals there will always be an answer. An elaborate report will be written that there has been an outbreak of an unidentifiable disease. That there have been sudden losses of appetite at the referral hospital and in frustration the fish have escaped into the Indian Ocean again.

But for the high echelons in society, they will be given a special menu for them to ‘taste’ the tuna. One of the biggies’ wives would be advised to make some stir fried Indian Ocean tuna steak a la John Pombe.

State House cooks could be advised to present to mzee some Indian Ocean tuna fish done in coconut sauce and Ubwabwa. I also
guess the Bunge will want to have an explanation about swimming dead tuna fish from Muhimbili. What John’s ministry could do is suggest a heavy menu for the Parliamentarians.
It could consist of John Pombe’s succulent tuna chunks, marinated in thick Tamarind sauce and chapatis to be washed down with chilled dry Dodoma white wine. That could put MP’s in a more agreeable frame of mind to hear his story and momentous goofs.

2009-11-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

A sucker is born every minute!

It must be the abject poverty we are facing as a country. Tanzania now sounds, Haiti the world’s poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere. Nearly the entire country seems to run out of ideas to think. Now we are drifting en masse into superstition. Uchawi.

Every conman is on a feeding frenzy in Tanzania. And I mean every con-man is on the take. Most politicians jive us nearly everyday and some bums seems to believe the rubbish. A Bunge Committee finds out some blatant thievery over our Richmond racket, the proof is there and the culprits of the racket say that is not true – without batting a lid.

We, the suckers seem to agree with the hogwash. The racketeers arrogantly say they don’t believe in the report from the waBunge. They want a group of judges to prove them innocent, looking very ridiculous in the process.

Now they want a group of prophets to come from heaven and deny that there has been heavy thieving. Oh, the game is being played all over the country. Someone had suggested that the entire deals on mining in the country be re-examined. This is good thinking, of course.

But there is a deliberate attempt to scupper the whole deal. We Tanzanians take the crap with great joy. In the land deals we are busy giving out lands, to foreigners, eti, to increase our agricultural potential which is performing abysmally. We simply give fancy names like ‘kilimo kwanza’.

But one would have at least thought that there are things which are home grown – like juju. Every country has its home-grown version of juju. Not in Bongo. We have mostly fake rulers, fake policies and we have now even fake jujumen.

I have known about fake religionists, religious con-men, who yell about ‘sacrifice’. In short, is you give them money and you will be blessed by the Almighty. One wonders, just who gave them the power to cut a deal between you and the Almighty God?

Notice how many churches have sprouted in the country? Maybe the government should encourage this entrepreneurship (ujasiria mali) It is easy to analyse those things. Some guys think there is a short-cut to religious nirvana. Just keep bribing the guys who call themselves his shepherds and everything will be hunky-dory for you. You can bribe the mere mortals here on earth, but can you bribe God?

And now enterprising Tanzanian con-men have already taken a leaf from the religious con-men. It have been rumored that Nigerian con-men are very good at what they do. They are on first names terms with the Almighty.

They sound like what you hear in those churches which sprout like mushrooms. You want a husband? Everyone knows that young damsels in distress are desperate to get married.

But life is not that easy and young men are reluctant to get hitched. So they run off to some ‘church’ to give money to con-men so that they can get a ‘husband’. In most cases the ‘husbands’ ends up being the one yelling about knowing God on the first name basis. The so-called Nigerian juju men do exactly the same. Ask some conned girls and they will tell you about their horror stories.

People are jobless, the con-men will get you a job instantly – but for a substantial dollop of money. A girl want a baby, instead of going to check out with a gyno, she goes to some religious con-man and he mostly ends up providing stud services for the chick.

And since there is a sucker born every minute, a con-man called Fataki, in Dar es Salaam changes his name and becomes Babatunde Oyawole, from Nigeria, ready to make young girls pregnant for a hefty fee. Gigolos in the name of the Lord!

It’s a mixture of abysmal ignorance and plain stupidity which feeds on the victims. By the by, have you noticed that it’s mostly women who fall victims to those con-men. They steal the little money the have from their families, only to go and hand it over to the combined religious and so-called juju men.
I also hear that religious con-men travel to West Africa to go and get juju so that they get many worshipers, which means more sacrifices. Just remembers that for anyone calling for sacrifice, you should know that there are a group of guys who grow fabulously rich eating those sacrificial offerings – tax free!

2009-11-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! ... Maybe!

So the president of Unguja, Amani Abeid Karume and the de facto Pemba boss, have suddenly decided to kiss and make up, after a bitter struggle in the politics of the Zanzibar? Just like that?

And the rest of us are supposed to raise our hands in praise of the Almighty God. Not me. I find it very difficult to suddenly start believing in political miracles. How do we record this for posterity?

That it was a lovely morning in Zenj, as the glorious sun was rising from the East, the air in Zenj was pungent with the aroma of exotic spices, and maandazi, as Mzee, Dr, Bwana Mkubwa suddenly felt the need to phone his rival.

Imagine this:“Assalam Aleykum, Maalim.”
“Aleykum Salaam. Whatever you say, you stole the votes in 1995, you stole the votes 2000 and in 2005. So there!” the maalim’s eyes glow with evil intentions.
“Who’s talking about rigging elections? I am talking about a very serious matter here. I am talking about the expulsion of dudus.”
“What dudus? No Amani, you are not getting away with it this time, dudus or not!”
“Listen man. I am inviting you to attend my awarding of a PhD in mosquito expulsion from the Zanzibar Islands. I will get the doctorate from the Kairuki University Hospital in Dar is Ssalaam.”
“Kariuki Hospital? Surely it should be in Nairobi…” corrects the maalim.
“No, Professor Kairuki memorial hospital in Dar and maalim, I have other goodies to offer you and your buddies in the CUF.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” asks the maalim, who suddenly gets very keen to hear the Zenj president’s story. The Zenj president inches closer and whispers something into the maalim’s ear.

Suddenly he maalim is all teeth, any dentist would love that. “Say no more Amani, say no more. We will discuss the rest of the deal at the Prof Kariuki Memorial Hospital in Dar iss Ssalaam…” says Dr Shamhuna who is the deputy chief minister in Zenj. “Dr Kairuki,” Corrects Dr Shamsi Nahodha Vuai, the Chief Minister.

Impeccable sources in the Zanzibar swear that they do not know what deal has been cut amongst the heavyweights in the Zenj political establishment.

A cheeky observer, wearing a barghashiyeh, was seen thinking aloud:“These guys have been jockeying for positions in the next government. The thing is about who will be the next generation of eaters next year.’ The man was last seen being escorted with men wearing, SMGs, RPGs, tear-gas bombs, stun guns and other anti- personnel paraphernalia.

2009-11-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

The crap of labeling people

I have been watching it with apprehension – this habit, by our media, of labeling people according to their position in government. A former goat herder rapidly changes his position and becomes minister so-and-so. Why isn’t he called goat herder so-and so?

Right now we have guys calling themselves ‘engineers’. CCM secretary-general Uncle Joe Makamba is a sexagenarian,yet he is still a lieutenant. One wonders when he will make it to captain. Captains George Mkuchika John Chiligati still think like socialist cadres. The guys haven’t heard that the internet has been around for the past 40 years.

Frankly, I don’t mind guys applying mascara and other make-up to their names to make them sound impressive. I just ignore that crap. But, maybe I heard wrong, even the Speaker of Parliament, Sam Six called the media and denied that he was “after former prime minister Ted Lowasa’s job as prime minister.”

Right now the wags on both side of the political divide are busy throwing mud at each other – to the delight of the rest us Wananchi. I frankly never knew that there were foul mouthed thugs with their basketfuls of money doing anything they can do to smear the good guys in the party.

Look at the lies the utterances of the Dar es Salaam CCM Secretary, Kilunde Ng’emda and CCM chairman, Johyn Guninita swearing that the IPP boss is not a members of the CCM. It’s so gross. Then after their political masters corrected them, they come in with a groveling apologetic letter. Eti secretary, eti, chairman. Those ignoramuses don’t even know their own party members. Or, one could say they went into strategic amnesia, when it came to Reginald Mengi’s membership. Thus goes the power of money!

Everyone knows that they are the thieves in some circloes of the CCM.. Everyone knows that they are desperately trying to call the shots in the party. They have bought some starving MPs but not all. Some have stood their ground and thumb their noses at the rich fisadis. And now the knives are out.

Crap like, Sam Six is gunning for Ted Lowasa’s job. A load of bull crap, of course. Nobody, but nobody ‘owns’ a job of president, prime minister, minister or any position in the Tanzania political establishment. This is never a monarchy. The great English playwright, William Shakespeare summed the entire game up: The world is a stage, you come and do your gig and as the curtain falls, bow out your adieu. Kwisha!

In fact Sam Six should not have given the rubbish from the CCM money bags even the honour of replying to that accusation. I mean what is wrong with aspiring to be a president, or prime minister or a minister or staying as a goat herder - and good luck to you with the in-coming El Nino?
Tanzanians should know that no one owns a ‘title’ in our land. The politicians actually encourage people to adorn them with mascara and make-up in their titles. The latest mascara application to the faces of our politicians is the PhD. All that is just childish vanity.

2009-11-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

Si ujana au uzee, ni uadilifu!

Wala tusijidanganye kuwa tukia na watawala vijana ndiyo mambo yatakuwa safi kabisa Tanzania. Akizungumza na njini Dar es Salaam na vijana kutoka nchi mbalimbali za Afrika wakishiriki katika mpango wa kulea Uongozi wa Afrika (African Leadership Initiative) Rais Kikwete alisema kuwa vijana ndiyo Tanzania ya kesho na kama haikuweza kuwawekeza vya kutosha katika vijana wao na maendeleo yao, basi itakuwa haiwezi katika hali yake ya baadaye.

Rais Kikwete aliondoa kusikia kwa wachambuzi wa habai kama ataendelea na urais au hapana. Inaonekana ataendelea. Amesema akiendelea basi atawachngamkia vijana katika uongozi nchini.

Nakubali. Na maneno haya niliyasikia zamani sana – kuwa eti sisi ni taifa la kesho, eti sisi na tegemeo la nchi yetu tukufu Tanzania. Lakini rika langu limeangalia na kutafakari na kuona mambo yanavyokwenda na tukagundua kuwa yote hayo yalikuwa danganya toto.

Hapa tunazungumzia kuhusu madaraka. Na kitu madaraka ni simi inayokata pande zote mbili. Ni kali sana. Ukichukua vijana, mimi naona, ukimwondoa Hayati Baba wa Taifa, Mwalimu Nyerere, Mzee Rashid Kawawa, Mzee Abdul Sykes na wengine wachache wasiofika kumi, watu hawa waliochukua madaraka ujanani, ni wachache sana waliobaki kuwa ‘watu wa kawaida’.

Nilibahatika kuwaona wote kwa karibu sana wakati mimi nilivyokuwa kadogo. Mpaka walivyostahafu walikuwa wako vile vile, ila umri ndiyo ulionyesha, siyo kwa kusem hovyo, bali kwa busara zao.

Leo uzao wetu umeanza kunyemelea uzeeni. Wenzetu wengine wamepata madaraka makubwa sana. Lakini mimi nawaona wale wale. Wengine hawna taabu, lakini wengine wamekuwa vichaa kabisa. Wamelewa madaraka kabisa! Mpaka imefikia kuwa leo ukiwaona mafree wa Pugu unawakimbia kwa aibu.

Nikaanza kuwauliza wenzangu – hivi kwa nini wale wanamapinduzi tuliokuwa nao shule, tukaapa kufa kuikomboa Tanzania wamebadilika manna hiyo? Kwa ujumla tukagundua kuwa wengi wenye majidai ya kitoto na kijinga walikuwa wametokea kwenye kwenye nyumba za tembe kule kwao. Wametokea kwenye umasikini wa kutisha. Aliyepafanya mpaka waone shule alikuwa ni Baba wa Taifa na siasa yake ya elimu kwa wote. Hivi hivi wangekuwa wanachunga mbuzi kwao tu.

Kwa hiyo vijana hao, ambao sasa wamekuwa madarakani wanadiriki hata kumponda Mwalimu, kwa kuwawezesha kusoma shule na sasa wanataka kuwa viongozi. Kwa babau za kisaikologia baado wanaukimbia ule umasikini waliokuwa nao kabla hawajakuwa wamekombolewa na limu hiyo.

Kwa hiyo nyumba moja haitoshia, bali nyumba nane. Gari moja halitoshi ila magari kumi. Watoto kusoma Tanzania haiwezekani ni Ulaya. Mabinti zao wakipata chunusi puani, hakuma hospitali Tanzania, mpaka aende ulaya au sausi. Huo unaitwa ulimbukeni na siku hizi utauona sana kwa hao wanaoitwa vijana.

Na kijana ni kijana. Anataka wanawake wote wawe wake, ukimtaka mmoja utafukuzwa kazi. Majina mengi ninayo ya uhuni wanaofawanya hao wanaoitwa vijana wanaowaonea wenzao kwa mambo ya kupuuzi. Njemba imeshindwa kubonga, basi inaondoa upinzani kwa kumfukuza kazi mwenzake anayeshinda.

Kazi hawezi, lakini kwa sababu ni mtoto wa fulani, basi anaendelea kumbandikwa katika cheo hicho. Naona wengine wananing’inia kwa majina ya baba zao. Kwani Mwalimu na Mzee Kawawa walitegemea majina ya Baba zao?

Uchizi huo ukiendelea Africa itaanza kutawaliwa na watoto wa marais wa sasa. Usultani umeanza Gabon, Misri, Mzee Museveni nae anataka kufanya maajabu huko Uganda.

Tunachotaka ni viongozi wenye busara, siyo uzee au ujana. Kuna wazee wahuni na utawaambia vile vile. Na kuna vijana, na wao ndiyo wanaweza kuwa waharibifu zaidi. Nao tutawazomea vile vile.
Kwani hivi sasa, Tanzania inaburuzwa na matapeli walichache wenye hela ambao wanataka kuteka nyara nchi yetu. Ni wazee wale? Si vijana majambazi, wenye vijisenti tu, ambao wamekinunua chama tawala?

2009-11-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

Wacha tu waendelee kuzipiga

Wiki mbili hizi kumekuwa na bonge la burudani kisiasa nchini kwetu. Mimi binafsi nimekuwa ni mmoja wa wananchi wanaoona kuwa mgogoro unaoendelea kwa upande fulani unamaslahi kwa WaTanzania. Nimekuzwa katika utamaduni wa kama mtu anataka kukuuzia ubabe wa kijinga na usiokuwa wa maana, basi kwanza mnatoka nje, mnananesa kwa ngumi na mateke, na atakayetoka na nundu shauri lake.

Nakumbuka, marehemu rafiki yangu mpenzi alikuwa akiwakatisha tama maadui zetu waliokuja na ngumi mkononi kwa kuwaambia kuwa ‘kupigana ni njia ya washenzi ya kupatana’

Wengine wamesema kuwa mgogoro unaotokea hivi sasa katika chama tawala ni wa kitoto. Mimi ninauangalia kimtizamo mwingine. Hao tunaowaita wazee nao pia walikuwa vijana siku moja. Wengine walikuwa hivyo hivyo, waadilifu, watu wa kuheshimika na watu poa kwa ujumla.

Wengine walikuwa chakaramu, wahuni, majitu ya hovyo kwa ujumla. Ila tu umri umewafanya walainike na kuficha makucha yao ya uzeeni. Lakini ukiwakwarua kidogo tu, wazee hao, wanarudia uchakaramu ule ule, na ukimuingilia hovyo atakupiga mabichwa usiyotegemea.

Sema tu wanatumia muda usiokubalika. Ukimuiona kijana asiyeenda disco akiwa na umri wa miaka 20 na, na kukimbizana na wenzie wa rika lake basi ujue kuna tatizo hapo. Na ukiona mzee wa miaka 55 anakwenda disco na kuanza kufukuzana na vijukuu vyake – eti wapenzi wake, napo hapo kuna matatizo makubwa.

Sasa tangu kupata uhuru, tumekuwa na chama kimoja cha siasa, ambacho kimefinyangwa kwa kiasi kikubwa na Baba wa Taifa, Hayati, Mwalimu Julius Nyerere. Ni yeye aliyekipa chama hicho heshima kubwa, kwanza kabisa kwa kujiheshimu yeye mwenyewe na kuwaheshimu wananchi wa Tanzania.

Wakati wa uhai wake, alisema tena na tena, umuhimu wa chama kuwa cha wakulima na wafanya kazi wa Tanzania. Aliwatilia ngumu sana majambazi yaliyotumia fedha kukinunua chama hicho. Lakini baada ya ya kumgoja Mwalimu apite njia yake hapa Ulimwenguni, majambazi hayo ya kisiasa, yameamua kuiteka nyara nchi nzima. Ndiyo wote huu ugomvi wao na vikaragosi vyao unaoendelea dhidi ya Watanzania.

Wengine wanasema kuna uwezekano wa chama tawala kugawanyika. Mimi sioni ubaya wowote kwa hilo. Ila ningependa wabunge mashujaa wenye kuipenda nchi yao wasiachie ngazi, hata wakidhalilishwa namna gani na wababe wa ‘Misheni Kota’ (Mission Quarters) Ilala, kama Sophia Simba na kundi lake. Wacha wababe, wao ndiyo waondoke na kuanzisha chama chao cha mafisadi.

CCM si chama kibaya. Ila kuna uchafu ambao unamahela, ambao wanataka kuendelea kufanya na kuendelea kufanya uovu wao kudhalilisha Tanzania. Majambazi hayo wacha yaendelee kuihujumu nchi yetu na tuone yatafika wapi. Hawawezi kundi la majambazi likaendelea kudhalilisha utu wa Watanzania kwa vipande 50 vya fedha.

Hali hii ya kuiendesha chi yetu kama gari bovu, haitaruhusiwa kuendelea milele. Hata Mwenyezi Mungu hatakubali uonevu huu. Mapambano yaendelee tu. Watanzania wanawajua mashujaa wao!

2009-11-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

Sophia runs away with her mouth!

Lovely times. The general population has been beyond themselves in the on-going game of powers shortage. Instead of getting electricity and power we have been getting plenty of hot air from an assortment of clowns masquerading as politicians.

While different government departments have been playing ping-pong on the electricity games, others have started hallucinating. Just the day before yesterday, the Prez Jack Mrisho, complained that he does not get enough support from foreigners in his struggle against grand graft, except the Brits and their Serious Fraud Unit, his inappropriately called minister of good governance, Sophia Simba has sworn that there is nothing with thosassociated with high doubtful deeds including high graft.

Sophia finds former attorney General Andy Chenge, squeaky clean. The minister of inappropriately called ‘good governance’ has been embattled for quite some time. But one thing one would say one admires is that she can utter some untruths without batting a lid. That is the Almighty Lord’s greatest gift to womanhood. I mean, how would you take this maza, when she goes before Mzee Mwinyi tribunal and say that all those CCM hero MP who refuse to be manipulated by the moneyed rich guys in the party are themselves fisadis?

She defended chief suspects, Rostam Aziz, Ted Lowassa, Nizar Karamagi, Andy Chenge among others, as the angels in the midst of the Tanzania society. Which is rubbish, of course. The minister of the inappropriately called ‘good governance’ is simply trying to insult the intelligence of the Tanzania people. If she was some sort of a comedienne, we would have applauded her sense of humour and even have called for an encore.

But this? I mean just where do they manufacture such types up to the point they are picked,eti, as ministers? The farce is also very cheap. It reminds one when we were in primary boarding school. There were always scraps among students. The unwritten law was never to separate the combatants, until we knew who got a really decisive thumping.

Usually the one who was ‘getting it’ would start fighting dirty - stones, sand on the face, grabbing of the balls down there, gouging of eyes. A drowning person will always clutch at a serpent - the sages of yore correctly said. Now is maza drowning? If not, why is she playing dirty by referring to Anne Kilango’s married life? That Aunt Anne married Mzee Malecela because she thought he was going to be president and naturally, she would be first lady.

That when Mzee Malecela did not achieve power, Aunt Anne vengefully turned her focus into a fisadi hunter in the party. What if Aunt Anne turned the tables on the inappropriately named ‘minister for good governance’ and asked her who is her husband or husbands? How many kids has she been blessed with? Same baba? Could she furnish Tanzanians with her academic background? I think those quick mouthed politicians should know this before they engage their mouths – people in glass houses should not throw stones! For, can they withstand the counter attack?

2009-10-31T10:46:00.001-07:00

The withering counter-attack

After the attacks by the inappropriately called minister of ‘good governance’, Sophia Simba, against leading members of the anti-big time graft squad they have rallied and made a counter attack.

Former Prime Minister and CCM vice Chairman, Mzee John Malecela has dismissed Sophia Simba as a crazy nut who needs urgent psychological treatment from the Mirembe madhouse near Dodoma before heading back to Dar.

A day earlier Sophia had gone into a diatribe against Mzee John Malecela and his wife Anne Kilango Malecela. She accused them of having their wedding to be bankrolled by businessman, Jeetu Patel.

IPP boss Reginald Mengi called Sophia Simba an idiot: “There is an English saying that don’t argue with a fool, as people might not notice the difference.” But he said sometimes one has to respond, especially when some idiot starts to utter imaginary stuff from cloud-cuckoo land.

Sophia had accused Mengi of carrying fake CCM membership and that he never helped prop up the ruling party with finances. Which baffles some of us?

Is maza trying to tell the rest of us that if you are a businessman then you cannot join CCM unless you cough up some serious moola, then you will be regarded with an agreeable disposition by the rulers. That explains it, as to why the rich guys have hi-jacked the ruling party. The rest of us are to be used as fodder in the present election times.

Maza also accused Anne Kilango of having been a drug dealer. If that was the case then why didn’t she tell the anti-narc squad? Or was she working on a PhD in Applied Fibbing. Remember, that is not a crime in Tanzania. Some on-line university should hastily award her with a doctorate in manufacturing hot air. Welcome Dr. Sophia Simba!

2009-10-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

I told you so, John Pombe!

A couple of months ago, I said the government was about to goof in it’s handling of 296 tonnes of fish caught by Philippino pirates of the cost of Tanzania.

It was a commendable job by Livestock Development and Fisheries Minister, John Pombe Magufuli and his troops. Then some smart Alecs in the ministry, definitely with a nod from John Pombe himself, started thinking like traders, which is none of their business. That was the start of the goof.

They hired a trader in Dar who had cold storage facilities in Mwenge, to store the fish as ‘evidence’ Eyebrows were raised amongst sane men. Why store that ‘evidence’ at 800 dollars a tonne a day when it had already been verified by the state organs?

Eye Spy suggested that it only needed a posse of learned judges to spend an hour at the Mwenge Cold storage facilities and write their reports on the evidenced. Then auction the fish fasta to Tanzanians before the storage bill soared to dizzying heights. Of course the smart Alecs ignored the advise from the nosey media. In our country only the politicians and the bureaucrats are capable for any thought. The rest of us are the goons.

And now – voila! John Pombe has come in eating humble pie. The government will distribute the fish, valued at Shs 2.07 billion for free! In hindsight he has suddenly discovered that the government does not do business.

John Pombe said the distribution would start next week. The consignment would be distributed to institutions such as schools, higher learning institutions, prisons, hospitals and orphanages.

When you goof, you simply should bite the bullet and duck. But not to be outdone John Pombe started thinking with his mouth, instead of his head. He said the institutions will not be allowed to sell the fish!

Aw, c’mon John! How do you ‘supervise’ a corporal from say, Magereza, from picking up the fish from Mwenge and dropping half the loot at the Ferry Fish market?

Forgery is a fine art in Tanzania. The Bank of Tanzania (BoT) was cleaned up (EPA) by crude forgers in collusion with BoT officials. Now what stops John Pombe’s ministry officials from not ‘going to work’ on the fish deal?

During elections 10,000 voters all of a sudden turn to 20,000, all of whom swear that they love the CCM. What stops a driver from the Chuo Kikuu who has been told to pick 2 tonnes of tuna fish from the cold storage godowns from adding a zero and pick 20 tonnes? Will John and his cohorts be there to arrest him?

Worse, the minister says that Tanzanians shouldn’t worry about the huge bill to the taxpayer. “The public should not be worried over the cost over the cost of the impounded fish. We should be happy of victory against fishing pirates.” John Pombe has said placatorily.

But most of us are very uneasy about this. The cost of preservation of the consignment is $800 per tonne per month. By mid August, the government paid $1.184 million for the 296.32 tonnes for a five-month period. No offense meant, John, but some of us normal Tanzanians might pull out our calculators and start wondering what 10 per cent of $1.184 million is.

2009-10-31T10:34:00.002-07:00

Chiligati Watanzania siyo mabwege!

Waziri wa Ardhi, Nyumba na Maendeleo ya Makazi, John Chiligati amesema kitendo cha Rais Jakaya Kikwete, kutoa ardhi kwa wawekezaji si kuiuza nchi badala yake ni kukuza uchumi kupitia kilimo.

Chiligati amesema kuwa kitendo hicho hakiwezi kuwa ni kuuza nchi, kwa sababu wawekezaji wanakodishwa mashamba na wala hawamilikishwi, hivyo wakiondoka hawaondoki nayo.

Si kweli hata kidogo na ninadhani Bwana Chiligati anajua hiyo ni danganya toto. Mimi naona Chiligati, ambaye ni mkuu wa propaganda wa CCM anacheza na msamiati.

Kukodishwa maelfu ya ardhi ya Tanzania kwa miaka 99 ni nini, kama siyo kuuza? Ikipita miaka hiyo, huo mkodisho utaendelea – kwa miaka mingine 99. Ni nini hiyo? Na WaTanzania ambao watakuwa vitukuu na vilembwe wa watawala wa leo, na ambao wengi wanaishi vijijini, wataenda wapi? Sidhani kama wote watakuwa mawaziri wa ardhi, nyumba na maendeleo ya makazi au marais.

Kwa mtu yeyote anayeifikiria na kuipenda nchi yetu, atagundua kuwa huu ni ubinafsi mbaya sana. Kwa nini tunafikiria kama kuku? Maana yake kuku anaangalia njaa yake pale pale.Akishiba basi umetoka hiyo. Kesho itajijua yenyewe.

Wakati wa uhuru, miaka arobaini na iliyopita, Tanganyika ilikuwa na wananchi 12 milioni. Leo tupo 45 milioni. Wamezidi watu 30 na, milioni. Tukianza kuuza ardhi (mimi naona ni uhaini tu) na baada ta miaka 99 utakuwa na watu 70 milioni. Je,utawaweka wapi? Nchi yetu itakuwa ni ya manamba tu? Na waTanzania hawatakubali hiyo – zitapigwa tu!

Ukiangalia historia kidogo watawala waliota, baada ya kuambiwa na wakoloni mambo-leo, kuwa bila Tanzania kubinafsisha viwanda vyetu hatuwezi kuendela. Tumebinafsisha, tena kwa bei chee, na sasa tumebaki tunang’aa macho.

Juisi za embe na mananasi ‘zinatengenezwa’ nchini Saudi Arabia. Watanzania hawawezi kusindika juisi hizo. Nguo nzuri za pamba inayolimwa Shinyanga ‘zinatengenezwa’ Dubai. Watanzania hawawezi kushona nguo za pamba. Matusi hayo kwa Tanzania Bwana Chiligati! Inaonekana kuwa Watanzania hatuwezi kufanya lo lote.

Sasa anasema, na hiyo ni sauti ya watawala wetu, kuwa nchi yetu bila kuwa na wawekezaji katika kilimo cha mashamba makubwa haiwezi kuendelea. Huu utumbo tutaendelea kusikia mpaka lini? Hizi fikira tegemezi za watawala wetu zitaendedea mpaka lini?

Kujidharau gani huko kwa watawala, na kudharau waTanzania wenzao kuwa hawawezi kulima mpunga na ngano. Mpunga ni mpunga na ngano ni ngano. Kuna watumwa wa kimawazo (inferiority complex) ambao wanafikiria kuwa waarabu au wakorea wakilima mpunga unakuwa mzuri kuliko ule unaolimwa na mmatumbi huko Ifakara. Mtu mweupe akisema, hata upumbavu gani, anasikilizwa sana na watumwa hao wanaowahusudu watu weupe.

Haya tusaidiane – tunapata maendeleo gani kutoa ardhi yetu kwa wakoloni ambao watawala wanawaita wawekezaji. Tunapata nini kutoka kwenye kashfa ya Loliondo. Eti shule moja na kiwanja cha ndege. Ni lini wamasai wa Loliondo waliiambia serikali kuwa wanataka kiwanja cha ndege?
Tuambiwe faida tanayoipata au tutakayo ipata kwa kinadi ardhi yetu. Jamani kama hamna la kufanya, basi kuleni maraha tu. Lakini ardhi yetu muiache. Kama mtu hana la kufanya basi akae anywe chai. Siyo lazima aanze kuota cha kufanya. Ardhi yetu muiache!

2009-10-31T10:34:00.001-07:00

Hawa ni majizi tu!

Katika kumbukumbu ya mzee wetu, Mwalimu Nyerere, aliyetutoka miaka kumi iliyopita wengi wetu tumekuwa tukilaani hali tuliyonayo nchini, kwa kijanja sana. Karibu kila mtu anasema - Enzi za Mwalimu…

Kusema hicho wakati tukimkumbuka, imekuwa ni kama watoto waliobakizwa yatima. Lakini kikubwa zaidi ni kuwa tumewahi kuwa naye na sasa tunalaani tawala zilizofuata kwa kujifanya kumsifu na kumuenzi Mzee.

Sasa kama watu wakimuenzi marehemu baba yako na kutosema lolote kuhusu wewe mwenyewe, basi ujue wanakuponda kiungwana. Wengi wametumia nafasi hii kuponda yaliopo.

Nimewahi kuishi katika nchi jirani,Kenya, kwa miaka mitatu. Nimeona wenzetu wakisema ‘uzalendo’, wao wana maana binafsi. Ndugu zetu walipambana na wakoloni wa Kiingereza huku wakijifikiria wao binafsi. Wakina Lord Delamare na wakoloni wengine walivyong’olewa, waliokuwa wanajiita wazalendo waliingia kwenye utawala na kufanya madudu zaidi ya wakolini wenyewe.

Niliona shamba la aliyekuwa rais, Mzee jomo Kenyatta kati ya barabara ya Nairobi na Nakuru. Kulia ni shamba la Mzee na kushoto shamba la Binti yake, Margaret Kenyatta. Kwa kifupi tu – ni kufuru.

Na usiambiwe, kelele zote kutoka kwa jirani zetu ni hasa kwa sababu hawana ardhi. Ardhi yote imenyakuliwa na wajanja na watawala. Wananchi walio wengi wanakaa katika mageto, wao wanaita rizavu (native reserves) mijini.

Biashara zote kubwa zilikuwa na ni za familia na rafiki zake. Mpaka sasa imekubalika, au inaonekana hivyo. Majizi yamekubalika tangu walipopata uhuru.

Tanzania tuna mfano tofauti. Tulipata kiongozi na wenzake waliyeongoza nchi. Siyo kikundi cha watawala ambao wanafikiria kazi yao ni wizi.

Ukifananisha na yaliofuata utamfanya Mzee Nyerere awe ni mtakatifu. Ukifananisha na majambazi, kama Mobutu wa iliyokuwa Zaire (DRC), Omar Bongo (Gabon), Mugabe ambaye anaiga Kenya, utamuona Mzee Nyerere ni tofauti kabisa. Kwake nchi ilikuja namba moja. Uzalendo.

Mwalimu kaondoka na sasa tumebakia na unafiki wa kutisha. Eti, majitu yanauza nchi, na yanasema yanafuata maadili ya Mwalimu.

Huu unyang’anyi wa rasilmali za taifa zisiusishwe hata kidogo na hayati Mwalimu. Huu ubinafsishwaji na wizi wa viwanda vya umma uwekwe mbali kabisa na Mwalimu. Majambazi yameuza nchi na tuyaite hivyo hivyo – majambazi.

Mafisadi tuwaite hivyo hivyo – majizi, hakuna kuanza kuwapaka wanja watu wanaotia kichefu chefu. Hivi sasa dhamira ya kutumikia umma ni ndoto. Uongozi kwapu kwapu ndiyo unatamba.

Shukrani moja kwa Mwalimu ni kuwa alituachia kipimo cha maana ya uongozi. Kwa hiyo kila mwaka kumbu kumbu ya kututoka kwake uwe ni wa kuyazomea majizi na majambazi hayo.

Mambo yanayotokea sasa ya kuuza (wao wanaita lease) ardhi, kama wale machifu wa karne iliyopita yaandikwe vizuri kabisa. Machifu hao waliuza ardhi ya Tanganyika ili kupata shanga za wake zao, ulevi kama whiski, na kaniki. Majina ya machifu wa leo yaandikwe na kumulikwa vizuri ili wajukuu na vitukuu vyao wajue kuwa mababu zao walikuwa ni wahaini wakubwa wa nchi hii nzuri.
Nionavyo mimi katika ujambazi unaoendelea hivi sasa, Hayati Mwalimu Nyerere ataendelea kuwa mioyoni mwetu. Na kwa majambazi na majizi yanayoendelea ni kuwa wananchi wa Tanzania wana mfano wa kuwafananisha nao. Huu uovu hautaruhusiwa kuendelea milele. Mwalimu katutoka. Lakini Mwalimu bado anaishi!

2009-10-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

Those randy regions!

According to a study, the people in Shinyanga, Tabora, Lindi and Morogoro Regions go at each other in sexual activities as if there is no tomorrow. A Tacaids official has told a seminar that in Shinyanga a man can enjoy the attentions of up to nine babes monthly!

Well, I don’t know if that kind of sexual athletics can actually be called ‘enjoyment’. Having heard how the guys in Shinyanga, Mwanza and the environs, that can be very hard work.

In dating game the youngsters of age gather and the young chicks of age are offered to chose the guy they fancy – ‘chagulaga’ they call it. Once the guy is chosen by his potential paramour, he has to do a Usein Bolt and chase the chick, through the bush.

This involves a touch of steeple-chase, long jumps, hop, step and jumps. He just has to race her to the ground and after some champion wrestling to win her favours. You could say that is foreplay, Nyamwezi and Sukuma style.

This means if you come from the coast and find yourself in Tabora or Shinyanga, you could end up dying of ‘uhanga’, as those cheeky varsity students call it. Coastal people are not exactly re-known for the art of wrestling.

Anyway, Tacaids does not have a problem with how people have their fun. What bothers them is that multi-partners cause the spread of the deadly killer disease - HIV/Aids.

So the advice is the guys in those regions should slow down, you know, bonk with discipline. If there is anything like that. So you just ask yourself, what could be the cause of the sexual overdrive in those regions?

Could be their diet. Ugali and yoghurt. But it can’t be that. We all eat ugali and some sour milk and other stuff. Maybe the guys add snake poison to stimulate their gonad glands.

Or, another reason could be the size of the ugali itself. To these guys, and the luos and the rest of them, size actually matters. I have seen brothers from those regions who disciplined a huge mound of ugali. They eat so much, you could see sweat running down noses. This could be the reason why the need nine chicks a month to keep them happy.

Some say it could be a deliberate move by, who else? – the government of the United Republic of Tanzania. They deliberately keep the citizens of those poor regions in the dark. No power and the present rationing doesn’t help a bit.

Now what do you do in downtown Nzega in Tabora region, after you have gone to do your ka-farm of maize? You come home, and after some chow, go for some local pombe. Once home, you can’t listen to the radio, of course no TV, no lights and you can’t read. You look at the wife and start thinking.

For those single men, after the pombe they hit the bush and the chagulaga game commences. It’s very romantic, full moon, on God’s open-air guest house. It’s amazing that, apart, from regrettable HIV/Aids deaths, there aren’t many incidents of snake bites, by venomous reptiles!

2009-10-31T10:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Dark es Salaam!

The citizens of Dar, no Dark es Salaam, have been baying, and are still are, for blood. They want their electricity, yesterday, or else! Not me! Over the years I have learnt not to raise my blood pressure because government incompetence and goofing. It’s not news.

Having been born an incorrigible optimist I thank the Almighty for my ability to look at the silver lining, not the cloud. If there is a problem, I don’t get angry, I get smart.

Take one. My ka-chick and I have all those lovely candle-lit dinners, every evening. It’s unbelievably romantic. Thanks to the government of the United Republic of Tanzania. Two of my neighbors have asked me for the government’s baby making ministry’s address. They are expecting to multiply in their family. Babies are on the way as a result of the romantic nights.

Personally, I am expecting to get the vacant job of Tanesco managing director. I hear some 50 guys have already applied. I will be the 51st, and believe me, I will get the job.

Don’t give me the bull-crap of not being qualified. Actually I have been withholding my PhD in Electricity Shedding for ages. Waiting for the right moments to strike. Timing is extremely important in these matters. So enter Dr. Adam Lusekelo (PhD Electricity Shedding)

I know, having Richmond in mind, Bwana Mkubwa, Jack Mrisho himself, will understandably be very suspiciously asking what miracles I will perform as the new boss of the utility company.

This will be easy streets for me. I will tell Mkuu that I will order for 10,000 transformers – from India, of course. These will be generously distributed throughout the country. Major towns like Msata in the coast region will get 500 machines. That will solve the problem of oncoming El Nino rains.

I will advice ‘Mzee’ that if the rains do not rain with discipline, that is, at Mtera and all those strategic rain catching area, he will have to dispatch post-haste, the Premier Mizengo Pinda to go to Thailand and buy some, lest there is drought. It has been done before with former Premier Ted Lowassa.

I will tell Mkuu that I have in place those indefatigable Tanzanian businessmen who have been helping this thankful nation how to cut all those deals like the radar thing, the Iveco trucks, and now 50 billion tractor deal, which will quadruple our agriculture in just five years time.

Super nationalist, Jayantial ‘Jeetu’ Patel has won the tractor deal. I will respectfully suggest that another super nationalist, Tarik ‘Bulbul’ Singh Sohal, of Idodi, in Iringa, be awarded the 10,000 transformer import deal.
But that is not all. As Tanesco boss I will assume that Tanesco has been possessed by the devil. So will summon all the preacher men in town to come and exorcise the devils (pepo), every week.

2009-10-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

Drunken driving is legal in Bongo!

In one of my sojourns abroad I was met with very agreeable couple with their two lovely kids. That evening they invited me to dinner at restaurant about three kilometers from their home.

The family had two cars but, came evening they suggested that we walk to the dinner place.
“But why?” I asked, flabbergasted.
“You see, we are planning to have a drink. Have some wine or something.”
“So what?” I asked. This time they were flabbergasted.
“But drunken driving is strictly not allowed in our country. You could get a five-year ban and a stiff fine for that. They police are very strict about drunken driving.” They insisted.

We left two top-notch cars and walked to the restaurant and back. Okay, we had great fun. But I could easily have done with a drive to and from the chow place.

The next morning, while I was yawning and reflecting the events last night, I felt a sense of nostalgia for the United Republic of Bongo. What country was that where one could ply oneself with booze and happily zigzag one’s home, ands God help everybody on the way?

Whatever they say about breaking the law one thing I have noticed – breaking the law is cool in the United Republic of Tanzania. As long as you don’t want to violently from power and you are well connected, you can literary get away with murder!

Drunken driving is perfectly okay in Bongo? You go to a watering hole and get pissed until you are blotto, then you stagger off to your car and start committing attempted murders on other citizen’s life and limb on the road. You may even succeed to commit suicide and kill other people in the process. Suicide driver or something.

What will society do? The traffic cop will hardly notice that before you killed other people you were bombed dizzy. Instead the traffic cop will have been busy admiring your four-wheel contraption and likely to ask for some chai for himself too.

Your chick will be busy, not restraining you, but admiring mzee fiddling with the latest CDs and making sure that rivals see her, well and clear nodding to the car stereo belting out the tunes. And society in general will be admiring as the drunk zooms around town. Society, in general will be nodding their approval on your drunken exploits. He has made it. He is rich.

But being bombed alone is not enough. The apart from the latest car you have to have latest cell phone. To have the right car, fairly drunk, the latest cell phone is absolutely de rigueur for any self-respecting city pretender claiming to have ‘made it’.

The phone must have a disco, radio, TV, a picture of your latest concubine (few spouses are lucky enough to make it to mzee’s I-Pod) a fast-take away restaurant, internet and everything – you just name it, it is in there.

Never mind that your own dad and mom are living – no, not living – semi starving in some hovel somewhere in some village. They are busy scratching mother earth with their chapped hands using hand-holes. While in town you claim that they are ‘farmers’.

I think if the billions stolen at EPA grand corruption could have made it to the rural areas that would have been understandable. But the guys are a living lie. Not I think Tanzania, as a country, is living in a bubble. One day that bubble will burst.

For now drink driving is cool, add a cell-phone and talking mostly nonsense while you are busy arranging a date in a guest house with someone’s spouse – that is no problem! You see breaking the law has become so common that we actually don’t need to worry about EPA. You start with small crimes and then go to big crimes. The society is now immune to criminality. You can break the law and most likely you will be handsomely rewarded for it!

2009-10-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

What the opposition should fight

I watch the opposition forces in Tanzania with great pity. They are presently busy flailing away at the constant political jabs from the ruling state-party, the mighty CCM, and are slowly getting punch-drunk. They are waiting for next year’s general elections and think that miracles will happen then. Mawe!

For example CCM’s secretary general, Joe Makamba has just taunted Tanzanians that he sees no substantial threats from opposition parties in the forthcoming civic elections. If that happens, then naturally CCM will win the parliamentary and presidential elections, he says.

Joe has a point. I would also say that, if I had the backing of the state juggernaut supporting me. He has also started using the magic word, kishindo (landslide) again after what happened in 2005.

But everyone knows that those landslides are not natural or home grown. You don’t need the dreaded El Nino rains to get such political landslides. In our countries they usually occur with a lot of help from human beings. The landslides in most African elections are man-made.

What the opposition should do is monitor those landslides and remove the causes. Some think that the pressure to the rulers is not enough. CUF recently had a rally to demand for an independent Electoral Commission. That should be louder.

There are also demands for independent candidates to contest the next elections. But that is being denied by the government. Our rulers are insisting on taking part in a football match and being the ref at the same time. Just take out your dictionary and check-out the word ‘dictate’ and you get a rough idea of those landslides.

But the opposition is partly to blame. Going for elections next year, is simply playing and endorsement of those who love the word ‘dictate’. You tie one hand of your opponent and invite him for a fair fight. That can not be so. It’s just no contest.

The opposition is also misreading the political terrain of Bongo. They should know that, like any people in this world, Tanzanians want change. First most of the people of Bongo want the CCM out, yesterday. This is simply because the ruling party has nothing new to say. But then, what is the alternative?

I hastily add that the opposition also has nothing new to say. Maybe Chadema has been making some right and credible noises to its listeners. Few of us even understand what the other parties stand for. Unity of the opposition remains as elusive as ever.

This leaves the CCM rubbing their hands in glee. They can throw all those damaging blows at will to the opposition. When it comes to CUF, the CCM throws a constant stream of punches that CUF is a religious-based (Islamic) party. This causes other political forces to recoil in horror.

When it comes to Chadema, the CCM propaganda machine drops heavy hints that it is a tribal party. TPL is branded as Gus Mrema’s personal party. Few of us really know what NCCR is up to.

This is plain to see that without unity the rulers for life of the opposition parties will only dream of the political power in Tanzania.
Change should also apply to the opposition. As it is now, it looks like the leadership of the opposition parties not only run, but also owns those parties. This running of political fiefdoms and calling them political parties for more than a decade simply won’t wash

2009-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

Leadership ethics? Where?

Former close aide of the late Mwalimu Nyerere, Joe Butiku, has warned that corruption has become so endemic that it is now like a cancer in the Tanzanian society.

He should know, for he was there, when a successive bunch of liars diddled Mwalimu to think that they were his ardent followers. In fact they were bidding their time and eventually outlasted the late Mzee. Now they are simply a national embarrassment.

Butiku has said hardened corrupt individuals holding public office have been infecting erstwhile honest Tanzanians with the bribery and corruption ‘disease”. That is simply not true. What we have now is not a disease, but a pandemic!

“Corruption is eating our nation. More and more public servants today are tossing public leadership in favour of dabbling in grand corruption, which can explain the sudden wealth that many of them now display.” He has lamented.

And the most irksome thing is they flaunt it! The rest of us mortals are supposed to applaud their idiosyncrasies. But then, when there is impunity, people start wondering and asking questions.

For example, the government is urging people to pay their taxes to help development. Serious things like spending their taxes in buying Shs 100 million shangingis each for the district Bwana Mkubwa to inspect development . Like the opening of a Shs 5 million shilling toilet in a primary school. Of course the money to dig the toilets that have been donated by donors.

Then the premier goes public and tells his civil servants to cut spending for the luxuries. The civil servants simply ignore him and buy more shangingis. Some of us mortals start wondering – just who is the boss?

Then the government orders the people to pay their taxes. The natural question from the people is - why? To get social services, the government replies, trying to be reasonable.

But we think we citizens of Tanzania need tax exemptions. Never! The government huffs, everyone is supposed to pay tax or else! Then the citizens decide to jog the government’s memory a bit. The government gave a tax exemption of $11 million to a foreign company … Assayers.

This foreign company is given preference to the Tanzania’s school system, medical facilities and other social amenities so as to please a foreign capitalists company. If it is given a tax-exemption why not the citizen of the United Republic of Tanzania?

The government resorts to its pet stance – see nothing, hear nothing and say nothing. You only get an odd statement that the government means business when it says that it will get all those fisadis.

We hear that nearly 13 million Tanzania never pay tax. But everyone knows that. Most businessmen don’t pay tax, they just ‘contribute’ to the ruling party out of love and affection.

We all remember when former premier Fredo Sumaye advised businessmen to support CCM if they wanted to do business in Tanzania. The question is why pay tax so that the least productive guys in town continue to buy shangingis?

So the people decide that instead of paying tax, they would rather put their money on DECI, pyramid system or any other place instead of government coffers to see the unholy alliance of traders and civil servants chop all the money.

Mr. Joe Butiku and his types have an uphill task. For years now, every reign of the rulers have pretended to fight corruption. The rulers are thinking aloud with their mouths. It looks official now, unless the wananchi ‘see’ actions against the excesses, they will also retaliate – why pay taxes for the free-loaders to have fun at their expense? It seems to be paying if the wananchi learn to do nothing or also learn the game of the plunderers who have made ‘stealing’ quite a respectable past-time in our country.

2009-10-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

Privatised Bongo in 30 years time?

In the next thirty years the United Republic of Tanzania might not look like it does now. We will have gone though a successive regimes and presidents. I might even contemplate to become on of those presidents myself.

For - anyone can be a president. Right now the CCM government is fiercely resisting the number one issue of the Tanzanian democracy. It does not want independent candidates – a thing which is highly undemocratic, although we claim to be building a democracy.

As it is in Tanzania, democracy is only at play when and if the CCM wins. A reason which is ludicrous. But the CCM has its freedom, even if it means slowly to strangle itself. The people of Tanzania will not forget EPA, Richmond, Kiwira coal deposts and other scandals in a hurry. Those scandals were borne and nursed by CCM and its government, none
other!

And independent candidates are on their way – whether CCM likes it or not. I know that there are some CCM guys chafing under the guys who have bought out the CCM, not because of any higher ideal, but because they have the money. I know the good guys in the CCM resent it, but their party has been bought out by people whom polite society call ‘thugs in suits.’

CCM fears that if independent candidates are allowed the good guys in the CCM might opt to become independents, rather than be tarnished by thugs in suits.

But things will change – they will have to change! You just cannot dictate to the people of Tanzania to that extent. We have heard of politicians being booed in different fora. Those in power should know that the word ‘fisadi’ will not be out of fashion in the year 2010, elections.

If he independent candidate will enter the fray, then count my name in for president. You simply lie yourself to the top and promise Tanzanians things you will never deliver.

Now there is this selfish thing, which same call privatisation. I don’t mind privatisation – if it is done properly. Not like that joke at Kiwira coal mine. That is simply grabbing a coal mine.

I fear the next president and some minister might collude to cut out chunks of Tanzania for themselves. I wonder what the present president will fancy. Bagamoyo is a very historical town. Maybe our president, Jack Mrisho, might fancy it and say that from now on the historical town is actually his, through the Bagamoyo Heritage Company Ltd. If we want to visit it then the rest of us will have to pay in dollars.

Another president might fancy the Serengeti National Park and privatise it. We have to pay in dollars enter to see the wildlife. The next president might say he is in love with the Selous National Park. He will own Selous Game Park Company Ltd. and become partners with his family and girlfriends and a friendly minister of national resources and tourism.

The president of Zanzibar might say he has started the Stone Town Company Ltd. If you want to enter it, you must pay in dollars, of course. By the way I hear that the plum parts in Stone Town are slowly being bought out by the ruling class!

What will I fancy when I become the prez of the United Republic of Tanzania (If it is still there)? Oh well, I will look at the Kilimanjaro National Park very closely.

We could privatise it and I will order that it be bought by the Roof of Africa Company Ltd. It will be owned my chick and I, of course. I will be in partnership with the then minister of natural resources and tourism.

In thirty years time Tanzanians will be owned by companies of former presidents and ministers who earlier had sworn that they will serve the country diligently and honestly, so help them God!

2009-10-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Of leaders and rulers

When we are born, human kinds first think about ourselves. Me. My mother, then my father. But the paramount thing is me. Selfishness is inherent in us from day one.

Then when the brood starts to grow and you find yourself with brothers and sisters. You start to be taught by your parent that there is this business of sharing. Watch all kids – they just don’t like it. They want the ‘me’ aspect.

Then you are taken to school and decent teachers drum in the sharing aspect into your little head. In our primary school report every end of the term there was this line - consideration for others.

School succeeded to remove the ‘me’ in some of us, at least to a decent extent. But not to most of us. We grew up with ‘me’ until we became adults and assumed public office. They call it public office, but to most guys it simply means the opposite. It becomes a private office.

So if it is ‘my’ office, how can I ‘eat’ it? If that hangover of selfishness stays with in you to adulthood you are going to be more susceptible to corruption.

You want all the money in the world to be yours, all the chicks or guys to be yours and all the lavish attention to be yours. You might be 50 years old but the child in you is still intact. You are a middle aged fake and a thief. You could look dapper and in smart suits, but you are still a thief.

When you are given public office it’s even worse. You start assuming airs and arrogance sets in. Because suddenly you have toughs guarding your every move, protecting your home and family. You might end up chasing away your own aunt from the village who comes to your place without an appointment. It has happened before.

Now to some of us spectators of this human farce there comes in the question of language. The media casually call these human clowns ‘leaders’.

Not me. Leader comes from the word ‘lead’. To lead you are supposed to show an example so that the decent people you are leading acknowledge and follow your example.

I was a great admirer of the late Mwalimu Nyerere. The moment you met him you realised that he was a human being. A great man, but a human being. That was leader and a half. Some people even went to ridiculous levels of aping even the way he spoke.

Mwalimu basically despised money and concentrated in the business of running the country. Sometimes making wrong decisions. He mostly admitted when he goofed and said he was only human.

But now Tanzanians are getting very short of leaders. Leaders are an endangered species! The are some guys who think leadership is about body guards and parades. I call those guys ‘rulers’ not leaders. They like to show muscle, pomp and circumstance. But they steal tax-payers money like hell! They steal from us.

How could you name a thief a leader? We cannot follow that example. Tanzanians cannot all be thieves. Some of us were decently brought up. We have a conscience. We were constantly taught that it is wrong to steal!.

Today it is chic for thieves to call themselves ‘leaders’ I cannot admire that. They can steal and rule with guns. My question always is: How many eggs do they eat at one breakfast sitting - a hundred?

2009-10-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

The nasty generation gap!

I was busy minding my own business the other day, listening to civilised music which makes the heart relax. You get that when you enjoy some sane music, be it in love, broken hearts and just life in general. It felt good.

That is, until when my cell-phone rang. It was some niece, a friend’s daughter, inviting me to her 18th birthday. I couldn’t say no to the little girl I have slowly but surely watched her grow. I couldn’t say no to a damsel in distress.

The week passed before you could say ‘party’. I dressed like any middle-aged man who is worth his age. No suit, of course! I hate suits because they have lately been the first line of defence for con-men. I tend to be very wary of those guys stuffed in suits who simply want to make a statement – mostly a false one - to the rest of us.

My niece was delighted to see me. I am popular with both my nephews and nieces. Could be because I am a modern day uncle and I can be reasonably permissive to the new kids in the block. Kizazi kijacho.

Bottle of booze were secretly exchanging hands amongst the young guys. I looked the other way, of course. Sometimes you have pretend that you are not there.

I watched the youth having fun. Their dress was hideous – at least to me. The chicks in impossibly tight minis which they kept pulling down to their knees. The minis promptly went to their original ridiculously revealing ‘thighland’.

The young men had these jeans which they wore below their waists. If you watched their behinds you would have thought there was pooh held in there. But they told me that was fashion.

Cool. Uncle kept quiet and watched the uncles have fun. There was decent music – so far. But it seemed the niece wanted to warm things up a bit more. Suddenly the sound system exploded and there was this singer shouting ‘Do me! Do me! Do me and I will do you!’

Suddenly I found this interest in my nails. I urgently needed a manicure. I also pretended not to hear the ‘Do me!’ pornographic hit.I never removed my gaze from my nails. The uncles were squealing with delight and shouting ‘Do me!

Thankfully the music ended and I relaxed a bit. But the niece loved the tune. So she fiddled with the sound system and it was the same number again. ‘Do me! Do me!..’ and this time I started studying my shoe strings. I untied and tied them again while pretending not to hear.

I thought that this was the end of the ordeal. But it was not to be. The niece rewound the number and she came and picked me. “Uncle let’s dance!” I opened my mouth in protest. But she was having nothing of it “Uncle let’s dance…Do me! Do me!”

I got up amid great cheer from the youthful guys. I moved awkwardly while developing a great interest in studying the ceiling. There were two geckos eating mosquitoes and wondering why these humanoids were yelling ‘Do me!’

“Uncle you really can dance… let me rewind…” the girl enthused.
“Oh no, baby!” I protested, “It is my hamstring. I can hardly move. You guys just continue to have fun. I am off. It was lovely.” I hastily bid them my adieus and literary ran from the place.

2009-10-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

Ni haki tu,wauaji wanyongwe

Unajua, kuna kitu ambacho kinamfanya mwanadamu kuitwa mwanadamu. Pamoja na kutembelea miguu miwili, hisia zote na kubwa zaidi akili. Hiyo ndiyo inamfanya mwanadamu ajitenganishe na viumbe vingine vya mwenyezi Mungu.

Kuna vitu vinavyofanya mwanaadam aitwe mwanadamu. Mtu anayeonekana kama mwanadamu, halafu akaishia kuwa na mwenendo wa kinyama mara nyingi hatusiti kumwita mnyama.

Sasa hivi karibu nchi nzima imekumbwa na mjadala mkali baada ya watatu watatu kuhukumiwa kunyongwa kwa kumuua kijana, Masumbuko Dunia (13) ambaye alikuwa ni mlemavu wa ngozi.

Jaji Gabriel Rwakibalila aliwakuta vijana hao watatu, mjini Kahama, na hatia ya jinai ya kuua kijana huyo kwa sababu za kishirikina. Eti kupata viungo vya vya kijana huyo, au mtu yo yote mwernye ulemavu wa ngozi kutawawezesha kupata utajiri. Sasa kuna wanaopinga hukumu ya hiyo ya kifo.

Wanataka kuwafanananisha wauaji hao na watu wa kawaida. Lakini wote tunajua hivyo sivyo. Watu watatu wakikaa na kupanga mauaji ya kinyama (pre-meditated murder) ya mwanadamu mwenzao, ili kumkata kata viungo vyake, ili waviuze, ili wawe matajiri, si watu hao, ni wanyama.

Simba mla watu akiua wanavijiji, hakuna mtu anamuonea huruma. Serikali inawatuma ma-game ranger, ili kumuua simba huyo. Hakuna mtu anayeshituka. Kwanza ndiyo jamii inashukuru kuondolewa na kero hiyo ya hatari.

Afadhali hata simba, anayeuwa kwa ajili ya njaa. Hayo majambazi, yanayo jiita wanadamu, hayakua na nia nyimgine bali uroho wa kinyama na ushirikina. Yanatisha jamii, kama vile simba mla watu. Sasa kwa nini jamii isijikinge na wanyama hao, ambao wanatumia akili zao kuwinda binadamu wenzao kama wanyama?

Jamii ina haki kabisa ya kujihami. Wasingekamatwa na vyombo vya dola
nina hakika wangaeendelea na uovu wao wa kutisha. Kwa nini waachiwe waendelee kukera jamii?

Wanaharakati wa haki za binadamu wanasema kuwa hoja isiwe jino kwa jino bali kutovunja haki za binadamu. Mimi nadhani mtazamo huu unapakwa rangi kidogo na mafundisho ya dini. Kusamehe.

Kama ni haki za binadamu, mbona majambazi hayo hayakufikiria kuhusu haki za kijana Masumbuko Dunia? Wakamchinja kama mbuzi, halafu tukae nao katika jamii? Hiyo haiendi kabisa.

Wanasema kuwa adhabu ingefaa kwa kuwarundika ndani ili wajirudi. Je aliyeuawea anajirudi vipi. Tena, swala hapa siyo wao majambazi. Swala ni jamii ambayo inalazimishwa kujikinga na ugaidi wa wanyama hao wanaojiita watu.

Wanaotetea wanyama hao wa Kahama wajiulize – je , ingekuwa aliyeuawa na kukatwa katwa vipande kama mbuzi angekuwa mwanao ungefanya nini? Ungesema afungwe na kupewa nafasi ya kujirudi, ili asiuwe watu wengine?

Nasema tena, jamii ina haki ya kujikinga na kuwaondoa wanyama hao kabisa. Na hilo liwe onyo. Mimi naona tusipoteze hata muda kwa kulumbana kuhusu ‘haki’ za wanyama hao. Kama hawakuweza kuishi katika jamii na kudhalilisha jamii nzima, basi wanyongwe tu

Wauaji hao wametangaza vita dhidi ya jamii. Sasa katika vita watu wengi wanageuka kuwa wanyama. Ndiyo maana mahakama za wakati kama huo hutoa adhabu ya kifo kama ni onyo la waharibifu. Majasusi na wahaini hunyongwa. Na wauaji, kwa sababu usalama wa nchi unakuwa siyo makini, wakipatwa wananyongwa. Haki za binadamu? Na haki za raia je?

Huwezi kusema ukarejesha wanyama kama hawa kwenye maadili na utu. Wakionja damu ya mtu huwezi kuwarudisha katika mabadiliko katika maisha. Eti wauaji wanaweza kuwa mfano mkuu wa jamii na kufanya watu wengi kukiri udhaifu wao na kuwa wanyoofu maishani. Kusadikika huko!

2009-09-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

Please leave our land alone

There are the disquieting reports that the government has leased or is planning to lease 1000 square of farmland to South Koreans.

The media quoted Korean officials as saying that 1,000 square kilometers (386 sq miles) would be developed – half for local farmers, half to produce processed goods for South Korea.

According to reports, the deal was a result of recent Premier Mizengo Pinda’s visit to the far eastern country. The government has refuted such media reports. My question is – just who manufactured those lies? Smoke without a fire? Tanzanians certainly need a re-assurance for such dangerous allegations. Where the South Koreans lying?

In April this year it was reported that Saudi Arabian investors want to lease 500,000 hectares of farmland in Tanzania to grow rice and wheat. President Jakaya Kikwete is reported to have told the Saudis that Tanzania could lease them Land covering up to 10,000 hectares for 99 years!

“Tanzania is ready to do business with you…there is a 100 million (40.5 million) hectares) of good arable land.” Reuters quoted Mr. Kikwete as telling Saudi businessmen.

Well, the president might have felt that way. But not in my name. I can boldly say not in the name of millions of Tanzanians who seem to have no say in their destiny. The rulers might call it investment, I call it a potential land grab. Just like the Greek, English and German settlers during colonialism.

All wars of liberation in Africa have been about land. In the end Africans found themselves being ‘manamba’ in foreign settler-owned farms for sisal, cotton, tobacco and other farm produce - through slave labour. It never at any point ‘improved’ their lives in any way, other than terminally affect the African inferiority complex.

Can’t Tanzanians produce rice and wheat to export to Saudi Arabia? Can’t Tanzanians produce whatever North Koreans want for export to that far eastern country? I mean, how the Black African survived over 1,000 years. Now we are being told that the Saudis or Koreans are going to ‘liberate’ us economically.

Right now some of the rulers have sold of chunks of Loliondo and in northern Tanzania. The arrogance displayed by those foreigners whom I plainly called colonialists, in cahoots with the local slave rulers, is simply astonishing.

The local rulers are busy spinning yarns that the Masai of Loliondo are Kenyans who have come over to disturb Arabian princes, busy hunting lions (to prove their machismo). Maybe the minister for tourism, Ms Shamsa Mwangunga, who has a rep for speaking untruths, can tell us just how Tanzania benefits from hiring out a chunk of our country for the pleasures of Arabian royalty?
As we are headed towards the general elections next year all political parties should tell us their stand on the land issue. Many of us are getting increasingly alarmed by some rulers who want to treat our country as their private estate. This land belongs to all Tanzanians, not a few who find themselves in ruling positions.

2009-09-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

Cursed be the house niggers!

While Africa was fighting for independence in the 60’s Black people in US were fighting for their civil rights. One of the Black civil rights leaders was the legendary Malcolm X. His main fight was against those civil rights leaders who had sold out to the Whites.

These were called house niggers, because the Black house slaves ended up loving their white masters more than the master himself. Others Blacks called them ‘coconut’, because they were black outside and white inside, when you peered at their consciences.

The colonialists did the job on Blacks too. The French decided to make Black Frenchmen – the assimile. The Portuguese called them asimilados – Black Portuguese, who loved the master more than the master loved themselves.

The great Portuguese soccer legend Eusebio will not take it too kindly if you called him a Makonde from Mozambican. In the English theatre in Africa the late president of Malawi, Kamuzu Hastings Banda would kill you if you dare say he was Malawian. And even today, you might be sued like hell if you called former attorney-general of Kenya, ‘Sir’ Charles Njonjo, a house nigger.

But don’t laugh and rest on your laurels. There are guys who are remnants of the 19th century slave trade in East Africa - the house niggers of today. They love the former slave master, Arabs more than he loves himself. They don’t only love the Arabs, they think, in their twisted psyche, that they are Arabs!

They are willing to sell the lands of their ancestors to the Arabs. Just like those 19th century ‘chiefs’ sold-out to the likes of the great German thief, Karl Peters. They think it is normal to a bunch of Arabs to come to the United Republic of Tanzania and call it United Arab Emirates.

Tanzanian house niggers leased off some lands in Loliondo, in Arusha region, to their masters in return for a few pieces of silver, and trinkets like gold watches and chains. This is simply treason. You don’t swear to uphold the constitution of the United Republic of Tanzania and, as commander-in-chief swear to protect the borders of this potentially great, but much abused country, only to parcel it off as some playground to some Arabs!
The area in question located within Loliondo game-controlled area (LGCA) is a territory within territory. Hired thugs of the FFU provide 24-7n security and unauthorized visits strictly forbidden. This is a Bantustanisation of the Masais. All in the name for pieces of silver and gold chains for the house niggers’ wives.

Some of us find it very insulting for Tanzanian house niggers to sign off their country like that. We don’t want our country to be called United Arab Emirates, just like the Arabs would understandably not want their country to be called Tanzania. You simply wonder what next to this insult – that alll Tanzanian men and women submit to be wives for the Arabs. If loliondo can be called Arabiya, then let the whole country be called that and we will be bowing before the king of UAR. The slave mentality seems to be deeply ingrained in us.

Okay, let’s be a bit democratic. All those Tanzanian clowns who feel that they want to be slaves of the Arabs should be allowed to go there yesterday and live happily with their masters.
The deal for the Arab colonialist was struck in 1992, that they infringe our territorial rights for 10 years. Now it is 2009. Has another deal, from 2002 to date, been struck by our hungry house niggers to humiliate Tanzanians in their own country? When will they just get out of our country? This land belongs to Tanzanians, not Arabian colonialist and their mad, local house niggers, who will sell their own mothers for a few pieces of silver!

2009-09-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

Virgins? Who wants virgins?

In one of last week’s papers there was a picture of Food and Drugs Authority chief, Maggie Ndomondo-Sigonda and the Director of Criminal Investigation (DCI) Bob Manumba celebrating their handiwork. They had just arrested some of the fake drugs now swamping the country. So far no convictions, of course.

Some of the fake drugs are claimed to be bum boosters. Some are said to be restorers of virginity in women. Some are said to enhance the length of the schlong in men. That men using the drugs could literary grow a ‘third’ leg where their manhood is. This is stupid nonsense, of course.

You would think that few people will believe that rubbish about growing huge bums or boobs using chemicals – poisons, if you ask me. But then, how come that selling fake drugs is a multi-million dollar business. It means that there are millions of desperadoes out there who believe the crap.

I started wondering – why should a woman want a huge booster instead of normal buttocks? I suspect it is mainly something to do with satisfying the male ego. So most women oblige.

Men also waste a lot of their time wondering about the size, down there. The timeless question is – does size matter, or is it what you do with what you’ve got that matters? You get great laughs while in men’s public urinaries. Everyone holds his ka-thing as if he is holding the biggest third ‘leg’ in town. Implying that mine is bigger than yours. Very childish and amusing.

I wonder what women show off to each other when they are in the ‘ladies’ My bum is bigger than yours? My boobs are kiboko, than yours. They could feed six totos at a time!

It’s all human vanity, of course, I understand. But what I can’t understand in this ‘virginity’ thing. Even in the Holy Scriptures there is this ‘virginity’ thing. That when you go to heaven, you will be greeted by dozens of sexy virgins, ready to tear you apart.

It not that I don’t want to go to heaven. But the idea of being surrounded by dozens of virgins is, frankly, quite scary. Ask any honest man, meeting and entertaining a virgin is hard work. You have to be a mixture of a Casanova and a prize wrestler at the same times. Virgins? Not me!

Now when you are making sure of avoiding virgins at all cost, then you hear that there are women spending loads of money to buy creams to rub a woman’s you-know-where so that she gets back her virginity!

I mean, why spend all that money when they could simply buy a tube of Supa-Glue for 500 bob? Then they could be virgins again for a few bob. Of course we could have trouble when the woman decides to be ‘normal’ again.
Supa-Glue is a mother of all glues. How do you un-do it?

Maybe the women could borrow a tank from the army to blast off the offending glue from the ‘virgin’ who wants to have a normal sex life.

You wonder what’s next? Pills which will make one have multiple orgasms without having a partner? Wanking pills for kids who reach puberty? Bonga pills for men who find it a nightmare to seduce women. I am sure there are drugs to cure that, or are on their way

2009-09-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

Privatised Bongo in 30 years time

In the next thirty years The United Republic of Tanzania might not look like it is now We will have gone though a successive regimes and presidents. I might even contemplate to become on of those presidents myself.

For - anyone can be a president. Right now the CCM government is fiercely resisting the number one issue of the Tanzanian democracy. It does not want independent candidates – a thing which is highly undemocratic, although we claim to be building a democracy.

As it is in Tanzania, democracy is only at play when and if the CCM wins. A reason which is ludicrous. But the CCM has its freedom, even if it means slowly to strangle itself. The people of Tanzania will not forget EPA, Richmond, Kiwira coal deposts and other scandals in a hurry. Those scandals were borne and nursed by CCM and its government, none
other!

And independent candidates are on their way – whether CCM likes it or not. I know that there are some CCM guys chafing under the guys who have bought out the CCM, not because of any higher ideal, but because they have the money. I know the good guys in the CCM resent it, but their party has been bought out by people whom polite society call ‘thugs in suits.’

CCM fears that if independent candidates are allowed the good guys in the CCM might opt to become independents, rather than be tarnished by thugs in suits.

But things will change – they will have to change! You just cannot dictate to the people of Tanzania to that extent. We have heard of politicians being booed in different fora. Those in power should know that the word ‘fisadi’ will not be out of fashion in the year 2010, elections.

If he independent candidate will enter the fray, then count my name in for president. You simply lie yourself to the top and promise Tanzanians things you will never deliver.

Now there is this selfish thing, which same call privatisation. I don’t mind privatisation – if it is done properly. Not like that joke at Kiwira coal mine. That is simply grabbing a coal mine.

I fear the next president and some minister might collude to cut out chunks of Tanzania for themselves. I wonder what the present president will fancy. Bagamoyo is a very historical town. Maybe our president, Jack Mrisho, might fancy it and say that from now on the historical town is actually his, through the Bagamoyo Heritage Company Ltd. If we want to visit it then the rest of us might pay in dollars.

Another president might fancy the Serengeti National Park and privatise it. We have to pay in dollars enter to see thw wildlife The next president might say he is in love with the Selous National Park. He will own Selous Game Park Company Ltd. and become partners with his family and girlfriends and a friendly minister of national resources and tourism.

The president of Zanzibar might say he has started the Stone Town Company Ltd. If you want to enter it, you must pay in dollars, of course. By the way I hear that the plum parts in Stone Town is slowly being bought out by the ruling class!

What will I fancy when I become the prez of the United Republic of Tanzania (If it is still there)?. Oh well, I will look at the Kilimanjaro National Park very closely.

We could privatise it and I will order that it be bought by the Roof of Africa Company Ltd. It will be owned my chick and I, of course. I will be in partnership with the then minister of natural resources and tourism.

In thirty years time Tanzanians will be owned by companies of former presidents and ministers who earlier had sworn that they will serve the country diligently and honestly, so help them God!

2009-09-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Chombezo la Adam Lusekelo

Nilikuwa nasikia mambo ya kutisha kuhusu ushirikina. Kuwa watu wanaenda kiwango kisichofikirika, ili kufikia malengo yao katika maisha. Wengi wanaenda kuloga.

Wanawake wengi wanaenda kuloga ili wapate wachumba. Wakimpata mchumba wanaenda kuloga ili mchimba asimwache. Nimeongea na wanaume wengi kwenye migahawa ambao wamekiri kuwa ndoa zao zimevunjika baada ya mzee kukuta tunguli zikining’inia chini ya kitanda cha maharusi. Nasikia wanawake wanapenda kuloga penzi, kusudi liwe moto moto na njemba isiangalie pembeni.

Wanaume wanaloga sana kupata vyeo. Sasa hivi wengi wa wanasiasa wetu wanalogana ili kushinda kwenye ubunge. Nasikia wakati wa kampeni za uchaguzi jamaa wanakuwa na ‘kamati ya ufundi’ ili kuloga watokeze washindi katika uchaguzi.

Unajua saikologia ya ulozi siyo ngumu sana. Wachawi wanaitumia kuweza kushitua akili zako, ili uweze kuamini kisichoaminika. Sasa kama akili yako itaamini kwa dhati kuwa ulozi huo utafanya kazi basi utajikuta kuwa kweli mambo yanaenda kama unavyotaka.

Mwaka 1905 mpaka 1907 wafuasi wa Kinjeketile waliambiwa na mchawi wao kuwa risasi za wakoloni wa Kijerumani zitakuwa maji, katika mapigano ikiwa watapiga ukulele ‘Maji! Maji! wakati risasi za Wajerumani zikirushwa katika vita hiyo ya ukombozi. Kwa hiyo wakathubutu.

Huo ushupavu haukutosheleza sana. Kwani silaha za wananchi hazikuwa bora. Katika mapambano unahitaji silaha zenye kufaa juu ya kuwa na ushupavu na nia ya kushinda.

Wapiganaji wa Mau Mau, nchini Kenya walikuwa wanakula kiapo cha ubongo wa msaliti aliyechinjwa mbele yao. Ubongo huo ulichanganywa na damu na kuliwa na makuruta wa Mau Mau huku wakiapa kuwa watamdunda Mwingereza na kuikomboa nchi yao.

Kuna limbwata. Mdada anaambiwa aweke kipande cha nyama sehemu zake za siri, halafu ampikie mpenzi wake. Akimlisha tu, basi jamaa ataharibikiwa. Na kweli akili ya yule mwanamke itashitushwa sana kumuona mpenzi wake anakula uchafu huo. Amethubutu na ataamini kuwa kuanzia wakati huo njemba hafurukuti.

Mwana siasa anaweza kupelekwa makabirini saa sita usiku na kukubali kunyolewa sehemu za siri ili ashinde. Kwa wanaume anaambiwa ukifanya kitu kisichofikirika, utakiwa tajiri wa kupindukia. Lakini wendawazimu wanaamini hiyo. Ndiyo maana unasikia mambo ya ajabu yakitokea katgika ushirikina.

Hivi sasa polisi mkoani Rukwa, wanamshikilia Afisa tabibu wa Hospitali ya Nkasi, kwa tuhuma ya kumnajisi mtotoo wake wa kike wa umri wa miaka mitano.

Inasemekana kuwa tukio hilo lilitokea usiku wa Agosti 29 mwaka huu, nyumbani kwa mtuhumiwa katika eneo la Isunta. Binti yake alipiga makelele kwa maumivu na majirani walikuja kumkamata na kumpeleka kituo cha polisi cha Namanyere.

Chizi huyo alivyoulizwa akasema kuwa alikuwa amelewa! Mimi nashangaa hata walimuuliza wa nini. Wangemkata kajambazi kake kanakomnning’inia hapo chini kwa sababu naona kalinfamya awe kichaa kabisa!

Nahisi sababu hasa ya kufanya kitendo hicho cha uovu ni kuwa mchawi wake alimpa masharti ya kupata utajiri. Tumesikia manbo mingi sana yasiyofikirika ambayo vichaa hao wanavifanya ili kupata eti utajiri. Wanaume wanaambiwa wawaue au wawabake mama zao wazazi, au watoto wao.

Mimi naona adhabu ya kifungo haitoshi. Tuanze kufikiria adhabu ya pale pale. Jamaa kama hawa wahasiwe. Siyo watu hawa. Kwani wala hata wanyama hawabaki watoto wao. Hio ni ugonjwa, na dawa yake ni kutoa hiyo sehemu inayoleta ugonjwa huo. Kama tunavyotoa jipu mwilini!

Malawi man conceals ex-wife's private parts

2009-09-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Police in Chileka, Blantyre have rearrested Samuel Mayinga for concealing his ex-wife's private parts through magic for going out with another ma, almost two years after he was arrested on same allegationsThe Malawi mystery

The ex-wife, Edina Lasitoni, reported to Chileka police last week that after assurances by her ex-husband in 2007 that he would free her from the magic spell, she only had sex with her new man for a couple of days before Mayinga allegedly ‘locked’ her again.

Chileka Police Station spokesperson Stella Ndelenga said police rearrested Mayinga last week and charged him with conduct likely to cause breach of peace. He is on remand at Chichiri Prisons and will appear in court on a date to be decided later.

Ndelenga said Mayinga did not meet the assurances he made to police in court in 2007 that he would free his ex-wife of the magic spell.

Ndelenga said Lasitoni only enjoyed her conjugal rights with her new husband for about three days before she was ‘locked’ again.

She said last December Lasitoni ended her relationship with the other man and reconciled with Mayinga on the understanding that he would ‘unlock’ her as per Mayinga’s demand.

“Surprisingly, after their reconciliation, every time Mayinga wanted to have sex with her, her private parts kept disappearing. Fed up with the situation, the woman chased Mayinga away,” Ndelenga said suggesting that Mayinga was failing to undo his magic.

Ndelenga claimed Mayinga, on his rearrest last week, pleaded with the police to accompany him to the bush to look for the concoction to unlock her. She said police refused because last time they did the same but it did not work.

2009-09-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Muhimbili: Payday! Payday!

I hear some ghosts are waltzing around the wards of the Muhimbili Medical Centre, busy doing nothing and just wasting the much-needed oxygen there.

I can take that. You see there are a lot of idlers waltzing in government offices, wasting time, talking hot air and consuming all that oxygen. What I can’t stand is that the bums are getting paid for it!

In its rare admission of government incompetence it has been found out that the government has paid money to ghosts. The ministry of education has 1,413 who have been paid serious moola – some Shs 3 billion shillings. Some guys in that ministry must be feeling very comfortable. That kind of money is nothing to sneeze at.

Even happier are guys in the ministry of health. Some 1,511 ghosts are taking it easy. Some Shs 4.5 billion has been chopped in the national hospital. I also can take that. That is peanuts compared to what the ghosts did to the Kagoda Investment robbery scheme where the country benefited with the disappearance of $40 million.

We must be a country of geniuses. How does the money just ‘melt’? Someone has suggested that the ghosts should be arrested post-haste. But there is something tricky here – how do you arrest ghosts?

One can’t see ghosts, although I swear I feel them when I enter most government offices. When your heart beats faster and you see those shifty-eyed looks from almost every official you meet.

Muhimbili boss, Prof Leonard Lema has refuted such claims about ghosts marching to his accounts offices and drawing salaries and perks. He asked the ministry of in the civil service, Dr (not yet) Hawa Ghasia to send him the names of the ghosts so that he can take steps to arrest the situation. He will have ghost handcuffs at the ready.

Now, anything can happen in Bongo. You could see names like Drs Kibasila, Mwaisela, Sewa Haji, Dr MOI, Dr Hematology, Dr OPeeDi, Dr Pediatrician and other distinguished doctors’ names in the pay-roll.

Others could be Dr I. Pullem (Dentist). This department must be also receiving a mouth-pong allowances to induce them not to run off to better paying jobs in Sausi. I hear some dead doctors are eligible for car loans. These doctors are never seen every day around Muhimbili. But their timing of being around on pay-day is legendary.

But you wonder how the government officers bless such ingenious ways of paying ghosts. Are the ghosts of Muhimbili, the ministry of education and Kagoda, in any way related? I think Tanzanians should be told. Because if they are, then Bongo is in trouble. We so far been cowed to submission into thinking that the owners of Kagoda are beyond reproach.

2009-09-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Govt to build pyramids in Dodoma

Okay, we know that human beings are all equal – or rather, are supposed to be equal. But over ages humanoids have come to realize that some human beings are more equal than others.

Now we are sure about that. Even in death there are others who are more equal than the rest of us. Those are the rulers of Tanzania. From now on the rulers will be dying in style.

Tanzania is to become the first East African country to build pyramids as official resting places for deceased and other great Tanzanians who have shaped the nations history.

Presently the government is looking for an international firm to provide a detailed design for a state-of-the-art cemetery at Iyumbu village in Tanzania’s unbuilt capital of Dodoma.

Sources say that Tanzania’s supplier-in-chief, Sailesh Vithlani, has shown vigorous interest to supply the super pyramid for the rulers. Sailesh Vilthani is of the radar rip-off repute.

He could use his vast experience to supply the entire TPDF with equipment and grease civil servants palms to get the DTRs grave contract. He could qualify as grave-digger-in-chief. Payment will be in dollars at an account in Switzerland.

The government has acquired 120 hectares of land for the purpose and the Prez, Jakaya has given the nod for the establishment of Dead Tanzanian Rulers burial (DTRs) Act.

The graveyard will take into account the religious customs of Muslims, Christians and others. For example, dead former leaders will be asked if they would prefer their graves to be air-conditioned or not, before they are buried.

The DTRs will also be supplied for the comforts of death while in their graves, including their conjugal rights, in the hereafter. Piped classical music will be connected to every grave

It is said that some of the rulers have been casting some envious eyes at the pharaohs of Egypt. They would also prefer to be mummified for posterity.

The rulers, who preferred anonymity, said that, like Egypt’s pyramids of Giza in Egypt, Tanzania could have the pyramids of Dodoma. In 4,000 years’ time Dodoma could be a bustling pyramid site which will attract millions of tourists. The DTRs will be comfortably waiting to be discovered by the archeologists of the day – just like the pharaohs.

Critics have pooh-poohed the whole idea as a waste of time and resources. “The biggest problem could be getting those dead Tanzanian leaders in the first place. With dead rulers, it’s fine. But I am not so sure about dead Tanzanian leaders.” said an analyst.

He said another problem could be who will make it to the comforts of the pyramids of Dodoma. “The monied traders have bribed and compromised their way into ruling party. It now belongs to them. They might also sneak into the pyramids of Dodoma and pretend that they qualify to be buried there as EPA heroes. In Tanzania anything is possible.” Said an observer.

2009-09-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Chombezo la Adam Lusekelo

Aliyekuwa Rais wa nchi ya Peru, Marekani ya Kusini, Alberto Fujimori amebamizwa lupango miaka sita – kuna kesi zingine zinakuja. Amehukumiwa hivyo kwa kutumia vibaya madaraka.

Mpaka sasa tunadhani hayo hayawezi kutokea Bongo. Lakini huko ni kudhani tu. Yatatokea siku moja. Lazima tuanze kuulizana maswali. Siyo watu wanaapa kuitumikia nchi yao kwa uadilifu halafu wanaanza ufisadi na uonevu wa watu wao na kuuza nchi yao kipande hadi kipande.

Fujimori pia alikabiliwa na mashitaka ya kuteka nyara maadui wake, ufisadi na hata kutoa amri ya kuua kwa watu waliokuwa wakimpinga kisiasa. Akipatikana na hatia anaweza kupumzika lupango kwa miaka hadi 30.

Mbabe huyo alikuwa akitawala nchi hiyo ya Peru kama shamba lake binafsi. Kwanza wananchi walivyopamba moto alikimbilia Japan ambako ukoo wake ulitokea. Lakini alivyorudi marekani ya kusini tu alirudishwa Peru, na hatimaye alipelekwa kortini na sasa yuko lupango.

Sawa kabisa! Ni kwamba haiwezekani mijambazi miongo ikajiingiza katika siasa za nchi kilaghai na kuapa itawatumikia wananchi wa Tanzania. Ikishapata hizo ofisi, mara nyingi kwa kununua kura au kuhonga, inaiba kifashisti!

Halafu kuna kulindana sana, nchi hii. Naambiwa kuwa miaka mitatu hii watu walikuwa wanalipa fadhila kwa watu waliochangia katika uchaguzi uliopita. Mimi siiti kuchangia, naita magendo. Kuhonga. Unahonga chama tawala, kinakupa ofisi halafu unaanza kuiba kama huna akili nzuri.

Sijui jamaa hawa wanatuona sisi mimbunju? Wanatuona sisi mabwege kweli kweli! Mafala wa kutupa! Na mwisho ya yote – tutawafanya nini? Wao wana mabunduki.

Ukihutubia wananchi unakuwa umezunkukwa na FFU wenye urefu wa futi nane, wameshika mabunduki na marungu. Nani atafanya fyoko?

Lakini dikteta Ferdinad Marcos wa Ufilipino pia alikuwa na askari wa kuzuia fujo wenye futi nane, mabunduki na marungu. Lakini wananchi wakamwambia aambae tu. Mwisho nchi ikawa haitawaliki.

Mwisho bwana Marcos akaita jeshi. Wanajeshi wakaja na mabunduki na vifaru na sura za kibaghaili kweli. Wananchi hawakujali. Eti jeshi lilioloapa kulinda mipaka ya nchi linatumiwa kuwatishia wananchi. Watu wakawazomea na kuwaambia wawauwe tu.

Masista wakawa wanazunguka vufaru hivyo na kuweka mauwa kwenye mitutu ya mabunduki ya wanajeshi hao. Askari wakaanza kuona nishai- utapigaje risasi masista? Marcos akaachia ngazi.

Hapa Afrika Frederick Chiluba alijiona mjanja huko Zambia. Ufisadi huo huo. Alijifanya kaokoka. Katika mlokole huyo hakuona kibaya akiiba dola 48 milioni za waZambia. Na hakuamini alipovishwa pingu na kupelekwa mahakamani! Aliyekuwa mbabe huyo sasa ana ugonjwa wa presha kali na wasiwasi. Inabidi kila wakati apelekwa kutibiwa huko Afrika Kusini,

Bongo jamaa wametulia tuli - wanauza nchi tu. Tutawafanya nini? Sisi wananchi tunafanywa mibwege. Lakini iko siku tutaanza kuulizana maswali.

2009-09-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

Of leaders and rulers

When we are born, human kinds first think about ourselves. Me. My mother, then my father. But the paramount thing is me. Selfishness is inherent in us from day one.

Then when the brood starts to grow and you find yourself with brothers and sisters. You start to be taught by your parent that there is this business of sharing. Watch all kids – they just don’t like it. They want the ‘me’ aspect.

Then you are taken to school and decent teachers drum in the sharing aspect into your little head. In our primary school report every end of the term there was this line - consideration for others.

School succeeded to remove the ‘me’ in some of us, at least to a decent extent. But not to most of us. We grew up with ‘me’ until we became adults and assumed public office. They call it public office, but to most guys it simply means the opposite. It becomes a private office.

So if it is ‘my’ office, how can I ‘eat’ it? If that hangover of selfishness stays with in you to adulthood you are going to be more susceptible to corruption.

You want all the money in the world to be yours, all the chicks or guys to be yours and all the lavish attention to be yours. You might be 50 years old but the child in you is still intact. You are a middle aged fake and a thief. You could look dapper and in smart suits, but you are still a thief.

When you are given public office it’s even worse. You start assuming airs and arrogance sets in. Because suddenly you have toughs guarding your every move, protecting your home and family. You might end up chasing away your own aunt from the village who comes to your place without an appointment. It has happened before.

Now to some of us spectators of this human farce there comes in the question of language. The media casually call these human clowns ‘leaders’.

Not me. Leader comes from the word ‘lead’. To lead you are supposed to show an example so that the decent people you are leading acknowledge and follow your example.

I was a great admirer of the late Mwalimu Nyerere. The moment you met him you realised that he was a human being. A great man, but a human being. That was leader and a half. Some people even went to ridiculous levels of aping even the way he spoke.

Mwalimu basically despised money and concentrated in the business of running the country. Sometimes making wrong decisions. He mostly admitted when he goofed and said he was only human.

But now Tanzanians are getting very short of leaders. Leaders are an endangered species! The are some guys who think leadership is about body guards and parades. I call those guys ‘rulers’ not leaders. They like to show muscle, pomp and circumstance. But they steal tax-payers money like hell! They steal from us.

How could you name a thief a leader? We cannot follow that example. Tanzanians cannot all be thieves. Some of us were decently brought up. We have a conscience. We were constantly taught that it is wrong to steal!.

Today it is chic for thieves to call themselves ‘leaders’ I cannot admire that. They can steal and rule with guns. My question always is: How many eggs do they eat at one breakfast sitting - a hundred?

2009-09-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Being gentlemanly with crooks

“It was pure forgery. It is a criminal offence according to the law these people should have been arraigned. I am not satisfied with how the president handled the issue. We cannot run this country with double standards!”

Not me speaking – lest I be called a trouble-maker. It none other than Dr.Wilbrod Slaa, the Chadema, Secretary-General. “You can’t take to court someone who has stolen just Sh 5,000 and let free those stealing billions from our banks. These are double standards!” Dr Slaa went on bitterly.

But I have a word for him. You see, there are some people, especially within the ranks of the rulers of this country, who simply don’t look good in being behind bars.

These guys live in air-conditioned homes, wear natty suits, work in air-conditioned offices, are driven in air-conditioned cars and even have air-conditioned friends in high places. So they are used to air-conditioning.

Now according to reasoning in high places these air-conditioned unarmed robbers cannot go to jail. This is because Segerea remand prison or any other jail in Bongo do not have air-conditioning.

Also our unarmed crooks who have raided the BoT also tend to smell great. They use the best colognes and after shaves money can buy. According the thought at the top, you just cannot throw those air-conditioned crooks to mix with the stinking wretched of the earth who are manning our prisons. Donors will simply not like it.

Dr Slaa should know that jails are for crooks! And those guys who did in billions are…er, well, air-conditioned crooks. Now there is a difference there, I hasten to add. It is not that they have not been punished.

You see the air-conditioned gentlemen who robbed BoT have been punished real badly. For one, they have been given crippling punishment like being forced to surrender their passports. This means they will not be flying abroad to go and buy their natty suits and perfumes.

Another punishment is that their air-conditioned houses and cars have been seized. The air-conditioned crooks are painfully wincing under the tough punishment meted by our no-nonsense government.
The air-conditioned crooks have been banned from riding air conditioned cars. They have also been banned from spraying perfume to their well shaven faces.

Another punishment is that the crooks have been banned from socialising with their air-conditioned friends.

So Dr Slaa should know that punishment is punishment. If you don’t know anybody and you steal Sh5,000, you go straight to Segerea remand jail.

If you steal billions and have air-conditioned friends at the top, then our government comes in heavily and punishes you. No air-conditioned cars and no using to your using your passport to go shopping abroad! Very strict, our government is.

2009-09-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Madness and religious crap!

Recently some well-dressed religious types, holding bibles, went outside the Dar’s Julius Nyerere International Airport. The guys were praying and waiting to fly to Europe and the Far East to preach the gospel - minus their passports and other travel documents. They were nuts, of course!

The seventeen men, woman and an innocent child, have been sleeping rough outside the airport for days. The madmen came to the airport complete with their own luggage: “We have no passports or air tickets just our Bibles. God sent us here to go and spread his word and we are waiting to go to the areas he wishes. We will fly to different destinations.” one of them said.

Human beings are very gullible animals. That’s why there are religions, politicians and con-men. Many people are easily deceived. Millions are told and promised rubbish and they believe it.

Some of them reach a point of even committing suicide, believing that they are going to heaven. In Uganda, on March 17,2000, some murderous nut in Uganda calling himself a preacher locked his 500 followers in church and burned them to death. The murderous cult leader believed the end of the world had come.

At the end of last year, some guys in Kyela district were told –and believed – that Jesus Christ himself would land in a special Air Tanzania flight to the village of Tenende near Kyela.

The dum dums has sold their property and went to the village to wait for Jesus Christ to come and pick them up. Of the Messisah flight was cancelled (Any Time Cancelled)

In the US another cult leader, Jim Jones led his ‘flock’ of 1,200 people to their death. He decided that the end of the world was then. He made a cocktail laced with deadly cyanide and all of them died excruciating deaths. Simply madness!

The religionists are now being a pest. Near where I live there used to be a club. We used to boogie the night away decade ago. Now it has been taken over by the religionists. Their main job is, not to preach the teachings of Christ, but to frighten their followers.

They talk about witchcraft, that they can raise people from the dead, they can bring jobs, the single woman and men are told that they will get husbands and wives. Whackos are told they have devils. That the devils will be exorcised from their bodies and all such rubbish. The hilarious part of it is that the people believe that nonsense and actually pay for it.

One lady religionist once came to me while I was having a drink in a nearby watering hall. “I have watched you and God has said to me that he loves you.” The lady said.

“I know that. I love him too. He has been very nice to me.” I replied.
“God loves you and I will pray for you.”
“Here in the bar?”
“Yes I will pray for you right here.”
“No way, dada. You go to pray for me in your church.” I told her. The born-again left looking very disappointed.

I sat wondering, was the lady trying to tell me that God loves or did she simply have a crush on me?

2009-09-02T05:58:00.000-07:00

Monkey wees on Zambian President Rupia Banda

A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he held a news conference on the economy in the capital Lusaka.
Journalists laughed as Mr Banda jokingly remonstrated with the offender: "You [monkey] have urinated on my jacket." Impeccable sources have said that the opposition parties in Tanzania are thinking of importing the Zambian chimps and stationing them at Ikulu in Dar es Salaam

Recycled human peee... Cheee-e-rs!

The crew of the International Space Station (ISS) have celebrated a new on-board water system by raising a toast of their own recycled urine.
They clinked their water bags together and said "cheers", after thanking ground control.
Pictures courtesy of NASA.

Cow urine juice in India!

A new soft drink made from cow's urine may be launched in India by a hard line Hindu group known for their opposition of Western food imports.
The manufacturers say small quantities of the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases.
An officer in charge of the manufacturing unit in Kanpur said the product will be sold nationwide and that it will beat other soft drinks.

2009-09-01T07:01:00.002-07:00

Opinion polls? What opinion polls?

They in their dying days, those political fakes. They are now desperately trying to stay on the centre stage of the Tanzanian political scene. They have been bankrolling some ‘opinion polls’ to show who is still in the national psyche. They are the political kaputniks. They cannot accept the fact that they are finished. That they are history!

But not to them. In a definitely warped figment of their imagination they imagine that they still are names to be reckoned with. They hallucinate that they matter to the existence of the United Republic of Tanzania. I strong feel that those disgraced thugs who still buy their way to stay in the limelight should be taken to the Muhimbili Psycho Ward. I think they need medical attention.

Now they start crap called ‘opinion polls’. We know that those opinion pollsters are so juiced up in the filthy fisadi lucre that it is embarrassing. But then, these are the times of buying and selling of the media hacks to the highest bidder. What with the civic and general elections on the way?

The smart reader will, of course, be very wary of those ‘opinion polls’ full of those political thugs desperately in need of credibility. It is just a white wash. It’s like telling the people of Tanzania that nothing happened in the Richmond scandal, EPA money was not stolen, Meremeta is a children’s rhyme and the BoT twin-towers are parts in a game of logo!

Of course I could read about opinion polls in more decent societies. But
our ‘opinion polls’ simply stink to high hell. Who commissioned them? In which areas of the country where was the smelly opinion polls made? Who funded them?

To me it sounds like those ‘polls’ are fisadi oriented. You hire a couple of greedy journos of doubtful repute (nina watoto bwana!). Then you juice them up a little with ‘nauli’, and they will be praise-singing about how pretty you are. You can see it almost everywhere and we will be seeing even more of the rubbish as we head towards the elections next year.

But, what do people really think of different members of society? The Chinese outlook could be a curious example. China's prostitutes are better-trusted than its politicians and scientists, according to an online survey published by Insight China magazine.

The survey found that 7.9% of respondents considered sex workers to be trustworthy, placing them third behind farmers and religious workers.
"A list like this is at the same time surprising and embarrassing," said an editorial in the state-run China Daily.

Politicians were far down the list, closer to scientists and teachers.
Insight China polled 3,376 Chinese citizens in June and July this year.
"The sex workers' unexpected prominence on this list of honour... is indeed unusual," said the China Daily editorial.

"At least [the scientists and officials] have not slid into the least credible category which consists of real estate developers, secretaries, agents, entertainers and directors," the editorial said. Soldiers came in fourth place.

Maybe those are the ‘opinion polls’ we ought to have. Instead of tarting up
failed politicians with questionable mental dispositions who should ask the people questions like – who would you trust more, a Kinondoni prostitute (CD) or a politician promising nirvana to Tanzanianss next year?

2009-08-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Spot the difference

The Tanzania Information Office (MAELEZO) ‘entrepreneurs’ have just discovered a new way of making some extra bucks. They are peddling another mug-shot of the Prez, Jack Mrisho as the new official portrait.

The difference? Hardly any. It’s the same old Jack, with a smile on his visage. I wondered what would have prompted MAELEZO officials to feel that the country needs a brand new face of the president to smile benevolently at us from all those walls.

If the new portrait was to be used as a campaign launch, then few will notice the differenced. Or, maybe it would be used to brighten up the many dingy government offices. Frankly most government offices look like they have been designed by sadists. The moment you enter most of them you feel depressed – you feel like crying.

Anyway, back to Jack’s new portrait. What would have made the MAELEZO honchos start another business of getting Mzee’s new portrait and direct all government offices, SUs, private companies to buy the new photos for Shs 15,000 each? Let’s do some sums. How much will a thousand portraits make?

Maybe the new portrait has a better smile. I got out my smile-o-meter to checked Jack’s dental formula. In both photos, the old one and new, the Mkuu is all teeth. In the first portrait, his smile has only five teeth. In the second photo he is baring 8 top teeth. I hear that tooth-paste making companies are falling all over themselves in an attempt to make Mzee endorse their products.

Still – why a new portrait? In the first one the face is pictured in profile. In the second one taken full nondo – straight faced, with more teeth. It must have been the work of government spin-doctors (wapambe, nuksi). All over the world those guys are bad news. They are the ones who persuade African presidents that their ‘wananchi’ want the boss to change constitutions to rule them for life and a load of other rubbish.

Spin-doctor number one could say: “Mzee, we have to change your portrait. The one we have now is good. But we plan a portrait in which you will look benevolent, carry authority, look soft hearted and a stern man who will brook no nonsense, at the same time. A portrait which will depict you as a visionary and a leader who is intelligent and yet humble, God- fearing and fearless at the same time. And frankly, the people want to see more of those teeth.”

Mzee will ask what is wrong with the first portrait. Enter spin-doctor number two: “You see, Mzee, in the first portrait, you look a bit cheeky. As if you are giving the glad eye to a member of the opposite sex. Now you see the United Republic of Tanzania comprises of male and female species. While that look might gladden the madada, it can offend your fellow men.”

The Mkuu gives the nod for the spin-doctors to go ahead. Lets do the sums again – how much is TShs 15,000 multiplied by a hundred thousand portraits?

2009-08-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

CCM-Mafisadi versus CCM-Safi

It looks so surreal, but it’s true. The Speaker of the Parliament of the United Republic of Tanzania, Samuel Sitta (Sam-Six) has just survived a major political lynching by his own party. His crime? He is doing his job perfectly!

Almost too perfectly, his enemies think. They have been baying for his blood at the CCM politburo meet in Dodoma and think he should be kicked out of the ruling party for speaking against graft!

According to insiders in the party politburo a senior member (who is a known for his communist sympathies and years for a one-party system of the 60s, spoke for about 45 minutes in which he slammed the Speaker for being too eager to run parliament based on the Westminster system, while failing to protect the thieving ways of some of the members of the ruling party.

In what appeared to be a carefully orchestrated move more than 40 of the key CCM committee launched direct attacks on Sitta and other ‘rebel’ MPs for speaking out against high-level corruption in government.

The politburo members accused the Speaker of ‘embarrassing’ the government by allowing the MPs during the recent parliamentary budget to openly criticize senior public rulers, both past and present. They implied that the rulers past and present deeds should be equated to deity – to be worshipped.

MPs who are the real stars of the anti-graft campaign are Anne Kilango Malecela (Same East) Lucas Selelii (Nzega), Christopher ole-Sendeka (Simanjiro) Dr. Harrison Mwakyembe (Kyela), Aloyse Kimaro (Vunjo) and the Speaker himself, Sam Six and millions of informed Tanzanians.

Sources say that the Speaker has effectively been put ‘on probation’, and will be monitored by three wise men in the politburo. They are former president, Mzee Ali Hassan Mwinyi, ex-National Assembly Speaker, Pius Msekwa and Abdulman Kinana, a former Speaker of the East African Legislative Assembly (EALA).

Their job will be to breathe down the necks of the Speaker and other ‘rebel’ MPs. If their future behaviors are deemed unsatisfactory the committee will call an emergency meeting to dismiss them from the party. This is not the politburo of Communist North Korea we are talking about. It is the politburo of a party in the democratic and multi-party system of the United Republic of Tanzania!

Analysts feel that in shielding crooks within the party and government the party has given the nod to wanton plunder and the big time corruption to go on.

Karatu MPs, Dr Wilbrod Slaa of the opposition CHADEMA party has said that he was not surprised that the Speaker and other anti-corruption crusaders within the CCM were now being intimidated and threatened with expulsion from the ruling party.

“All this proves that the forces of corruption have a huge influence within both the CCM and the government itself.” He said.

Godfrey Zambi (Mbozi East- CCM) has defended that Speaker in his parliamentary leadership so far, saying it would be a shame to discourage him from continuing to conduct parliamentary proceedings without fear or favour.

It seems the supporters of the alleged crooks in the CCM are desperately trying to turn the Speaker into a CCM whipping boy to support any of their whimsical dreams. Will the Speaker turn the other cheek and comply to those whims?

Poetic justice favours the brave few, but clean crusaders. They are facing heavy flak from the supporters of grand corruption. But right is always right and always wins in the end, analysts say.

Kyela MP, Dr Harrison Mwakyembe said at the meet, that the party friction arises from two opposing groups; one supporting grand-corruption and the other opposing it. “This fight will only end when corruption is swept away. Other than that there will be no negotiations or reconciliation.”

Some of the pro-corruption politburo members were said to boo all those anti-corruption crusading MPs. “Such uncouth behavior can only be from members who have nothing to say. It is easy to boo.” Said an analyst.

Some say that there have been many short-sighed and amateurish responses from the pro-corruption delegates. Gagging the anti-corruption MPs does not mean that the pro-corruption MPs will be listened to.

Reacting to the CCM clampdown on CCM-Safi members, lawyer/activists and political commentator, Tindu Lissu has said last week’s attempt by the ruling party to control parliamentary proceedings were basically illegal.

According to Lissu, CCM would be breaching the law if it were to take action against its MPs for comments made during debates with Parliament with all legislators have a certain entitlements under the Parliamentary Immunities, Powers and Privileges Act Number 3 of 1988.

Fortunately, few other members see the issue of the corruption drive more clearly than the rabble rousers. One politburo member, Abdulrahman Kinana summed it up: “The accusations of grand corruption against the top CCM leaders are the ones which are destroying the party.”

“What the pro-corruption members of the CCM should know is that it is no use talking when no one is listening.” Said an analysts.

2009-08-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

2009-08-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

Invoiced! 'If you love me buy me a car '

The other day a chap was telling stories me about his love life. Actually he was complaining about his relationship with a chick. Most guys do complain about their love life, if you can offer enough ear, that is.

“I had hardly greeted her and she asked for my cell phone number, which I hastily offered, thinking that it was my good looks at work.” He said.

“Oh yeah!” I nodded, encouraging him on. Good looks? The guy looked like he had just stopped a speeding Bajaj with his face.

“I had hardly disappeared into the loo, before my cellphone rang. It was her
ladyship. Believe it on not, my man, she called me darling.

“There were a lot of darlings in between her sentences. Then she asked me to transfer five thou bob to her voda account.” He explained.

“Do you work as a voucher salesman to voda, or something?” I asked.
“No, man. She just ambushed me with the request. I said ‘why not? Since we were building this, you know, relationship…”

The geezer then transfered the money to her. Immediately after the transfer there was a beep. It was the chick. He phoned her back. “But I have just transfered money to your account. Do you still have to beep me?” He asked.

The dame told him that she needed the phone money to talk to her mother somewhere in the in the middle of nowhere in the United Republic of Tanzania. By the way did he know that her mother was sick?

The geezer told me that he made sympathetic noises and promised to do something about it for his now sick mother-in-law. That was it for then. Before he went to bed there was a call, from his ‘darlingi’ again. She said she missed him terribly and she would have invited him to her home. Except that she had not paid the rent for the next six months. Would ‘darlingi’ fix it?

“That was on day one?” I asked unbelievingly. The geezer nodded, beaming like he had just been announced a mega lottery winner. Then I knew I had a jerk for a colleague. I asked him if she had delivered the merchandise and he said no.

“On day two she beeped me and asked me to meet me her at this fancy hotel. She ordered some stuff I don’t even know. It cost me a bomb. But I paid for it. Later, we went to my place and, you know…”

“Yes, I know. You ended up playing draughts in your bedroom..” I sneered.
“Yeah. But that was after I promised to by her a car.”
“What? Are you crazy? You promised to buy her a car for sex? You are one hell of a geezer. Fall-l-a-a wee-e-e!”

Then I started thinking. I know there is a sucker born every minute in this world, but that was really something. The guy had a great job in the government thanks to his parents, but underneath he was really a hungarian.

The thing was he had simply been dealing with a glorified prostitute. Not a sex worker, mind you. With a sex worker you talk shop. How much? Five thou a trick. You pay, then wham, bang, thank-you ma’am. That’s it.

But this prostitute called herself ‘darlingi’ was simply milking the poor geek by using sex. The sex worker is honest and deserves more respect. But the glorified prostitute was simply tarting around and pretending to be decent which she was not.
The chap was a real jerk. How could one be manipulated like that in the name of love? Hardly had he even looked at her and he was being ‘invoiced’ in the name of love. The geek must have started very late in the love business!

No taxi over loading

2009-08-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

The Dar es Salaam Regional Govermor, Bill Lukuvi, and police Commander, Sule Kova giving an on-the-spot guidance to Temeke cab driver, Saidi on good nutrition. They told him to eat plenty of veggies and to go slow on ugali and other starches. Meanwhile Commander Kova told the driver that traffic cops will keep a watchful eye on the cabman lest he overloads his taxi with himself

2009-08-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

The human body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs for length

2009-08-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

Dealing drugs is allowed in Bongo

You should hear the way government honchos and the police bay about the evils of hard drugs. They are evil, they say. They destroy lives, especially of our kids, they lament.
When he was campaigning to be the numero uno pessonovante in the Tanzania politics, the Prez, Jack Mrisho, told Tanzanians that he knew drug dealers - by their names. That he was about to unleash the might of the state against big time drug dealers. We, the wananchi are still patiently waiting for that move.

One thing you learn when you are a Tanzanian is to wait. As some Persian sage once said – it is only the first 100 years which are difficult while you wait.

But I believe that Tanzania is fighting drug trafficking with all its might. Six months ago cops nabbed a beat-nik in Kinondoni area. He was peddling cocaine. He was arrested with the evidence and also was found with serious wads of cash at his home.

When taken to court, the punk arrogantly pleaded guilty and was given a very stiff penalty of paying a 5 million shilling fine or six months in jail. He promptly paid the fine and went back to the criminal business of peddling drugs.

A fortnight ago another drug ‘mule’ was caught in the act of bringing in cocaine. Mules are those young men and women who use their bodies as ‘containers’ to transport hard drugs. The desperadoes usually store the drugs in their rectums.

After discharging cocaine pellets from his rear, he also arrogantly pleaded guilty. The punk was also given a hard sentence of 10 million fine or six months in prison. He promptly paid the fine and is now back in business in the streets.

Morogoro police are currently bragging that they arrested three guys who were bringing in ganja to Dar – some 200 sacks. The police never said the street value of the ganja. But I wouldn’t worry too much if I was one of the crooks. If convicted cocaine dealers are given a six months sentence with the option to pay a joke of fine, then ganja smugglers will be set free. The usual scenario is the cops usually relieve the crooks off the loot and sell it themselves.

From those sentences it is clear that the government is giving our young men and women a nod and a wink to go ahead to be drug ‘entrepreneurs’. Hundreds of hopeless desperadoes in Tanzania will gladly join in to be drug mules. You can openly see that in the streets Dar and Zenj, Stone Town.

In neighboring Kenya when the police catch you with a joint of ganja, you are fined double the value of the msokoto – plust 10 years in jail.
In Saudi Arabia if you are caught peddling drugs you may easily loose your head. It will be chopped off your neck with a razor sharp jambiyeh and may the Lord have mercy on your poor soul.

In the Far East and other places like Thailand you simply face the firing squad when you are caught messing around with drugs. I remember a lady in Dar who was suddenly prosperous and ostensibly doing very fine materially. The Yemen customs police saw drugs in her body containers. The authorities opened up her tummy, removed the evidence and left her to die, which she did.

But in Tanzania, do drugs and they give you an obscenely low fine which you pay and promptly go back to your ‘business.’ Preventive punishment is not in our culture. In fact big time thuggery is very rewarding in Bongo.

2009-08-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

Hakuna kama elimu. Lakini…

Nilikuwa kwenye kona yangu moja kijijini nikiangalia watu. Mimi napenda kuangalia na kusikiliza watu.

Kidogo nikaanza kumsikiliza aliyekuwa mkuu wa mkoa wa Dar es Salaam (Sasa ni kuu wa mkoa wa Mwanza), Abas Kandoro akianza ku-rap kuhusu mradi wa kujenga mashule mengi tu kwa ajili ya watoto wetu wa mkoa huu. Poa kabisa.

Baadaye nikamuona kwenye TV. Sitazungumzia kuhusu rangi mbaya za nguo alizovaa. Nazungumzia mambo aliyokuwa anayasema. Alisema maradhi, umaskini, elimu kuwa ndiyo adui tuliokuwa tunapambana kuanzia tumepata uhuru.

Akasema lakini adui mbaya zaidi ni kukosa elimu. Poa sana plus plus!
Hamna kitu kibaya kama jitu mbunju. Baya zaidi limbunju ambalo linajifanya janja. Yako kila mahali, serijkalini makanisani, miskitini na mengi zaidi mtaani.

Hivyo bwana 'legino' wetu wa Dar es Salaam akasema kuwa wanaDar es Salaam tuchagie kwenye mpango huo wa shule ili sekondari hizo zijengwe. Namuombea Braza Kandoro kila la kheri.

Namuombea kwa sababu mimi binafsi sitoi senti tano kwa mchango huo. Naona wametoa namba ya akaunti ya kuchanngia. Sichangi kwa sababu baado nina maswali lukuki ya kuuliza.

Nani atakuwa na mamlaka na uwezo wa kuzitoa fedha hizo. Mtu mmoja au kamati? Majina yao nani? Sitaki kuchangia mitaji ya wahuni.

Uoga wangu ni kuwa hizo fedha zikianza kurundikana katika akaunti hiyo kila mwana kamati ataanza kuweka ‘kampuni’ ya ndugu zake ili kuanza kizitafuna. Yametokea hayo hapa Bongo, wala si mageni.

Kwanza bwana michoro. Atakuwa ni shemeji wa mjumbe wa kamati hiyo? Halafu ujenzi utakua ni wa matofali. Nani ataleta matofari hayo? Fulani, ambaye ni hawara wa mwenyekiti wa kamati. Yametokea hayo!

Jee, nani atawaajili wachimba msingi? Mwenyekiti wa kamati ya ujenzi ambaye atampa kazi hiyo kaka wa mchumba wake – yaani shemejie.

Nani ataleta simenti? Baba mdogo wa Katibu fulani katika serikali ya mkoa. Madawati je? Mchumba wa mwana kamati fulani. Haya! Nani ataleta madawati. Hayo yatakuja tu (Ingawa nasikia shule ya sekondari ya wasichana ya Msalato huko dodoma, wameanza kukaa sakafuni. Hakuna madawati)

Walimu je, watatoka wapi, Braza Kandoro? Zamani kazi ya waalimu ilikuwa inaheshimika sana. Siku hizi mtoto wako akisema anataka kuwa mwalimu kila mtu anamuona chizi!

Mimi ninashuku kuwa hizo fedha zitatafunwa na hakuna mtu ataulizwa swali lo lote. Fedha na mradi wa mabasi ya shule ya watoto wetu ziko wapi? Haya mchango wa madawati ya watoto wetu Dar es Salaam, nchango wake, ambao ulikuwa chini ya ofisi ya rais – fedha ziko wapi? Madawati yako wapi?

Ninachojua mimi kwa elimu dunia yangu, mtu anayeita watu wengune wachangie, kuna wengine wanangoja kuutafuna mchango huo. Kwa haraka sana nasema kuwa mkuu wetu wa mkoa anaweza kuwa na nia safi kabisa!

Lakini kuna wengine wanaongojea fedha ya kustaafu. Ukiwapa mwanya huo watazoa fedha hizo na kuingia mitini. Kwa kifupi ninawashuku wote wanaohusika na dili hii. Ni nani hao? Nani atasaini kutoa fedha hizo? Tutapata mahesabu kwa nani?

Sisi waBongo tumeumizwa sana na majambazi yanayovaa suti yakituambia utumbo kuhusu ‘maendeleo’ ya nchi yetu. Hasa wana maana maendeleo yao binafsi na familia zao!

Braza Abasi Kandoro ajue kabisa kuwa hilo si swala tu la kuchangia. Tunataka kujua nani watadhibiti fedha za wananchi. Tusije tukashikana makoo baadaye!

2009-08-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

Taxi overload forbidden!

The Dar es Salaam Regional Govermor, Bill Lukuvi, and police Commander, Sule Kova giving an on-the-spot guidance to Temeke cab driver, Saidi on good nutrition. They told him to eat plenty of veggies and to go slow on ugali and other starches. Meanwhile Commander Kova told the driver that traffic cops will keep a watchful eye on the cabman lest he overloads his taxi with himself!

2009-08-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

Killer robbers condemned, unarmed robbers forgiven

In a movie-style raid ten armed robbers on Friday killed a watchman and wounded 14 in a daring NMB bank raid, in Temeke in Dar es Salaam.

The gangsters, who came in three vehicles bearing government and SU numbers plate, carried heavy weapons including hand grenades. This was the first time a gang used hand grenades to rob a bank in Tanzania, but not the first time armed robbers targeted the NMB bank.

One of the grenades was used to blow up the security guard, Seif Mwikwike to bits. At least 14 people were injured, four of them seriously in the 15 minute raid in which the gangsters escaped with 150 million shillings.

Then grenades and the heavy weapons are widely believed to have seeped through Tanzania’s porous borders with its western neighbors, including Burundi and DRC.

Police have thrown a cordon around Dar es Salaam city and Home Affairs, Lawrence Masha has vowed that the police had mounted a major manhunt for the robbers. “We are confident we will get them all.

“It was a most unexpected and rapid incident, but we will make sure that we get to the bottom of this… they (robbers) should be assured that they are not going to get away with this. We are going to get them.” He promised.

While the Home Affairs minister was talking tough, Parliament in Tanzania’s un-built capital of Dodoma on Friday gave the nod to the unarmed robbery of Sh 15.48 billion that the government had failed to recover over the last decade.

The debts were in tax claims, uncollected accounts, theft or misappropriation of monies by public officials and expired government supplies across some agencies and ministries.

The money included Sh1.76 billion stolen at the Ministry of Water, between2001 and 2004, with the buying of the hugely over-priced water compressors. The ministry’s employees bought three water compressors at a price of $950,000 from Canada, instead of $210,000 for similar equipment from Belgium. This means $1.8 million dollars have been pocketed in that deal. No one has been arrested and no one has talked tough as the result of this daylight robbery without violence.

Deputy ministry for Finance Omar Yussuf Mzee, told Parliament while requesting for debt cancellation that about Sh 463 million was the amount stolen by dishonest workers. He said another Sh 11 billion was in pending arrears whose collection has become untenable, while Sh 1.3 billion has simply disappeared in irreconcilable accounts.

The Same East MP, Anne Kilango-Malecela told Parliament that his should be the last time the Bunge was asked to help the government clears debts it owes. “We will not accept in the future to hand you that privilege. It is unfortunate that we are letting thieves go scot-free.” She said, adding that Parliament should not approve embezzlement of public funds. The government has said nothing about taking stern measures on the unarmed robbers still in its offices.

2009-07-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

Tanesco’s sums don’t add up!

I have never claimed to be a mathematician in my life. Just did a bit of arithmetic and other things when I was little while watching all those mathemagicians ‘solve’ problems on the blackboard at school. Algebra and geometry and other things were very successful at putting me on a long snooze in class.

But last week’s sums from Tanesco simply don’t add up – and I am not that thick. You spend $6 million dollars to spruce up a company house. Then you arrange to sell that house to yourself for $60,000. Does that sound remotely fair? It sounds mad to me. But it has happened in the United Republic of Tanzania where nobody gets outraged

Energy and Minerals minister, Bill Ngeleja has sworn in Parliament that he has been unaware that the utility boss, Tanzania Electric Supply Company (Tanesco) Managing Director, Idrisi Rashid has been sprucing up his residence for a paltry $6 million dollars – with the intention of buying it for a colossal sum of $60,000.

Bill swore that he heard the news for the first time in Parliament when Sumve MP, Ricky Ndassa (CCM) revealed the shocking facts that Tanesco spent the $140 million on repair of seven residences occupied by Tanesco directors. Presumably, after spending Tanesco monies to rebuild those houses they will be sold for a song to the bosses.
“These are shocking allegations. I was not aware of them. I was shocked when I heard them for the first time from the MP. I just cannot let them go like that.” Said Bill Ngeleja.

The MP, Ricky Ndassa said that the staggering expenditure was approved by the management without the knowledge of the board of directors (read: Bored of Directors). Now you instantly wonder why those board of directors are there in the first place. They are there to be ignored, I guess. And to give some guys some chow.

When contacted outside Parliament, the Tanesco boss shrugged off the MP’s allegations saying the matter was a Parliamentary affair.

Last year, Dr Rashid had said that Tanesco was facing serious financial problems and had failed to implement its strategic power development production and distribution projects.

The Tanesco boss told a workshop for MPs that the firm had been forced to increase tariffs to meet its objective to improve power supply. Tanesco needs $1.6 billion to improve power production and distribution infrastructure and systems.

It is not known what exactly has been improved in those houses which he now the bosses want to buy. Unconfirmed sources say it would definitely include jacuzzis, Olympic size swimming pools, in-house tennis court, bars and dozens of suites. The thing is are those capable of swimming in the first place? Of course the bars usually come in handy when impressing chicks. But can they swim?

Energy and Minerals minister, Bill Ngeleja has quickly adopted a pet tactic which is popular amongst Tanzanian politicians when they are caught snoozing in their offices. The government has formed a committee to investigate the scandal. If you are a student of Tanzanian affairs you immediately know that nothing tangible is going to come out of the probe team.Imetoka hiyo!

2009-07-31T08:32:00.001-07:00

Ka-chick and the Afande in court

Last Wednesday the former police boss, Omar Mahita, was hauled before the courts by his former house help, Rehema Shabani. She claims that Mzee demanded more than household duties from her. You know, other more pleasurable, house duties.

Rehema claims as a result of their pleasurable and romantic encounter the two were blessed with a lovely baby boy. She even surrendered the photo of the kid to the press. I saw the photo. The boy looks like, well, a former inspector-general of the Tanzanian police, I once new.

But ignore that. Looks can be very deceptive. I once had a chick with a crush on me because she claimed that I looked like Eddie Murphy. I angrily reversed that and told her she might say that Eddie Murphy looked like me and, no, we are not related. Eddie Murphy Mwakang’ata? Adam Lusekelo Murphy? It just doesn’t sound right!

Anyway, back to former police boss, Omar Mahita. Trouble is Braza Mahita has allegedly refused to support the upbringing of the boy. He has also sworn that the kid is not his. So the case has landed in the courts.

Media hacks have been kicked out from attending the proceedings. Magistrate Suzan Kihawa who has taken the case from Ms Ngwawasya has barred the press and ordered that it be heard in camera. So she ordered hacks to booted out.

This border on the ludicrous. Why kick the media out? Because it evolves around the alleged indescresssions of a former police chief? The case is not about police chief bonking their house girls here. A lot of ‘honorable’ guys have for ages been seeking solace in house helps.

I mean, they are women! I know it can be humiliating to start pawing a girl from the hinterland who a couple of months ago, came with serious acne and was as mshamba as they come. She would put your pair of shoes in the fridge and place your ice-bucket in the wardrobe.

Then, after decent nutrition offered by the family she turns into a beautiful African woman. Then she turns into a super seductress. After your visit to the watering hall, she comes and serves you dinner with wearing only one khanga.

The wife, who has been looking like a toad lately, is out to some seminar. And we know most men – when they drink, their minds go straight south of the border – to their crotches! Nine months later you get bouncy baby.

No man can adopt the moral high ground in that. Trouble comes with the upkeep. I know a judge who tried to dilly-dally with that department. The partner simply sneaked to the chambers and waited for the Bwana Mkubwa to come out of court, with his fancy robes and circumstance.

Then she ran to him, dumped the baby into his arms and ran off. Some woman, you would say! He stood there, looking very awkward, with baby on his arms.

Anyway with the latest technology I don’t see any problem. Why doesn’t the magistrate order Braza Mahita and his former house help, Rehema Shabani, to submit to a DNA test? That will save the courts from wasting the republic’s time.That way we will know for sure if the afande is going to pay the bills or not.

2009-07-29T01:46:00.000-07:00

Designer colonialism in the works?

Our is a free country, we are told. Got our independence from the Brits in 1961. Nice going it has been until now when I have noticed flashes of colonialism by other colonisers, wanting to steal the economic show in this land of ours. Designer colonialism!

Don‘t play the racist nonsense on me, because I think people of Asian origin are doing pretty fine in the re-colonisation process. They have got their hands firmly on the economy of Tanzania. They run the show. Most of the people of Bongo bitterly and loudly, resent this. But it all falls into deaf ears.

I once tried to be of ‘Asian origin’ Went to the Far East, ate plenty of pilipili. But that did not help. When I came back I asked for a loan from banks, hoping that a bit of Asia had brushed off me. I got a stiff ‘NO’. From Black Tanzanians banks demand for collateral. Things like your grand-mother’s grandmother who can write her resume in English!

All this and our politicians pretend to place agriculture on the top spot. How can you have heavy agriculture without empowering Black Tanzanians who live in Tanzania? It is just a big filthy joke!

If the government doesn’t want to do some thinking then some of us will. In every region you target Black Tanzanian clans who actually belong there. They will definitely have the land. Offer them loans to do heavy farming and monitor the results. If 60 per cent of them succeed, we are in business. They will immediately be role models of the next generation.

Right now, who is the role model for Tanzanian children? Shaileth Pragji Vithlani of the highly dubious radar, helicopter and other scandals repute?
Vithlani, who never attended the National Service in Tanzania, or elsewhere, has the distinction of equipping the Tanzanian military with everything short of soldiers. He put together military deals worth $250, with a lot of help from the Tanzanian government officials.

Maybe the country should give him a distinction as a super patriot. His main role is said to “sweeten” deals for key government functionaries. Says government official: “There is very little, if any, transparency in defense contracts because they are supposed to be matters of national national military secrets. This has provided perfect cover for corrupt practices.”

They are doing very fine, those guys of Asian origin. Right now the have reduced the Mikumi and the Selous game reserves to their personal abattoirs.

The Minister for Natural Resources and Tourism, Shamsa Mwangunga has told the Bunge that the two game reserves were leading in rampant poaching in the country courtesy to the, wait for it – “people of Asian origin”

Those types were busy hunting Africans to sell as slaves only 150 years ago. Now they are hunting everything which moves. “Poaching activities in Morogoro Region are common particularly with people of Asian origin. They are disturbing us. They are hunting everything.” xhe said.

She said the poachers have been arrested now and then, but they are released by the cops who are up to their necks in corruption. Most of the cases have ended up in melting in police hands. Of course the police chief, Saidi Mwema could rotate the entire police squad in Morogoro, but he is too busy with other, more pressing, duties.

It seems like we, Tanzanians think that we own this country. For sure our designer colonialists know that they do!

2009-07-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

Stop the uncouth behavior in Zenj!

Zanzibaris have always prided themselves with civilized behavior spawned over centuries in a fusion of cultures where Africa met Arabia, Persia, the Far East and the rest of the word. It presently has its lawmakers, the august House of Reps to runs things in the Isles.

But what has been rapped at the House of Raps, sorry reps, a fortnight ago is anything but ‘august’. It is far from inspiring respect. You start thinking of thuggery which has run riot from some politicians’ mouths. There definitely are guys calling themselves ‘Hon Reps’ who insist of thinking with their mouths, instead of thinking with their brains.

What of this business of some bankrupt politicians in the Isles calling the Mainlanders a bunch of daylight robbers? What is this business of rapping in the House of Reps that Mainlanders are colonialists?

Some of those Isles clowning politicians usually have nothing to say (There are also some in the Bunge in Dodoma) There is nothing dangerous like politicians bereft of something to say. Said the sages of yore: “A drowning man will clutch at a serpent, just to stay afloat.”

There are such psychological types in the House of Reps who are slowly, but surely, turning it into a House of Rappers. Just how do you look at a bunch of people insulting another sector of the populace as ‘colonialists’? The rappers in the House should know that insulting other people is not their preserve only. Mainlanders, too, can Tango. But you can not dignify such rubbish from the House of Reps by insulting them back.

The guys are so desperate for the attentions of the cameras and the media in general. They like to present themselves as saviors of the Isles. Unfortunately some people in Isles listen to such nonsense.

Unfortunately even the Union leaders have started to get tired of playing ‘nanny’ to the Union. Premier Mizengo is the latest chap who is tired of the persistent rubbish over union matters spewed by some Zanzibar ‘revolutionary’ leaders.

“One day if we find irreconcilable differences we may decide to break the union, but those who are forcing us to move into that direction should first think of the people who will be mostly affected.” he said.

Trouble is that those politicians, who are busy thinking with their mouths, do not think of those who will be affected with the break up of the Union. Those monsters are thinking only of their tummies (urojo). The moments Zenj stirs they will be the first ones to bolt and hide in Dar es Salaam.

A Zenj out of the union will be weaker and open to manipulation by their clique. You can easily count them with your one hand. What we are having here are potential power usurpers masquerading as nationalist. In a divided United Republic of Tanzania, they will rule!

Presently wags in both sides of the Union, have started speculating on who will lose in the unlikely event of a break-up? That is the easy one. Both sides!

Renowned academic, who is a guru in Union matters, Prof Issa Shivji has said the break-up of Tanzania would be a major setback for a continent aspiring for unity.

“With the break-up of Tanganyika and Zanzibar Union, every African is going to suffer. African unity is more important. We will not manage in the world affairs without unity.” He has warned.

He said there was no need for the two sides to exchange bitter words, as doing so would not solve the current problems; “We should not get emotional when discussing these issues. Leaders alone cannot solve these issues. Let the wananchi discuss it, too.” He has said.

Those critical of the Union and those demanding changes, Prof Shivji said, should never forget that “it’s the people who give legitimacy to the merger”.

Quite. One hopes that those political rappers in the Isles will hold their tongues for now - and start thinking intelligently and not fly off with their mouths!

2009-07-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Stink right under the president's nose!

You know how it is with dogs in the manger. When they are given food they eat voraciously, then take a nap. When another doggie approaches for some of the grub, the dog in the manger barks viciously and chases it away. Familiar, eh? Choyo is the Swahili word for it.

It goes that, I have eaten my fill, had enough, but you cannot have some of the chow. And I feel cool about such callous selfishness. Well there are such psychological types in the Ministry of Public Service Management in the Office of the President. Right under the Prez, Jack Mrisho’s nose!

When legions of our young fellows are desperate for school there are loads of free scholarships offered by a number of countries, which have long traditions of co-operation with Tanzania. The offers are gathering dust or are being used to wrap chapattis in the offices of the ministry.

The Indian government has offered 80 scholarships. The grateful Tanzania government is busy twiddling its thumbs and has ignored them.

The head of the Education Department at the Indian High Commission, Ms Gloria Paul, has said that of the 120 fully-sponsored scholarships only 42 had been filled. I frankly think someone should be thrown into jail for this blatant sabotage of our country. Right under the president’s nose!

“I am surprised that Tanzanians do not apply for such opportunities which are offered free of charge. The embassy provides free tickets to and from India, accommodation and other living expenses, but many Tanzanians do not want to take them up,” said Ms Paul.

Wrong Ms Paul. It’s not that Tanzanians do not want to take them up. It is just because of the dog-in-the-manger attitude in the ministry. I can’t go, so you can’t go!

Of course most scholarships are awarded to relatives and friends. And, there is no hiding this; most scholarships are actually sold to those with money. That has long been the tradition. But this time this is plain sabotage. Education is liberation. So of you block education for Tanzanian you are colonizing them mentally!

Ms Paul has said that lack of awareness and qualification may be a factor in the low qualification may be a factor in the low application for scholarships.

I don’t agree. There are dozens of very qualified young kids roaming around. Previously the courses were made available through the embassies responsible but the Tanzanian Government directed that all offers be channeled through the ministry.

Which has been a disaster! I wonder if the ministry should be there at all, in the first place. The ministry is being manned with such selfish guys devoid of an iota of patriotism. For heaven’s sake, take those kids to school. You guys sound like man-eating ogres! Uchoyo gani huooo-o-o-o?

2009-07-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

Shida ya kupendwa kiasi hicho?

Nasikia wakina dada wanatumia madawa ya sumu ili kuongoza makalio na mahipsi (Bust up au Lift up cream) – eti ili wapapatikiwe na sisi wanaume. Sijapata kuona ujinga wa namna hiyo. Siyo tu ugonjwa, bali ni wenda wazimu Fulani.

Hii inakuja siku chache baada ya Mamlaka ya Chakula na Dawa (TFDA) kutoa athari zinazoweza kutokea kwa madada wanaotumia masumu hayo, ambayo yanaendelea kuuzwa na baadhai ya maduka hapa nchini.

TFDA imetangaza kwamba dawa hizo zina madhara kwa binandamu na kwamba zinasababisha saratani ya ngozi , magonjwa ya figo na hata magonjwa ya ubongo katika kipindi cha maisha ya mtumiaji.

Inasemakana watumiaji kwa sasa ni wasichana, hasa wanafunzi wa vyuo, sekondari na mabinti wa mitaani wenye tamaa ya kubadilisha maumbo kwa lengo la kuwavutia wanaume.

Inashangaza kweli. Hivi nani kawaambia hawa madada, wanaohaha kupata wanaume, kuwa wanaume wote wanapenda wanawake wenye mitako mikubwa kama nyumba na mihipsi inayoning’inia kwenye miili yao?

Kuna wengine wanapenda vipotable na kwa vyo vyote vile kila mtu ana kitu chake kinachomvutia kwa demu wake au fala lake (ndivyo wanaume wanavyoitwa).

Makalio? Mahipsi? Mimi inanikumbusha mzigo wa lori la tani kumi na kujaribu kuupakia kwenye gari la tani tatu na nusu. Utavunja springi!

Soko la wanaume ni kubwa sana. Kuna wengine wanaopapatikia hivi na wengine vile. Na kuna sisi tusiopapatikia wanawake wakubwa kama nyumba.

Lakini pia kuna wanaume wanaopenda wachumba wakubwa kama kasri. Wanawake nao ni vile vile katika kuvutiwa na wanaume – haidhuru wanaume wengi wanaapa kuwa hawitaji kunywa nasumu ili kuvutia wanawake. Wanasema kuvutio cha kwanza cha wanaume ni pochi yake tu.

Labda kweli. Kwa nini wanaume wanaitwa ATM au buzi au ‘mnene’? Sina uhakika. Lakini la kutisha ni kitendo cha mtu kunywa masumu na kuhatarisha maisha yake kwa ajili ya kupata wanaume! Wakina dada, hata mseme nini, nadhani mnawapa vichwa sana wanaume. Mpaka kufikia kutaka kujiua kwa makusudi mazima?

Kwa upande mwingine TFDA nao wanahitajiwa kulaaniwa vikali. Mbona kila siku tunaambiwa masumu hayo yanaingizwa nchini na kuuzwa wazi wazi katika baadhi ya maduka hapa nchini? Cha kushangaza ni kuwa sisi wananchi hatujaona hata siku moja waalifu hao waotawanya na kuuza madawa hao kuchukuliwa hatua za kusheria.

Vyombo vya dola vinasema kuwa vinawajua wahalifu waoshughulika na mihadharati na madawa ya sumu. Lakini hata siku moja hutasikia kuwa wamekamatwa watu wnaouza masumu hayo. Kuna nini?

Au ndiyo tabia yetu ya karibu kila sehemu nchini. Watawala wanavunga kuwa wanalifanyia kazi tatizo za rushwa nchini. Lakini tunazidi kunaona magendo na vitu haramu vikiingizwa nchini kinyume cha sheria. Wanaotenda makosa hayo hatuwaoni mahakamani hata siku moja!

2009-07-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

The CCM is squeaky clean!

Aunt Anne Kilango the Same East Member of Parliament (CCM) has been seeing red in the Bunge about government sponsored criminals literary getting away with murder. She has said corruption in government was the root of the unabated poaching and smuggling of ivory from the country.

For the rest of us there was the usual sense of impotent helplessness when we heard that ivory worth $10 million has been intercepted in the Vietnamese port city of Hai Phong. The Ministry of Natural Resources and Tourism can talk till they foam in the mouth that they don’t know what is happening. I know they do.

The contingents of the two containers had what was exported as plastic waste. God knows when Tanzania had started exporting plastic wastes to as far away as Vietnam.

Government officials swear they don’t know a thing about the theft. Now after Anne Kilango’s outburst, suddenly the ministry officials are pretending to hunt for the culprits. A couple of very youngish guys have been broguth before the court. The ministry has always stunk to high heaven as part of the raping process of our country’s natural resources.

The Chinese and people from the Far East ‘investors’ seem to love to invest in poached and smuggled Tanzanian ivory. They also ‘invest’ in stealing timber and exotic woods from our country. Of course the government doesn’t know this. There is a large scale collusion, if you ask me.

More shocking is some ministry officials are involved in smuggling tonnes of elephant ivory worth millions of dollars. After Anne Kilango’s ‘pissed off’ speech in the Bunge, the Minister of Natural Resources and Tourism Shamsa Mwangunga hastily said that a parliamentary probe team to unearth the smuggling network is on the works. That is a tried and trusted way of sweeping things under the carpet, which Government officials excel at.

What Aunt Anne Kilango and her types in the Bunge should know is that, probe teams hardly work. You can count with your one hand the number of probe teams which have produced results. Most of the findings of probe teams have been ignored or are gathering dust in the equally dusty government offices. Nothing happens afterwards.

What our lawmakers should know is that Tanzanians are still treated to a culture of ‘crime and no punishment’. It is just a naked insult to Tanzanians for Ministry of Natural Resources officials to say they don’t know a thing about ‘plastic garbage’ worth $10 million plus smuggled to Vietnam. They should be sacked ‘en masse’. Is the ministry being run by the Chinese? If that is so, then we need a Mr. Wang to run it.

Aunt Anne Kilango also let loose another bombshell. She said the guy leading this theft is a CCM big wig. She said she knows the name of the guy and she is going to expose him. Welcome the next story – CCM vs. CCM!

But some of us always remember the words of CCM Secretary-General, Joe Makamba (don’t laugh). Joe told Tanzanians there might be members of the ruling CCM party who are quite rotten – EPA. Tangold, Meremeta, and all the rot we have been hearing over the past three years. But it does not mean that the majority of the CCM are all rotten. The party itself is squeaky clean, he said. Again, dear reader, don’t laugh. It could be painful to your ribs!

2009-07-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

ARI MPYA, NGUVU MPYA, KASI MPYA!

2009-07-18T10:50:00.001-07:00

Time to retire, Mzee Kingunge

Veteran politician, Mzee Kingunge Ngombale-Mwiru on Wednesday urged the Roman Catholic Church to withdraw a pastoral document giving its members with guidelines on electing political leaders.

Why? He said the document, authored by the Catholic Professionals of Tanzania and the Episcopal Conference’s Justice and Peace Commission was “divisive” and could spark “unnecessary chaos”.

It’s now getting to be very common, this scare-mongering from politicians who have nothing to say. They sound like the latest mushrooming ‘churches’ who want to win converts by scaring their poor, ignorant flock with endless sermons of devils, witchcraft, genies and other nonsense. You will hardly hear the preachings and the goodness of Christ!

So, politically, Mzee Kingunge is busy scare-mongering. When Tanzania was about to go multi-party it was none-other than Mzee Kingunge who was busy scaring us that a multi-party system would reduce Tanzania into blood bath. This was just when Tanzanians were recoiling from the horrors of the Rwanda genocide. We ignored him and presently Bongo is having a multi-party system. A bit shaky, but we have one.

Now he is into his pet project of scare-mongering again. This time he is talking about “religious differences” Mzee Kingunge has dangled the horrors of Lebanon where they had a 15-year religious strife in the 1970. He forgot to say that the strife also had something to do with class and ethnicity.

The Churches are seeking to influence on how to question prospective holders of political office before the 2010 general elections. What’s wrong with that?

Part of the Churches document says the country is experiencing “serious leadership problems” and calls on Catholics to participate in the forthcoming elections to choose ‘good leaders”. Again, what is wrong with that?

I thought the entire United Republic of Tanzania wants decent leaders and not a bunch of fakes masquerading as leaders. Of course most of them are just rulers imposed on us..

We know that there is a problem of most rulers especially in their credibility to do the job. We want all top leaders to be vetted by Parliament on if they can really deliver. It’s boring and unfair to see a bunch of ‘washikaji’ run the country. We want a meritocracy. We want the people to choose their representatives, including independent reps, to their parliament.

The fact is a great, capable guy or lady, who can deliver is just that. No bum will ask about his religion or his ethnicity, at least not in Tanzania. But most politicians always fail resist the devilish temptation of introducing religion. If you let them, then they graduate to the other evil-ethnicity.

I remember that the late Father of the Nation, Mwalimu Nyerere always warned us against these evils. He told us that once you hear someone peddling religion or tribe in their political campaigns, then run!

I have lived in a neighboring country for a couple of years, where to get a partner of your liking, your religion and tribe matters. It is ridiculous but true. Why should some people fear a call to elect decent guys in office? That is simply civic education which has been around for ages.

One would think that all Tanzanians, of different religious and ethnic divide should seek to question those claiming for political leadership. People should know the real people who want to serve and vote for them. People should also know the political con-men and kick them out. What’s wrong with that?
Maybe Mzee Kingunge Ngombale-Mwiru would like to concentrate on pinching his grand-children cheeks and go fishing with them. It could that he still thinks Tanzania is a one party country!

2009-07-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Killed for NOT smoking ganja!

The cops in the Kyela town in Mbeya Region have allegedly bludgeoned to death one Lucas Mwaipopo. His crime? He was not smoking ganja like his mates, who had run away from the scene. Now the police are saying that the late Lucas died of malaria of the head.

Youths in Kyela went ballistic and caused mayhem in the town. This blatant case of police brutality is second to the one which happened only a month ago in the nearby border town of Tunduma. Police gunned down a ‘bandit’ called Frank Mwachembe who was suspected for armed robbery.

Now the police in Dar are accused over the death of one Tuga Rashid who died in “suspicious circumstances” in police hands after he was arrested from his home in the city on Tuesday.

This time police boss, Saidi Mwema has appointed a seven-member team to investigate the killing of a man whose family members allege was tortured to death after being picked up from his home.

The Kyela cops have made laughable reasons for the death of Lucas Mwaipopo. That he was caught with some joints of ganja. Then he was peacefully escorted to the police station. There he started feeling sick and vomited. The good cops released him to his relatives who took him to the hospital where he subsequently died. Which is a load of bull, of course.

How can a man who has malaria be busy be indulging in smoking ganja? We all know what a bout of malaria is. Was Lucas Mwaipopo a superman with malaria who had the strength to blow weed at the same time?

. Then cops are usually very economical with the truth when they goof. They usually excel in such deeds, with blatant lies. After all, there is an old adage for the cops to hide behind – dead men tell no tales.

We still remember when a police officer (who is now in the lam) swore that innocent precious mineral businessmen from Kilosa, who were murdered by the cops, were actually armed robbers.

They subsequently claimed that the poor fellows actually charged the police who had no alternative except to gun them down. The businessmen’s corpses were found to have gunshot wounds at the back of their heads – execution style. Courtesy to the cops.

When challenged by a three man police patrol in Kyela Lucas Mwaipopo did not run away. His conscience was clear since he did not indulge in smoking ganja. He paid for that with his life when the three-man patrol descended on him and clubbed him to death. Or, died of malaria of the head, as the cops claim.

The cops could go for a different reason. That Lucas subdued the three policemen, grabbed their truncheons and hit himself on the head until he died. Just what is happening?

I wonder what yarn the police are presently spinning for the public this time. They could say the unfortunate young fellow was armed to the teeth, so they clubbed him to death.

Or the cops could lie that Lucal Mwaipopo was threatening national security, nchi itayumba and Tanzania could face a bloodbath if Lucas continued to hang out with his buddies who are ganja smokers.

It’s just ridiculous. When all other sober countries are thinking of de-criminalising the smoking of ganja, Bongo is killing people just for the mere suspicion of smoking pot.

The police should simply stop behaving like a bunch of Neanderthal men by going round killing people arbitrarily. Even Neanderthals had their rules. You don’t just go around killing people.

Police boss, Saidi Mwema, has called for justice and the rule of law. But do the cops know the meaning of the word ‘police’?

2009-07-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

Aid with strings attached

Over the years we have been hearing our politicians let off some hot air that Tanzania will only accept aid without strings attached. It was good for the media, but hardly practical. If you believe that then you will believe that the Roman ruler, Julius Caesar was born in Yombo Kijichi!

Aid has always been coming to our country with steel wire strings attached. The so-called aid is mostly here to provide employment and cushion the unemployment statistics of the aid giver. I have seen electricians from all those ‘developed countries’ come to teach us how to fix electric bulbs and impart all those ‘skills’ to the locals.

They are called expats and live the lives of kings and queens here. I see only the African mind being infected with even more sense of inferiority complex. Mzungu is always rich, riding shangingis, having a dozen servants and some other lies they present to us here.

But in a way they stimulate the local CD industry trade. Some expats have even build houses, or some semblance of that for their local chicks. And the local chicks hold tight once they get their mzungu .

Whatever his drunken idiosyncrasies here, he is also looked by local chicks like an air ticket for a trip to ‘majuu.’ The visit by expats to African countries could easily pass as a sex tourism paid for by their governments.

Personally I am dead against the idea of being given aid by some rich countries. So when I heard that the Dutch will stop giving aid to Bongo, I was not exactly offended. It is a blessing in disguise.

Why? You see I always insist that Tanzania should stop having this totally ridiculous idea that there are people out there who love us and are willing jump into bed with us - fasta.

That ‘aid’ goes straight into the pockets of the local mafia. This cushions our local political mafia from facing embarrassing questions like – where does the tax-payers money go? How do EPA and Richmond and Meremeta and Tangold happen while our rulers swear that our country is poor?

Aid money is used to cover those cracks. If there was no aid money we definitely would be at each other’s throats and we would demand a credible explanation for such impunity and abuse.

I can boldly say that Tanzania is at the process of being gang-raped by the international mafia – in the name of welcoming ‘investors’. I can also boldly say that this is with the collusion of the local political mafia.

Now the Dutch government is said to be infuriated by the ‘mistreatment’ of a Dutch businessman. See what I am talking about? Every Dutchman in Bongo becomes an untouchable. Special guys. Who else? The Brits, surely. And Barrack O’s guys.

The Finance Minister, Mustapha Mkulo and the Dutch Development Minister, Bert Koenders have been cagey about what really has been happening and which Dutch business prince has been mistreated by those ungrateful Tanzanians. But I thank them, anyway.

Mr. Koenders is said to have said; “Enough is enough” to the goings-on in the government. What could it mean? Enough is enough demands for hefty bribes from government officials?

Let lose the Tanzanian imagination. The Dutch business VIP would have asked to own the entire Tanga region for the Mkumbara furniture project and could have offered a $1 million bribe to government mandarins. Don’t wince – They all do. BAE offered bribes to government officials to buy a radar system at twice the price.

In Tanga the government officers could have said they wanted more – say, $10 million. The pissed off Dutchmen could have said: “Enough is enough, you greedy Tanzanians! Why sell your country for so much?”
No? If not, then what? The Dutch are relatively honest guys. Why not tell us what really happened?

2009-07-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

Wasiotaja mali watavuliwa ubunge?

Sidhani kama kuna kiongozi yo yote amewahi kutaja mali alizokuwa nazo na madeni yake. Yanakuwa mavungo tu. Labda hayati Mwalimu Nyerere.

Kwanza tangu uhuru hakuna kiongozi yo yote ambaye ameulizwa kuwa imekuwaje ghafla amekuwa tajiri. Siyo tabia na utamaduni wa Bongo. Mara nyingi ni wizi tu, lakini utamaduni wetu ni kuwa sisi tunasifu wezi.

Mimi nadhani hata hizi shuku za ufisadi wa hali ya juu uliofanyika. Haya yatakwisha hivi hivi. Wakuu wanafikiria mambo haya yatasahaulika na tutaendelea na porojo kibao. We anzisha tume fulani halafu wakileta uchunguzi wao, weka hilo faili kabatini. Imetoka hiyo!

Lakini upo mwisho wake juu ya kuwa.Watanzania tunaonekana siyo wachovu wa porojo. Sasa naona Spika wa Bunge Samwel Sitta amewatahadharisha wabunge kuwa mwaka huu atakuwa mkali na kuwachukulia hatua za kisheria watakaochelewesha kujaza na kurejesha fomu za kutaja mali na madeni yao.

Mimi binafsi siamini. Tangu uhuru, nani kachukuliwa hatua za kisheria kutajirika ghafla baada ya kupata utajiri wa ghafla?Kuna jambo la kuoneana aibu kwa uongozi katika awamu zote tangu tuanze kujitawala – au tangu kuanza kwa ukoloni mamboleo ambao tunao sasa.

Katika awamu ya kwanza wezi wa kutumia ofisi zao walikuwa wanajificha nyuma ya ndugu zao. Ulikuwa unaona ofisa anaendesha kagari feki kweli, lakini ni milionea, tena mzito.

Hivi leo kwa nini wabunge wasifanye hivyo hivyo? Tunajua Bunge letu limenunuliwa na wenye fedha. Sasa wanaanza kujiandika kazi katika nyadhifa mbali mbali za serikali kusudi kuvuna faida ya ya mtaji walioweka.

Kwani kuna kazi gani kuanzisha kampuni na kuandika majina ya wakurugenzi kama ifuatavyo; Mkurugenzi mkuu- Adam Lusekelo. Wajumbe wa bodi ni Lusekelo Adam, Njinja Maloni, Asumani Mwanjotile, Mama Chale na Bi Chiku ambao wote ma-besti wangu?

Unampelekea hiyo fomu bwana Spika naye ataridhika na kusema kuwa bwana Lusekelo ametaja mali alizokuwa nazo! Masiala hayo! Naona wangetumia karatasi za fomu hizo kwa manufaa zaidi – kama kuwapa waheshimiwa wa mahakama kuandikia. Nasikia mahakama zingine hazina karatasi za kuandikia.

Tutake tusitake, baado utamaduni tuliojenga ni wa kusifu wanyang’anyi wasiokua na silaha, wenye kuvaa suti na kuendesha magari ya fahari, na wenye ku-rap katika kila kumbi kuwa nchi yetu ni masikini.
Kuna njemba moja (Mkurugenzi wa Kampuni ya umma) aliambiwa ataje mali zake na washiriki wake katika kampuni hiyo. Basi alitia jina la mke wake, na wakurugenzi wanne, ambao baadaye ilijulikana kuwa ni watoto wake. Mkurungenzi wa mwisho alikuwa baado anavaa nepi! Bwana Spika ana kazi

2009-07-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

Conjugal visits in lupango considered

I gather that the Registrar of the Arusha-based International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda has given the green light that allows detainees to practice their conjugal rights during the time of their detention.

Now I wonder if the guys want to turn the prison into a bonking boudoir. The tribunal is for prisoners who are accused with heinous crimes committed a decade ago in Rwanda. Or the Registrar just wants to be funny?

Okay, I know that the two tribes – men and women need each other. As the Russian writer Anton Chekov said a century ago: “Women, without men, pine” They get, sickly and complain all the time. At school we used to say they were suffering from a disease called ‘uhanga’ or shortly, we called them ‘hungarians’. Nasty disease, that.

Chekov also observed something about men. He said “Men, without women, become stupid!” Which is very true? A man suffering from ‘uhanga’ can be very irritating, stupid and petty.

As a man I can understand this. There are some guys who find it hell to seduce women. The ‘my car this, my house that, my father is this, my PhD that and my off-shore account that…’ Those type of fellows. They are the great bores of today.

But we are not dealing with normal men here. We are dealing with guys who have been accused of unspeakable crimes against their fellow human being. The last thing a guy would want is to hear the murderous punk groaning with delight while at it with his chick in his prison cell!

Besides, the Registrar might cause a serious riot at the prison. How will the other prisoners, suffering from acute uhanga, take it? Okay, Bwana or Bibi Registrar might be allowed to bonk in prison. But it is very distressing to hear guys going at it in the next room, while you yourself are a ‘hangarian.’

And there are cheeky guys among both men and women. In the middle of passion the woman could start crying out that he is ‘killing’ her with love. The man could start groaning like a hungry lion that has just killed a zebra. Which fellow prisoner will tolerate that? They will simply pull the prison down!

What next? Gourmet meals for the prisoners of the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda? I am asking that because I hear the prisoners can e-mail from jail.

I hope that is not true. Because if is true then I will apply to go and live in that ‘prison’. With the internet I can file my pieces from jail, my chick can visit me once a week, and I can order good food and wine from jail. All of it paid for by the UN. What more can a man want?

Some of those prisoners from Rwanda are filthy rich. Subsequently an ATM machine placed in prison will only make sense. That, plus a small mini-supermarket.

What I was itching to ask UN authorities is – is the UN going to enforce the use of condoms or will the world body allow prisoners to make babies while in prison?

2009-07-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

Run! It's a guard dog...no guard lion!

A shop-keeper in Moshi Town, on the foothills of Mt Kilimanjaro, recently decided that he had have enough from the thieves who were constantly raiding his business. So, in a brilliant move at counter-measures, he decided to shave his doggie to look like a fierce lion. When thieves raided his place, and saw the animal, they fled in complete panic.Reports say that the shop-keeper has since
experinenced quiet, and serene nights.

2009-07-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Rat curry and rice, please!

On Tuesday, 7th July we witnessed the peak of the Saba Saba festivities. I never go to the Dar es Salaam International Trade Fair, these days. I regard that as fun for kids or masochists – guys who like pain. Or guys who want to flog off junk, mostly plastics. That is in the midst of a now common dust wave you get there. And the noise. The place is so loud you couldn’t hear a jet plane land there.

The venue was called ‘Saba Saba Grounds’ when we were little. It was hell, but we thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. Dust, greasy chips and iced-cream, if you had the money. Then, if you had to wee you just found a corner and let loose. If you had to do the big jobs then you had to run to school. My school was nearby.

Today I can’t find a corner to do a wee, it will cause a small riot. For a middle-aged man to be found ‘watering the gardens’ at the DITF, it is simply unacceptable.

But I visited the place anyway toilets or not. Dust wave or not. Parking or not. Why? You see I am about to go into animal husbandry. I plan to raise some delicacies in the form of some rodents to grace my patch of land.

You see the Sokoine University of Agriculture (SUA) in Moro town has started a new project to raise giant rodents as a new source of protein for consumption in the country.

I have already registered my business to be called ‘Rat Inn’ which will serve culinary delights done in different styles of cooking in the world. I hear the rat, locally called Ndezi, can tickle many a palate in Tanzania.

SUA officials have said the Ndezi is so cheap to raise. You just get a male rat and his chick, put them in a box and forget about them for three months. You might find a battalion of Ndezis waiting for you - ready to eat.

Another good thing about the Ndezi is that they don’t have boring things, like family planning, in their programmes. They just eat grass and go for each other like there is no tomorrow. After a year I will be ready to launch the Rat Inn.

A sampling of the menu at the Rat Inn; Succulent pieces of protein rich steaks marinated in tamarind sauce and Mbeya fries.

OR, I could go Indian. How about Tandoori rat steaks grilled on hot coals served with garlic naan. That will be an Indian delight. Or, rat kebab sizzling in makhanwala sauce. How about – tikka rat mushkaki and some chapati? Or kadai rat steaks served with Kyela fried rice. These should appropriately be served with dry red wine.

Or, my place could do Chinese. How about sweet and sour rat legs in soy sauce and noodles. Or rat’s whiskers in dong-feng sauce for a stater.

Local dishes will be something like, Ugali na ndezi wa kupaka (coconut milk sauce) washed down with chilled Tanzanian beer. You warn your clients that they have to wait a few minutes for the Ugali to be done.

But if you are in a hurry you could get a quick Rat Pizza and a milk shake to tickle the stomach. I definitely will get in touch with the ‘rat pack’ fellows from SUA, sometimes next week. People have been yawning with hunger while there is an abundant supply of protein delicacies just around the corner. That is just scandalous! Everyone will be welcomed to the Rat Inn!

It will be a gender sensitive set-up. Men will be served with male rats while chicks will be offered female rats. This will be in line with the country’s policy of equality for all sexes.

2009-07-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Government on the dock

My spies tell me that the government has been placed on the dock and asked to explain the obvious collusion between the waheshimiwa and the country’s grand corruption.

I hear some 50 non-governmental organizations, under the umbrella of the Feminists Activists Coalition (FemAct), have met to deliberate on recent corruption outrages committed with the tacit nod of the government, they claim. Later they released a hard hitting statement which my spooks on-passed to me.

They were openly outraged; “Stories of syndicated grand corruption in the country are horrifying, and force us to draw the conclusion that the Tanzanian state has been hijacked!” The NGOs claim that the state has been bought wholesale and is dancing to the tunes of a few powerful moguls working as one in a powerful corruption network and syndicate to the detriment of the majority of Tanzanians.

“FemAct recognizes syndicated and grand corruption as all private gain-motivated abuse of public office, plunder of public property and lying in the name of ‘nationalisation’, corruption in the electoral processing, lack of transparency in public contraction processes, (meaning public procurement, public investment, privatization), budget execution without consideration of national priorities, discriminatory enforcement of laws and regulations and disobedience of public leadership ethics.” the hard hitting statement said.

FemAct demanded that government immediately and without excuse to prosecute all persons suspected all persons suspected of grand corruption cases and dismantle their corruption networks.

The held the government responsible to implement wholly the Parliamentary resolution on Richmond and provide credible a public restatement on all grand corruption scandals currently in public debate.

FemAct also demanded that the government disclose all existing investment contracts for public access and scrutiny and ensure state function enforcement organs especially the cops, The Directorate public prosecution, the Prevention and Combating of Corruption Bureau (PCCB) and the National Security (intelligent services) conduct their respective business in an accountable manner under strict adherence to professional ethics and expected competences.

The NGOs sounded genuinely angry. But will the government listen to such demands? Few believe it will. So far it has displayed a thick skin and pooh poohed the countrywide protests.

Most analysts expressed strong doubts if the government will listen this time.. “These guys are amazing. They are busy fiddling while Rome is burning. Either that is being tough or foolhardy.” One analyst sighed resignedly in the city recently.

2009-07-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Great bores of today

Last week, as always, I was sitting, minding my own business and watchig the world go by. I sat watching this budding new middle class which is fast developing in Bongo.

On my left was a fellow loudly talking about the virtue of his car. His vehicle was so-fast that it could hit Arusha town in northern Tanzania in two hours, he lied. Naturally, his listeners were nodding in agreement. Understandably so, the star was buying the booze.

If I was one of his listeners I would simply have asked him why should he risk life and limb attempting to zoom his way to Arusha when he could have flown there in half an hour.

Then the bore changed and started talking about his house. It had three bars, four sitting rooms, a TV room, 3 master bed-rooms. The guy kept droning on and on about his possessions. I chuckled under my breath and mentally asked him how many coffins had he amassed for himself.

The he announced, rather grandly, that his missus was coming to join them. Er, she had her own car, you see. After great deliberation, they had decided to have three cars. One for baba, one for mamaz and a sporting car for totos. Most amusing, I thought. Fisadi!

Then the wife walked into the restaurant, a sturdy chair was pulled for her by one of the grateful hangers-on. Maybe it’s in our culture that most African men like big bums on their women’s derriere.

One look at her ladyship and I decided that this was no ordinary big bum. This was a booster, a big booster. It could literally lift her body from planet earth straight to the geo-stationary orbit in space in no time. My imagination just went to the size of their bed. It certainly must have been a king-sized bed, for the man was not so small himself. But that was hardly my business.

What bothered me was when a couple came in with a baby. Junior was hardly 4 months old and the parents were exposing the cute thing to the elements in this open aired restaurant.

This was certainly wrong. The young couple wanted to be parents and beat-nicks at the same time. You simply are not allowed to raise babies in bars with guys guzzling booze and music blaring from speakers.

There is an old by-law which stipulates that kids under 18 are not allowed into bars. In Bongo almost all new-born babies are allowed to go and be tortured in bars!

Things really happen here. We are told that drunken driving is strictly forbidden. A joke, of course, since drunken driving is de rigueur in town. Watch how everyone who is anyone try to park their cars on vantage points near bars. The law usually shrugs offs and simply looks the other way.

Maybe we should make that a tourist attraction. Something like: ‘Welcome to Tanzania the land of Kilimanjaro, Zanzibar and drunken-driving. You may also mistreat your baby by going to booze with your bambino in noisy bars’

That will definitely attract all those wierdos from foreign lands to come and spend their green backs in Bongo! Get drunk while changing nappies. Mungu ibariki Tanzania!